truthfulrebellion-blog

[truthfulrebellion-blog]

Journey to Jesus

I’m on Facebook today and I see a post pop up from a page I liked a few months ago. The page is called The Dirty Christian. Anyone who knows me knows I love the raw truth. Unbiased, completely real, honest reality. I liked this page because of a few posts they made. I thought they were honest and real. Jokes on me after I read through the other posts for the first time. They are absolutely insane. Nothing more than a glorified fire and brimstone preacher from the 1800s. Preaching about how following goals and passions is a horrible teaching, that the Bible isn’t there for us it’s there for God, that God loves only God and not his children. Spewing more conservative misinformation. Don’t get me wrong. I am a staunch conservative. However, there is nothing I dislike more than rudeness and misinformation.

I am just utterly surprised. This page promises biblical conversation that isn’t sugarcoated. That doesn’t mean keep posted ignorant and horrible things, claiming they are the gospel. Anti-LBGT. Anti-women. This is not what Christianity is about. I’m not a perfect Christian, but I know what a bad Christian looks like. Since I can’t seem to find a good source to learn about the Bible and Jesus and God in a positive an honest light, I guess I will have to be my own source. It wont be easy. I have tried many times to connect with God. I can’t seem to follow through as it seems that every time I do try to connect, horrible things in my life start happening. When i was younger, i was a hardcore Christian. I loved church and youth group. I loved Jesus. But then things started to happen: severe alcoholism in my family. Rejected by the church. Brainwashed by another. Called an abomination. I was an atheist for a very long time because of this.

When I started to reconnect, more things started happening. My roommates began to steal from me. I had to move back home after being successful on my own. My relationship with my parents crumbled. My professional life crumbled. My car got repossessed. My bankruptcy got dismissed due to a clerical error. I lost several sales and clients. My replacement car needed thousands of dollars of work every time I brought it in. The new car I bought to replace that one turned out to need a $4000 part and is burning oil. I was late to an open house because my keys and phone got locked inside my car. My depression is constantly getting worse. I am afraid I will keep cycling back and forth from stable to broke.

How can this happen? How is it that when I stray from God, my life is simple and unbridled with unexpected unfortunate events...but when I try to connect with God, Murphy’s Law takes on full effect? I’m trying to build my life, here. I don’t have time to mess around with nonsense like my alarm not going off or my keys getting locked in my car. I guess I will find out. I’ll give it one last shot.

[truthfulrebellion-blog]

Jewel

I remembered what the second song was today. I’ve been watching the office, which always reminds me of me and her. This wedding episode comes on and during the show they start to play You Were Meant For Me by Jewel. That was the other song her mom played for me when she told me it reminded her of me and her daughter. This last week has been very emotional for me. It’s strange because I haven’t thought about this for quite a long time. I put my feelings aside and locked them up in a little box in my head. They’re too painful to deal with most of the time.

I spoke with her yesterday. I was talking about moving and she told me her and her fiancé are looking to move into their own place now. He’s got a new job and they’re excited. It crushed me. I don’t know what to do. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head. I wish I could see the future or get some kind of sign. But...I do think I am getting signs. Why did I start watching The Office again? I haven’t watched it in years. Then there is a scene with Michael Scott and Jim where Jim tells him about his feelings for Pam and he tells Jim that engaged isn’t married. He told Jim to never, ever give up. Then that song came on that mom played for me.

It’s just scary to think about uprooting my entire life and moving to a city I know nothing about for a girl I am not even sure thinks about me twice. How do I know I am making the right choice? To be honest, I want to wait to move until I’ve had my last surgery. I don’t want anything else getting in the way of the rest of my life. I was finally approved through my insurance for the surgery. It’s going to happen in the next twelve months. I’m calling on Monday to set up my consultation.

I know this all sounds crazy. If I were on the outside listening to myself talk about this, I would think I am crazy, too. It’s okay. I’ll find out soon if I really am or not.

