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i want to scream in his face and tell him how fucking blind he is if he thinks that and how much it hurts to know i'm just going to be forgotten after everything and i want to kiss him and say i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so fucking fragile ("stop acting so fucking fragile. you wanna be a man? act like one.") and i fuck everything up and i shouldn't be crying in the heartless piece of shit that put myself in this fucking situation

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cowardice romanticism and anxiety. it always gets me here doesn't it.

i'm getting better, i am, it's confusing and terrifying but. i'm grateful. i am. but then i do something stupid like. think too much about her and how i should open my mouth and the crushing feeling of not being needed or likely wanted settles not so much like a dove come to rest as a piano crashing from the fiftieth story. cartoonish, i know. but then my ex always said i acted like i was just that. an actor in some production, the protagonist of my own novel (though had things continued with them it would've been more like a novella). anyways the point is the ivories go flying in every direction and i feel like i'm on december 31st of the year before last, knowing the people i wanted to be with in those moments wanted nothing to do with me. were much happier at their respective parties than sulking with a depressive asshole. i don't know what the point of this was. i'm tired. i wish things were easier. i kind of wish i'd die already but. there's the cowardice again.

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d. do they really still say 'omg' in france or is a native english speaker actually the one running the sephora france insta account

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yikesville so i noticed a couple v small bruises on my. chest. which i assume must be from binding and i finally remembered to google it to see if i should be concerned and??? nothing genuinely helpful. how. why. i mean otherwise i haven't been in any pain or had problems breathing and i haven't been binding while i've been sick so like. i'm gonna guess it's nbd but if i remember i'll tell my doctor whenever i see her lol

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languid;    the way your arms drape    over the edge of the couch    the way your head lolls    and you close your sleepy eyes    the way your legs stretch,    farther than heaven’s reach    the lithe fingers you grasp the air with,    one hand positioned under your delicate head    i speak in silence, watching you from the corner of my mind’s eye                                   “ Tu es l'amour de ma vie ”    but you’ll never hear me

“languid” -C.E.F. (via c-e-faustus)

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Years ago, I was still a little boy. A stranger came to us. He looked as if he’d been in the war. Didn’t talk much.

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[My pronouns aren’t preferred, my pronouns are mandatory]

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the only good coffee shop au’s are 18th century coffee shop au’s where some guy just lost all his money at the gaming tables, heated political debate is going on and at least one person has their tits out

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excerpts from my diary #7

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if the three of us are pieces of the same star. perhaps the reason i'm so scared to come back is that your light is blindingly beautiful and i'm little more than scattered space dust with high light sensitivity

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i would like to just tell the universe it's a real dick for giving me a depression swing And making me sick at the same time

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hm

y'know i love the both of them

so much

all of them, actually, but unlike them m actually talking to him rn cause i know if i don't.

i don't have time for the guilt

that's not what i came here to talk about ugh i can't wait to pick up my fucking adderal today so i can actually maintain a train of thought for more than two seconds

The Point Is

i'm fucking isolating from the people i care about again just like last year

well. that's not really true i didn't have anyone that gave a shit about me to isolate from at the start of last year

and maybe that's part of it ?

the fear that i'm going to fuck up that they're going to leave. nothing has ever been permanent why would that change now?

if you turn your back and ignore the string tied to your wrist it'll be easier to pretend it doesn't hurt when they cut ties

right?

but it doesn't ease the guilt and the fear and the wanting Now

i wish i wasn't such a coward. wish i could reach out or. something.

but "i am waiting, should i be waiting?"

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i s2g if y'all are screaming at each other while i'm trying to sleep i'm going to blow my fucking brains out

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hey baby let’s talk about young love

goodnight texts / fingers brushing under a table / just wanna say your name

it’s got all these syllables, see. sounding out the letters like i’m learning how to read. my fingers want warmth want love wanna be pushed against a wall- that’s how it is, baby, want you to rough me up and kiss me softly, we don’t have to tell anyone.

hey baby, my heart’s ready, how about yours?

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being gay is way more fun when you have someone to be gay with

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me @ the guys that look at me like something to be hunted or devoured : thanks for the validation ily