trymaysa

[trymaysa]

also noticing my emotions shifting more. today i saw a cool looking couple and felt triggered. it brought up some doubt in my mindk, you know, like why don't i have that? but then i questioned myself and actually, the thing is, i can and will have that! that was the proof that it is possible and it doesn't at all mean that i am unloveable or shit like that. honestly, my mind can do such drastic spirals, but i understand it because of how my teenagehood went, i just need to allow myself to outgrow all these beliefs and accept that it's a process.

[trymaysa]

i am proud of myself for still doing all these healthy things like not beating myself up about not doing enough, and just keeping the streak going even if right now it's minimum. i did so many things in the evening, just because i got a sudden energy boost. friends really can hype you up, i was expecting myself to drop dead when i got home lol. i am very grateful

day 4, todayyy, honestly don't know. have finally given myself enough sleep and a slow morning, cleaned up my space a bit and went grocery shopping. had a german lesson, but in preparation for my exam i have only been reading the book for about 40 minutes :/

at least i'm keeping up with morning yoga and evening meditation. also briefly looked at places where i could go for masters and i wonder if Austria would be a cool place to study.

see, the thing is, i know i'm smart enough for all of it, it's just that i would like to be more surrounded by art than i currently am. you know, i want to study something connected with music and writing, but it seems unavailable to me and i can't imagine myself there just because i feel limited.

[trymaysa]

day 4, todayyy, honestly don't know. have finally given myself enough sleep and a slow morning, cleaned up my space a bit and went grocery shopping. had a german lesson, but in preparation for my exam i have only been reading the book for about 40 minutes :/

at least i'm keeping up with morning yoga and evening meditation. also briefly looked at places where i could go for masters and i wonder if Austria would be a cool place to study.

see, the thing is, i know i'm smart enough for all of it, it's just that i would like to be more surrounded by art than i currently am. you know, i want to study something connected with music and writing, but it seems unavailable to me and i can't imagine myself there just because i feel limited.

[trymaysa]

i realize that working out brings such fabulous results and i just finally want to look like i'm in shape. i'm fine with how my body is built, but i feel sluggish from not moving enough, amd i don't feel strong, plus my posture could be a lot better. working out has so many benefits, if i don't start now, when?

[trymaysa]

day 3, the yesterday meeting were really fulfilling and i got a free haircut today. at first i was feeling down saying goodbye to my hair, but looking at the pictures before and after, the new haircut frames my face much better and i really like this new style. i feel like an upgraded version of myself and i got to spend time around lovely people. right now i am taking a break from working out, i wanted to go sing but the space i do it in where i don't bother anyone is taken. i feel okay, i'm doing my best trying to take it day by day, and tomorrow i finally don't have anywhere to go except for groceries. and i'm going to prepare for my philosophy exam. i'll let you know how it goes.

[trymaysa]

today i just want to eat well, revise some german, and prepare a plan for an exam preparation. i have 2 meetings today, and it's the fifth day that i have things to do outside of the house. honestly, after the holidays it feels a bit unusual, but i like it, even though i'd like to sleep in.

day 2, i just did my yoga session for the first time in a long time. yoga with Adriene is just amazing, i love her approach, always grounding me in the moment. it reminded me of being more compassionate to myself because i'm used to beating myself up for lost time, for not doing anything and for not having achieved certain things earflier. but being surrounded by the people thatg are gentle to themselves and continue growing at their own pace i am once again teaching myself to be patient with the process.

yesterday i came back from doing my nails and just ate chips in bed watching Maskulin Feminin (1966) directed by Jean-Luc Godard. still a little confused by what it all meant, but i appreaciate diving into Godard's world. I wrote down some quotes that the characters said, such as: "i realize we can control our ideas, which are nothing, but not our emotions, which are everything".

[trymaysa]

day 2, i just did my yoga session for the first time in a long time. yoga with Adriene is just amazing, i love her approach, always grounding me in the moment. it reminded me of being more compassionate to myself because i'm used to beating myself up for lost time, for not doing anything and for not having achieved certain things earflier. but being surrounded by the people thatg are gentle to themselves and continue growing at their own pace i am once again teaching myself to be patient with the process.

yesterday i came back from doing my nails and just ate chips in bed watching Maskulin Feminin (1966) directed by Jean-Luc Godard. still a little confused by what it all meant, but i appreaciate diving into Godard's world. I wrote down some quotes that the characters said, such as: "i realize we can control our ideas, which are nothing, but not our emotions, which are everything".

[trymaysa]

day 1, i was late for the exam today, but it was really easy, so overall I'm relieved

[trymaysa]

tired of being passive about life, i crave beautiful experiences and knowledge and career development, i am sick and tired of not taking actual steps to reach fulfillment

[trymaysa]

tomorrow i have an exam that i am now studying for, i have several months to finish my BA thesis and to choose a university to study in next and apply there. i want to study in English, and my options right now are:

continue studying American or British studies to get a Master's

find a Bachelor in Arts, Music or Culture. I still don't know what I want and whether I have such option

study in Germany, preferably close to where my parents are

or study in some other EU country, provided I find a major that's in English and know how to actually be able to get into that country

once again, I still have no idea, but we're gonna take it step by step I guess

[trymaysa]

this is the start of my journey to reaching my goals