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She returns

& i make sure that i gently sleep knowing that you'll call knowing your soft hands wait for me

i do not know the time the limit has been met few weeks ago stopped counting the hours

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Haven't done one of these in years

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Maybe

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?Today

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? I often do

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? Don't think so

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?Yeah

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?Cardigan, top, bra, knickers, joggers, socks

8. How often do you listen to music?Every day

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?  Jeans

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?No idea.

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?Mostly social

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?Yes

13. What about ‘R’?Don't think so

14. Can you drive a stick shift?Yeah

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? Depends who

16. Are you going out of town soon?Yes

17. When was the last time you cried?Last night a little

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?Yes

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?No

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? I haven't talked to my gf.

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?Yeah

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?No

24. What are you sitting on right now?I'm lying in my bed

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?Yeah :)

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?Of course

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?Uhhm my dad

28. Do you get a lot of colds? No

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? H&M

30. Does anyone hate you?Hope not

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?Hahaa no I'm not 14.

32. Do you like watching scary movies?Not really

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?No!

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? 2008 or 2009

35. Did you have a dream last night? Yes

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Today

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?Who knows? Unlikely....

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?Yeah

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Who knows?

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?Not really

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? Nope

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?If that girl is my mum, then yes!

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?Yes

44. What’s the best part about school? The end of the day

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?Duh

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? Hahaa. No.Rarely. I'm at uni, we don't do those kind of childish things ;) jk, always pass notes. actually we mostly just text each other.

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?all the damn time

48. Were you single over the last summer?i was

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?no, nothing at all

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?driving theory probs.

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?no!

52. Are you nice to everyone?no of course not. well i'm not unpleasant.

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?yes!

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?yes.

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?no

56. Do you think you like someone?yes

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?yus

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?both. boys are generally easier.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?yes. embarrassing.

60. Do you hate anyone?uhm, no. which is nice.

61. How’s your heart?s'alright.

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?yeah

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?yes

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? haha! i dunno. nobody i hope.

65. Are your toenails painted pink? no.

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? no because i make decisions for a reason at the time :)

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?no i dea, haven't had a boyfriend in 6 years ;) if he was really sad, that'd be horrible!

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?uhm probably a long time ago. thankfully, not recently?

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?jack

70. How do you look right now?utterly shit.

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?yes

72. Can you commit to one person?yes!

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?i do

74. Have you ever felt replaced?'course

75. Did you wake up cranky? sometimes

76. Are you a jealous person?yes, awful trait

77. Are relationships ever worth it?of course

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?no

79. Currently wanting to see anyone? VERY much

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?revise theory, work on EP, be happier!

81. Last person you cried in front of? My girlfriend

82. Is there someone you will never forget? many people.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? Yeah I think so

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Probably eating something and generally being sickeningly couply.

85. Are you over your past?Almost.

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Yeeeeeep (ridiculous)

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Yep

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?There's nothing for her to be sorry for, so that would make no sense. And sure I'd accept a present. But I'd be really confused!

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? YES!

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?Nope

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?I really hope so

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? I don't know him really well

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? Nope

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?I wasn't.

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? Very

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Not to me

97. Who do you have texts from?Lol, stupid question.

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?I'd be absolutely gutted. heartbroken.

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?Hahaaa. Yes.

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?Just me

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?No, that's a good idea

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?Yes.

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easter break.

heeeello. hi.

the past few weeks have been manically busy, with the rare time that i had free being disarmingly silent by contrast.

myself and 4 others shot a fiction film a couple of weeks ago. i happened to fall very ill (i say very, it was nothing life-threatening) during shooting so that really affected my performance on camera. i was disappointed because i'd been so looking forward to it.

anyway, it seemed to go quite well. i wasn't able to shoot for a couple of days. and i was camera woman. good times....

now i'm home for easter. now my dad is a bachelor, he just has one bottle of shampoo in the bathroom. head & shoulders for men.

i've been jogging with my mum twice already... hope to keep that up. i wanna go running with my girlfriend when i go back to uni and not embarass myself in front of her with my awful fitness levels. she's on the other side of the world at the moment, until late April. missing her quite a lot.

in other news, whilst i'm home i'll be recording my EP, taking my driving theory test, visiting my cousin Jess and generally hanging around on my own and with family. it's kind of nice to have a change of scene from high wycombe...

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in 2012

my housemates have become my family. i do not say this lightly. i feel so indescribably comfortable with them. we bicker, we have fun, we laugh, cry, talk for hours. and i have chosen them. that's really cool. i never thought i'd find people like this.

they support me in everything i do and they genuinely give a shit about my life. i do the same for them.

they have made me a better person. more considerate and happy.

they make me smile every single day.

thank you.

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i always find it's a big commitment to start liking a new band or artist.

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yes.

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hello.

in the past 3 weeks, my life has changed quite a lot.

i met somebody. it was unexpected. really lovely.

today is the first saturday i haven't been hungover in a while. it's nice. but i'm really tired for some reason. it's a beautiful day outside so i think i'll go see if andy wants to do something. i've done a little work. not enough. but i can't concentrate on it.

i've been enjoying learning new songs on the guitar recently. i just love singing, it feels soo good.

it kind of feels like i'm living in some kind of bizarre dream sometimes. i can feel myself changing. i don't know if i like it. i think i do.

i'm leaving the old cathy far behind. i'm glad to do so. i won't ever forget her. but she's fading now. that's fine.

