tryingtokeepgoing - Tumblr blog

[tryingtokeepgoing]

On a real note, I need to be put down or something. I’m dating the most amazing guy. And he’s gone for a little bit and I’m going through stuff and I start to feel lonely. I cheated. I don’t even know why. I still don’t know why. But I’m still talking to the other guy. And I’m probably the worst person for two reasons: 1. I still very much intend to stay with my boyfriend. I love him and I’m attracted to him and he hasn’t done anything wrong in the entirety of our relationship. 2.I’m starting to believe that this other guy might be in love with me. He might’ve been for a while now. The whole time I thought we were buddies (we weren’t even that close). And I can sort of tell that I’m about to hurt him by going back to my relationship, but I can’t help myself. I absolutely love his kiss; it’s soft, smooth, and gentle, and he tastes just a little bit like a cigarette. And he feels so comfortable, and he’s kind of an asshole but super soft hearted at the same time (everyone agrees, the more he likes you as a person, the more he’ll fuck around and say outlandish insults. If he hates you, he won’t say anything at all). I don’t want to hurt him. I think he likes me bc he finds comfort in me, and I find it in him. But I think for the first time I actually want to keep something casual. Platonic in a way. Kind of be a safe haven in our own little bubble for a while. And then things would go back to normal. But that also seems unlikely.

I do not see myself in a relationship with this other guy. My boyfriend is everything I ever wanted. Im just filling a void. And I know I’m selfish for that. I don’t deserve either of them. I mean the the other guy knows I’m in a relationship. I wish we could stay friends. I hope we can stay friends. We could probably become best friends. But idk if that would be conducive to any relationships that we have outside of our bubble. Bc his kisses are buttery and he’s just the right temperature. And he smells like cigarettes just enough to make me nostalgic but not to much where he stinks. And I don’t think there’ll be any universe or dimension where we wouldn’t be pulled together. It’s just he’s been here the whole time, and I never really saw him that way. He’s been around me for years, in the distance. He’s like my family, and I don’t know how I feel abt having crossed that line with him. But it feels so good, I don’t want to stop. He seems so wrong for me though, it would be such a bad idea to let this thing I have with him ruin what I have with my current boyfriend. I don’t know. Talking to him makes my heart warm and fluttery, at least for now, and that feeling is hard to come by.

[tryingtokeepgoing]

April 1, ‘22

So I never posted this before, bc I think I put too much situational information. But I feel entirely differently about this person now and I though it was crazy to see the difference. A little scary too, not gonna lie.

You ever have a discussion with someone and then figure out later that the universe is telling you you’re in the wrong? We’ll I have this issue where, if I feel something right off the bat, I’m following that feeling pretty much no matter what. I’ll feel guilty, and maybe even disgusted with myself about it but I’ll still feel like I need to know where this feeling takes me. I’ve been struggling as of late with that exact thing. I’m bored in my relationship. I want something new and exciting and almost 27years old. And it’s not just inappropriate at this point, it’s beyond even words. Not only is there a 5 year gap between us, he’s a walking red flag, we’re coworkers, I’m currently already in a year long relationship with another coworker, AND I have yet to get a divorce from my husband who I’ve been separated from for just about a year, and my workplace is the type to send me to jail if I’m in a relationship while still married legally. Messy. MESSY. On top of that, I still occasionally talk to a guy I cheated on my current s/o with and he lives far away and has no clue I’m in a relationship right now at all.

By the way this 26yr old is not the same guy as gym guy, we’ll call this guy, old guy. When I say he’s a walking red flag, I mean it. I recently started talking to him more and I’ll admit, back in the day like a year ago, he was beyond fine as hell. He had the facial hair, the height, the build, the everything that I like. Skinnier arms but not a twig. He doesn’t stink either. He went through some shit in the last year and he looks different, but he has a lot of potential in the looks department. There are also certain things about him that make me believe he’s hung and or good in bed. I keep fantasizing him as exactly what I want in a sexual partner, although when I talk to him I feel that he’s kind of out of touch, emotionally/socially/romantically. I just don’t think he’s good at taking social cues in certain situations. When I say he’s a walking red flag, I mean… he’s abt to be 27 next week and his longest relationship was “9months to a year” long. I’ve heard him talk about his exes and failed flings and he tends to lean towards blaming the women in his life for his shortcomings. But anyways, us together can’t really happen, so I’m staying his friend, taking him to the gym, and hoping his ancient self can grow to be even more attractive and unattainable and in the process of doing that I’ll see if I can also help him grow socially and emotionally bc he needs to.

