trapped-in-a-labrynth

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

2/16/18

I can feel my depression getting worse since the shooting and I’m so anxious. I’m scared that when I say goodbye to my mom In the morning that it will be the last time. I’m so scared I want to get my education without fear of dying in what should be a safe place. Lily sitting with us in the morning is fucking killing me. I can’t stand her. I wish she didn’t sit with us. I was doing fine this morning and then she opened her big mouth. All she says is lies and bs. She wants so much attention. A lot of people say it’s just her mental health. Then she should get help. Getting through my mental illness was hard but I got help. I’m okay now. I know she’s different but she needs to stop. She’s a drama queen. She always says “we” when she talks about guard. She’s not in the fucking program anymore. She’s not in the team. She doesn’t get to have a say in what we, the color guard talk about. Jesus I wish she could go back to her preppy ass dance school and bug everyone else. Or go to Sandia with her brother. I don’t care where she goes but she needs to get out of my life. I didn’t know I could hate someone so much and I don’t know what it is but I hate her. Fuck I want to cry. I can already feel myself spiraling and worrying about my brother and even fucking Luke. I dont want them to experience a school shooting. I’m so scared for them and for myself. I have so much on my plate. I have to talk to my dad and colorguard and my mom and school stress towering over me. Fuck everything as of right now. I wish that life could stop so I could catch up for a second. Everything is coming apart around me and I’m losing it.

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/30/18

He was in my dreams last night and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I miss his stupid ass so much. I miss talking to him. I fall apart from post Malone reminds me of him. So I’ve been listening to it non stop. Fuck. He hurt me but I’m so weak when it comes to him and I need to know why. I don’t want to be dependent on him. I need to go back to therapy but I’m not sure when I’ll be able to. I want to talk to him so badly but I’m not sure if that’ll be the case. I hope he reaches out to me soon but I know it probably won’t happen. Fuck meee ugh

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/28/18

t’s been awhile. I got officially friendzoned but I’m doing great surprisingly. Showering myself with self love and treating myself right. It’s really nice. I got some new clothes today and didn’t cry In the dressing room go me!!!! Fuck but I’ve been feeling so gay. I really want a woman to spoil and cuddle and love. Ugh oh well. I’ll give it time

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/26/18

Today has been a rough one. I officially got friend zoned and things have been incredibly awkward between him and I. I feel like I screwed everything up between him and I and our friend group. I feel like my friends don’t like me or like having me around. It’s bs and I know it’s just my anxiety but it seems so reasonable. All I want to do is smoke a lot of weed and party and live like I don’t have a care in the world. It’s so stressful and scary and everything is seeming like it’s going to shit. I’ve been freaking out about how to problem solve. My brain says kill yourself. Starve yourself. Make yourself throw up. I know I have to wait everything out. Give it all time. It’s just going to be extremely hard. I miss Luke again. It seems like when I’m at my lowest the thought of him sweeps in. Lately I’ve been distracting myself with thoughts of the future. Having children. Getting a job. I’m scaring myself.

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/24/18

Got my braces off today, had rehearsal, hung out with friends it was a really great day. One downside is that he keeps leaving me on read and doesn’t seem interested in making plans anymore. Maybe I’m too complex and hectic and suck at making plans. But I think tomorrow, on my super extreme sweatpants Nutella period Thursday, I’ll tell him how how I feel. I’ll take my risk and go for it. I won’t be a pussy. I will be brave and go for it. The results can’t be that bad. I’m trying to be more adventurous. This kinda fits into that. Fuck I hope it goes okay.

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/23/18

Why do I feel like life is planning on fucking me over soon? What I’ve discovered is that when life gets good, what comes up must come down. I’m hoping that life stays okay for awhile. Or that my mind stays okay for awhile. What I want out of life is an impossible career that I’d succeed in and a stable family and an easy going happy love life and of course good grades for now. But I want more out of life than I’m getting. I want a relationship with my dad. I miss him sometimes. I hate him but I miss him. It might just be the thought of having a father figure that I’m missing but it doesn’t feel good. I feel like I’m missing part of me. This part of me is what I’m afraid of becoming. I wish there was some type of system that would act like a rubber band around your wrist that you could snap but it would automatically adjust if you’re clueless. My moms still mad at me. I’m not understanding why though. Im not sure what’s going on but I want it to get better. And with him I want it to get better. Im not even sure what’s going on but I want clarity that I’m too scared to seek out. It’s not hard to ask but what if I’m entirely wrong. I would be so embarrassed and bummed. I care about Gina lot but lately I’ve felt distant since Monday which wasn’t long ago. Maybe I’m overthinking it but I feel like losing it for a bit caused me to withdraw myself or something. Fuck. Every time I pass by the park or think of Oregon guy I get more confused. I want to unattach myself from him. I’m done with him and his bs. But I miss the thought of him and a close friend I could trust in. I need to move on from it but I’m not sure how. Ugh I need clarity and a nap

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/22/18

I can’t go on my hangout or possible date because I was being mean to my mom by getting an attitude after she”suggests” that I start losing weight by switching my birth control and going running and saving clothes that don’t fit me just in case. Today we covered sharp force trauma and went over lacerations and cuts that are commonly seen in suicide and self harm cases and I used the excuse that I was tired because I didn’t want to get into it. Suddenly I’m the bitch and I get punished for being emotional.

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/21/18

I hung out with him today and it was awkward and not bad I’m excited to see him tomorrow. It’ll be really nice. I just want to hug him.

