traumaconvos

[traumaconvos]

The other day I shut down in therapy to the point that I had to end the session early. I was talking with my therapist about how external depression makes sense because its circumstances but internal depression doesn't make sense to me because it just seems like my body randomly going hey today we're not going to function normally. We had talked about how the internal & external can feed into each other which create a negative feedback loop. The external to me is a puzzle to be solved through work, systems and routine that I can figure out. The internal is a puzzle but my brain is basically saying the puzzle, and therefore life, is meaningless.

Let's back way up for a minute. Because of the way my parents decided to "raise" me I didn't have friends growing up that were around my age. I spent most of my pre adult life just longing for friends, let alone someone to date. When I went to Lee I was just self aware enough to know that I was socially awkward but not aware enough to be able to fix it. I just knew that I was awkward and that something about me was off which was confirmed to me through numerous social interactions. To my credit I worked on this over the years and largely feel like I've grown past this. I consider Lee the greatest point in my life because it was the only time that I've been around people my age with a shared interest (graduating from Lee) and where I had multiple friend groups in different social circles. That being said over the years there's been this certain uneasiness that I have that even though people love me and would do anything for me, I never feel truly accepted. I never feel truly safe.

Let's back up even further now. External depression has always been with me in some sense because there hasn't been a point in my life where I didn't have a sense of longing for something that I haven't experienced. When I was growing up it was friends. When I was at Lee it became women. When I left Lee it was wanting to be accepted and valued for my work and still wanting a relationship. Even though I intentionally chose to cut myself off from my family, there's a certain emotional feeling that comes with that despite the logic of accepting it. I think that feeling while it might not be rejection, it's a lack of a sense of acceptance. I think that fear of never being truly accepted, whether rational or not, is present in every part of my life. I feel like I'm one fight, one bad conversation or one mistake away from anyone or everyone rejecting me. When I got Kolby one of the primary drivers of that decision was wanting to feel like I wasn't in life alone. I don't know fully if he's helped with that but that feeling of not having someone to share my life with, to celebrate the highs and the lows is still very much there. I say all that knowing that I have a fantastic group of friends who love and care about me. But given the lack of having an accepting family, the rejection I've faced personally & professionally combined with the friends I've lost this all makes sense.

Circling back to the end of the second paragraph. This all combines together in my work because of the rejection that I've faced there. A brief recap of my professional adult life:

- Worked a job for 2 years and I quit / was fired because of management making arbitrary changes for no reason to my schedule when I had already lined up freelance work

- The freelance work I accepted with Whiteboard was supposed to be a full time job even though it was structured like a retainer.

- I worked so hard there, constantly showing up before others and leaving well after they had gone because it was the first time I felt challenged.

- I was fired for reasons completely unrelated to my work that were an overreaction on Whiteboard's part

- Because the whiteboard guys were friends that I had known since college this wasn't just professional distance, I looked up to and respected them so it really hurt me that I would put so much of myself into my work and they would reject me.

- I realize now that this was traumatizing to me as I had a complete emotional breakdown over it.

- I took it as a catalyzing experience that failure was a motivator to succeed.

- While that was helpful in terms of what made me drive, the underlying part is that I am a failure.

- Doing freelance work made me feel like I was a failure.

- While it's partially that freelance was born out of failure the other part is that I still feel alone in my day to day life.

- I want to work with others so i can feel like I'm a part of something bigger than myself and I don't feel completely alone.

- I have been fired from multiple places:

- WB

- CG

- MM

- CC

- ID

- FW

All of those feelings combine with the longing from my teenage years for friends, the longing from my adult life for a relationship and the lack of feeling accepted because I've chosen distance with my family. I feel like I'm in my day to day life alone because the reality is my day to day life is spent largely alone. Combine those feelings of being alone with the rejection and the reason that I get so depressed / anxious / stressed about money and clients is because I feel like at any moment I will be abandoned, discarded and replaced. That's my big fear both personally and professionally. Rather unfortunately no matter how much I've grown personally or professionally that pattern keeps repeating. I'm terrified because while obviously my actions play a part the only part I focus on, even if I'm right, is that I failed.

