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trashqueencrisis · 2 years ago

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2/08

It's the day/morning after my first night on seroquel (12.5mg - which is literally half the lowest possible dose as it comes in 24mg) and without ANY cymbalta.

The seroquel was lovely for winding down and resting, it helped me get to sleep so easily and stay that way. I was able to sleep through most of the usual discomforts including the night sweats which is usually what breaks up my sleep the most. It was honestly like floating on a lovely little cloud into the evening and off to sleep and being able to STAY that way despite withdrawal symptoms was bliss. Blissful is actually the perfect word for it.

I slept through my alarm. I slept through people checking in on me. I didn't make it to breakfast OR morning check in. I didn't wake up until 10am. I missed my medication that ideally is before breakfast (so pre 8am).

Staying here I've learnt that the day after my cymbalta dose has been reduced, the fatigue hits me *hard*. I can easily be out for the whole day sleeping (and deeply) and usually miss check in or morning group because of it. I'm exhausted and not functional.

Adding the Seroquel on to that obviously it was hard this morning. Like I said, I slept through people doing check-ins, breakfast, the morning hub-bub and getting my morning medication - which is Saxenda and a Berocca.

So to round up the context: BRAND NEW medication that is specifically to help me relax and get to sleep. NO MORE of my old medication and a history of being fatigued and hypersomniatic the day after said cymbalta dose is reduced (as I receive my dose in the evening).

I leave my blinds open to help with a natural, slow progressive wake-up knowing I am on a new dose and might struggle. I WANT to be there for all my obligations.

On days when I am not on a newly reduced dosage I have no issues waking up naturally/without an alarm on time for breakfast, meds and check-in at 9am. I am reliable with my medication to the n'th degree and never need to be told to be there at 'medication time'. I have reminders on my phone if all else fails but also just am lucky enough that my memory and functioning and the routine is manageable for me here without prompting.

Cue me jumping out of bed at 10am so I can get myself ready and together enough to go to our morning group session at 10:30am. All my mitigation attempts failed and I still feel like I am zonked out from, maybe, the seroquel, but also very likely withdrawal from cymbalta. I didn't make check-in, but I am determined to be there for everything else.

My back is hurting and I think to myself I need panadol and maybe will need a tramadol much later. It is pulsing pain which is usually what makes me most vulnerable emotionally - it fills my cup quickly and I find it a discomfort that it more difficult to sit with and work through.

The social worker stops by unexpectedly as I am rushing to get dressed and brush my teeth and make myself smell acceptable. Of course I need to sit and discuss the processes and options I'm pursuing re: government funding. I am ok with all of that.

A nurse comes past to check that I will be going to group sessions today and I have to spend precious moments reassuring her I will be and that I want to be. I tell her that I am rushing now as I missed my alarms etc. and am on a new medication regimen/course and just has some unexpected set-backs pop up. I tell her I just need to go past and get my morning medication which I missed.

It's important to note that there are set times when medication is given out. I have a lot of PRN meds, most of which I try to take when I'm getting other things to make the nurses lives easier. But it's probably safe to say I get a fair few things outside the set times. I can't predict back pain or a panic attack after all - something they know.

7-8am

5-6pm

8-9pm

Are the times I can vaguely remember off the top of my head.

I arrive at the nurses station and let them know I need my missed morning medications. I am polite and deferential as always. They get my file etc. and she observes/states:

"You're supposed to have your medication before 8am. We have set medication times."

It was aggressive, not assertive. No please. It was brusk.

I apologise profusely and said I was on new medication and off my old one and just not functioning. I explained the situation of not waking up to my alarms etc.

Generally I am not someone who breaks rules. I am not someone who is deliberately disrespectful of someones time and efforts and I am ALWAYS effusively thankful and appreciative. I always am polite. I am a people pleaser through and through. I think most of the nurses here know that and know that I am not difficult to deal with. I am an easy patient and I don't ask for much if anything at all. I feel guilt putting people out.

There were a million other ways she could have said this that didn't essentially kick a dog when it's down.

All the patients here are no doubt struggling with something similar to what I am with meds, or variation on this theme. But they also know I am someone who doesn't rock the boat above everything else.

This was also all before she even realised she needed a signature on my saxenda injection pen. No doubt that pissed her off more.

I had wanted to ask for panadol because frankly my back is reaching a point that isn't bearable without pharmaceutical help. I didn't end up doing that, because I didn't want to cause a fuss more than I had. I had wanted to ask about seeing my psychiatrist to talk about leave. That also didn't happen at all.