I’m being driven insane. All I can think about is him. When I read I think about him talking about physics and smiling and I think about him being nervous and awkward. I want to hug him and be honest with him about my feelings. I really really want to tell him how I feel. My feelings are a fire that’s burning so blindingly bright. God I’m being dramatic. But damn do I like him. I want to go to Barnes and noble with him to study together and read and I can imagine him and I sitting at a table. Him listening to audio books and working on physics and me reading the emperor of all maladies and us holding hands across the table. I’d occasionally look up from my book and smile. Fuck. I’m fucked. What do I do. My heart screams tell him. My mind says don’t get hurt don’t risk it. I finally have friends. I don’t want to risk it. But I also don’t want to risk him and I if he does feel the same. Fuck did he ask me on a date? He makes me want to listen to love songs and smile like an idiot. I haven’t felt this way for so long. Almost a year. Jesus I’m fucked.

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/20/18

I cannot get him off my mind It’s driving me insane. I keep thinking of yesterday and the conversation that could last forever

I THINK HE JUST ASKED ME ON A DATE OMFG HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO GO SEE A MOVIE SOMETIME. HE DIDNT KNOW WHEN TO ASK. I CANT FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/19/17

Over the past few days life hasn’t been bad. Surprisingly good. I could sit and talk with him all day he always surprises me with what he says and I think I’m fucked. I think about Gina lot and I try to talk to him and he’s putting in effort to talk to me! I’m excited but I don’t want to get hurt. I’m just scared of being hurt again. I don’t want to go through anymore bad shit. Like with Oregon guy. No more if that. Even though I say no more I miss him a lot. It’s unfortunate and I know I deserve better but maybe part of me doesn’t believe that and that’s why I always go back and forth with him. I wish I loved myself more and I wish I could find someone to love me. I know I say Valentine’s Day is stupid but it would be nice to have someone

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/14/18

I feel like an absolute idiot. I can’t get him off my mind. I’m stuck on him. Literally handcuffed to him. I hate it. Everything he said and everything he was is engraved in my head and I want to get him out. I want to get Taylor out and dad out I don’t want them. I don’t want to think of the people who have hurt me and I don’t want to think of what they’ve done but it’s stuck in me. I don’t want to grow up. It’s too fast and I’m scared. Im so scared of driving and getting a job and not being able to be a kid. I never got to be a kid. My childhood was damaged and i can’t fix it. I can’t fix my family and i can’t fix what was said and done. I can’t change my past. I want more power to change that but I can’t have that. Im so scared of the summer and senior year. I’m not ready. I just want to let time stop and evaluate everything. I want to sit with time and have everything stop all at once. And analyze everything in my life. I’m scared of time and getting old. I’m scared of people and myself. I hate how much weight I’ve gained since I got on birth control. I hate it. I want to cry and go back to the way my body was before. I want to take myself and fix myself. I want someone to see me. Fix me. Love me. Take care of me. Give me everything I need in life. I need myself to be strong. I need to be that caring loving figure but I’m scared im not ready. I want someone else to but that’s how I get damaged. I become relient on others. I need myself first and then another person after to hold my shattered parts meshed together with hot glue and thread. I need to be taken care of and loved.

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/13/18

I’m feeling extra gay today. No idea why. I almost want to scream from the rooftops that I’m a single bisexual in need of a woman but I feel like that’s too extra.

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

1/11/18

Counting down the days until I get my braces off. My head is killing me. Barometric pressure? Sinus infection? Both? Who knows. It hurts so bad. It makes me wonder if this is what my mom felt when she was sick. Today was okay. Just like every other day. I kind of want to be closer friends with Julia from English and history. She seems so smart and fun. Maybe she’s gay? I’m so exhausted and definitely not ready for Friday and Saturday. I’m in so much pain it’s brutal. I hope this sinus infection goes away soon. Lately I’ve been feeling okay, despite two days ago when I felt depressed and hopeless I’m okay. I want something to happen between him and I. Maybe when we hang out something will happen? I’m not sure what I want to happen in all honesty. Maybe a sure fire sign that he’s interested in me. According to what my friend said I’m sending off smoke signals that say “I LIKE YOU. GIVE ME A SHOT. YOUR EYES ARE PRETTY. DATE ME.” Maybe he’s oblivious or maybe he doesn’t like me. Whatever it is I’m going to do my best and go with the flow. I’m absolutely shitting my pants at the thought of senior year. I’m not ready at all. I’m not even driving on my own yet. I haven’t really even had my full childhood. It’s so scary. Senior year means new classes, I’m barely getting comfortable in my classes now. It also means college applications, I’m not even sure where I want to go. It means college and graduation. I don’t know what I want to do. I feel as if I’ll be that person changing my major every few years.

[trapped-in-a-labrynth]

I want to cry but I can’t. My life is going fine. It’s missing a few people though. One in particular hurt me several times and I kept going back to him like an idiot. I’m still stuck on him like glue and I miss him like crazy. I’m not sure if he’ll text me or if he misses me. I’m just hurt and confused and mad at myself for still wanting him around. It’s not healthy and I know better but I don’t know what to do. My crush is liked by me, of course and my best friend’s best friend. My other friend is touchy and clingy with him and she has a boyfriend. It’s been awhile since I’ve had petty stuff to stress about. It’s not bad, but a bit bothersome at times. Sometimes him and I lock eyes and I could just melt I’m comfortable around him. Of course a little nervous. But I don’t feel judged or insecure. We have similar interests and he’s so perfect. He’s sweet and so intelligent and he makes me weak in the knees.