tryingnottofallapart

[tryingnottofallapart]

7.3.24

Hi again. I'm trying to make a better practice of writing things out as they happen. I had therapy today, which marks my third official session in private practice. It's been great, and I'm vibing with my therapist. Although there are times when I think it's a waste of time, I'm realizing that it's healthy to talk about where I'm at and to have someone focused on helping me figure things out.

Today, I talked about how I feel torn between counseling others and trying to find middle ground. I'm at a point where I need to choose to be selfish (i.e., put my needs first) or keep everyone happy. This is hard because I'm used to keeping everything in alignment, often at the grace of others and at the cost of myself. It's a mindset shift to put myself first, to inform rather than ask for permission, and to reshuffle my priorities.

At 25, I feel like so much is happening in my life right now. I'm feeling the strain of shifting friendships, leaning more into my queerness and finding a supportive community, navigating queer relationships and non-monogamy, dealing with coming out to my family, living on my own, and even managing the demands of a doctoral program. And let's not even get started on engaging in a leadership position at work. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not doing it right, but I need to focus on applauding myself for showing up and doing my best every day.

Where we left off was discussing how my best friend is the perfect model of a secure base. With them, I don't feel defensive or judged. They see me for who I am and don't try to impose their point of view on me. This is so refreshing because I feel like I walk on eggshells in so many other areas of my life. She mentioned how she feels that Jacob also reflects this dynamic. He challenges the way I've observed and come to expect love. I usually brace for impact, feel forced to mind-read and perform, but with him, we have open communication and no judgment. We openly express what's going on rather than trying to decipher each other's thoughts.

I guess my fear is more that I will ruin the dynamic, that he is no longer interested in me, overreading messages, ebbing back and forth from wanting for him to reassure me and keep a buffer and try to protect myself... but that's for another week.

[tryingnottofallapart]

July 1, 2024

Hey, I'm writing here to sort through my thoughts and figure out how to move forward. One thing I've noticed in this new relationship with Jacob is that I feel a strong internal need for independence, while at the same time, my submissive side (yes, you heard that right, hehe) urges me to attend to his every need. He enjoys it when I embrace that side of myself, and honestly, so do I. However, something I realized this weekend is that I can be quite bratty. In other words, I enjoy teasing, poking fun, and provoking a reaction to see someone else's dominant side. I've noticed I do this naturally with friends and even my sister, especially when I feel comfortable around them. I'm sassy, I like to challenge people, and I find the internal clash (yes, I'm coining that term) rather amusing.

Anyway, on Saturday during our camping trip, I sensed that Jacob's energy levels were off. When we went to the tent together after the day, I asked him outright if everything was alright. He told me he was feeling overwhelmed and struggled to express when he wanted me to stop, especially in public or with loved ones around. I reassured him that I never intended to make him uncomfortable, and he admitted that he's not yet fully comfortable vocalizing certain boundaries, especially since he's new to navigating the dynamics of taming a brat as a dom. We both agreed that my personality can be intense at times, and while he enjoys it in moderation, he finds continuous physical teasing (like light pinching or poking) and ongoing brattiness tiring. I think he got emotional when I assured him that my perception of him hadn't changed at all; he was afraid that expressing his needs and anxieties might alter our dynamic.

The next day, I found myself overthinking things a bit, but I eventually realized that this is a normal part of being in a relationship—learning about each other's personalities, quirks, and finding common ground. Jacob mentioned that he had discussed me with his mom and appreciated how openly we communicate about everything. When I asked him if everything was okay, he said it was, and that he would let me know if it wasn't.

Today, I briefly continued our discussion during the car ride. Jacob mentioned he didn't have anything new to add, but I sought more clarity, expressing my intention to recalibrate how I interact (essentially, keeping myself in check). He reiterated that he's still figuring out the boundaries of our banter and emphasized that he values me as I am—he doesn't want me to change. We agreed to revisit this topic as necessary.

Overall, I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing all of this out here—perhaps to clear my head? Initially, I worried this might be the reason he'd distance himself from me. However, what meant a lot to me the following morning was his comment about enjoying our late-night conversation and feeling more connected to me. He also mentioned that, despite our bickering and banter, he enjoyed every part of the day. He appreciated me taking his feedback seriously, and I like that, because I really do want to become someone who he can trust and respect.

