tsuching300

[tsuching300]

//RANT//

I need my own fucking room with my own fucking section of the house alone so I can cut. I can't have shit in this life. What is peace? Because I can't have it supposedly. Every fucking day, I have to fight for my property every day and night and lord forbid I do something about it. Why is it my fault for fighting back? Oh, I'm not supposed to protect the only pieces of property that I own that comfort me because you were too shitty of a person to take me to a professional psychiatrist to fix the shit you've done? Who cares about all the times you beat and threatened me during my formative years? I fucking do. I cared that every time you came in the room, mad or happy, I shook and hid what I was doing in case you were going to beat me for that since I didn't know what was right to do and what was wrong. I'm so fucking sorry. My apologies. So please, can I please protect my plushies? Can I please have my plushies in my safe space since I didn't have one for years? I shouldn't have picked up the knife and demand my shit back? The only shit that allows me to sleep without waking up in the darkest hour of the night crying? My bad. But hey, maybe if I was taught how to handle shit maybe I wouldn't have. Or even better: help me and stop enabling his behavior all because I 'overreact' over the most important shit in my life? I fucking hope this blade fucking digs in my skin and bleeds out because if the only thing I can have is knowing that will happen every day, then why the fuck am I living? You're lucky I have a girlfriend I love very much because without her I'd probably have killed myself in front of you because I want to show you how much this life pains me to live. I don't hate you but I wish you'd do better. I wish I was better. I wish life was better for me because that's all I want. That's what I needed back then.

:3

I hope you let out all your feelings and feel a bit better, sending hugs and head pats.

:(

I'm so sorry that is happening to you, hug your plushies alll you want. :) You have them and they have you.

[tsuching300]

I hate sharing a room. I literally can't cut in peace and even when they're not in the room, the lock won't work on the door so any second mid-cut they could catch me and that'll end everything

That isn't right at all :( I hope you soon find a solution and please refrain from harming yourself.

[tsuching300]

Will you miss me when I'm dead?

😿 Anon

Yes I will miss you and cry, please don't do anything to yourself alright?? I will be really upset :(

[tsuching300]

I feel bad for just wanting suicidal friends to kill themselves already because each time I talk to them out feels like it's pointless. They'll die one day and I don't want them to die. It's not like I'm wishing I find them dead in their room or something, but I'm just tired of having to worry that maybe tomorrow, I'll find them on the ground, blood everywhere, lifeless eyes, and old skin. I know how it feels like. I tried to kill myself once and failed, but I don't want my friends who are younger than me to die. I mean, I could've died at their age long ago but I didn't and I feel like if they do, then I'll feel another era of survivor's guilt. Being guilty to survive while they did not. I already went through it once, I don't want to go through it again. But, it just seems better if they did. Again, I don't want them to. I love them with my body and soul, but I don't know what I'm thinking, I'm just tired of this. I wish I could do something more than pray but I guess that's all I can do.

-🧩

Don't blame yourself at all. I know it happens and you feel guilty for it. It wasn't your fault.. it's a survivor's guilt and it will slowly pass away. Just focus on yourself and your mental health. I know u can do it.

[tsuching300]

you probably know who I am, please don't say my name, this shit is between you, anyone who reads this shit, and I.

