tschurlinov-alaska

[tschurlinov-alaska]

It’s hard to admit that you never change, no matter how hard you try.

Live a pattern that never break, a loop that repeats, year after year. I try to, I want to but all I am, all I ever will be is nothing but hate.

Hate for myself, for the others and especially my life. But am I changing it? No. All I can do is finding excuses, blame others for my own failures or purposely sabotage myself to fail. It’s not like i want to fail or I don’t want to achieve something, no i just do it. And I don’t even know why. There’s no other explanation except: i can’t handle change, i hate change

I’m severely mentally I’ll that’s for sure, that’s why I can’t understand why I’m doing it. This is how I act, even if I don’t want to. And I remember all these years where i always promised myself to shut up, be normal, and I failed. E.v.e.r.y s.i.n.g.l.e t.i.m.e

I feel ashamed, filthy and most of all embarrassed…. I wish I could be someone else, but I’m stuck. It seems like no matter how much i think about things, I’ll always end up making the wrong decision. And it’s root for all of my problems is: HATE

It will haunt me, forever, eternally