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[truths-of-an-earth-canary]

Overthinking, curse, or survival?

I've been thinking (hahaha maybe i need a new intro) about my overthinking. Man I'm exhausted already just typing that.

But I've been trying to work out what the purpose of it is, as there is meant to be a point to everything.

So, when my brain goes haywire, and i get worked up about stuff, what am i worried about, at the real root cause? Why am i reacting this way, and what has caused it?

It is always a situation i find stressful, often due to a trauma or bad experience, and something has caused me to remember that trauma or bad experience, and the survivalist part of me that wants to be safe and alive, wants to avoid those bad experiences.

Because my questions are always, why did this happen, what can i do to make it better/stop it happening again?

So, perhaps this overthinking thing is really just that survival instinct we all have, but on hyperdrive in some of us?

Im learning it's about changing your relationship with yourself and your brain. Im trying to find ways to accept it and love it, instead of hating it and seeing it as my enemy. And making it work for me instead of against me

[truths-of-an-earth-canary]

BLAME.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately.

It is a rejection. Of responsibility, of self, of others, of love, of growth.

Sometimes it's intentional, a defense mechanism for those never taught how to take that responsibility for themselves, sometimes it's unintentionally used for the same reasons.

And it is so often taught to our children, by seeing it in their parents, by having it used against them.

My mother is a blamer. I have always been highly sensitive, and empathetic, so she worked out very early on guilt was a great way to control me. So if i did anything she didnt want me to, for whatever reason, instead of teaching me a better way, she just made me terrible and awful about whatever i had done so i wouldn't do it again.

Anything around me that went wrong, mum made me feel it was my fault. If she changed her mind about something, it became my fault. I was in the wrong and made to feel like shit.

What all the blame and emotional manipulation did to me growing up, has made my life so hard.

I became conditioned to take the blame for everything. To not only take it, but to feel it was my fault, feel shame and dread for this thing i did not even do.

And it goes further. Because this was so constantly reinforced to me growing up (my mother has never behaved any other way) i never had a chance to learn to stand up for myself, to be able to say NO. To be able to have boundaries.

To even have peace of mind in my decisions i make for me, because i was trained from my earliest memories to not talk back, to just accept whatever adults said to me, that if an adult said something was my fault it was, and i was in so much trouble. That i shouldn't upset people. That they don't care about me, no one cares if im having a bad day, no one wants to help me, so just keep a smile on my face and say im fine.

When you learn as a child that everything you do is wrong, nothing is ever good enough no matter how much you try, that if you say something and someone doesn't like it, that you will be made to feel so worthless when mum gets you alone, when you're told that no one cares or wants to help you, you learn many lessons very quickly to try and protect yourself.

First you learn the lessons you are taught above, because to fight is to be flayed with words and tone of voice until you feel ashamed to exist.

Then you learn other things. How to not show how much emotional pain you are in, how to make a blank mask of your face. You withdraw from people and social interactions because they cause so much stress. Always worrying about what if you say the wrong thing? What if you use the wrong tone? What if someone gets upset because of something you say? It will be your fault, you will have ruined it, as you always do.

You learn not to do anything, because you will do it wrong and get in trouble.

You become a peace keeper. Avoid confrontation at all costs.

A justifier. Because everything you do is wrong, you have to explain what you did/what you were thinking. You feel you always have to justify your thought/action.

You learn to ask people how they want everything done because you are so terrified of the consequences of getting it wrong and them not being happy.

You learn to hate yourself, because you can't do anything right, and you want to stand up for yourself (and people even tell you to, why on earth don't you for fucks sake? You're such a pushover) that you hate yourself for being unable to stand up for yourself, for being unable to stop the voice in your head telling you everything is your fault, never realising it was never your fault, and you were never taught to stand up for yourself.

Breaking out of this mental conditioning is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life, and the most terrifying.

It's so strong i get really bad anxiety any time i try stand up for myself. Even just thinking about it, i get stressed, my heartrate goes through the roof, i start shaking, and frequently end up crying. If i do try and speak what i want to say i often can't physically get the words out, that conditioned block is so strong.

Something as small as saying 'no I don't want to lend you my (insert whatever they want to borrow here)

But i am determined to learn to do it. My mother failed to teach me, so I'm going to have to learn this on my own.

And this is where this blog is really helping, because i use it as a focus. When my brain starts stressing out about something i try think about this, and how can i use this experience, and write about it, to try and communicate what is going on in my head, and also in the hope maybe one day it will help someone else find the words they are struggling to find to explain/deal with something.

As it's very difficult to think about or explain something if you don't know how to put it into words in a way that makes sense, because so much of what causes the crippling anxiety is the emotional side of it. It's not just words in your head, those words are attached to feelings of shame and grief and loneliness, unworthiness, hate for yourself, revulsion ect. How do you explain the emotional hurricane rampaging uncontrollably in your head? When each word and thought can trigger a new one, and they are all storming at once?

It's simple really. You can't.

All i can try do is paint pictures with words to maybe let people catch a glimpse of what it can be be like.

[truths-of-an-earth-canary]

Interactions and relationships;

I have been thinking a lot the last few months about how we as humans interact with each other, and how that has changed over time.

Both from a media and mass society perspective, but also on a more intimate level of family, close friends ect.

We live together, we coexist, help each other out, love, live, work, dream, but do we really connect?