Life never feels full but is full. I do things every hour of every day. No breaks, no stopping and if I ever did find myself in a scenario where I don't have anything to do, I find something else. Yes, it's tiring as fuck to be constantly doing something, especially when it's physically demanding of my body. And I do all of that for what? Just to come home, or for my father to come home and only point out what I missed or could've done better. I admit, he works super hard to just keep us in a home and I could do better but I'm just tired of taking care of so much stuff and finding more and more things to do to improve my chances at leaving or at least improving our way of living. I don't have a full time job. I just do whatever gets me paid. But it's just so much as stated before. I was 23rd in my school based on academics, I participate in my city government, I help my parents get things they couldn't before and all of that just to be told to start driving and to get a job. But that's the problem, I can't get a job in this city. It's so fuckin competitive in this city and to start driving I'm needed by law to have insurance which is around $400 USD and not to mention that I have to pay $200 for borrowing the truck my dad wants me to use for driving and the $200 for my cut of the rent and bills. That adds up to $800 USD per month but working from my best schedule from 7AM to 11:30 PM while being paid $8 per hour isn't gonna let me have a lot to problem cover my cost to do what he wants me to do and save for university. This shit sucks. I'm never good enough. I'll never be because this city won't let me. I was meant to die early in my life. I never should've lived through my health problems but I did, and now I have to pay it all back. Pay back the people who did so much to save me. But, what's the point when you're so suicidal that a bottle of prescription medication is constantly at your hand and all it seems to take is one more day of being told that my efforts to live and to help the people I love live aren't enough to be saved from death for.

Maybe I should've been or should be dead. My life isn't good enough to be here.

-🧩

You deserve to live and enjoy life too. Don't harm yourself and move forward, I believe you. Please don't do anything to yourself.

[tsuching300]

one of my friends is planning to die today and theres nothing i can do

Please stop them somehow. I hope you can help them.

[tsuching300]

Before Matthew passed, I had a long talk with Ethan. It was just what we needed. He's devastated right now. I get it. Matthew was his boyfriend but also a good friend but he said he'd never hurt himself for Matthew's sake. Ethan's been getting out of his room more often but his appetite is still a bit down

Thank you for your kind words

We'll pray for you too. You're a kind young woman

- 🏡

That's good, I went out to the shrine and prayed for matthew and I hope he's happy now in a better place. :(

I genuinely cried. Your welcome, and thank you for praying for me that means a lot.

[tsuching300]

Five weeks and four days clean gone </3

What? Gone! :(

[tsuching300]

Update: Matthew passed away

- 🏡

WHAT?! MATTHEW PASSED AWAY?

I'm so sorry this happened, I'm so sorry I couldn't be of much help. I will pray for him and I hope he's in a better place now.

I'm sending lots of hugs 😞

[tsuching300]

//RANT//

I don't even know why I lived. I guess I was supposed to die at 13 but here I am. Three years later, still alive, and only two of my past problems gone. I've healed a little but it isn't much. Death is just so good to think of. When I'm not thinking about the only people I really love with my soul, I think of my next way to die. I don't like life anymore. I'm always fighting someone. I'm always fighting to keep myself here. Why do I have to fight to live? I just want to live and smile. Not try and find that smile in alcohol and being a dirtbag who creeps old white people out just by walking on the streets. I just want a life where I can smile without needing to justify or even think if I should smile in case someone gets mad at me for being happy when I should be doing something with my life. I want to smile but everyone else say I need to work, make something of my life and forget that I can be happy as a person. It just feels like my first real smile in a long time would be spent dying. I can't die. I got siblings to take care of, people to love, but who has me? Does anyone that isn't my lover want me to just live because they see me as a human. I love my partner but sometimes, it feels like they only love me because they're attracted to me, not because they just want me without. I don't know how to explain all of this. The world wasn't ever good enough for me to live on it, so why do I think it's the best thing for me? The world told me I'm never good enough to love, so why do I keep saying I love it back? Am I too dumb to realize that I should've died three years ago? I don't but also do regret living. I'm just wondering if life is good enough to stay until 18 or if I'm not good enough for it to live to 18

I'm sending you lots of hugs, you still have people who care for you and want you. Please don't die, don't ever harm yourself at all.

There are so many beautiful things to do in life, you can write down in a journal, do gardening and photography. There's a lot of stuff, you can be better and do better.

Just be yourself and meditate everyday to block the negative thoughts out.

[tsuching300]

I feel like I should kms cause why did they have to die? Why could I had died instead? I think it would be better if I did, not them

No, don't think so negatively. I also went through this thought and eventually came out of it. You can cry all you want and let your emotions out. That person is sadly gone now and in a way better place. They certainly wouldn't want you to think like this.

