truthschukk

[truthschukk]

Reblog if you can grab the fat on your stomach.

[truthschukk]

5.

It haunts me.

Lately I´m seeing creatures from the corners of my eyes. I´m afraid to be alone. The creatures I see are not un-human, but not normal either. Mostly times it is just a normal animal, which is why they don´t appear weird to other people. However, their eyes are hollow. They stare at me, they are waiting. For what, I don´t know for sure. My favourite is ice, a kind of ice bear with whom I talk at night, to keep the bear, and me, distracted by my voice. Of course weird, this all, and sure not healthy, but what does this have to with my list of reasons to die? Well, let me explain: These creatures are harmless, they are just constantly watching me and waiting for something. And somewhere in the back of my head I already know what they want. They wait for me to do it. They stay with me, till it has come to the point. They come closer when I´m alone, have suicidal thoughts again or have chances of committing suicide. I know this is all in my head, which is why it get´s me worried. Part of me, myself, is trying to convince me to quit. 

My mind is haunting me.

[truthschukk]

4.

He only cares when it is too late and might affect him.

I´ve been hinting my boyfriend a few times now, that I might be thinking about suicide and that is really not that kind of a big step for me to just commit it. I really can not care less about what I could possibly lose, since al I want is just to leave. However, every time I mention suicide, he just tells me I should not, and that if I will, he won´t forgive himself. He knows I´m serious. Yet, he doesn´t seem to bother about the reasons why I want to go. He doesn´t bother of helping me. Why are all people like that? They all tell me I shouldn´t commit suicide, but can´t give me a single reason why not.

[truthschukk]

3.

They don´t even notice what´s going on.

This morning I had a row with my dad. We ended up yelling and throwing stuff at each other, and I decided to just grab my bag and walk to the bus already. During that walk, I overthought everything I did wrong in his, and everybody else´s, eyes. I broke up in tears and managed to control myself before I reached the station. 2 minutes later the bus came and I got in. Nothing wrong. However I could not stop tears coming out of my eyes, was afraid of gaining attention by rubbing my eyes constantly, decided to just let the tears be and faced the window so that nobody could see my face clearly. When we reached the main station, my best friend stood there, gave me some short eye-contact and then ignored me. A little bit further, another friend of me came to sit next to me. We talked a little, but she didn´t seem to notice I didn´t talk at all because I didn´t trust my voice. When we finally reached school, I had calmed down a little and rushed over to the toilets. I quickly brushed my hair and then noticed it: My mascara was dried up all over my face, meaning it had been there for a while already. Meaning, that everybody, and especially my friends, could have noticed I was crying, but simply didn´t bother about it. 

[truthschukk]

2.

I am not the only one.

All of my brothers have told me at least once, they wanted the same as me on this moment. They have all had that look in their eyes, which showed me the hate, disgust and pain they feel towards me. And of coarse I know that that is just something siblings do, but it are not only my brothers. Best friends I have left behind in my motherland told me the same. Strangers knew in five minutes I was not even worth this. They all say it. “Why don´t you just die?”  

[truthschukk]

1.

Honestly I find it sad. 

My parents only bother to see me when I have to work, my best friends didn´t notice I was offline for 2 months before and live in another country, the friend next door would need till monday before he even thinks about me and my brother would have to hear it from my parents before he´d ever figure out. If I decided to throw myself out of the window right now, my body would be laying there for at least a full 24 hours before anybody around me would notice.