tumortunes

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i have 2 more finals left. i feel like i bombed the 3 i've already taken.

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It was my bday and I am so very lucky to be loved by many people. I feel content which it’s low key crazy. I’m so happy to be here with these people. Esp Nathan :) he planned this whole sneaky party and duped me into thinking is sus activities were for a Saturday party when it was actually tonight. He contacted all of my hs, college, and pa friends to come. He bought hella food and drinks and cooked most of it. He was the best host and I was able to spend time talking to everyone. I appreciate him to the moon and back. He’s such a lovely person. I have to make sure he knows how great he is.

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July 2023

Get vax

OHC purple nail manicure

SJ obon practice, got more gear

Dinner with mark and Nathan

Thrifting with Courtney

Alesso and Dillon Francis at the Midway with Esther Eli mark Carolyn + ran into hella friends. Drone Show!!

Court and I took alex shopping for college

Watched fireworks with Andy and lin lin

Went to chili cook off with court and nathan and met up with linlin and Andy, played spike ball

Fambrinis with Judith to talk about TOG and ACOTAR

MV obon taiko teriyaki chicken booth set up

Go to davis to see mom dad and bear for bears 3rd bday! Rave at home with glow sticks

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maybe dare to be happy and brave this year.

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AYE YOU JUST TURNED 28!

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Obon Round Up

Queer Obon Little Tokyo: Court, Jenny, Emma, Uncle Rory, Uncle Ray [saw Gia Gunn!!!] Ran into Joseph

San Jose (both days): Nathan, Mark, Carolyn, Arren, Jenn, Mark, Thomas, lin lin, Andy, Liz, Ryan, Julia, Cynthia, Frank, Greg [saw Kona Grannis!!!]

MV: teriyaki booth set up with taiko/Sue

Diablo: Tamichi Udon booth, Nathan, Madi, Roy, Tamichi Fam. Ran into the Lee Family, Auntie Carol

Oakland: This Saturday

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Gorls Night Summary

Ran 6mi

Did laundry

Got gas

Got costco pack of soju

Drove to the city

House tour at MQs

Got boba

Helped prep dinner

Played the one syllable game until Aus and lol pickles came

Ate lots!

Drank lots of good soju and lychee j pop

Drank disgusting shrek matcha drink

Played truth or drink

Fruit roll ups convo

Tattoo and piercing convo

Barbie

Spilling tea

Getting ready to go out

Failed attempt at going out

HSM 2 - didn’t even make it to bet on it

Salt lamp chats

Livin laughin lovin ;)

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Weekend wrap up

Dish washer flooded

Got it fixed

Cleaned up the flooded kitchen

Did laundry

Ran 3 miles

Drove to Diablo obon

Worked in Tamichi udon booth with madi and Roy + Tamichi fam on noodle duty and working the window for 6hrs

Mr Tamichi drunk praised me and Nathan lol

Ate chicken dinner and udon

Ran into the Uncle Phil, Auntie Trisha, and Matthew

Ran into Auntie Carol

Took 2 Jell-O shots and mystery drink

Caught up with Madi and Roy

Drove to Davis

Got guads

Hung with mom, dad, and bear

Bear slept with us

We washed my car

Went to the casino, up $5

Went to Ryann’s bday in SF

Saw MQ, Mick, Marissa, Anissa, Cady, Ayrton, Kevin, Jeanelle :)

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JUNE 2023

EXAMS - cardio - pulm - CTh - oral POM (killed it) - written POM - SP POM (also killed it)

CANCER UPDATE - no cancer cells in lumbar puncture - 6wk scan is leaning more towards radiation changes than tumor. will check again in another 6wks.

LA TRIP - celebrated papa's 85th birthday at guncle's apt - celebrated papa and tutu's 60th wedding anniversary - stayed at courtney's house - got in ~hella~ steps with her walking and metro routine - also drank an iced vanilla latte like every day - got massages in sawtelle (they had a steam room and hot rocks!) - we got brunch a lot too - took pics at The Last Bookstore - spent the day in little tokyo with jenny and emma - looked for a hapi coat but no dice - Queer Obon with jenny, emma, and the guncles - thrifted hella things from courtney's fav goodwill

MISC - golfed with dad at the stanford gold course for father's day - started training for SJ half marathon in october. i'll be running with people my class! - nathan came back from his work trip in S Korea and China - celebrated nathan's 27th birthday with a poker themed BBQ - his birthday cake was a steak lol - got food with Aus, MQ, Mick at Nova and the Patio - we went bowling with mark, esther, and his crew. nathan is good

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4/13/2023

Lots of highs and lows. The highest of highs and lowest of lows.