Though I'm still a bit anxious, I recognize this feeling is normal when receiving direct feedback on one's own behavior (critique sometime stings). I hope to find a clearer and more enjoyable middle ground where I can respect his need for a calm and collected partner, while also embracing the unpredictable moments when my bratty side emerges.

Life right? LOL

[tryingnottofallapart]

June 18, 2024 (pt 2)

So in late summer and early fall I became friends with Shane, which is awesome because he did introduce me to a lot of people that I probably wouldn't have on my own. I've begun to see some things about him that I don't necessarily like (i.e., lack of boundaries), but he is a good person and I do appreciate him somewhat.

Flashback to the summer, besides the heartbreak and being a dumbass by following up with someone who was obviously not interested in me, I was promoted at work from Student Services Specialist to Assistant Director (which is the role I am still in today). My supervisor left cold turkey right before commencement in May of last year and left me alone to deal with his job and my own. Very stressful time in my life, I was like what the heck am I doing. But, I applied for his job and after a thousand follow up interviews, and moving to the "next round", I was given the role. It was a nerve-racking time, because I was trying to gun for this new role while doing two jobs on my own. But, after fighting for it, I got it.

Shortly after that time in my life, my sister and I realized we didn't want to live in Sunnyvale. And then we had to figure out where to live. We were cutting it so close, like our lease was up in September and we were still unsure of where to live. But, somehow we got approved for a place in Redwood City. So, we moved there!

I think this might need a part three.

[tryingnottofallapart]

June 18, 2024 (pt 1)

Well, well, well. I have been gone for more than a year on this page. I started reading some of my past entries, and there have been a whirlwind of changes. I don't even know how–or where–to begin.

Let me see. The last entry I posted here was on April 24th of last year (2023) and I think I was already seeing the beginning of the end with Beau, who really messed me up. They dangled this exclusivity or romantic connection above me, but it never materialized to anything. While he was alright moving on, I was left in a sort of whiplash. I really thought it would work. I had changed some of my older habits. But, in honesty and looking back, I was just hiding under the guise of the "agreeable" yet secretly anxious partner. This person came back to haunt me recently, which I will get to later. Let's just say, I ran into him publicly and the tears just started rolling.

After April, I kind of stopped dating. Well, I thought I did. But then a few weeks after the breakup (or whatever you call that) I ran into this older guy at Splash. Totally unexpected, a super sweet guy. He was the polar opposite of Beau, emotionally available, communicative, I really thought I had lucked out. But then the more I saw him, the more I realized that it was too much. Too much kindness, unearned vulnerability. And then I found out some things about him which felt off. And, I, for the first time in a while, ended things with them. They aren't really in my life all that much but they did introduce me to a new strand of friends.

Later on in June, almost a year ago exactly, the guy who I had ended things with invited me over for a pool party. And that's where I met with Shane. We were not amicable at first. He was a little bombastic, and I was just trying to drink in the hot tub in my own little world (which I have a bad habit of being standoffish but oh well). We argued and kinda made up, but in that way where its like meh im just saying sorry to make it less awkward.

Flash forward to a few months later, and I am again with Beau at the damn bar we freaking met at (oh renegades....). And low-and-behold I saw Shane with some friends, which sparked us to talk again. One conversation led to another, and we somehow became pretty good friends. I even helped him move to a new apartment, and in return, I was able to meet other queer folks in the peninsula and in the city.

I'll follow up with a part two.

[tryingnottofallapart]

April 24

So, this weekend was intense. A lot's been happening and i think im processing it all still. Got into an argument with my sister which was fun, it kind of happened at the end of our night out and we already talked it out. But the argument involved my sexuality, the person i'm talking to, and all those disagreements. Maybe that convo sparked and altered the lens in which I'm viewing this other person.

For starters, I'm seeing some red flags in the person i'm talking to. I want to look over them but I know I need to guard myself, and in order to do I need to not be quiet about the things I am feeling – which is all combumblated as always. Hopefully writing it out here can help.