[truthfulrebellion-blog]

Whiskey Lullaby

I am currently in Las Vegas for my cousins wedding. This will be wedding number 3 in the last 12 months. Each time I attend these, I realize just how numb I have become. I couldn’t figure out why for a long time. I am transitioning, I have an amazing career with unlimited potential, and I have four wonderful cats. But I just feel...empty. I never really notice until I attend weddings. Then I feel a surge of emotions. To better explain why, I will lay the foundation of my romantic past:

Thirteen years ago, I met a girl. We dated for nearly two years. She was the love of my life. We split up and didn’t speak for two years. When we finally started talking again, she had been in a relationship with someone else for almost a year. I was heartbroken. I loved her and thought about her every single day for that entire two years. I never imagined her with anyone else but me. It was a rough first year of friendship, but I realized that she was more important to me than my feelings. Once I let go of those, we moved on with our friendship. It has been 7 years now we have been best friends. I proceeded to get into a few very unhealthy relationships. She got pregnant and engaged to her boyfriend at the time. I was devastated. I was in a committed relationship with my girlfriend at the time, but no one ever measured up to my best friend. I eventually stopped dating in 2012 when my last relationship ended with my ex ghosting me two weeks before she moved 100 miles away. And any time I met anyone else, it didn’t feel right and nothing ever developed.

I am honestly attempting to move on and create a new life for myself. Find a new person who makes me feel loved and who I can love. Build my career. Achieve my dreams. I’m sitting in a coffee shop one night, it had been weeks since we had spoken. This wasn’t unusual considering she was busy with her fiancé and kid, and I was busy with my career. Out of the blue, she sends me a message telling me she thinks about me all the time and wanted to be with me. I was astounded. Where was this coming from? We spoke briefly about it and then that was that. This back and forth went on for several years. Nothing ever progressed. Though, one year when she asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told her I wanted a date with her and she happily agreed. We never did go on that date.

I remember I went to visit her in the spring. I have to pause for a moment here. A lot of emotion just rushed over me thinking about all of these memories. I had shut them out for so king because they are painful to think about. Moving on. I visited her in the spring. She had a few people over, and her mom was also there. I was sitting there observing everything. I was becoming more and more overwhelmed. She was sitting next to her fiancé on the couch, her friends were discussing them going away just the two of them, and I just got up and calmly left. I couldn’t handle it. It was too much for me. Her mother called me multiple times to figure out where I went. I finally answered the phone and she told me to meet her back at the apartments and we would go pick up dinner. In the car on the way to the restaurant, she asks me if I left because of her daughter and her fiancé. I admitted that I had. I had no idea how I was going to explain this when we got back. I couldn’t tell her I left because I couldn’t emotionally handle them being together.

Her mom turned to me and said that she knew I loved her daughter very much. She also went on to explain how nervous her daughter was that I was coming to see them. Worried about how she looked and what I would think. They had discussed a lot of things about me. She asked her if she loved me and she said that she thought she did. I’ll be honest, I cried a little bit. There is no one on this Earth that I love more than I love her. I’m sure this is a big mess trying to read. It is very hard to write about something this emotional. This is my soul mate and life has been keeping us apart. It’s very difficult. Much easier to just shut it all out and ignore it, consequence being a little numb to the rest of the enjoyment of the world. Later that night, her mom talks to me about how she knows we are right for each other and now isn’t the right time. She tells me every time she hears the song “Whiskey Lullaby”, she thinks of us. There was another song she mentioned, but I don’t remember it. Whiskey Lullaby definitely had the most impact in that conversation. The lyric “I’ll love her til I die” just really hit home for me.

It was then I realized that we love each other. But unfortunately, life had other plans for us for the moment. I never said anything to her about the conversations her mom and I had. I don’t know what conversations they had with each other after the fact. However, her and her fiancé ended up splitting up. Then her mother passed away a few months later, November of 2012. I couldn’t believe that this person, who I considered to be my mom, could be taken away from me so soon after we met for the first time. The one person who truly understood everything between her daughter and me. No one else really understands. Everyone thinks I’m crazy or delusional. Her mom never did. And she knew her daughter felt the same way about me. I moved down there after mom passed away. It turned out that she has gotten back together with her fiancé after mom passed away. It was an interesting few weeks. After a while, I moved back home because it just wasn’t my place to be there anymore.

They split up again. She had finally moved on and realized she would be happier without him and that would be better for their kid. But then her dad also passed away. As a result, she had to move in with her ex. His grandparents only approved it if they thought they were engaged. I don’t really know if they’re really together or not. I don’t know. She never talks about it. One time I asked her if she loves me, and she said she can’t really think about it right now because of where she is in her life. I can understand that. She can’t think about it. If she thinks about it, it becomes real. If it becomes real, she can’t keep going about her life with him and his family. If that happens, she has no place to live. It’s unfair. So she shuts it away just like I do. For me, it comes back out around weddings.

