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Fireworks!

“Fireworks” is appropriate since the story I’m about to tell took place on New Years Eve. We all know that I have been struggling with the dating scene and that I pretty much gave up on that bullshit, but I want to remember this story. I want to remember it because I want to come back to this one day and say that I lived with a stranger for a couple of hours and I loved him before he left my sight. ( Let’s be clear that when I say I loved him, I loved him. His energy his personality and everything that makes him, him.) And honestly, I didn’t believe that any part of this story was actually possible.

Tinder

I have been on Tinder for way too fuckin long. It’s a gateway to life’s destruction to be completely honest but i took my part in it. Swipe left, Swipe Right, SUPER LIKE!!! Bullshit! But I would spend my time at work swiping left and right on people and reading minimal bios in the 500 characters that were allowed. I swiped right another time on a bio that read, “ be prepared to meet if we match.” Or something in that context, I’m sure there was more but I’ve since deleted tinder, again, so I cant go back and say for sure. Anyways.. I dont remembered who messaged who first, but we started chatting a little bit and then eventually we got off tinder and started texting each other. Again, I know I’m leaving out some details but I don’t remember the conversation we had on tinder or who gave their number first. I wasnt invested really. And seriously thats not important. You’ll see. We met on Tinder. The universe introduced us on Tinder.

Dodging Bullshit

Sometimes I think that I am so broken or so insecure that I’m genuinely not worth people’s time. And then there are other times where I am this powerful insatiable Queen and I believe that people aren’t worth my time. At this time I was conflicted with both. It was refreshing that he didnt like to text so much, so the brief couple of conversations we had after exchanging numbers was nice, but mentally, I wasnt sure if I wanted to be vulnerable or a total bitch. Look, I have a back story that I can tell one day, but just know that i have a reason for the way i am. People have thrown so much shit my way while dating and I have had enough free dinners and free drinks and free movies, that I have concluded that my time isn’t worth all that. I like to eat but I dont like to repeat myself.

“Hi, my name is Shawnta.”

“What do you do?”

“What are you looking for?”

“What’s your story?”

Who wants to answer those question 50 thousand times over and over again for different ignorant people? I need a fuckin drink please..

So when he asked to take me out before New Years, I was hesitant. Sick and hesitant. Details..

Planning

Initially we were suppose to go see a movie since apparently we both like movies. Now, that might sound common, but I love movies. Junkie... And with the admittance of him being able to shed a tear during a sad scene, I was able to accept that he might be just the junkie i needed when it came to a movie partner. We never went to the movies. Lol. Discussed it a little more, but nothing solid. I didn’t care.

Pause; If I’m coming off as if I’m lost, I was..

Do you meet people while you’re sick? It’s not like I didnt tell him. He said I had sars and still wanted to meet me. I procrastinated on plans so much and time was running out to the point that I really had to make a decision. By this time, in my head, I wanted to meet him, I just didnt want to be disappointed or be the disappointment. We finally planned to get together on New Years Eve around 7 because I did not want to stay out all night. 7 changed to 8, 8 changed to 9, and 9 changed to 9:30pm SHARP!! Some where between 7 and 8 is when the Universe decided to start making decisions for me, and make it very clear that I’m going out.

Have you ever felt a shift in your energy that was so noticeable and positive that you had no choice but to embrace it? That’s what I felt when that decision was made for me. I did my make up. I got dressed in this beautiful, shoulderless, shear, burgundy, full length dress. And wore heels, my favorite ones at that, and I walked out the house with more confidence than I’ve had all year.

Shady Lady / R15

Shady Lady requires collared shirts. He didnt wear one. We didnt go to Shady Lady as planned. We went to R15 which was at the other end of the block. Downtown, Sacramento has all these places that can bring you in and swallow you whole. I think R15 did that to us and the fact that the bartender made a really decent Manhattan for him and a heavy handed margarita for me. We sat at the bar and I was finally able to really look at this beautiful, 6 foot something, brown skinned man. He has the perfect eyebrows, seriously the perfect face and bone structure. But the most irresistible part of him is his eyes. His eyelashes are thick and full, and did I say perfect? He’s gorgeous. And then he spoke. I need you to understand that yes, we had previous conversations over the phone and his voice is captivating, but it’s a spell in person. He spoke and I listened to his tone. What the fuck! This man spoke to me and I felt the universe’s desired to take hold of this situation all over again. The power of attaction, as he says, was definitely present. The way he looked at me was indescribable. And I could be in my own head at this time, but he looked at me and called me beautiful. I’ve been called beautiful by a lot of men this past year and not once did I believe them. But when the words flowed off his lips, I tasted his truth. We were in this bar full of people, but a chill environment and music surrounded us, but it was just us. You can read that a million times in a million books and never understand it until it actually happens to you. It was loud, so I had to lean into him so that he could talk to me, and as I’m moving away to look at him again, we kissed. Did I go in to kiss him or was it the other way around? I’m not sure.. But it happen and the world tilted a little. His kiss was soft, he held my cheek and lead that kiss into another realm of pleasure. Heroin.. The most addictive drug known to man. His kiss instantly became my heroin, and it didnt go unnoticed by anyone.

