transporttransportingtransport - Tumblr blog

[transporttransportingtransport]

im trying to become less interested in who they are,

and more interested in what they do. it keeps me here and active/ready, rather than up there and frustrated, and very resentful (cause i blame them).

[transporttransportingtransport]

im not gonna try to change people who i dont share love with

especially people who i dont have to be around.

fuck this

this is thoughts coming from thoughts about boundaries with ppl like jaye ,, i often begin doubting myself because of the ways people have told me to stand up for myself.

i definitely can be unassertive, but i see some discernment emerging in my experience

a regular part of my experience is being very invisible/unheard, and its not something i can control or fix. it might even mean that i might not have a ton of friends my whole life,, not because i find them easy to drop, but because i dont like a lot of people in their fundemental ways. thats that on that

[transporttransportingtransport]

where in the succession of dispossession

did my family lie?

i know they were farmers

and that is a simple display of manifesting the "betterment" of canada, from the previous interconnected complexity of tending the land that indigenous folks performed

but i want to know more about the story, starting with what was happening as they left and as they landed.

[transporttransportingtransport]

holy shit~ our police force, the RCMP, was created in the image of what the British created to control the wild irish ... to control the wild indigenous ppl here...

also, as i was falling asleep i came to see what i had been doing, as what it was. it had been hard for me, has always been so, to feel regret about steeling. i used to all the time growing up, and have gone through phases with it here and there in my adulthood~ mainly with roommates. it is mostly a compulsion, meaning i can get addicted to it, and i get all tangled in my amorality. lately its been a lot, to the point of really feeling like asking myself why... it can be confusing, because the narrative in my head is that if i dont get caught, i dont see why it is bad... the other day i recognized a hypothesis of the purpose , what my kids are trying to do (and did, all through their childhood): i think it really has something to do with internalized unassertiveness, and attempting to *get* what i want (to feel good/feel ok) in sneaky ways because i was punished for asserting my needs as a kid. i have been so resentful of jaye lately, and what made me realize it is that i have been mostly taking from them! i didnt know that my resentment took that shape, but it makes total sense. that being said, i still couldn't find a convincing reason to stop... i didnt feel hurt, and i didnt care about their suffering (:/)

and thats when it hit me

i think it hurts me in the exact way I'm trying to change and grow. i have wanted to be out in the public eye, thought about that so much last month,

and yet

i completely manifested the opposite~ my self had to be hidden in order for me to be happy/feel safe. that must be one of my biggest wounds

must be why i dated almost 100% unassertive people, people who made ME look assertive in the comparison.

damn, you know... im gonna put some shit back tonight. damn damn damn.

[transporttransportingtransport]

it feels nice

and possible to feel in my body

beyond just feeling the sensations that exist and persist ...

it feels like this connection with the body ive melted into

is way more generative and shapeshifting than just

feeling the feelings...

its a new feeling

to feel possible

and to feel like i can shift easily

with what i dont know

being a sexual being is so much more than it has been , sitting tightly, unmovingly for so long in my head for so long

these kisses ash and i shared were nothing like i knew

our love really has got me baby-fever-ing

but its not about having a child with her

its that this desire awoke

and im eddying for Creation

ash makes me eddy

and i always wanted to be water

i didnt know that i was

i have been readied

gestation has broken

doors open

come load my arms im ready for our children

[transporttransportingtransport]

[transporttransportingtransport]

i wanna be hot

and be strong

i wanna be myself

be myself

[transporttransportingtransport]

[transporttransportingtransport]

im thinking

thinkin thinkin

lots

about who i shall be.

I know i am of service in the form of words. i feel generous towards language patterning and holding and weaving

and maybe feel there is a lack of depth to our relationships to our languages, but that i could give that back to life and this culture.

[transporttransportingtransport]

im thinking

thinkin thinkin

lots

about who i shall be.

I know i am of service in the form of words. i feel generous towards language patterning and holding and weaving

and maybe feel there is a lack of depth to our relationships to our languages, but that i could give that back to life and this culture.

[transporttransportingtransport]

im abt to move in with a girlfriend, intentionally for the first time!

im thinking abt how to keep my wild amount of stuff under wraps... and how to organize it all in a way that everyone's happy.

there is a ton of beautiful potential here, and i want to stay aware of my own stuff in order to keep growing into the conscious person i want to be

[transporttransportingtransport]

my desire is to expand into mattering

eddy mattering out into more and more of sacred watering

[transporttransportingtransport]

i made it to age 29 finally knowing how to let my hair do its curly thang

[transporttransportingtransport]

my darling

she is ok

it feels pretty gnarly still

i feel so protective im pissed

its a strangely normal feeling of love... like my love knows pathways it hasnt been welcomes to before

my love is flowing so skillfully steadied

no fear of dispossession

no desires of possessing

my love of her is neatly knitted

round my resting body. it aches but i want nothing more but to be alive

the song Mary by adrianne makes me question

will i be able to leave her

for Ireland

at the end of the 3 years?

[transporttransportingtransport]

im so pissed at her bones

[transporttransportingtransport]

tylenol

laptop

charger!

snacks

waterbottle

sweatpants

[transporttransportingtransport]

im sorry but i

hate your bones

the ones that trap you

waiting for the impasse to pass

my sweet ash tree

i didnt know

you could break to pieces and nonverbality

if you went down the stairs

wrong

gdi