treetoppreservationsociety

[treetoppreservationsociety]

Simply put a second sock over the sock you have put over your baseball bat, then you have a backup if the intruder grabs the first one. What if they grab the second sock? Add a third.

[treetoppreservationsociety]

Not every day you get to talk to a real world celebrity.

[treetoppreservationsociety]

I went to a man vs food things a few years ago, the restaurant where they were filming an episode I mean, Something Steaks or some such, I saw an advert for it in the ads page of Quasmo, you don’t get paid but there is free food and if you get excited enough about the guy eating the food there’s a chance you’ll get to make a little comment that will be broadcast to millions of people, which is, you know, neat. We showed up and there was a lot of waiting around, the guy who does it is surprisingly chill about people not showing up on time, himself included apparently. Finally get to filming and the thing he’s got to eat is a banoffee pie, a banana and toffee pie, they’re putting a whole African-tribal spin on it because the bananas are sourced from the DRC so there’s black guys walking around, shirtless, with war paint and stuff, when the main guy finally shows up a makeup lady in a skirt made of leaves smears lines on his face with like purple pulped berry paste or some such, there’s more waiting around, and then the main guy does an interview, and then there’s more waiting, and then he starts eating. We can all tell pretty quickly he’s going to do this one easily, my friend goes to me “I could do that one” and I agreed with her, although quietly because you know we were on camera, anyway, the guy who was like the director holds up a blank board whenever he’s filming and needs us to be excited, so between those time when the board was elevated and we were being excited we were just talking amongst ourselves, you know, and one of the times when the board was down and we were just talking amongst ourselves I notice the main guy was not making eye contact with me, but was gesturing me away from my group of friends, like, very surreptitiously, just gesturing for me to come over with his hand sort of behind the table. At first I wasn’t even sure if he was doing it, but he held up a napkin in his other hand to make like a privacy wall and beckoned me sharply and then put the napkin down and looked around to make sure no one had seen him. I got the message and I came over. He leaned in close to my ear still without looking at me so it’s not obvious and says “I can’t do it man, it’s too much, I can’t do it, you’ve got to help me”. Now I was up close I could see he wasn’t doing so well, he was really sweaty and his eyes were red and wet round the edges and he had gunk coming out of his nostrils. I started kind of hesitantly telling him I didn’t think I was meant to do that, maybe we could talk to the director man or something, but I turn to look for the guy with the board and he quickly grabs me by the arm and almost shouts “No! No, not him!” then looks around to make sure no one noticed his outburst, and looks me right in my eyes and says “please, please, you’ve got to help me”. Fucking weird, but fuck it I think, I pull out the waste-band of my trousers and he starts tipping banoffee pie in, it’s cold at first but I don’t mind too much, not everyday you get to talk to a real world celebrity

[treetoppreservationsociety]

no see we can’t afford a clapboard for this porn scene so could you just slap her ass so we can see how out of sync the audio is

[treetoppreservationsociety]

As a word, gobstopper sounds a lot more top drawer than gob

[treetoppreservationsociety]

it's ok I remember when this blog used to be funny too

[treetoppreservationsociety]

has anyone ever actually smelled anything good coming off a flower? just propaganda?

[treetoppreservationsociety]

scientific name for a Gorilla is actually Gorilla Gorilla, fascinatingly the full name for the malteser in a box of celebrations is actually "Maltesers Teaser". Shite, bottom three, mystery how they've worked up a following. Worse than regular Maltesers and regular Maltesers aren't great unless you put 20+ in your mouth to get the asphyxi high. Milky Way is the scum of the box. Mars is low down since the taste of a mars is too heavy for a bite-sized snack, Mars is just there to stop the box blowing away. Snickers and Bounty are high King and Queen of a box of celebrations, the galaxy duo represents the tory-voting middle class, Twix are the illegal immigrants who think if they stay long enough they'll be granted citizenship. Quality Streets - neighbouring third world country.

[treetoppreservationsociety]

fuck good posture I’ll be less likely to be decapitated by a road signs whilst driving a convertible with the roof down.

[treetoppreservationsociety]

Good posture is great for, what, seeing over the tops of things? Sliding sideways through tight alleyways?

[treetoppreservationsociety]

rib is getting better by the day, at least it was until I decided to try some posture correcting exercises in the office because a straight-backed Australian man on the internet told me I should. Not sure what I’ve done, but I’ve moved back a week in terms of the physical acumen I’d regained. Was banking on me being back up to a state of litheness and grace I haven’t recaptured yet, so who knows how long a delay I’ve now added to my return to supplety. Of course it’s a word, it’s on Power Thesaurus dot com, no fewer than 28 synonyms. I think having a good posture is overrated anyway, having a bad posture puts my head closer to everything I am trying to look at.

[treetoppreservationsociety]

[treetoppreservationsociety]

Wondering why I barely post here anymore? There’s another blog. It’s family friendly and it gets weekly updates.

[treetoppreservationsociety]

warned you, didn’t I?

[treetoppreservationsociety]

Big advantage of a risk department is that it’s all confidential ergo there’s no CCTV cameras watching our doings - thought I’d kick the Wednesday shift a notch in the right direction with a pair of classic Barnstormer, not that I could find them for love nor equity in London but of course I still have some left over from university. Started pouring it out into glasses but forgot you’re getting at best 20% fluid barnstormer for 80% foam when glassed, Lips on the plastic teet then, total seal (don’t need an air gap (circular breathing)) and scissor the bottom of the bottle so there’s no vacuum issues, then invert it up up up so bottle and I stand 7 feet tall, standing as to get maximum gravitational assistance (1/?)

[treetoppreservationsociety]

Youre welcome

When I was a kid and I said my prayers in the evening I wanted to make sure I covered all the suffering people in the world, so no one was left out, and then at least it wouldn't be my fault if their lives didn't fix up, I wasn't too hot on current affairs or using catch all clauses so ended up just listing everything I'd heard adults talking about, 'dear god thank you for dying on the cross to take away our sins and please help me to find my tamagotchi before it starves and also please help all the tsunami and earthquake and bombing and hurricane and drought and terrorist attack survivors', that kind of thing, as the years went on the list only got longer, I mean it feels bad if one day you just stop praying for needy people but every time something else came up in the news I needed to pray for that too, before long evening prayers were taking like literal minutes, I'm not still in with that crowd so idek what happens to people who overlapped two groups of needy and got double prayed for but what I can tell you is that global poverty is at an all time low and global life expectancy is now at an all time high.

[treetoppreservationsociety]

Hoover inventors are so arrogant