So, I think the spark may be waning, or the intensity at which we were seeing each other is not as strong as it could be. I'm thinking in terms of the start. I have learned from past experiences to make myself a bit more busy, I don't want to seem like I'm all in for this random stranger. But, regardless of that, I have made myself free when he wants to hang out with his friends. I do see that he has his people, has his community of folks and all that. On friday, I went to dinner and a party. We didn't really talk 1-1 all that much other than some banter and some PDA. Which, don't get me wrong i freaking love PDA but I know he mentioned something about that not being his default. We ended up going home early because he got kicked out for god knows what from the host, I was his +1 so I went with him. We went home and you know, made out and all that, and I wanted to be a little more clear on things which he kind of evaded. I asked where are we and he said he's just

This weekend the one time I invited him to something he got too drunk and decided to just tell me that he wasn't in the right headspace to go with me to an event I had tickets for. and then from there and sunday the vibes just been off. It reminds me of the person I was talking to before, where I could feel something was off, but had convinced myself to be quiet about it and not bring it up. That ended up shooting me in the foot so i'm not trying to do that again. Which brings me to right now, i coordinated dinner for the two of us and I know I want to bring up how I'm feeling and just trying to be on the same page with this person but i'm nervous. I feel like (1) he might beat me to the punch and bring it up himself, (2) not respond or evade the question again, (3) make myself look crazy for talking about this if its not being felt by him in anyway... UGH

I guess time will tell, and i'll have another entry soon-ish :/

[tryingnottofallapart]

April 17

Its monday and my supervisor has been in Hawaii living it up, all while I'm here dying at work from boredom and just TIRED. Not gonna lie though, it's been kinda nice to pick up his tasks here and there and show these other folks in the department that i can hold my weight–not that it's been an issue.

this past weekend was chill, we came back from Paso last weekend so it was nice to not be on go-go-go mode for once. But even then my weekend was full of stuff going on.

you know that person i met, well i guess we're still seeing each other and nothing really has gone wrong yet. they've been reciprocating energies really well, and I fear that I may not be at that energy level the other person is at. For starters, he's more extroverted and kinda cool with himself in ways that I feel like I may not. I don't know if we're equally into each other.

I go back and forth on this. Not too rush anything and shoot yourself in the foot and then on the other hand not hold back too much and be okay with vulnerability. we saw each other twice in one weekend. which is great, but last time i was seeing someone like that back to back it ended up with me getting hurt

I haven't been obsessed texting him and reading too much into anything until lately and i don't want to fall into that pattern again. so i need to remind myself that everything isn't as serious as I play it out to be in my head. take a breather jordan and just keep doing ya' thing and everything will play out how its supposed to. Its NOT a race.

i have a meeting in three minutes for this DEI thing. Didn't do the readings but oh well who cares.

see ya' later J

[tryingnottofallapart]

April 1

Hey, its april fools! I'm currently in Boston for the work conference I as able to go to from work.

Last night I went out with our coworkers. It was fun! We went to this brewery when we first got to boston. After, we took a break and I grabbed some things from Target. But after that we went to this cool cocktail bar called Roxanes and then a karaoke bar and somehow got in free to a downtown club.

Ummmm.... I'm kind of talking to this person. Long story, because I literally wasn't looking for anything. But, hmmm, sometimes the universe responds to energies? I think I enjoy being around this person. It almost feels like I'm approaching this in a different fashion, more commanding of myself. More comfortable with myself? Again, they are so different than me. I'm also not trying to lovebomb or go intense and then die out... I'm a bit scared to fuck this one up. Because, at this rate, soemthing always goes awry.

Perhaps I'll have more updates soon..

[tryingnottofallapart]

Mar 28

Went to my counseling session today and wow i'm feeling a bit more eye opened about things. I went in talking about boundaries, communication styles, attachment styles

During our conversation, we talked about my middle school self, and how I feel so protective about him. Or, the first question is how I felt about him. And, i felt like I am becoming someone who could step in and vouch for them. That version of myself that was always bullied, that was so insecure about their appearance, who kept being made fun of and who let themselves be walked over. I love that version of me, I wish I could smack them and shake them into action, but I know they would be in disbelief of who I have become.

We also talked about how my college years was a time where I tried to bottle that up and become someone different, I still wasn't accepting myself fully. I felt like I was lying to everyone and everything. My pre-2020 self.... was the way she put it. Who was that person, and I feel so distant from that version of me. 2018-2020 version of me was so messy, still clinging to reach other people's expectations. Trying to be liked, forgetting about the people who really did care about me and diving into school and closing myself off completely.

