tteemmppoorraarryy

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

i'm overeating < i'm over eating

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

i hate myself and i want to lose weight and then die

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

my stomach just started growling 😎

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

i don't think i can feel any fatter in this moment. and it makes me sick to my stomach trying to be "body positive" and to "love myself" and how my boyfriend tells me i should eat so my body can carry a baby one day. i'm tired, just exhausted lying to myself that i enjoy food. i fucking don't, okay? every time i eat i feel so out of control, like a worse person than i was before i ate. empty plates makes me want to throw myself down the stairs and i'm probably allergic to calories, because i hate every single one of them. i feel so huge, i literally gained so much weight last couple months and i'm trying not to relapse every single minute i'm alive. but honestly, i won't try anymore. so yeah, i relapsed, and i can't wait for my stomach to growl, for my bones to show up, for my skin to be dry, for my eyes to be watery, for hunger cramps, for digestion abnormalities, i don't like myself when i eat, in fact, i fucking hate myself for eating. but that's over. i accept the fact i will never love myself full. in a month from now, i'll be skinny again, i'll be a poisionus snake again. i am addicted to be hungry and i stopped denying that.

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

temnota existence

svět je tmavý, pokryt černým pláštěm

duše bezhlavě bloudí, jen tmou bloudí dál

některé věří, všechny stejně pojdou ladem

a osud je beztak té tmě již odevzdal

chtěli by něčeho dosáhnout, avšak neví,

neznají směry a cíl neznámým zůstává

zevnějšek je otráven a nitro je pálí

neumí snít a realita? jak ta je nestálá!

těm duším chci poradit,

po čele je pohladit

sněte a věřte, není všem dnům konec

zkus dusit se smíchy a čaj si přesladit

chovat se jak blázen a bubnovat na hrnec

buďme dále dětmi, buďme naivní

všechno je lepší, než bloudit čpící tmou

po každé bouři slunce se rozjasní

tanči a volej slunce, volej ho se mnou

jak se máme dobře, sluneční příteli

chmury jsou tu pořád, nikam neodletěly

vždyť i tvé chmury jsou smutné, samy se trápí

zvenčí jsou otráveny a nitro je pálí

rozesmějme své temné myšlenky

milujme je, naše nejjemnější milenky

udělejme jim pohodlí, krásně tmavým host��m

jsou hrozně prázdné, tak přec nosme na stůl!

zaplňme je, nečím krásným a voňavým

já vím, co jim nabídnu,

na stůl nesu košík plný malin

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

why is it so hard to eat?

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so dainty, so petite, so thin

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every time i think about you being mine, i stop myself with that thought "but i don't deserve you"

and i can't move on thinking, because you are so smart, so clever, your mind is solid and organised, you always know what your answer is, and you are even able to answer with looks and moves. you are so pure and sober, i feel like a dirty junkie whenever i'm in the same room as you.

you are always so confident, you know who you are and what you want, but you're still not boring, you're fun and the best jokes in the universe come right out of your head.

and i don't even mention your look, you're so fucking handsome, i could look at you for the rest of my life and then still spy on you as a ghost. i love your rich ginger hair, i love your bushy eyebrows, your big blue eyes and the longest lashes i've every seen, your small button nose, your juicy lips, and your skin so smooth like you stole it from a baby, your body so masculine because you do sports like all the time and you actually enjoy that.

i love how you care about others, carefully, so they don't fuck with you. i love your balance. and i'm sure i will soon love you.

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

i had a vision

we were in the middle of a field,

it was one of the warm summer evenings,

where the day ends and the night starts -

something gorgeous is going to be over,

and something wonderful is awaiting.

the sun shined through your rich ginger hair,

and your skin was glowing smooth.

i couldn't get enough of your words,

of your breathtaking mind.

i felt so blessed, being by your side.

so honored you give me your time.

we were just sitting there together,

laughing at leaf jokes,

i had that huge smile on my face,

you made me laughed so hard my cheeks hurt.

and your eyes were filled with joy,

as the ocean is filled with saltwater,

ready to fall into and never wanna leave.

we were staring at each other,

trying to catch every second of this moment,

then you looked around and said

"it is nice out here".