It wasn't your fault whatever happened in the past, calm yourself and let your thoughts out. Sending you hugs.

[tsuching300]

/!\ sh mention

well in sacrifice of my own happiness I’ve made someone I hurt before feel more comfortable but I also learned their actual opinion about me and I would be lying if I said I don’t wanna bite myself again

Please don't do it again, you did what you could. Block out those negative thoughts.

[tsuching300]

Three weeks clean from starving myself!!!

- Shashlik anon

Don't starve yourself. :(

That's good to hear!!!!!

[tsuching300]

Is it ethical to lie to someone about real trauma but making it focused to them so they change as a person?

More context: my friend has a lot of bad qualities as a person that has been effecting me and many of my friends, kinda causing a silent split between all of us. I lied to him about a fake scenario but the trauma did happen, just not in the way I said it. I did this to change how my friend acts without being direct because they don't act positively to being called out directly on their actions. I just feel bad about actually telling them something that did happen to me but in a white lie kind of way. He needs to change his way, I see that his behavior is going to cause so much drama between so much people, causing sides to be everywhere and never taking the right side bc there won't be a right side.

So, back to the question: is it ethical or even a good idea to lie to someone about something that happened but not in the way it did actually happen to get him to change his ways as a person who has so much influence between friend groups.

Hmmm, In a way it's both good and bad. You are obviously lying about the scenario.

In a good way, he might change himself or try to improve himself. If he actually does have a lot of influence on the friend group then he has to change to keep the group together.

It's okay to lie sometimes so that you can help someone, but please don't continue lying about the situation. I understand what you are saying but continuous lying will land you in trouble.

If he does start changing, that's well and good but if he himself doesn't want to change, then that's on him.

[tsuching300]

I am the father of a 16 year old boy, I came across your blog right when I needed it the most

I understand if you can't help me because I can see you're just a young woman trying to help people on the internet and this situation I am going through it's... complicated. So, my son, Ethan (not his real name) has been severely depressed these last few weeks and the reason is his boyfriend, Matthew (also not his real name)

Matthew has been dealing with a lot ever since he publicly came out as gay at the school he and my son attend. It goes from insults to slurs to physical aggression and to sum it all up, his mother was caught cheating and it became #1 gossip subject there at school

Matthew is currently in the hospital. He cut his wrists and legs while showering as an attempt to kill himself. He's been there for about three weeks and while he shows signs of progressively getting better, Ethan is worried to the point he's been spending his days texting Matthew when he actually has the energy to reply. Ethan barely eats, barely leaves his room and I'm pretty sure he doesn't shower or brush his teeth it's been some days. My wife cries for him every night and I honestly don't know what to do

How should I address this to him?

- 🏡

SORRY for the late reply, I'm one day late. I hope you visit again to see the reply.

Ethan should take a break and focus on himself, maybe if u can, you can take him out to distract him.

I understand he's worried and upset. He needs and he should take care of himself. You can try talking to him kindly, don't shout or come across as rude, talk calmly and understandingly. He will listen.

I'm sorry that so much is going now, it upsets me. I'm sending hugs to him right now.

He can do a lot of things to distract himself, painting, listening to music, any physical activity like jogging, exercising.

Tell him that people care about him and doesn't want to see him like this. He will understand I'm sure of it.

[tsuching300]

Remember when I said I was randomly depressed for like a month and then snapped out of it randomly?

Turns out that was incorrect

I've just moved from the "feeling only negative emotions" part to the "feeling nothing at all" part

Whatever it's fine cause I don't feel like shit anymore

I just feel nothing now

IT'LL BE FINE

😿 Anon

It's okay, you will get better. Think about positive things and do the things you like the most to do. It will be alright.

[tsuching300]

Stuffed animal anon from a long time ago is now better. He is just am object now. No longer my partner. Thank you for the help.

/anon, attachment issues are being talked about in therapy

OMFG, I'm so happy you are better now. Thank you for updating and telling me. This means a lot!!

I hope everything goes well :DDD