We don't seem to very much at all anymore.

How many of you can say you can sit down and talk, really talk, about anything, even personal issues, with someone in your life, and feel completely safe and comfortable doing so?

Our social interactions have become very selfish on the whole.

We are not taught as adults(often even as children) that it is safe to discuss deep issues . We don't know how to talk about them, we don't know how to listen to another person. Not as we need to to really HEAR them, not just see what is on the surface.

Why is it that its commonly recognized that children need love, and hugs and understanding, yet the same is not applied to adults?

All of a sudden theres this invisible age growing up where all that support just dies off, cuz you're now all of a sudden old enuf to not need any of this love?

Does anyone else see how wrong this is?

Why is it only children need love? Why when you're an adult are you not deserving of it anymore?

This is an issue i am really struggling with right now, as i have always been aware that i will always need love, and hugs from those i care about.

So why does society make me feel like the bad guy? Why does everyone tell me 'but youre not a baby, you shouldn't need it'

What are we doing to our children? Providing this love and support, then all of a sudden it is removed because they should be old enuf to not need it anymore?

Fuck that. Absolutely fuck that. Everyone needs love. Always. Everyone deserves love. Always.

And everyone deserves to feel loved.

Love; not just for kids, it's for everyone.

Look (really, really look) at the way we raise our children and you will understand why our society has so many problems.

[truths-of-an-earth-canary]

For those of you that do not understand what this is like, you are so blessed to have peace in your head.

Let me try to explain what it is like.

For as long as i can remember i have had a voice in my head when i think. I found out at some point it is called an inner monologue and not everyone has one. It's something your brain either does, or does not.

This means that i have a little voice in my head that chats away all day, and never shuts up. It repeats everything that is said, everything i think, or see, or hear.

Sometimes this is great. It can be really great for describing things, or thinking over plans, ideas, goals, challenges ect.

It also can be a real bitch when it's coupled with things like anxiety and depression.

At times i liken it to a black hole inside my head. Theres this empty sucking pit that drains out every good thought and feeling, and only leaves the bad stuff. Actually its like having my own personal Dementor inside my head.

I start remembering every bad decision i made, every choice i regret, everything that caused me trauma, or pain, and my brain replays it over and over and over and over and over again.

It repeats to me every awful thing people have said to me, and it tells it to me again and again and again, it comes up with reasons why they would do this, and the reasons are always my fault, and it tells them to me again and again, makes me feel so awful over and over, until i believe it, until i think it must be so, or why would they say this? Of course they say this. Why wouldn't they?

I can't see all the things that make me so amazing, I can't even stop my brain from making me feel worse and worse.

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want my brain to think like this.

I hate it. Inside i am screaming, pleading, why won't it stop? Why does my brain do this to me?

I frequently end up in tears, or just shut down emotionally, because how can you deal with such a hell inside your head that won't stop?

Perhaps you try reaching out to others. Everyone always says to ask for help, ask to talk to a friend.

So you do. You gather your courage (because this whole time your brain has been telling you that no one wants to hear your bad shit, cuz who would? It's depressing as hell, but you are so tired of being strong, so tired of constantly fighting a war in your own head just to have your own thoughts, that you need a moment where someone says, "It's okay, you can take a break. I am here with you. Rest a while."

Because you need that more than anything right now, as you are so close to breaking.

And the person you trust with your weakness turns you away. Perhaps they cut you out. Never talk to you again. Perhaps they tell you "Why should i help you? If you can't be strong for yourself, why should anyone else? Im not interested in spending time with you if you're not happy"

Perhaps they simply tell you to get over it, or stop over thinking things, or that you are being too sensitive, and need to loosen up, or you're being stupid, or over reacting.

Im sure these people have their reasons, biggest is they probably didn't understand, and didn't know how to be there.

But it makes it so hard, because these rejections hurt so much. And that little voice in the black hole remembers every detail of that rejection, and will reply it again and again and again, and amplify how much it hurt.

It will remind you of this every time you think about asking for help again, until it's easier, and hurts far less to keep it to yourself, and try and cover the cracks that keep getting bigger under the constant, never ending strain.

And then to make it worse, people are always saying, "Why didn't they talk to someone?" When someone attempts, or successfully commits suicide.

I guarantee they will have tried to talk to someone. It likely will have been a family member, a close friend, often a lifelong, or childhood friend. Someone that could be reasonably expected to be knowing and understanding.

Because these are the people in my life i turned to when shit got bad. It got real bad. Not going into why in this post, but i reached out to a few people when i hit my rock bottom. The rejection examples i used above? They were just two of the rejections i got, and they were from childhood friends i grew up with, and had remained friends with until that point.

Some of the others came from family, some from my own mother.

I got so depressed, and didn't feel safe turning to anyone, that i seriously considered suicide.

I didn't. To this day im still not sure how i got through it.

I know i shut down completely. For several years i was numb emotionally. I felt nothing. Not joy, not rage, not excitement. I existed.

But i kept going. And one day i smiled and i actually felt something.

This voice is my best friend and greatest enemy.

I am working on finding ways to manage the black hole days, finding ways to put into words the screaming chaos that is inside my head.

As its so simple to say "Talk about it" but it's actually so hard to find the words to even begin to convey any idea of the sort of hell that can be inflicted by your own brain.

"Talking about mental health" is not the solution. We need to LISTEN.