I always come back to her. Every time. I am numb so long throughout the day, I’m just on autopilot. I don’t want to date anyone. I don’t want to be with anyone. I don’t enjoy things as much as I should. I’m not as motivated. When I go to weddings, my heart opens and I realize the reason I’m so numb is because being in love with her is so intense that it crumbles the world around me and shuts me down. Because we can’t be together. So I lock it away for the next time. I don’t know if I am crazy or delusional. Maybe she only felt this way for a short period of time and no longer feels that way, but doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. This is what I know. I don’t want to be 50 years old looking back on my life regretting not having fought for her. I don’t want to be on my death bed having missed a chance to spend my life with my soul mate because I was unsure of how she felt. So, I’ve made a decision. I want to move to her town and fight for her. I have to trust that my gut and my heart are steering me right.

It sure would help to have a sign, though. I wish her mom could just reach me and give me a sign about what the right thing is. Anyway. This is a crazy and confusing mess. I apologize. TL;DR. This is fine. I just needed an outlet.

[truthfulrebellion-blog]

Hysterectomy

Let’s call it what it is. No pussy footing around it. A necessary evil on the way to the end game: phalloplasty. I had been waiting almost six months to hear back about my approval for phalloplasty. I currently have health insurance through Kaiser Permanente, and they had a laundry list of things for me to do in order to present my file to the medical board. I had to transfer my files over from the organization I was seeking healthcare through, as it was cheaper than paying out of pocket for an endocrinologist, to Kaiser. I also had to obtain letters from two medical professionals confirming my need for bottom surgery. The whole process took nearly a year and several trips to medical facilities nearly thirty miles away from my home. My case manager finally called and said in order for the final review to occur, I had to get a hysterectomy.

At the time, I thought that was done by the surgeon performing the phalloplasty at the time of the phalloplasty. With Kaiser, that is not the case. They want anything and everything they have the capability of doing done within their facility. Likely to keep costs down. I didn’t mind. My hysterectomy was scheduled for December 15th, 2018. I had to get blood tests done and watch several videos that didn’t pertain to my situation regarding the procedure. The videos are, obviously, geared towards women. I did what I needed to do and prepared myself for the surgery date. I got a call to move my surgery up about 10 days, even better. Then not 24 hours before the surgery, I received a call stating that it was being delayed for a week. My new date was the 11th. This was terribly inconvenient as my care giver for after my surgery had already taken off work for the original surgery date.

I walked into the facility to check in about an hour early. I had yet another interesting surprise. The surgery was going to cost me money. $475, or close to it. Luckily, I had the money. I was very upset that I wasn’t told about this ahead of time, however. I am paying for the most expensive coverage this company offers so I had as little to pay out of pocket as possible. In the grand scheme of things, $475 is better than $10k. It still would have been nice to know before I showed up. If you have Kaiser, please make sure you know exactly what the costs are before you walk in the door.

I got checked in. I had to remove all of my clothing, put on a hospital gown & surgery cap, and take one final per break. I also forgot to mention I had to stop eating at midnight the day of and wipe my body down with these pre-surgery wipes. I was hungry and my skin smelled weird. They hooked up my IV, fed me my “lunch”, and several doctors came in to ask me questions and verify information. My surgery was supposed to occur at 3pm, but was delayed until closer to 5/530. My surgeon came in to make sure I knew what was about to take place. He also talked to me about a surgeon for bottom surgery in Arizona or New Mexico he was going to refer me to. He had given me the name in our prior consultation. When I looked that surgeon up, I was horrified. The man was fired from the California region Kaiser Permanente for botching transwomens vaginoplasties. The guy didn’t even specialize in phalloplasty. I expressed these concerns to him and told him it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to partner with him for any trans surgeries. Hopefully he heeds my advice. He confirmed that after the surgery, he would stick to the decision to refer me to Dr. Jens Berli of Portland, OR.

I knew nothing of Dr. Berli. There are no results to been seen online, barely anyone who has undergone his procedure even talks about their results, and I couldn’t find any other information besides his starting point in Maryland. I found his Facebook page and did some pretty intense research on him. He seems to genuinely care about his patients and has a passion for what he does. His only negative review is from someone who never had surgery with him because of a communication issue with his staff. Everyone else gave him five stars. So, I figured why the hell not. Hopefully my progress will help others who may be going to Dr. Berli for their phalloplasty be more comfortable with moving forward with him or the surgery itself. I am flying as blind in this moment as some of those who might read this in the future might feel. Trust me. I feel your pain.

