tryingforourrainbow - Tumblr blog

[tryingforourrainbow]

It’s been awhile.

I haven’t been good.

Still not pregnant.

But an ex friend is.

I don’t know why I creeped.

I don’t know why I care.

But fuck it hurts.

[tryingforourrainbow]

make me choose: @kill-to-kiss asked CAROL DANVERS or VALKYRIE

[tryingforourrainbow]

I ended up ordering pre seed and preg prep. Last month was a flop. I was in such a bad mental state I didn’t even want to be touched let along think about trying for a baby. So far this month has been better.

Maybe I’ll be apart of the corona baby boom 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

[tryingforourrainbow]

One of my best friends just told me she’s pregnant. She’s the one who went through her miscarriage at the same time as me.

I’m SO HAPPY FOR HER.

But fuck, if I’m not upset as hell at the same time.

Doesn’t help i hate myself so much right now i want literally nothing to do with the act to even conceive 😭

[tryingforourrainbow]

Snapchat memories ripped my heart out this morning.

A year ago today I found out I was pregnant.

Which means in 4 weeks, It’ll be a year since I lost my baby.

[tryingforourrainbow]

Trying to sort through some feelings today.

I haven’t started any fertility treatments at all. I was planning to this year.

Told my husband I was thinking about talking to the doctor after my next period to see our options and he told me he wants to wait till the cycle after. Which, with how long mine are would put that appointment in April.

I don’t understand why he wants to wait and it’s hurting me right now. I’m probably reading too much into this but I’m trying to think of a way to bring this up without making it into a confrontation like I have a tendency to do when I’m hurt.

I just want to start the process already.

I don’t have much hope anymore. At least, not right now.

[tryingforourrainbow]

It’s a girl!...I hope...

No, I’m not pregnant. As much as I wish I was. My husband and I have been talking lately about what we’d have if we got to pick. A boy or a girl. I always felt like I’d rather have a boy. My husband finally told me he always saw himself having a little girl.

Now all I can imagine is him walking around with a little girl, his dark hair, my blue eyes, completely wrapped around her finger.

[tryingforourrainbow]

Names

I swear. I shouldn’t get upset about this.

Most of the people i don’t even talk to.

But I swear.

Everyone who is having a little girl, is naming that little girl the exact same name I want to name a little girl if I ever have one.

It’s like the universe is mocking me.

Everyone else gets their little E, but I do not.

[tryingforourrainbow]

Today was slightly emotional. Back when I had my miscarriage another friend of mine was finding out she was pregnant. Unfortunately, a month later at almost the exact same week as me she had a miscarriage. Her and I have been each other’s shoulders to lean on during this entire year.

This afternoon I received a package, not knowing who it was from until i opened it and saw this gorgeous ornament. The text is “I carried you every second of your life, and I’ll love you for every second of mine”. I blacked out the Baby (last name) 2019 because as I stated previously i would like to remain for the most part anonymous.

Right after I opened it I started crying. I immediately sent her a text thanking her for such a sweet gift. I wish I had done something for her as well.

My husband and I have started trying again. We’re hoping this is going to be a good month. This is the last we’ll try without anything, then next month I’m going to start using ovulation testers and if that doesn’t work by May we’ll be going into my OB to talk to them about alternatives. Come August 2020 it’ll be three years since we’ve been trying.

[tryingforourrainbow]

Hello!

To everyone who may stumble upon this little blog, Welcome! I’m sorry I’m advance. I’m honestly making this page to vent frustrations on trying to conceive a baby. High school really paints you an incorrect picture don’t they?

“Have sex once and you’ll get pregnant and die”

Yeah, certainly not the case for myself.

I’m probably not going to reveal myself or my husband in this post. This is my anonymous way of venting and not hurting those around me who have gotten the joy of bringing a son or daughter into the world.

My husband and I have been trying for about 2 1/2 years. We were successful in February of 2019. We found out I was pregnant with a faintly positive test the morning of Presidents’ Day, and confirmed with a digital test that night. I set my first appointment for March. About 4 weeks away since I found I was pregnant before my missed period. We were ecstatic! We even said we had a good feeling about that month.

Come about 2 weeks later I have some bleeding. I tried not to stress, but obviously still called my Doctor. They had me come in for an ultrasound. They found the gestational sack, told me to take it easy and sent me on my way. I was supposed to tell my in laws that weekend, but I decided against it. I was too worried.

Monday rolls around, I’m at work and having even more bleeding but associated with pain that had me doubled over. I go into my bosses office crying. I blindsided her, telling her I’m pregnant and that I think I was having a miscarriage. I told my husband and my mom that I was headed to the OBs office that minute. My husband couldn’t get out of work. My mom didn’t get there until after they told me they couldn’t find the gestational sack anymore.

I was devestated. I texted my boss, told her I wasn’t coming back that day. If I remember correctly I sat in my bathtub for four hours that day. Just completely worn out from crying and numb.

I understand, I wasn’t even 8 weeks along yet. I was only 7 weeks tops. I shouldn’t have been THAT upset. But I was. And still am every once in awhile.

From the moment I saw that positive on the pregnancy test I was making plans. How/when to tell everyone, my husband and I were currently planning to buy a house and it jump started that process since we lived in a one bedroom house at the time. Calculated what my due date would have been (around October 25th, 2019), what names we had picked out. I even started and amazon list of essentials.

All of that time spent. Wasted.

When I found out I miscarried I poured myself into buying a house. Decided the universe was telling us we needed a bigger house first. It was a 4 month process to buy our house, but were in it and I absolutely love it. We’re so close to everything. The school district we wanted, our parents, our siblings, both our jobs. It was perfect and we got an amazing deal on it.

But after buying and moving in June, it’s now November. I should be sleep deprived from getting a 2 week old baby on a regular schedule. I should be falling in love with my husband all over again watching him take care of our child. We don’t even know if it would have been a boy or girl.

Instead, I’m watching the people I would have shared a pregnancy journey with give birth to their babies, posting the first weeks milestones, or watching Facebook for multiple pregnancy announcements. Including a best friend, who struggled for multiple years and is now pregnant with her 2nd. Don’t even feel like I can talk to her about this, and I certainly don’t want to tell her how sad I feel each bump picture she posts. I’m so excited for her, but man. I was really hoping to have kids around the same time as her so they could grow up together. Or have my baby grow up with my nephew, their cousin.

But right now, that’s not happening. So instead, I’m going to document my journey and hope it comes to a positive end.