Midnight

The countdown was coming. And we already kissed, so you’d think, what’s one more new years kiss right? You couldn’t be more wrong. I kissed him at 12am January 1, 2018, and I loved him in that moment. I loved the energy that he forced into my body through that kiss. Sleeping beauty would’ve woke up with that kiss, fuck Prince Charming, I had him.

Public

Throughout the night we talked and people watched a little. He had to go to the restroom and thats when it became obvious that we were being watched. This incredibly bubbly woman came up to me, and told me that she’s been wanting to come say something to me for a while. She told me that i was gorgeous and my idiot self asked her who she was talking to. One day ill learn to accept compliments without making a total ass of myself. Then she started to talk about me and him. This is when I knew i wasnt imagining what was happening.

“How long have you guys been together?”

“You guys look at each other so intensely.”

“I just had to come over and tell you how beautiful you guys are.”

She was as surprised as I was when I told her that this was our first date.

“DAMMNNN.”

By this time, he returned with a kiss. But so did his friends. This allowed us some time to become a little social. I introduced him to my bubbly new friend, and he introduced me to his friends that arrived. I excused myself to smoke a cigarette with miss bubbles and met her boyfriend. He was handsome too. Omg they are the cutest couple. Lumberjack meets tinkerbell. Lumberjack was trying to be kind and tried to introduce me to one of his friends.

“I don’t know if youre here with anyone, but if you are, my guy here is better than your guy,”

When I tell you that MY GUY had perfect timing. We were standing right outside the bar door when this was happening. I could see him through the closed door, and as lumberjack is talking I could see him making his way to me. He came out and i introduced lumberjack to my guy. He didn’t come out because he say us three talking, he came out to see if I was ok and give me a kiss. After the introduction he went right back in to his friends. When I went back into the bar, we socialized a little more and then the bar started to prepare to close. Time flew.

Goodbyes

He asked if i was ready to leave. Unfortunately I had no choice but to say yes. So he walked me to my car. As we were walking I asked him if he wanted to sit in my car while he waited for his Lyft or Uber, and then the words just slipped off of my lips.

“Do you want to come home with me?”

Ok Pause again...

The words slipped my lips but I meant them. I didn't want him to leave. I didnt want to drive home and not have him around me or next to me.

He got in the car and the goodbyes didnt happen.

Goodnight, Good morning

When we got into the house, I changed into what I regularly sleep in. Nothing sexy or remotely attractive. And he stripped down to his boxers or briefs. I wasnt paying attention. The alcohol kicked in for him and i was a little tipsy. Two too many Manhattans lol. I remember asking if he wanted a glass of water and getting it for him... So this is probably where you want to hear all the details on what happened. Sexually... I can’t. God, I want to say everything and be like, we had amazing sex and it lasted all night and blah blah blah.. No... That’s not what happened. Things happened that deserve gold metals, but whatever... I woke up at about 4 or 5 and I thought it was all some sick dream that I had. I went to the bathroom, not even looking at where he was laying. Coming out the bathroom, I saw him sleeping and my heart stopped for a second. It all hit me like lightning hitting a tree and leaving its beautiful artwork. This man chose to spend New Years with me. He is genuine, kind, honest and in my bed sleeping like that has been his side of the bed for years.

I wanted to climb in bed and hold him just so that when i fell back asleep, he wouldn’t disappear. I did, just for a moment though because I dint know if he liked to cuddle. I found out later that i totally could’ve lol.

8 o’clock... We were laying there, and we may not have been able to witness the fireworks the previous night, but we made our own that morning. What the fuck, I’m so cheesy.. This man is... Who is this man??

Have you heard of Malanda Jean-Claude? He’s my favorite writer, and his poetry will leave you completely lost in a forest of confusing, frustrating, necessary love.

I felt like he was writing our story.

This morning has an ending

So, he had to leave at some time. I mean come on now...

But that night was life awaking inside me. I have slept for so long and I didnt know I was ever going to wake up. And to top it off, I regret nothing. I know that I used some strong descriptions with this man, and I’m completely aware that i could be disappointed later, but maybe not. Who knows. Shit, it wasnt us that was making all that happen that night.

We talk everyday. Seriously, i told him that I’m obsessed with his voice. Fuck a text.

Point of the story is this. You can have plans for your life all you want.. You can fall apart and build yourself up again, and repeat this 100times before you die. But dont sleep through life. Embrace the good, accept the bad, learn, grow. And on top of all of that BE LOVED, BE BLESSED, cause your forehead is being kissed every night that you close your eyes to go to sleep. And you lips are being kissed every morning you open your eyes and take that breath.