traumaticgravity - Tumblr blog

[traumaticgravity]

Yea i know ill be hurting ppl if i kill myself but right now in this very moment i just do not care anymore

[traumaticgravity]

Things are just

Happening too much

My brain feels like its rotting

Im a piggish fucking mess

Running up credit cards and not taking responsibility

Trying to fill this stupid fuckinf hole in my life

Im disgusting and deserve to die

[traumaticgravity]

Really thought that today would be tje day where i finally commit suicide but idk.......

[traumaticgravity]

I should just tape my stupid fat moutj shut so i could stop shoving food into it whenever i get fucking sad

[traumaticgravity]

Ive noticed ive gained weight AGAIN ahaha tjis fuckkng sucks man

[traumaticgravity]

If something in my life doesnt fucking change i may just kill myself im so fucking exhausted help.

[traumaticgravity]

Im ready to die.

[traumaticgravity]

Sometimes i think back to the times my step grand father was alive. Did i imagine the stuff he did? Did all of that horrible stuff actually happen? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why did he enjoy my company more than my older sister? Why did we have sleepovers and he'd push my sisters sleeping bag away from his and mine? Why was he so attached to me? Why would i wake up sometimes with my head on his stomach, inches away from his crotch? As i grew older, and my sister would stop staying the night, after his wife passed, why would he insist i sleep in the bed with him? And why would he always want to spoon with me, his bum to his crotch? Why was he always trying to rub on me, and feel me under the blankets. Why did he take me and my sister on the trip to bodfish that one time, and the night before we planned to leave, he said he wanted me to see him naked at the vacation house? He wanted me to see a real grown man. I was maturing already, had boobs coming in, hair growing, and why did he insist i use the bath in his master bedroom? Why did i sit in that tub naked, arms wrapped around my legs to hide myself, while my step grandfather , an old fucking man, a man who is supposed to love and dote on his grandkids but not like this not like this stand over me, shirtless, pulling his pants down so i could see his fucking dick hanging. Why did he want me to feel it and touch it, thank god i didnt i was so shocked and scared. Why d

[traumaticgravity]

I wanna die i wanna die I wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i w

[traumaticgravity]

AAAALSO

The anniversary of my stepmoms death is in 1 week and wow all my old feelings and guilt are bursting free from the tiny box i had duct taped in the corner of my brain. Its affecting my mood and im getting more bitchier and short with ppl. My fuse is running super short lately, im snapping at coworkers and customers at work. Customers are starting to pick up on my irritation and making snide comments towards me. Im just a huge mess. Im getting white hairs all over my head randomly. From stress? Anxiety? Who knows! Im 21 for fucks sake. How the fuck am i getting white hairs. Im closer to 18 than 40 jfc. Im already getting pissed off writing this.

[traumaticgravity]

Also i feel horrible about my image. I keep binge eating whenever im feeling depressed or just. Not feeling anything. Ive gained so much weight in the past 2 years, moreso after i broke up with M (my ex) last May. I keep overeating, and not working out to counteract the eating. So now im jusy this huge disgusting slob with depression and so much shame disgust and insecurities. Its summertime and i wanna be able to wear lighter clothes and SHORTS but my thighs chafe and get bumps, im just a huge lumpy lard mess. Cant wear tighter shirts, shows off my gut. Cant wear tank tops, my fat arms hang everywhere and my fat pushes free from my bras. Cant wear wire ones cuz the wire underneath the cup rests on my stomach and gives me sores. Cant wear fucking anything decent except for like. 3 articles of clothing i own, and theyre already starting to wear out. I just wanna starve myself or fucking vomit everything i eat ever. Maybe I'll feel better then.

[traumaticgravity]

I feel like im being left behind

My best friend (D)s boyfriend (K) moved in with him and while i love K to death, i feel like im being replaced slowly. I have no place to feel that way, but its always been me and D. Since K lived up North, and D and I live down south, it was always the 2 of us in person hanging out. A duo. But now our duo suddenly changed to a trio. Im trying to adapt to it, but i feel like a constant 3rd wheel and i get anxious and paranoid wondering what they think of me when ever i send messages. Since we have a discord group with us 3, i cant help but feel uneasy.

[traumaticgravity]

There i go ficking binge eating cuz im so fuckign empty

[traumaticgravity]

Ive returned cuz things are getting bad again. But not because of my trauma. This is all my doing.

[traumaticgravity]

Real talk, As an adult, I have no idea how to process grief.

I lost the greatest person to ever step into my life before I was aware of how great he was or what the rest of my life would mean. When people say “you have no idea what this feels like,” I want to scream because I know loss more than most.

After my dad passed, and I got older.. I learned a lot about both sides of my family and the resentment that flowed about it. When I became a teenager, I no longer felt important or special because the one person who was the greatest at putting my mind at ease was gone. As I’ve gotten older, I cling to my older brother to learn what it means to be stable and after I got put out of my mom’s, I had to learn to be my own mom and dad because that’s what it took to survive what felt like a second loss.

It’s tough for me to be at funerals, and to mourn with people because everybody that gets taken from us reminds me that death doesn’t give a damn whose life it destroys whether it’s relieving someone or not.

So if you don’t see me after a loved one (friend or family) has passed, please stop telling people I don’t care. I do. I do so much that I regress back to my childhood and I cry. I cry for that little girl who spoke at that funeral, and that teenage girl who realized that she’d never have a father daughter dance. I cry for the hearts who hurt and I carry that around because I can’t handle not knowing whether we’re gonna see those people on the other side or not.

Please understand that people grieve differently and STOP the passive aggression toward people who don’t process it the same way as you. Stop judging people who couldn’t muster up the strength to go to funerals and say goodbye. You don’t know how many people made that decision so that you wouldn’t lose another life in the process.

[traumaticgravity]

what grief is

grief is washing dishes and looking out the window and wondering when my mamaw will be back from work, three years after I’ve last seen her.

grief is seeing the pieces of clay i painted for my papaw when i was little on his old desk.

grief is seeing my mamaw’s shoes shoved in the back of the living room closet and feeling my heart squeeze a little bit.

grief is seeing my papaw’s old clothes stacked in the back of a closet.

grief is walking into the garage and getting the faintest smell of my mamaw’s cigarettes.

it’s been five years since I last saw my grandpa, and I can’t even stomach the thought of watching the last movie we ever saw together. it’s been three years since I last saw my grandma, and I can’t even glance in the direction of the hospital she was diagnosed in.

grief is a long, long process.

[traumaticgravity]

all I want is for someone to tell me it’s okay.

rub my back. hold my shaking skin together,

this quiet need is endless.

whisper in my ear secrets of the universe, they all sound the same to me:

like a rush of wind leaving my heartbeat empty, every word translated, It’s okay.

when you’re done, i‘ll whisper in your ear, superglued lashes relentless, please lie to me again.