Here's what frustrates me about all this. No matter how much I accept myself, the circumstances or my life this is ultimately out of my control. What I'm seeking here is a feeling of external validation from friends, job, a woman, etc that I don't know how to get. The external depression circumstance of being fired and unemployed feeds into the internal depression feeling of you don't matter and are a failure. Yes the next thing I'm going to write is going to be how I would respond if someone said all this to me and came to me for advice. But the thing I don't know how to solve is that no matter how much compassion I show myself, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I grow I'm never going to have that validated feeling until I am accepted externally. If I did everything perfectly with my diet, which I won't, I would still be a year or more away from feeling comfortable enough with myself to date. I know the feelings will stay. I know the longing will still stay. This is why internal depression feels like a maze that doesn't matter because I don't see a way out. I don't see a way to stop this feeling. I've had external depression for as long as I can remember but no matter how much I work, strive and fight I can be undone by one day of internal depression completely derailing all of my ambitions. I'm so exhausted dealing with this and i don't know how to fix it.

---

Ok so before I start responding to the trauma side of me and all of that I'm going to intentionally email a client an invoice that I've been avoiding since August and see what happens.

I'm feeling some levels of apprehension doing this. Definitely still there and present. I was able to do it without any real issue but I do feel some sort of feeling that's hard to pin down as a response to doing it. When i've described anxiety before its usually been a feeling like a weight pushing down on different parts of my body. This is different in a way that is strange to describe. Its almost like I can feel something at the edge of my skin just there but still present. I feel it in my chest but most strongly in my arms.

Response time:

A lot of what you're talking about in the early part of this is the frustration that you feel over all these feelings that you've experienced for a large majority of your life. This is completely understandable and frustrating. You've always had an external depression element in your life in some capacity that feeds into the internal element and ends up making both worse. That sucks. But before I respond to anything else you need to recognize the fact that recognizing and categorizing those parts is progress. It's knowledge. You're still learning and growing. Being able to categorize how this is impacting you will make the process come faster on how to identify what's happening and counteracting. I think one of the biggest things that you're dealing with here is the fact that you're using the ability that you have to jump access when processing and seeing the whole mountain when you only need to see a single step forward. Because you can't actually see the finish line seeing the whole mountain makes you feel panicked and like its too overwhelming to ever actually complete. The biggest thing that you have to see going forward is that the steps that you're taking matter. I understand it's hard to see the progress you've made because all you feel is the exhaustion of still climbing. But the way to reframe that narrative is the fact the climb is the measure of the progress. Each step you're taking, even writing this, is an action that you couldn't have taken before but you could ONLY take because of the progress you've made. That's incredible. Seriously. You deserve to give yourself credit for that.

I know it's exhausting. I know it's draining. I know that most days you just want to lay in bed and do nothing. That's ok. Even the process of you doing that is completely different than where it would have been a year ago. You described external depression as a maze you can find your way out of and internal as a maze that seems pointless but it isn't. Here's the good news. Even when you feel overwhelmed and down at how overwhelming the entire maze is, you keep moving forward. You keep fighting. You keep progressing when all you want to do is give up. Do you know how badass that is? Seriously. You would be insanely proud of any of your friends making this progress so its time to be proud of yourself for doing that.

I'd normally try responding to each part of this but I don't think that I have to. You know that these are the root of the disease. You know you're attacking it. You know that you can't overcome this tomorrow. That's ok. No one besides you is telling you that you have to. I'm giving you permission to stop beating yourself up over not being able to solve your problems overnight. You don't have someone to share your life with personally or professionally in the context you want. That sucks. But its also not a problem that you have to solve overnight. You're still climbing. You're still one step closer than you were yesterday. That's how you beat this. Its not mentally deciding that you've over this and it will be fixed tomorrow. Its the thousands of moments you're taking learning to accept yourself, build yourself, care about yourself and fight for yourself. You've already progressed a lot. Multiple people see this. But no one, even me, is asking you to fix yourself tomorrow. Listen to yourself. Listen to what your brain and your body are telling you. Take this one step at a time, even if the way you get to the next step is sitting in bed for a week.

I am going to address one specific thing before I stop writing though. I want you to truly hear this and go back to it as many times as you need to. You are good enough. You do have value. Just because things haven't worked before doesn't mean they won't work in the future. Believe in yourself. Believe that you've grown. Sometimes things don't work out and that's ok. But I know that even if the situations have been setbacks you've grown. Even if you've doubted yourself and felt like you'll never be good enough, you keep pressing on. Its time to stop worrying about reaching the mountain top and start being focused on your next step. You've got this.