I'm still learning how to set boundaries but a way the counselor made it is that when I meet new people (romantic or not) I should think about this: would I let this person walk all over a younger version of myself. If the answer is no, which it should always be, then why are you allowing it? It hurts to even think about my yonuger self being the one taking the hearbreak or the beating for the actions I do now. But, I am in many ways that younger self, I'm no longer scared to be flamboyant to bee bubbly, to be extroverted and sassy. I can step and be there for them now and I'm healing parts of myself for reclaiming who I am now.

Taking my middle and college parts of myself together, I can see why meeting new people can be exciting for me. I've worked 20+ years to be this confident person. This stranger takes me in, sees me for who I am and have become, and accepts me. That acceptance, that approval from them, makes my yonuger self who was never chosen or put first excited and I want to keep that approval going in deeper. It's the reason why I go for older folks, or more assertive people, because those older and confident people always put me down. When I can get one of those "types" (jock/rude/ultra-masculine) it's almost like I'm making up for all the times where I was ridiculed by those people. But, then I let them come in and walk over my boundaries and I feel dumb because in looking up to them so much and giving myself too easily i fall into a part of a vicious cycle again–of putting more energy into the people i seek approval from rather than investing time and care into the people who already love me for who I am.

I realize that I get defensive with my best friend and close folks when it comes to matters of my relationships. Because I already know about these behavioral patterns. When people judge me for my actions, I feel like they don't understand all the turmoil i've had to go through. Or, when people call me out for not being serious or too playful, they don't understand all the pain I had to go through to lose that part of myself, and almost lose it for good, and to barely reclaim it now. It's almost disregarding. It feels like an attack to who I was when I was little, hearing it almost in the same way. I am in many ways embraceful of the kid-like energy, I'm not ashamed of it, so when people say things that make me feel dumb for being so it just drives me to get triggered.

[tryingnottofallapart]

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[tryingnottofallapart]

by Leandro Furini

[tryingnottofallapart]

Mon March 13 | 3:43

Well, that was fun. I was talking to this person I liked a lot and thought was going somewhere. When I continue to think about it, I still think it could've been something wonderful, but for the other person it wasn't worth pursuing. At least the person was straight up with me (not fully though because they were feeling like that already for sometime)

I'm just kinda boggled a bit, because I was trying to be nice and respectful and take things slow-ish. I did what I thought I would want, basically treating someone the way I wish I would have wanted to be. The thing that stung the most is how non-chalant it was for them, while over here I was planning other dates in my brain and willing to work it out. I won't lie, i felt something was off, and I was trying to figure out if I did something wrong. And, according to them, I did. I was too nice, I was too playful, he wanted someone more commanding, more serious, more "sure of themselves". Which pulls at a chord.

I told my sister, I still care about this person, I still think they are a great and awesome human being and it sucks I won't be able to be there with them. But, its kinda glorifying and investing so much emotional energy into someone who was already one foot out for a couple dates before this convo to begin with. I had to swallow that pill, still kinda am as I'm writing this, but it sucks. I want to pout, and say woe is me and use this as an excuse to just wallow in self pity but i need to choose the opposite. I can use this experience as a crutch or as a rung in the ladder. Thank you, next.

I'm in between different responses, should I modulate myself or should I lean deeper into coming to understand my personality and let that shit shine. I feel like I am extroverted, I'm naturally playful, I laugh a lot, I'm a bit quirky and use awkward energy to keep conversations flowing. But, it seems that not everyone likes that. I guess also I'm more feminine than I wanted to accept, which is something else I should be breaking down. I shouldn't shy away from femininity, try so desperately to be "masc" or however the hell you want to call it. I'm me, I am the most permanent thing in my entire life, I have this and that's it. He'll move on, already has most likely, and I shouldn't stay waiting for them to think about coming back or just stall my life.

Love Letter by Odesza is hitting now. I won't let my heart be broken, I need to learn to set boundaries as much as it hurts me. As much as I want to dive right in and be me, not everyone deserves that me. Not everyone deserves my intimacy, not everyone deserves to understand and be a witness to my personality. You need to earn that, you should be willing to see it grow and unfold naturally. I am Jordán before, I will be Jordán after, I am not missing anyone, I am filing myself up and I hope the people that come are filled already. I want to meet people who can coexist, who won't project, who are willing to ride the lows and highs, who can see past the honeymoon phase and be willing to work it out when the initial sparks dull a little bit and find new ways to make them come back.