[tryingtokeepgoing]

May 3, ‘22

It’s been sort of a ride the last months or so. I think the last time I wrote, I was still in a relationship, but it was sort of on the rocks, and I wasn’t really into my partner sexually. Well, I ended our relationship and I had like 5 days where I was a hoe on the low, and then I IMMEDIATELY fell in love with a sneaky link bc… I’m me and this is what I do. He’s exactly my type, I’m definitely not supposed to be seeing him, and the sex is astronomical. Here’s a list of all the reasons he’s awesome.

He is respectful of boundaries

He’s clean but not OCD about it

He’s generous

He’s mature but still childlike when appropriate

He smells amazing all the time even when he doesn’t

Although he’s physically a little awkward with his body sometimes, he’s very smooth and graceful when it comes to being humorous, and a lot of his jokes are dirty, which I love bc so are mine.

He’s incredibly accepting of my flaws/quirks

Prioritizes honesty in communication

Already understands that growth is constant and important throughout life and relationships

He’s spontaneous & romantic

He’s patient

Our aspirations are similar and where both flexible on the details

Now let me say, I’m a little bit afraid that because our relationship is still new, that he might be acting differently to get me hooked. I still have some trust issues when I comes to that. He also has a couple of red flags that might become bigger issues later. But we have a LOT of fun together, no matter what we’re doing. And that means a lot to me.

[tryingtokeepgoing]

April 4,’22

Ayo. The thirsty ass men in my life are coming out the woodwork today. And my s/o is feeling really clingy today and it’s made me nervous bc my social are filled with dudes like “you got bomb pussy” and “you fine as hell for real” like bro thanks for the ego boost but chill you gonna get me in trouble.

[tryingtokeepgoing]

March 30, ‘22

You ever playing with fire and you know it? Well I’m out here playing with gas cans and a blowtorch ✌🏼

I don’t know why I do these things to myself, I be having hella crushes and shit that are inappropriate as hell. Roping myself into a noose. IMMA STILL DO IT THO

[tryingtokeepgoing]

I’m at the gym again today and I made it so I’d be here around the same time as yesterday bc I wanna see Superman and I haven’t seen him and I’m actually sad, what is wrong with me.

[tryingtokeepgoing]

No, because I have an entire s/o but I just saw a meatball/Henry Cavill mix gym bruv while working out and we locked eyes and now I’m head over heels over some dude I never seen and probably will never see again. Whole bf was at the fitness center with me but he was gonna make me act tf out, I had to GO. I had to skedaddle my fat ass out of there before I did something stupid. I caught him looking at me a couple times, I’m probably delusional bc I look like a burnt chicken nugget and he was def on the phone w someone the entire time not even talking just on the phone, so he probably has a gf. But yeah, bro finna make a gorl act out. Biceps could take my breath and my life away in seconds🤤. Okay that is all.

[tryingtokeepgoing]

March 23, ‘22

So I’ve been meaning to post again bc I’ve had many thoughts go through my head and I just need to point out

I need a car like soon. I feel like not having one is holding me back

It’s been nearly two months now and my weight every week has stayed the same. And although I feel smaller in some aspects, I’m still the same size, weight and measurement as I was. Actually, my measurements have gone up.

I’m convinced that I’m meant to win the lottery. It’s like, yeah, sure there are careers I can explore and blah blah blah. But a career is not going to be my main source of income. I’m winning the lottery. It’s just in the cards for me.

I need to see my my medical provider for what seems like a million things and I keep telling myself I’ll go the next day but I haven’t .

I’m going to try and focus on being a nicer human being. But I still do not trust anyone. I actually trust people way less than I used to, and since I don’t really have any close friends, I didn’t think trust was an issue. But alas, people still found a way to break my emotional trust. More than once. Like how? Idk.