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

i hope i'll wake up early someday and tell myself how beautiful morning it is, brush my teeth, wash my face, drink ice cold water, then go to my room and spread my workout mat and finally exercise feeling happy, energized and proud, then take a shower and all comfortably chilled of the exercise make myself a porridge or pancakes with fruit, sit down and eat it calmly, and then feel satisfied and don't even think about something even similiar to guilt, urge to purge it and don't eat for another three days, someday i won't cry after a meal. after breakfast i'll go out, enjoy the sunshine, smile, laugh, cry, talk, walk, chill.

i'm just tired of being depressed and whenever i try to do something about it i feel even worse and get anxious. this sucks. i want my life back.

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

(:note to self)

do you remember how worried they were while you were restricting and refused to eat anything? and then how everyone told you they’re happy you’re finally eating enough and how beautiful you are now that you’re eating? you were still at your lowest weight. you looked still the same. you were just overexercising which seemed healthier than not eating and getting zero exercise which you practiced before.

then you got at your healthy weight and people thought you are fully recovered. they told you it doesn’t matter how big your thighs are, that the health is the priority. but then you gained even more and people were mean again. girls began to talk shit about your body and how fat you got. they stopped taking your mind seriously the minute after you gained it back. they weren’t worried at all when you told them you relapsed last month. some of them even told you “well you could lose some weight”

the same girls who were supporting you in recovery laughed at you in p.e. classes. those same bitches who were wOrRiEd two years ago. you just showed them your weakness, you stupid fat bitch.

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

i will never recover

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we live in a society.

so anyway i lost some weight, enough for people to notice. but i'm actually really fucking sad, because they don't tell me the true "oh, you lost weight, you're smaller now" they tell me instead:

"oh, you lost weight, you are so beautiful now.. i just wish i could look like you. if i had that body of yours, i would be so happy! just keep on going. what a pretty girl you are! you are so determined! it shows how strong and clever you are."

now tell me how weight loss isn't important. tell me again how it doesn't show your value. tell me how pointless it is to think it's not what makes life easier. seriously my life has never been so easy. not that i use it against others, but just to mention, when i was bigger and my mom needed help and i told her that i'm really sorry but i'm tired and i'll do it later, she was furious and started yelling how lazy i am. now she reacts so kindly, she acts like i'm a whole new person. i fucking hate it. i fucking hate how much power i gained with the weight i lost.

society is fucking sick. one day they tell you you don't have to restrict and being skinny means nothing if you're ugly on the inside and the other day they adore you as a person just because you're skinny.

at least don't lie, fuckers........

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

i don't hate food, i really like making food, looking at food, looking for improvement in my cooking and baking skills, i look forward to bake a cake on my birthday, i scroll through recipes everyday and it makes me feel really excited 

BUT i fucking hate eating. how it always seems so harmless and acts like a good friend, like if it wanted to help me. but it fucking doesn't. eating is like giving a fuel to the engine. it is not a pleasure, it is not something that a one should enjoy.

and i hate how it makes me look at the world. i feel so bad and useless when i eat or have been eating in last 6 hours. my mood is so low. everything just because i ate. was it tasty? of course, i eat only tasty foods. but was it worth it? no. i better could go on without eating anything or eating just the right amount that my body needs (not as much as my mind wants-which is infinite amount actually). 

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

my notes when i was 12

Bojím se, že zklamu sama sebe. Dřív jsem se bála, že zklamu ostatní, ale "ti ostatní" neni moc velká motivace.

Za poslední dobu jsem pořád dokola střídala Ana-Zdravě.. víte co je ironie? Zhubla jsem vždycky jenom Anou.

že je někde hluboko uvnitř mě ještě moje stará známá Ana, která mi vyčítá každé sousto

x překrásných dní s prázdným žaludkem, nezastavitelným úbytkem váhy a hladění kostí.

Ráda jsem si hladila kosti na bocích. Ráda jsem zatahovala břicho a koukala se jak je hladové, propadlé

S sebou jenom vodu nebo Colu Zero

Byla jsem šťastná a ani ne moc unavená

Cítila jsem se nadřazeně, když mi psaly jak dnešek pokazily. Jak snědly víc

Stejně nikoho nezajímám

Ana je moje jediná kamarádka

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

everyone says “skinny doesn't mean better” 

but what they really mean is “lose weight”

[tteemmppoorraarryy]

i like being empty and losing weight

i like school shootings

i like sci-fi books

i like strategy

i like nature

i like walking

i like simulations

i like not being sober

i like writing

i like makeup (but i usually don't wear it)

i like cigarettes

i like baking and cooking