If it was SO IMPORTANT that I have my morning medication at that time (it's truly not, it's a Berocca which is a fucking multi-vitamin and saxenda which should be taken at the same time each day, but it's not going to kill me if its hours late, which it wasn't anyway) then how about you come and wake me up and help me out like the nursing staff are supposed to. You didn't even know I was supposed to have a saxenda without my prompting, which is fine, but you obviously had no clue what I was supposed to be taking and so can't have cared that much. If you were that worried over my missed morning medication, you probably would have

a) looked up to see what I was supposed to get

b) come and got me out of bed to have it

I am not denying personal responsibility here, that is a critical skill we are building while here and keeping and maintaining a routine is also very important for our recovery efforts once we leave.

But we are also in a psychiatris hospital. We are supposed to be given help to achieve our goals. We are supposed to receive non-critical and non-judgemental support. And we are at a unique risk when being given criticism, even positive and constructive, of having it set off an internal spiral of shame, guilt, self-loathing and just generally strong self criticism.

Nothing about what this nurse said to me was mindful or considerate of ANY of this. It was such a small and seemingly innocuous comment, but it was made at a time when I am probably the most vulnerable I've been emotionally, physically and emotionally. And to a person who is overly polite and considerate to the point of self deteriment.

It stopped me from asking from medication and help I NEED and still do. Now I can't help but be conscious that asking for PRN meds outside set medication times is just the biggest inconvenience and that I am adding a huge burden to these nurses plates when nursing staff already do so much for so little.

No nurse has treated me like this before or said something so off-putting that I can recall. And I don't know if I am overly sensitive or if my issue with it is valid.

I know my reactions are overly sensitive. It sent me spiralling into the self-hate. It's made me worry I am treating nursing staff like they are my butlers or nannies and not my health care team. It made me feel immense guilt. I'm crying and angry amongst all the other physical pain, withdrawal dizziness and emotional chaos, and brain fog.

BUT I think taking issue with how the interaction went is valid, reasonable and rational. It was an arguably unprofessional, dismissive, inconsiderate and poor interaction that did not offer much thought about the unique hospital and patient context.

I'll ask for my medication for my pain on the way to lunch even if it's ultimately an inconvenience because of course I fucking will. It's going to be hard because I feel so all around awful, but I know it'll need to be done. Had I been in a better mind set I wouldn't have even needed to think all this through and gotten so hard on myself. I would just have skipped to being annoyed and somewhat angry at her approach and behaviour and gotten my damn medication.

If i had been someone else who doesn't have the tools to do this process, I could have been left hating myself for the rest of the day. I would have been a crying mess. I would have been in pain. I would not have been able to advocate for myself.

Had it been my first hospital stay I wonder if I would have been too scared to go and ask for pain meds like I am about to.

So fuck this person. I have sympathy and empathy for them too. I always will for service staff, hospo staff and workers like nurses because I know how things are in the world. Maybe they are having a shit day, maybe I interupted them when they had just FINALLY been able to sit down to get some paperwork done.

But also, fuck em.

You want to be a nurse? Then that is a role that comes with a certain expectations, including around professional conduct and interpersonal interactions, ESPECIALLY in a mental health hospital. It no doubts takes learning skills to mitigate when you have a shit day but still need to get through and interact with patients in a considerate and respectful way. And she wasn't young either. This isn't her first rodeo.

If that's too much, then maybe you're in the wrong job.

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trashqueencrisis · 2 years ago

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Auditory Hallucinations

I missed the doorbell once while living with my parents. It was the postman/courier with a package for them which then got taken to the post office and had to be picked up. I'd been sleeping - because depression.

They got mega sh*tty with me and expressed their dismay. I don't think I got chewed out, but there was a subtle message there as well that they thought it was just laziness - either I just couldn't be bothered to get up and answer to door OR I'd been sleeping cause I'm just lazy vs. actual chronic/depressive fatigue that meant I couldn't stay awake or didn't want to.

So then I was hypervigilante about the doorbell to the absolute n'th degree. To the point that I started HALLUCINATING the sound of the doorbell going when I'd be in bed and would get up to check it.

I figured out quickly it was an auditory hallucination but that didn't stop it happening and I certainly still had trouble discerning real vs. not. Sometimes I swear I'd heard it, other times I suspected it wasn't real but *had* to get up and check anyway because I didn't want to risk being wrong and upsetting my parents.

AND FOR WHAT?! Go collect the parcel from the post office ffs it's not that big of a deal. They aren't going to withold it or send it back for like 2 weeks. Back then there's a good chance I would have been active enough to go and pick it up for them myself.

But no.

I've since also hallucinated the jingling/metallic sound of our dogs collar, since when he was a puppy and wasn't fully house trained he had some accidents. That hypervigilance still sometimes kicks in when I hear him, but mostly it's gone now because he's all grown.

We now have a 'ring' doorbell and so the anxiety is mostly gone that i'll miss the doorbell because it comes through on my phone as a notification. But those notifications also make me nervous because I gotta jump out of bed and race to get a delivery.

Meanwhile, it is rare that I haven't been able to pre-select ATL for almost all my packages when I get courier notifications on shipment etc. Don't ask me why they can't figure this shit out.

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