Judith brought me the last set of throne of glass books to borrow!

I surprisingly heard back from drew about my scans. The scans were concerning and I need to get a lumbar puncture to help make decisions on next steps. There’s 4 new nodules, 1cm, with edema.

I took the call and updated mom dad and Nathan in a hallway by a bathroom.

I cried in front of my whole class and 2 professors. Not my best moment.

Nathan picked me up from school.

We got boba and talked in the car for a while.

I went to target for snacks and shin ramen.

I felt too jittery to eat much or read the new books.

I passed all 3 midterms :)

Nathan made a small dinner for us with my fav food: salmon, tea, and rice. We matched anime and ate. A classic :)

I used the container Lisa and meng gave us to make our snacks look cute.

Linlin and Andy came over to watch the warriors v lakers game and play poker. I love them :)

We planned a really spontaneous and bougie day in Carmel tomorrow. We’ll leave in the morning, eat at la bicyclette, go to refuge!!! And get fancy massages and spa stuff with hydro cycling?? Thermo cycling?? I’m not sure how it works but I’m excited. Then Sunday we’ll go to davis to surprise mom for Mother’s Day. Tbt to the time I came to woodland to surprise her during Covid. Nathan will have to go back Monday morning but I think I might stay in davis for a few days and do class remotely.

I need to pack.

Overall, a lumbar puncture isn’t the end of the world. I can do hard things. If it requires tx then I’ll weigh the pros and cons.

It’ll be a fun weekend. It’s already been an amazing Friday.

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1 year from radiation

They usually play music while you’re on the radiation table.

When my last session was done, they played that song when you walk on the stage and graduate.

Before they could unclip my mask I was crying.

And I cried and cried and cried.

I was so sad that I even had to be here. And immediately after this I had to start my next round of chemo. It didn’t feel like an accomplishment to me. I reminded me that I might not be able to graduate or even go back to PA school. I had kept it together for so long but the song was the braking point for me. I didn’t want to be celebrated. Or happy. Or reflect on all my blessings blah blah blah. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself and cry.

But I knew my fam and Nathan were outside. They were wearing matching t shirts. They wanted to celebrate finishing radiation. And my friends from PA school ended up being there too.

I knew I would have to suck it up before I went outside.

I didn’t want them to know I was so sad.

So I sucked it up. I was so good at doing that now. And I was happy mostly for them. A little bit for me. And then we went to chemo.

And I was sad. I still am sad.

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i have this opportunity in front of me and im terrified.

is this what it means to be afraid of how powerful we can become? to master my avoidant tendances to push away the bad emotions instead of embracing them as apart of the story of my life?

i would much rather rewrite my story instead of having this one. i know it's ungrateful to say that. i know i should be appreciative of where i am and how i got here is the most important part. the low parts happened for a reason, right? ive never liked that idiom. i think it's stupid as fuck.

so someone important suggested that i should be in a We Are Stanford Med video. asma and mel ambler were in it this past year. these two women are amazing. they have wonderful stories and a passion for what they do. their videos are titled "med student and musician" and "PA student and public health champion." what would mine even be. "PA student and brain cancer survivor." i dont think i want my cancer history to define me. but being a cancer survivor is probs why i was recommended for this. they want me to show case a part of myself that i'm desperately trying to remove myself from. even thinking about what my potential story line would be made me cry. i dont know if i could do this without crying. i still havent processed everything. and im certain that i am afraid to. but not enough so that i will do something productive about it.

i think outsiders would see this as a cool opportunity but i'm scared. i'll have to really take a good hard look at myself and that's something ive avoided for almost a year. im not sure what exactly im afraid of uncovering. but the damage is there. i logically know that the only way past this uncomfortable and emotional headspace is to dive into it head on. i know. i just cant do it yet. maybe it's still too fresh. maybe i'm just a coward. im definitely just a coward.

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ew nathan literally just told me that he doesnt like me scratching my skin bc it's gross and distracting when watching tv together

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I passed all my classes :)

It was a close one with POM.

But I did it. I did well.

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This body got me thru 2 brain surgeries, radiation, and chemo. And I’m still mad at it bc I think I look fat. I think my face is too round. I have a double chin. I have a poochy belly. Thick thighs. But it got me through a brain tumor. So I guess I should be happy with it. I’m still vain af tho.

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Reckoning with the disconnect between our imagined life and the one we're actually living can cause us to evaluate our choices, relationships, and decisions.

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I realize that I’m romanticizing death too much