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drivinggg!

i've had 4 driving lessons. 2 of them were 2 hours long. so i've had 6 hours.

today i drove on main roads and used loads of roundabouts. i was scared shitless but i did it! and i'm very proud of myself.

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it's awkward everytime we talk now. i'm sorry for that.

but it's been 4 months. and it's the same conversation every time. every day.

i can't help you anymore. i love you and mum equally.

i just feel so guilty because i don't know what to say. i've said all i can.

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self hate sunday

i wish to feel nothing.. no desire, no unfulfillment.

i don't feel like i am anyone right now. i seem to have so many personas. i say things before i think and i loathe myself. i cheat on my past self. the positive days.

i don't know if i'm still depressed. some days i feel i really am. others i don't.

i say too much and do too little.

i just want to feel peaceful. i want to accept change because nothing is static.

i care about things that i shouldn't, and disregard or ignore things i should.

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Janet and the salmon.

I've had a reminder on my laptop to write this for weeks now.

I have a lovely relative named Janet who is in her 60s and a very what I like to call 'proper' woman. When we dine with her, we dine politely with our elbows off the table. A dinner occasion at her house is not an occasion at which one can say they dislike the food on offer.

So, Janet and the salmon.

My first encounter with salmon at Janet's was at a very rare 'casual' meal. That is to say, there were quite a few people there and we couldn't all fit round the dining table so we ate on our laps (quite proposterous!). The starter was cured salmon. I happen to hate cured salmon. At this point in my life I hated all sea food. So I was a little panicked to see the salmon approaching on the little starter plate and I imagined my impending doom of having to get this down my non-abiding throat.

I was sitting close to my brother and cousin, however, and I took the opportunity whilst Janet attended to some other guests to quickly place my salmon on to the boys' plates whilst maintaining a very calm and collected air about me. The changeover of salmon was quite an easy affair due to the informality of the occasion. Janet came over a few minutes later and asked if I'd like anymore salmon. I replied "No thank you, but that was delicious." Little did I know I would regret this white lie in just over 3 years time.

This Christmas just gone, I attended a FORMAL meal at Janet's. Now, aged 20, one would expect one to eat whatever one is given without fuss. Shame I'm still a bit of a fussy eater. This time, we enter the dining room. Dead silence. The starter is cured salmon. I freeze. I look at my brother, who is hiding a snigger. I can't look at him. We are allowed to start. I pick up my knife and fork, hardly daring to take a first bite. I dare. It tastes horrible. I manage to chew (it takes so long) and swallow. I don't know if I can get through this. I'm thinking "she remembers what I said 3 years ago. she thinks I like this!"

Then. Then...

THE PHONE RINGS.

THE PHONE RINGS!

HALLELUJA! I am saved!

Never in the history of Janet's dinners has the phone rang. It was like a gift from God. She apologised for the inconvenience (knowing little of just how much that phonecall meant to me) and left to answer. I swiftly transferred most of my salmon on to my Dad's plate. I left a little on mine so as to not look suspicious. I could cope with it.

This story will go down in history in my family. That is the tale of Janet and the salmon. Goodnight.

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Black Sheep

Last night, after a 3 hour lighting seminar:

Mark gave Andy and I a lift home (bliss as it's so damn cold these days) and I invited him over to watch a film.

We watched Black Sheep with Georgie, which was AMAZING. It was so, so funny, and so well made. I enjoyed it so much. We couldn't stop laughing. I can't believe they were all killed by a sheep's fart. Incredible. At one point I was hysterically laughing and ended up shaking Mark's hand?! I can't describe how funny it was.

I love nights like that.

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Why I chose film.

What made me choose to study film and tv?

It was a decision made gradually. At the age of 14, I started looking at films not just as entertainment, but as an art form. One that I could be involved in.

What do you do when you feel down? What do you do when you are with friends?

Watch a film. Watch some T.V.

Film and TV has always been a constant source of comfort for me. I relate to fictional characters, in the same way millions of other viewers do. When I don't want to talk to real people, I sink into a film or programme. It gives relief. To put your imagination into something and create something that effects and inspires other people... that to me is magic.

I have a passion for the arts. I have the greatest appreciation for film. You can do so many things with it.

And I hope with all my heart that I can do this for a very long time.

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Mahogany Hallucination.

 I have walked these creaky floors barefoot   Enervated, I have walked these floors with dusty soles Founded was the space where the suitcase once lay Spinster on the edge of denial Musty clothes, brown leather shoes Worn by nostalgic women, resilient men Worn and torn, worn to tear Until irreversibly, inevitably, irrepressibly broken Rusty nails once shiny and new kicked to the curb Molten sludge Conceived each day Dysphoria in every guttering cracked; Revealing dirty spillage Chased, captured by those who wish to be hurt Spinning wheel, spinning wheel Repeat after me Click, click, click A light in melancholy night Seldom found in times like these Times too vital to touch But make their presence known Sit quietly to wait For plates to break For hands to shake Dimming lamps And sugar lumps Defy the bitter lemon taste

- Poem by myself

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I'm done.

I'm done with thinking people are better than me. I'm done with thinking I'm not good enough. I'm done with being intimidated by beautiful people. I'm done with thinking I need a relationship. I'm done with being lazy. I'm done with caring if others are lazy. I'm done with letting anxiety stop me. I'm done with caring what people think. I'm done with giving into persuasian. I'm done with jealousy. I'm done with not respecting myself and others. I'm done with longing, and wishing. I'm done with saying I'm done!