Is this growth? Only time will tell. And if time doesn't I will fucking make sure I will. I am the author of my own story, I am not a side character, I will not be sidelined. My story is far from over, and i will learn to move past this as much as I feel as i'm in a cycle, I will break that cycle soon enough.

Here's to better times ahead,

-J

[tryingnottofallapart]

March 10, 2023 (10am)

Well, it has been a while since i've wrote on here. I'm wearing this interesting express polo, i painted my nails, wearing my favorite zara pants. I'm just owning whatever look i'm going for. Painting the nails has been a new thing (shoutout to Dom to showing how its done on Perfect Match haha)

Let's see what's new? I recently accepted a doctoral program at Santa Clara University. It's exciting but i'm also apprehensive about it. Things which meant so much to me, which had a grip are no longer as important in my life. I just want to have a good time nowadays and want to avoid things that are not fun for me. Is that a trauma response? Idk

I think I talked about this in the last entry, but this whole year has been a whirlwind. I've been exploring myself and I don't think I got anywhere new. I've been giving my all to relationships and they end up just crumbling before me in the midst of me catching some semblance of emotion. And then all the arguments i've been having, its been draining. I'm realizing my communication style, how I present myself to others, how I react to situations. It's all kind of eye-opening. I didn't know I was an emotional guy, I was scared to fall into that category, but turns out I wear my heart on my sleeve and can't hide how i feel for the most part. I try to be this open book, play off everything, and play the goof (well I kinda am though its not just pretend), but everything in my life feels serious, I take things so personally. I try to act like IDGAF but i think I actually GAF about everything. And that's where I shoot myself in the foot, I get explosive, I get tempermental. I overanalyze things when in the grand scheme of it all, its not that serious. BLEH this is a run on or a vent but that's just how I feel I guess.

And then I met this new guy, and I'm trying to play it cool, be normal. In other words, I don't want to fuck it up. But I have this anxiety with people where I feel like they're ready to drop me but do so carefully or subtly because of how fragile I am. Which is something that i've come to terms recently, i'm not as independent or as strong-willed as I thought I was. Maybe, i've become okay with showing myself as I am. I've accepted that I don't have all the answers, that i'm not the strongest/smartest/coolest person in the room. But, I suppose that's besides the point. He's calm and collected, I can't read him, he makes me see my fallbacks/drawbacks. He's stoic when i'm melodramatic, he's ambitious and practical when I kind of go where the wind blows. I feel awkward around him, when he seems so at ease. I can't be witty as I usually am, and it's because I regard him so highly. And that's another problem I can't give so many people that much power of my life. I need to realize that I am a catch, I am interesteing to people, I'm not just this aloof dude but I have things I am also pursuing. Boundaries, mental ones I suppose, I need to keep him at a distance to understand that hes just one of many people I will meet or something along those lines

Geeze, I just don't know if I feel too strongly about stuff.

[tryingnottofallapart]

November 7th, 2022 (1:18PM)

I am typing this while I am working at Stanford as a Student Services Specialist. Life has changed a lot since I last updated this. I'm not in the best of moods right now, but I figured that typing might help.

I've been saying it now and then, but I do think that I am ready for a relationship or something more serious. I've been going on so many dates and it's been fun and all, but it's also very draining. Meeting new people is exciting but then the rush of forging a new connection kind of dies over time and it makes you think why you were so excited about the whole ordeal to begin with.

It might also have to do with the fact that I am coming to terms with an inconsistency. I like folks who are way older than me, which if i'm being honest, doesn't bother me. But, I know how it would bother everyone else. There's just something that feels more legit about someone who is emotionally available and has a maturity about them.

And then there's the other thing – the people I tend to like are either not ready for something serious, starting things with someone else. It's like right place wrong time. The people I actually like, it's as if the universe steps in to thwart anything from sticking. Anywho, I have a cool new-ish job and its been going great if i'm being honest. I've been focusing on me alot but I wonder if it's been to get to a "dateable" category, I feel myself checking off all these boxes but not feeling any different. Eh, I don't know.