Tudo o que escrevo são vômitos da minha mente, as idéias mais primárias, sem qualquer tipo de maior desenvolvimento ou refinamento. "I will remain focused on my goals. Even if I have a moment of difficulty. I will not give up. I know success comes with consistency. I know that I will make it. Things will get better. No problem or challenge will stop me. Everything I deserve is coming my way."
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19.04.24
It's 10:25 and the thing that hurts me is that the scenarios I mentioned yesterday about me and you happy together might just not happen.
it's 15:22, you called me earlier to tell me you have definitively decided. You are giving me hope. My body is although acting suspicious, like: is this really happening? I need to see you again, my body needs to be in your arms to believe it... And I know, it will take some time, but please don't give up on me if I'm acting weird, I just need to wait and see everything happening, cause words (promises without actions) are also something that can be rather hurtful. I need to see you doing it to feel completely safe again. To feel you mean it... even though I know you do.
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It’s still the 18.04.24
It’s 21:31 and so many things have passed through my head.
For starters I wondered if you were ok. Then I remembered we didn’t take a picture when you were here (and that still really hurts me, though I understand the reason). That is the part that makes me think that not talking is the right way, because when talking to you, I need to have the full you! The full decided you! I have cried in the shower. I have been reading on the couch. No, I didn’t go to the gym, cause I just went on reading so many past posts I have done on this blog.
I saw that with the last “magnet” I was scared I was never ever going to meet again someone I would feel so connected. I talked something about a hug I received from him that I thought I would never ever receive from anyone else. I had settled, for believing I was out of luck. Well… I found again, but this time with such a reciprocation. With such understanding. And grounding. At the same time, with such unavailability.
The first makes me miss you to the core. I could just spend the rest of my days by your side. The later makes me think it’s right to avoid contact.
I think I’ll take the time to ground myself a little and read my books. Let the emotions run through my body, with ease and patience.
I’ll try to not be busy always running after things. I want peace. I need peace. I deserve to feel valuable even if I’m not performing the whole time. (this is me changing subject already and I’ll continue on the thread…).
I want to be able to live a life with abundance, preferably with you. I want to live without having to count down to the hours and be compensating them to be able to feel valuable. I have so much more value than this, so I want to earn in a way that I can honor my body and relationships, with you and with our three kids (Levi, Maria and Jose 😅).
Also, I am so freaked out about the age that I went to google a couple of people… Sandra Bullock adopted her first kid when she was 46 and the second when she was 51. My friend, which has 49, does not look like a grandpa (so he won’t be the grandpa picking up the kids at school). Actually that was the reason I was talking about the fact that he just looked like a little older colleague -> we might be freaking out about the age too much. It’s not like we are the youngest couple, but I think we still have a little time to build a gorgeous family and be so happy. That’s what I wish for us. Even though right now is hard, I pray that we are doing the right thing and I’ll be able to see you again and be happy with you.
PS: I still smell your shirt everyday.
PS2: it’s 21:57 now.
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18.04.24
As I said... everything I want to take a picture and send to you and I was holding back even when we were still talking..
Here the pic of my kitchen yesterday... after dinner.. before talking to you. I though it looked cute, even though my standard glass of water is there.. the things to hang at the wall also... the fact that I always use the corner for putting something non-kitchen related. I wanted to show the glass cutting boards again, have I sent a pic before?
Anyway, it's 12:21, I started to get a little anxious, I went to "family search" and noticed someone else had my grandma there... I started to want to merge the information in the website... went on the family group to get the "certidão de óbito" and other documents I have been gathering during the years about the family. I want to upload them there.
Ah, I also googled your name, I noticed that it is also the name of a city (all makes sense now, "from south fen" (in wikipedia it says the name appears to mean zuid-veen... Looks like the city is one of the best preserved medieval cities! I didn't know about that.
It's 12:33 and I started crying. I'm at home and it's playing this: https://open.spotify.com/track/3kzfOc03nK88EPZHbjH3l9?si=7daa45bffc6a45dc
How I feel so unempowered about how long it took to meet someone like you. How I feel so much time was lost and I'm so scared of life. And because of that I'm also so not wanting to waste time anymore.
