triheartedhero

[triheartedhero]

New Crow Time 🐦‍⬛🦊🌟

[triheartedhero]

Modern fandom went awry when people stopped learning how to avoid content that upsets them and instead starting actively seeking it out.

I mean this in the kindest, most loving way possible, but babes you'll be so much happy when you stop focusing on what other people are doing and instead focus on what you like.

You'll never be able to stop people from liking what you hate, and the best way you'll find any peace of mind is properly utilizing blocking, blacklisting, and muting tools. Take it from someone who used to run a shipping discourse blog, fandom is supposed to be what you enjoy, stop focusing on things that upset you.

[triheartedhero]

You have been sentenced to death in a magical court. The court allows all prisoners to pick how they die and they will carry it out immediately. You have it all figured out until the prisoner before you picks old age and is instantly transformed into a dying old man. Your turn approaches.

[triheartedhero]

Hey I didn't miss it

FUCK. honestly just FUCK. We missed a very important day yesterday.

[triheartedhero]

Do you think Mr salt's dick comes out of his shaker top?

There's more to the blue's clues curse

[triheartedhero]

Wow.... How stupidly moronically is this thing here.... This.... "Hope"

I writing this where I know my nay sayers will never find me.

Over the past two years my life has completely uprooted and changed and when I thought it settled again it changed again.

Two years ago I thought I would die taking care of my mother, living in a hoarder's house. I would still be walking 16 miles one way five times a week between 7pm and 6am with a four hour shift somewhere between. No matter the weather. During the day I'm walking to and from the store either for food to cook either in an electric skillet or a large toaster oven. Maybe I've gone to get my mother's several medications, of which they rarely had refills in sync. Perhaps I've gone to the doctor's with my mother. No matter what, I haven't eaten or slept enough for any of it. My sanity is non-existent. I'm surviving, barely, wanting to die daily. In fact I cannot wait for that horrible house to finally give up and swallow me whole. Death would be better is all my mind tells me.

A year ago I thought I would never get off my brother's couch, and that I would forever be a free live in babysitter without a chance to ever "adult" again. I would constantly and forever have to sneak through a house at 4-6am after a shift of work. Unable to shower the baked on sweat off because "the shower will wake the babies". Sleeping on a couch with an old ass worn hole. Only to be awaken by the souls of screaming babies by 10am. For every reason in the book their mother would find errands to run from noon until 5pm. But "can you watch the babies?" Granted there were days I was allowed to go on errands as well. But at the end, I was always watching babies. Not allowed to nap until 6pm when I often jump on my bike at 7pm to make it to work on time. I am tired, constantly. I'm always on eggshells because of how I fear over staying my welcome. At any given moment I can finally piss off my sister in law enough that she kicks me out. She never did. But, when she was given a chance to get me out, it happened in three days time.

Six months ago, I thought I would forever be the eldest of six children. Wherein I was rarely treated as an adult. And once more, forever the free live in babysitter. Here adults saw me as one of the children, but the children saw me as the most reliable adult. Often times, they come to me over their parents for questions that only parents could answer. During all this I am still working, sometime between my brothers house, and this one, I have gotten a car things a little easier. Until they aren't. My car breaks down, and I have to rely on the good will of my "not actually my father" and my "not actual stepmother" to have a vehicle. This works for a while. Though now I MUST wake at 8am every day, when I got in at 4am, to watch a 4yo. Sleep.... It's still rare. I look forward to weekends and winter/spring/summer breaks, they mean I can sleep. It doesn't stop the children from coming to me every hour. But at least here I have my own room. And a bed. At least at least at least. I'm treated like a child, until it's convenient I'm not. Rarely am I thought of for family outings (Even though I can pay for myself). I'm family, but I'm not.

Never have I ever truly felt like.... Family. I'm the pity case. The poor case. I'm easy to get a "yes" from, because I'm always afraid if I say "no" I will loose my place to sleep. Sometimes I feel "love" and I have taught myself to that "these people will not hurt you to love you", but that is only when I'm remembered as family.

My true family, is my chosen family. They are shattered and far. Chances are I will share with them this link and they will know who my chosen family is. My chosen family have been the quiet voices supporting me through my past. Sometimes, a lot of times, I know I was hard to love. But love me they still did. Holding my hand in the dark.

They are the ones who have told me "you can do this". They are the ones who said "live your life"

Now I have the chance, one I am taking with both hands. To start new. To live. To be my truest self. It scary. I am moving across the country to a place I have never been before. I am leaving behind everything I've known. The oh so many bad things, and the few good ones too. I have a love, that I am not scared of. Not for one moment. Things I once said "never" to, are things that seem.... Wonderful with her. And that uncertain tomorrow.... There IS a tomorrow and I look forward to it. Even the tomorrow of years to come.

My family would give me every reason to say no. I say "there is no other time for this, there is NOTHING in this world I have wanted more". I have lived, my whole 33 years of life.... For others. To serve others. To do for others. Just enough so that I could scrape by a survival.... Not even living just survival. But this is the first time I have said "this is for ME. *I* deserve this! I deserve a LIFE to LIVE for ME."

This is me saying "my life is no longer yours universe, MY LIFE IS MY OWN"

My chosen family are the ones who tell me "you can do this", "we believe in you"..... "I'm proud of you". People I don't share blood with are the ones who can say those things to me. What kind of joke is that? What does it say about my family? It tells how much those I never see, really see me. They are the ones who see the true me, and still find it in themselves to love me. They believe in me.

TL;DR I came from shit, I'm turning my life around. My biological family doesn't believe in me, my chosen family does

[triheartedhero]

I cannot explain, my level of pain and anguish. I have never "anguished" in my life. I only know... I am so broken

Perhaps I never grew up, maybe I am still a child. I cannot help that I was made to parent my parent before I even had two digits to my age.

All I know is

I cannot take this pain

And this kind of pain...

To feel your soul die any time you breathe?

I cannot wish to put this on anyone

[triheartedhero]

As much as I write here

There are still things I am afraid to say

Because I truly do not know why I still let myself live

[triheartedhero]

Don't do that

Don't give me something to live for

As well intended as it may be

No matter how genuine you are with what you think you're giving me

Don't give me hope

Because all it is

....

No matter how beautiful

....

It's a promise that somehow

My heart will be broken again

Hope is the worst human emotion

It gives you dreams of something better

But sometimes.... "Better" isn't for you

Sometimes "better" is always meant to be out of your reach

And I tired of hoping

Only to be crushed again

[triheartedhero]

If I survive this

I vow I will not let myself be stupid enough to love ever again

Never again will I be one so foolish to trust someone with all I am

To give someone the key to my soul and lay myself bare

Never again

[triheartedhero]

Can you hear my soul scream out

Can you feel my dreams shatter

Would you mourn me as my heart stops

[triheartedhero]

Never to be "okay" again

[triheartedhero]

Carve out my heart

I'm done

[triheartedhero]

I'm tired of dying and Lord Hades telling me it is not my time, only to be sent back here. My lord I want to stay in the underworld, I want to drink from the waters of lithe. I want to end.

[triheartedhero]

Seriously what is it about me that is so fucking unlovable. I'll do everything I can to try and change it

[triheartedhero]

Am I ever going to know what it is to be loved

[triheartedhero]

That emotion when

The World doesn't want you

Even after you gave up everything you'd ever known