[traumaconvos]

There’s a fear I have that is the core of everything driving my fear and anxiety. The fear that I will never be good enough. The fear that no matter how hard I work and how hard I fight to become a better version of myself no woman will ever accept me, let alone love me. The fear that I will always be disposable to an employer no matter how much objective value I add. There’s other stuff sure but this is the issue at the core of it all. That part of me feels fucking terrified that those thoughts are absolutely correct. The logic of the fact that these circumstances are the ones I’m living in are what keeps those thoughts present. It’s what triggers me more than anything else. Talking about it in therapy was difficult because it changed my entire mood which is why I’m writing all of this out. It feels overwhelming and all consuming to think that those fears are who I am. When I’ve talked before about feeling trauma in different parts of my body its usually a feeling in my chest (or strangely, my arms?) but this is like I’m completely and totally covered by it. 

That feeling is reinforced with women. The blunt truth is I was the problem for a long time - but the counter argument to that is that’s because I wasn’t socialized because my parents homeschooled me and failed to give me proper socialization - and because its hard to distinguish between when I was the problem or when the women were the problem, because I’m the only constant in the equation I feel like I’m the problem. This is on top of the logical, imperial, objective fact that I’m overweight and that’s a deal breaker for a lot of women. I don’t blame them for that. I’m not even really expecting anything if I try to pursue someone despite being so not confident in myself. Its more the fact that I want to be given a chance because I feel like at my core I know that I have a good personality, I treat others well and I would treat a woman well. I started badly interacting with women and doing stuff that when I look back now makes me cringe that I ever even tried because I had no freaking idea how to communicate with them. Looking back now that I’ve interacted with women over the years and learned more about communication I know that if I went back to basically any point in college I would have had infinitely more success. I know that and actually feel confident in it. To an extent I feel confident in how I can interact with women and make them want to be with me. But I don’t trust that they fully accept me. I’m afraid of being vulnerable because I’m still that kid who feels like he’s the base of the problem. Because I feel like I’m the problem I hyper focus that onto my weight. I know that even if it isn’t the the complete picture for why I’m single, its a factor. It feels easier to say that my weight is the problem then it is to acknowledge that I feel like I’m too fucked up to ever be accepted or loved. 

The feeling of abandonment with my family combined with the feeling of rejection from women plays into the rejection that I feel from work related purposes as well. When I got rejected from Storybrand, when I thought that I had a good chance, I don’t just feel the weight of rejection from jobs. I feel the abandonment. I feel the rejection. I feel the idea that no matter what my intrinsic value is, I’ll never be considered good enough. I’ll never be fully accepted. If I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing then I’m disposable. I think if we have to identify a core fear of anything its the overwhelming fear that I’m disposable and mean nothing. Yes that’s hyper focused in jobs because as a favorite saying of FW goes “everyone is replaceable”. I somewhat laugh because even typing that I see what a toxic environment it was. But that’s the core fear beneath everything. That people that I love and I care about will reject me, dispose of me, abandon me and ultimately replace me. Its the fear beneath everything because frankly its happened to me a lot. I know I’m not alone in that and I know other people have dealt with that. But all of the times I’ve been disposed of have left a scar and a fear where it might happen again. Every time it happens I feel like I, as a person, am meaningless and my life has no meaning. I’m not saying when I type all of this that I don’t have points where I feel accepted or loved, because I do. I’m just having a constant fear that those things will be taken away from me because I’m not good enough. To me, unconditional love doesn’t exist. I am one argument, opinion or screw up away from losing anyone. That’s why I’m afraid. That’s why I always retreat. Every time I have been rejected, abandoned or disposed it makes it feel like its more likely to happen again. It reinforces those feelings. Which is fucking petrifying. 

That’s enough diving into that right now. Its time to distract myself and respond compassionately to that part of myself later.

---

First, let me start off by saying that is completely and totally understandable. But the simple truth in response to your feelings is this: You are good enough and you do matter. Let that sink in for a second. You're so fixated and focused on the fact that if you do this, maybe you'll be accepted or be loved. No. You are accepted. You are loved. You are valued. The emotions that you've felt at the various stages make sense. Logically / cognitively you have felt those things before and those emotions were valid in that moment to process the pain of what you were going through. No one is saying otherwise. It also makes sense that all of these feelings would make sense at a time when you're isolated, unemployed and single. You know what's amazing though? You faced the core of your fears today and you didn't shut down for the entire day. Seriously. That's such a positive step to be able to identify hey this is an emotionally significant moment but you've learned methods to control it and shape it without it ruining you. Take a second and appreciate how much progress that shows that you've made.

