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went into a wine shop the other day to buy pasta and they did not have pasta but they were doing a wine tasting so i thought what the hell. and got to chatting with the other woman there because we had both just come from the library and were comparing our books and sipping wine and turns out we’re both teachers so we got on the topic of phones in classrooms—and the guy pouring our wine was like ‘that’s actually a point of contention in one of my divorces right now.’

and i very delicately said ‘one of your divorces?’ and his eyes got really big and he said I’M A PARALEGAL

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I like that the creator of cookie clicker is just some guy on tumblr who we can send things to

how did you get past my guards

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“don🦍t believe anything your brain tells you after 9 pm” wrong. the prime time for decision making is when you🦍re sleep deprived

^example of what life would be like if we used gorillas instead of apostrophes

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im dizzy from laughing at this image

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Just checking!

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The who

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Ohhhh I get it! The days repeat each week!

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cant find a working stream rn killing myself

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The who

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does this to you

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This continues to be a top contender for favorite tweet

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Stop saying "h word." The word you're looking for is HORNY. You're HORNY. You want sweaty BALLS on your FACE.

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London mutuals what is there to do that’s cheap and not alcohol based?

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i hate to admit this but i think if i were in a bad mood and spongebob were around i wouldnt be able to navigate that situation with the patience or grace it demands. and i worry he would blame himself

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When you’re on your way home from the club but one of you almost died

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