I finally went in for my surgery. This time I wasn’t put under until I was on the surgery table. For my top surgery, I was out before I turned the corner on the way to the operating room. The next thing I remember is waking up several hours later and in pain. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was very disoriented. I’m not surprised considering I was on anesthesia. Apparently I wasn’t breathing enough either since my O2 alarm kept going off. I had to stay for an extra hour until I could get my breathing going regularly. Which is hard because I believe I have sleep apnea, and when I sleep I breathe much slower than I do when I’m awake. So I would fall back asleep, stop breathing, and be woken up by the nurses to get me to breathe. I didn’t feel any different than I usually do. I was actually quite comfy. But I’m sure it was uncomfortable for others around me to see me breathe 1-2 times a minute while asleep.

I was in so much pain. The pain meds hadn’t kicked in yet. I had had a total hysterectomy, oophorectomy, and partial vaginectomy. Let me tell you. When your genitals are covered in stitches, sitting fucking hurts. I couldn’t get comfortable. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Lord, that was an adventure in of itself. Once I was done, I had to have the nurse help me pull my maternity disposable underwear and extra absorbent pad on. And to help me get dressed. The was a humbling experience. But those disposable underwear are comfortable AF. I wish I had had more of them. I was only sent home with the 1 extra pair. After I got dressed, they sent my care giver to get the car. They sat me in a wheel chair and wheeled me to the pick up area. Wheel chairs are super uncomfortable. I begged the nurse to let me sit on the plushy waiting area seat, but she told me no. I couldn’t wait to get out of that chair. It hurt so bad.

I’ll spare additional details about the trip home. I was basically in pain in the seat, it took over an hour to get home, and I got right in the couch seat I’d be in for the next week and fell asleep. I had to wake up every 1-2 hours to pee and every 4 hours to take my pain meds. Compared to my chest surgery, the pain of the hysterectomy actually wasn’t too bad. I barely needed any medicine. The worst pain came when I peed. It burned like the surface of the sun, and I could barely get the urine out. This lasted for about 2-3 days. I was bleeding pretty regularly for 1-2 weeks and spotting until the 6th week. I had horrible colored discharge the entire recovery. I actually had to go get adult diapers when my last pair of those comfy underwear got worn out. I couldn’t find any of those huge puffy pads or anything without adhesive.

I think the worst part was not being able to poop. I could feel the poop in my back. I really could. But I could not get my bowels to work. Apparently, this is normal. I ended up pooping on day 5. Best advice? Take stool softeners religiously. I would go so far as to say take a laxative on day 3 or 4 because that poop is going to be quite solid. TMI alert, my first poop after surgery tore a little bit of the inside. Like a hemorrhoid. I’m getting into these details because I wish I had had them. It’s not rainbows and butterflies. It’s bleeding and inability to poop. I also could barely sleep as I had to sleep on my back, and I can’t sleep on my back. I get so unfortable. By day 3 I was sleeping on my side on the other couch. I’m also a bigger guy, so I had to hold my stomach when I got up since there was a lot of pain from my belly hanging. I’m not 300+ pounds or anything, but I do have a beer belly. If you are the same, just be prepared for tummy pain when getting up.

I slept on the couch for 3 weeks. It was so much more comfortable than my bed. And it was easy access to everything. I am almost 8 weeks post op and still get tummy pain. But for the most part, pain and blood free. I do still have discharge coming out. I’ll probably continue to wear the diapers until I run out just in case. I had already ruined a pair of pants when I thought the discharge was done. But after about 7-10 days, I was walking around and driving and doing what I needed to do. It was uncomfortable to sit and bend over, so my roommate had to help with a lot of things. My final observation is to leave the scabs alone. I accidentally picked at my belly scab and one of the dissolvable stitches came loose from my incision. I had that stitch hanging out for at least 2 weeks until it finally dissolved at the base and popped off. My scars look great and my hair has finally grown back on my stomach.

I’m doing all of this well after my surgery, so I am sure I have missed a thing or two. If you have any questions, please give me a comment or a message. I will answer anything.