Let me start addressing your family stuff with this very simple but very powerful truth: You did nothing wrong. Seriously, you did nothing wrong. Your parents raised you in an environment where you constantly had a fear that any action might lead to an explosively angry reaction by your dad. On top of that any time you started to find your footing emotionally and express the trouble you were having, the response was just narcissistic guilt that you weren't thankful enough for everything they were doing. Your emotions in those situations were valid. Your reactions are valid. You have a very strong sense of intuition and its usually correct. It's ok to trust that sense.  I know that the weight that you're feeling of not having a family is so damn heavy. But just because you've made the necessary and understandable choice to cut them off doesn't mean there's a problem with you. You were dealt a bad hand that defined a significant portion of your life. But you know what's incredible? You haven't let it define who you are as a person. You are constantly putting in the work to grow. You're actively making the hard choices to push past it. Family is, for a lot of people, something that is positive and irreplaceable. But here's the thing that you know deep down inside. You have a family. You are loved. You are valued. MM, GW, CG, AH, KS, CC and so many more people love you for who you are. They don't love you because of who you might become. Its not about what you do or anything you do for them. As a person, as a human, you are loved, valued and respected. It absolutely sucks that you weren't taught to feel that from your family but its also absolutely amazing that so many solid people love and accept you as you are, flaws and all. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that the shame, pain, anxiety and fear that you feel isn't valid because it is. I'm going to say something harsh that you know but you've never admitted to yourself. You will never have a traditional family. You will never have the experience that a lot of other people do. That's ok. it doesn't make you any less of a person. That you have the emotional maturity to recognize that anyone, let alone your family, is so toxic that they can't be in your life speaks to your desire to be a better person and constantly strive to be more. I know that its hard but you should be so proud of yourself, cause, wow. One last thing about this part. I know that you were constantly in fear as a kid. With the way you were treated that absolutely makes sense. But in addition to saying you're loved, you absolutely are safe. Its ok to let go and let your guard down. Even if you don't know why specifically you feel unsafe and afraid now from things that happened 20 years ago, that's ok. You are safe. You are secure. It's going to be ok.

Just like I said before: you did nothing wrong. Because of how your parents chose to raise you it stunted you socially. Because you were stunted socially you had absolutely no idea how to interact with women. That's not your fault. I get that your feelings about why you're single are very valid and very real, but you can let that define you going forward. Acknowledge the emotions. Acknowledge the hurt. But don't let them define you going forward. I get that a lot of cliche advice is just keep trying, plenty of fish in the sea, you'll find it when you least expect it and so on. Going back to what I said earlier. Your intuition is usually right. Trust it. If you don't feel confident and don't want to date until you feel confident in who you are as a person that's ok. The person that you are today is so much more emotionally mature and developed than the person you were a year ago. It absolutely makes sense to keep investing into yourself and working to become who you ultimately want to be instead of the person you don't feel comfortable in today. But I'm going to lay a few harsh truths down. You (relatively) understand women now. I would dare even say you're comfortable with them and know how to banter. The traits that make you a good friend, and to an extent the traits you've exhibited to women who used you, would make you an excellent boyfriend. But its taken a long time for you to learn those appropriate boundaries. It's ok for you to not be at a place today where you don't want to date because you want to keep investing in yourself. It's ok to feel alone and isolated. But you've learned from where you've stumbled before. You're making the healthy and correct choice to invest into yourself to become a more complete person who understands their trauma more. You're not a fuck up. You will be accepted. You are worthy of love. I'm proud of you for the progress you've made and am genuinely excited at the idea of who you are working to become.

Before I even address this, I just want to say how healthy it is that you can even recognize that the rejection and abandonment you feel in the other areas has creeped into the career areas as well. But I have to dispel something I see as false: You are good enough. You are accepted. You aren't disposable. You have worth. You have meaning. Your life has meaning. It's natural that these emotions would pop up based on your background. But just because you left a toxic environment or relationship doesn't mean every relationship is toxic. You've learned. You've grown. You've succeeded in ways that the Jonathan of even 5 years would be impressed with. You do have friends who love you and accept you no matter what. That is unconditional love. I love you. I accept you. You are safe. You are secure. You are valued. You are irreplaceable. You are not defined by your fear. You are not alone. The pain happened. It's real. But the exciting thing is what's happening right now. The fact that you're able to not only accept that it happened but move past it. You're growing. You're developing. You're so driven to work past this. I love you. And I'll do anything to protect you. Just don't give up. Because you're just getting started and I'm excited to see you kick major ass.