It's 12:56, I just helped the intern with some stuff, he is good but I also feel good about I can help him with finding faster some issues he couldn't have imagined because how he would know an extra "enter" on the csv file would break the whole visualization on the website?
12:58 I'm hungry, I'll eat my pasta, but before I'll just say that yesterday I though to myself I was going to focus more on yoga, focus on the german (I want to get it better before focusing on Dutch... yeah, I still think I'll learn Dutch!), and then there is the BIM chapter. I also though about producing some images to sell shirts in amazon, and writing short books to sell in amazon as well. I'm looking for different streams of income, and instead of writing things for free, start writing things that I can sell myself. I'm also considering to use social media to earn money, but I'm not sure yet with which focus. That might be something you might be completely against it (and I understand... one can stalk so easily....)... Anyway, it's already 13:02 and I'm hungry! So eet smakelijk!
It's 14:55 and I'm hungry again. I'm thinking about having some pão de queijo. As you might have noticed, also very focused on other stuff. But I kinda found this, which I though it was interesting. Very unrelated, but it made me go after the origins of my grandma's name "Hermengarda" and apparently the origin is germanic. According to Wikipedia it comes from the words "ermen/irmin," meaning "whole, universal" and "gard" meaning "enclosure, protection". And the Ermengarde "of" Zutphen is one of the historical women with that name. The picture below is just the list of my contributions on the family search, but so you see both names at the same time.
15:15, no I'm not doing nothing today... I need to close everything, go for a walk, then back and try to get something done, my mind is just so far away from work today.... maybe it would have helped to actually go to work today.
Still here, cause I can't stop thinking about you. And when I think about you and see things around, I want to show them to you. You know how in the beginning of the text I said I was not showing every tiny little single detail to you... well... I took some pictures when I washed the hair on monday 15.04... that day we started talking and I ended up not drying my hair... I don't think you have ever seen it without drying to be a little more straight or styled to be curled... well.. that's how it was looking like:
It only looks like this after drying... as soon as I sleep, it loses the volume a little. The bottom part is straighter cause is more damaged... anyway... that is the amount of things that can go through my head in a short period of time and I could talk about every single one of them with you.
and I also read about this, which I'm not sure what to think...
It's 17:52, I had planned to go to the gym earlier but Manuel called. We spent one hour in a call but it was good. He got some feedback from clients on why they don't like some other tools like Amenti. Then he was wanting to have some sort of thing direct in Arcgis (Hello BlueBrown!) so I ended up discussing with him about it and he was way more open hehehe. We discussed about going solo... but very briefly... I believe if we involve him, I could move at some point but still provide the services and he could continue selling things without issues in CH...
But honestly I came here to write this before going to the gym just because I'm missing so much talking to you. I feel I'll write a 1000 page book if I continue at this rate... it's 18:00 the bell is ringing... time to go! I <3 you! I miss you!
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11.04.2024
It's a Thursday. It has been 3 days you are away.
I cannot believe I said the last time we've met "I LOVE YOU". This was always so difficult to come by to me. For you I said, again and again during last week, and I wanted to say so many times more, I just kept holding myself back.
I cannot believe how much intimacy we have. I want to speak to you everyday, the whole day. I want to tell you the smallest things that happened. I want touch your hair and caress you all the time. You are so absurdly sweet, I haven't met anyone like you. I also cannot wait to see you again.
It also breaks my heart seeing how much you care about others and how this affects you. I want so much to hug you right now.
The little brother/sister broke my heart too... for a different reason.
I want to call you, and tell you all those things, but right now I'm holding so much myself back.
Back to the week... so many things I though it was special, but the ones that really struck me where the moments you showed how much you care. About the "wake me up if you can't sleep", about making me breakfast, about being so sweet and careful with new experiences for me (and I have such nice memories of them now), about pulling me to seat on you in Lauterbrunnen (and me having your head over my chest so I could caress your hair). But the thing I really won't forget is when you said at the airport "I will fight for you". That is honestly everything I have ever dreamed of someone saying (and acting over it) for me.
