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THAT GIRL...
I became that girl.. that cold, snowy March day. The day I thought was a normal day. It was the day you had planned out in your sick mind. It was the day you made me become a number in your book, a number that every female prays they never become part of. You ripped every sense of innocents from me. You ruined the inner child I was trying to heal. Now.. now I look back and see how I was healing from lack of affection, love, and attention through the plan you had made. The plan to ruin me and everything I had, wanted, and planned to become. I lost the last few pieces of my soul that March day. I had to be THAT GIRL.. in the eyes of my family, the hospital nurses, and and worstly myself. You fucking ruined my soul, my will to continue living. THAT day, I'll never forget. As the same with the day I lost James. You ruined me but also gave me my first reason to love again. You gave me the biggest gift a person could ask for. . A child. Yes a child conceived from rape but he was the most beautiful soul I've ever encountered. I may have not gotten to watch him grow but I felt him growing in my eleven and twelve year old body. He grew from a tadpole to butterfly flutters all the way to full on kicks. I'll never regret those moments of movement, his way of letting me know he was there. In my dark moments of wishing for death,, he would move or stir. But like your fucked up plan the universe had a darker one to come that I had no idea was coming. I lost my love when I was 8.5 months pregnant. He died. My will to continue died in my belly. In me!! Just like the innocence you stole, the universe stole him from me. I would never wish Ill upon you but I pray to some higher power you experience the smallest amount of pain I felt those two days. Of becoming that girl..
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Today was the day i got called sir, and happy cried 🖤
So today started good, i woke up shaved my hair back on the side. Then off to college, meh teachers are asshats. But then i went to the bathroom. I went towards the gender neutral as always.. And then it happened. A random person who ive never met said here ya go sir and held the door for me! Huge tears welled up in my eyes and let me tell you that was like getting a puppy on christmas!! 🖤🖤 sometimes its the small things in life
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Another day,, as always. I am the burden.
Today has been a dark stairway that leads deeper into the depressive hole im stuck in. I am stuck at the bottom of the stairway with no handholds or a will to climb. As badly as I should climb I just cant. But the first time i ask for help to climb, i am the burden. Then she comes back into my life, the angel that I was suppose to marry all those long years ago. I loved her deeper then anyone in my entire life. She led me down my stairwell but would help me find my will to climb. She was the angel of my nightmare that I longed for so badly. Everyday i pray she is safe. I pray so hard, for her to return and be happy, for the first time in her life. Times have changed for me since I lost my angel. I met a new person, he is the Christina to my Meredith. As crazy as that seems. Yet he leds me to the stairs as well but attempts to pull me up but never succeeds. Always i feel as a burden.. Foreverly a burden..
🖤🖤🖤🖤
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Lets get teeth extracted,,
Welp only my luck would be my wisdom tooth would shatter. Off to the dentist we go! 😭😭😭
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The boy locked in a girls body..
Its me. Trevor. For all you who are new I am a nonbinary cisfemale who rather be a cis male more then anything in my pathetic life. My life is a state of living hell. I battle demons just like anyone else, but mine are more about my ptsd and my gender identy. I prefer Trevor so thats just who i am. At this point becuase of all my lifes fuckerys i am a mess, yes I said it ok im a fucking mess. I can say that with a smile on my face. I am a chronic insominac, anxious little ball, depressed hateful turtle and a bipolar giraff cause ya know puberty hated me and made me freakishly tall. So yup. ☺
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