tresoleil-blog-blog
Floating
Trigger warning. Seventeen, Canadian. I'm not scared of dying, I'm scared of living.
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if you’re recovering from something, i’m proud of you. from a broken heart, to a broken leg. from addiction, to self harm. keep at it, you :)
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7393) I don't want to hate myself anymore.
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I've gained so much weight back bc of softball and I legitimately cannot even look at myself in the mirror
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I don’t want anything complex.
I want to be able to drive to the mountains late at night and watch the fireflies cut through the
July air, want to escape this small town with it’s small town mindset.
I want to get away from all of these people telling me what to do and who to love,
their eyes full of dollar signs and their lips
cracked and dry. Be comfortable. Secure. Security is everything. Security doesn’t mean happiness, don’t you understand?
It’s not humming with life. It’s making sure you have a casket for the grave. Well maybe I want to be cremated.
My heart is cracking and drying. My heart is failing.
No machines can pump enough electricity into it to get it buzzing,
no pills can make me feel like I am alive.
My feet are burning, my hands are hungry
and I want to disappear without a trace but wonder if I could ever do that to people I love
but maybe they’ll be better off not knowing that I have become a struggling writer-artist-activist
in a shitty yellow apartment with too much rice to eat,
maybe they’d be happy to find out I’d painted the walls a light pink
and my imagination is brimming and art is everywhere
and maybe it won’t be as beautiful as I hope,
maybe I’ll still be too sad to care most days like I am now, maybe I’ll finally
make use of the few bullets I keep close by just in case or maybe I’ll
live and be peaceful.
I am going through everyday like it’s a chore. I am exhausting the daylight like it’s firewood.
I just know I’m not happy
and I am tired of being sad
and I’m ready to disappear and start over
and someday I will disappear and start over,
someday I won’t be everyone else’s somebody else.
Someday you will never hear from me or see me again
and I’ll be okay. Somehow someway. Don’t worry.
xxxxxxx || Scarlette La Vaillante (via scarlettethewriter)
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