I’m pretty sure I can be as nice as humanly possible and do everything right and my s/o will still be irritable with me. Even if we’re fucking regularly. But I still don’t believe it’s worth leaving him.

Yeah, it’s all mundane things to worry about. But still, I worry. I’m trying to work on not worrying so much. Goddamn I’m working on a lot of stuff all at once. Like personal things, like on my character. I catch myself being mean, or forgetful, or sluggish, and I’m trying so hard to change those things for myself, while also trying not to be a doormat and trying to gain some confidence in all aspects.

[tryingtokeepgoing]

March 14, ‘22

I was in my feelings at the gym today. I’ve felt such a lack of respect from my s/o and my peers at work lately and I was barely lifting anything I just felt so weak emotionally, I kind of teared up when I was benching today, besides that I’ve also started realizing more how little time I have left with my only friends before they leave. And how much time I have left on my own. I’ve ALSO felt like I’m making the opposite of progress since I started going to the gym more often and that’s extremely frustrating for me because I’m actually on a clock to make a certain goal by June and I’m going in the opposite direction. My weight and BF% has gone up in the last month and a half and now instead of 15lbs to lose I now have to lose 19. I’ve been doing everything right. At the very least I’ve been exercising way more that I was, and I’ve stopped drinking and eating out as much. I just can’t wrap my head around how that equals weight gain. And ppl keep mentioning recomping to me and I get that, but my measurements are increasing. And my progress pics are pretty much unchanged. So what am I doing wrong, y’know? I don’t understand it and I don’t think anyone else knows either. I’m trying to stay motivated but like I said I’m on the clock and I haven’t budged a single lb since I gained those 6lbs in a week last month.

[tryingtokeepgoing]

My First Impressions

Im honestly a little turned around. There are some good things in life and some bad things, like usual. But I’ve been trying to change my lifestyle for ages now. I try to reinvent myself over and over and it’s it’s just like now, look, I’m 21 years old, I know what I want, I know my flaws, I know my fears but I have no fucking clue who I am or what makes me happy. Bc to be honest, what makes me happy usually isn’t good for me, so it changes a lot.

I always feel the need to explain myself and make things makes sense, and most of the time I feel like people do not understand what I’m trying to say. So tbh this is going to be my space to write what I’m feeling without having to rub together more than 2 brain cells at a time.

I tend to reread my writing a lot as I write, I’m going to try not to do that here either bc it wastes a lot of time. That probably also means I’ll get off track A LOT. So bare with me. Like I said, 2 brain cells. I feel like my brain travels at 2000mph when I’m thinking or writing so it’s like I have to pick and choose which thought to write down.ANYWAY, the whole idea behind this was that this blog is meant to be my therapist. I don’t need a response, I don’t need advice, I just need an empty void with no expectations that I can dump my crap on for free. I’m hoping this will help me tone down my anxiety.

I’m 21, in a relationship where I desperately want to feel content but developed under the worst circumstances and now I’m trying to patch it up and make it better. While still low key expecting the worst to happen just so i can feel prepared if it does. I feel like… I’ve got body dysmorphia in reverse. Not because I love my body completely because I know I’ve got work to do, but bc despite doing the work I still keep getting told my body is getting worse. And that it’s astronomically bad. Like I’m trying to work on myself in a chill way, and I can’t. I’ve cut out alcohol, increased my exercise by a lot, payed more attention to my calorie intake so I can make sure I’m at a calorie deficit, and I wasn’t expecting anything drastic, bc I know my body isn’t like that. But I’ve gone in the complete opposite direction. I lost a couple lbs the first couple of weeks, then in one weekend gained six pounds. And I thought it might go away, workmates have said things like, “it’s your period, it’s water retention, it’s muscle mass,” whatever they said, it was eventually supposed to get better. Nope. 1 whole month later and I’m a little heavier than when I first shot up. Measurements keep getting bigger, weight is increasing, I feel weaker, gassier, etc… i went to get my body fat percentage read today and even then, as I was saying I knew I’d get my feelings hurt by this machine, I was actually thinking it’d make me feel better. It did not. It hurt my feelings. Showed me that the weight gain is in no way water retention, my muscles are weak asf, and I have an extra 36lbs of fat I have to lose somehow.