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11.02.24, right after turning off the call.
I just noticed that the being very independent, doing everything around the house, and being sweet, caring and having a warm hug are the good characteristics that both you and my mom have.
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Day 1 of wanting to tell you I still want your intimacy but I’m trying not to.
Today, 21.01.2024, same day as the post before, we talked again about having things slower. I blocked you a little when you were sending me messages trying to connect in an intimate way. You said you went to have something to drink. 30 min, 1 hour later, here I am missing you, wanting those exact things I was avoiding from you. I want to tell you to come back, stay here with me. I want to connect with you, feel closer to you, more than ever….
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I wish I can give you moments without worry. Right now I don’t think that’s what I’m giving you
:(
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your embrace
Your comforting embrace just helps me to regulate. Many times I felt first a bit rushed in the beginning, cause I wanted to be so much in your arms, but then I felt calm. My breath settled, as well as my heartbeat. I was just there, in peace with you. I also felt calm when you answered my questions. Cause you just simply answered them naturally. Thank you for all the openness. Thank you for listening to me. I’m still scared to be vulnerable around you, but every single time you reassured me, that I’m safe to entrust you with my deepest fears.
04.01.2024
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04.01.2024
Wonderful and bittersweet. Those are the two words I can use to describe what the last 24 hours were. I have seen a bit of who you really are. There was connection. There were double feelings. Happiness and fear. Pleasure and guilt. And sadness, for the little angel that was gone too soon. My words won’t be enough to describe what I’m feeling. I have mostly cried at the train ride back. I can’t imagine what you are feeling.
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I am not someone who constantly says how much I love someone, I rather try to convey it through actions and only say it in moments when I really feel it. It's important to me that you spend time together, share things and also have common passions.
Minding the other is important to me and that people are there for each other and stand up for each other.
06.07.2021
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The straightforward answer for your question is no. I am not sure. One big reason I'm in this relationship is because I feel I can be myself, and that's huge. You see, I'm a silly-girl type-of-person and with other relationships I felt I had always to be some sort of a better person than I was, but not with this one. So, sometimes it really feels it is the right thing to do. For this first time I have found what it looks like to be a really loving partner, but there were already issues in those two weeks that really hurted me and I absolutely cannot imagine enduring this my whole life. So, sure it was stressful the moving with his current health situation, but that was just an excuse I gave yesterday maybe because I couldn't really go deep into answering with all the people around.
On top of that: my heart and impulsiveness in relationships have always put me in very bad ones and I haven't had really role models of loving relationships. My parents were the worst kind of role model you can possibly imagine and I see myself reproducing bad behaviors my mom used to have. So now I always doubt my feelings and to try a more rational approach. What if i am just not sure because I am looking for something that it doesn't exist? What if getting hurt is just something I have to work with my past traumas? What if I am sabotaging myself by always running away? How does people know it anyway?
Yeah, I know how it looks like. I am a bit messy when the topic is relationship and feelings. This time I tried something completely new to break the cycle of bad relationships and see if that would be the way but unfortunately I am still not sure.
04.07.21
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By (04.07.21)
The answer for your question yesterday is actually a "no". I am not sure about it. That is a very straightforward answer, but a problem arises when I learned to not trust completely what I feel. For work related thing I have a very good gut feeling, but it works relatively the opposite when the subject is relationship. I haven't had really examples of loving relationships and I have found myself during many years in very shitty relationships, where I would just pour myself out and end it up being completely hurt. So I have worked into not trusting completely what I feel and going for the rational approach. Yeah, I am still not sure, but what if I am looking for something that it doesn't exist? What if I am sabotaging myself? Sometimes it feels right, but sometimes I wonder to myself what am I doing in here (specially when I am hurt for something it was done to me). So no, not sure to be honest, how are people sure about it anyway?
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