turned-all-my-fingers-into--blog - Tumblr blog

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This is it

This is pinnacle comedy

Everyone else go home fandom is over there’s nothing left after this

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Children playing with Barbies in media: “This is Sally. She’s the mommy. She loves fashion, swimming, and she drives a convertible! She has a baby with Ken and sometimes they kiss.” OR “Look, I ripped Barbie’s head off! Ha ha ha! I’m a boy.”

Children playing with Barbies in real life: “This is Aurora, the fallen goddess of the sky. She has been banished from her kingdom and bound to a mortal body by her sister, who rose to power by human sacrifices. She now leads an army of cannibal water spirits who eat men. Sometimes they have orgies. They dismembered a traitor and keep her head on a Popsicle stick as a warning to others. Aurora can turn into a wolf and uses battle magic to paralyze her enemies. The king of the stuffed animals developed rabies and she had to slay him to save his people, but they do not understand that it was an act of mercy and kindness and are sending assassins after her for regicide. This is Aurora’s soulmate, Crystal, but her soul is trapped in a gemstone while an evil spirit pilots her body and attempts to murder her friends.”

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hey duck

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john mulaney is queer culture but bo burnham is “I’ve been depressed since I was extremely young and never properly learned how to cope with that so I choose to ignore that problem by making jokes under the guise of a coping mechanism isn’t that wild” culture and nestled in the middle is me

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what about Big Femme Orcs and Small Butch Elves

you just destroyed all western philosophy in one blow with the smartest sentence ever said my friend. whats it like to stand on the corpse of plato

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QUICK PLEASE CAN SOMEONE FIND ME THAT PICTURE OF THE EYESHADOW PALETTE THAT WAS LIKE “DIESEL FUMES” AND “HUEUGH” AND OTHER STUPID ASS NAMES 

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Me when i see a wild animal in a metropolitan area: reclaim your space, we are the invaders, retake what is yours

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Japanese Photographer Documents The Many Faces of Tokyo’s Stray Cats.

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hmm? what’s that? oh, you don’t like my seeds? *evolves into a fruit that bears no seeds but is now a monoculture that is especially susceptible to pests and disease* how about that idiot 

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my cat: *grabs my hand the same way felines in the wild use to snap their prey’s neck*

me: aww. you think you can kill me? fool. you are far too weak to challenge me. i love you

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whoever you are, wherever you are. always know, you will NEVER be as valid as Keanu Reeves

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i had a dream last night that mothman was getting sued by the state of west virginia for accidentally breaking light posts and he hired me as his lawyer and in court i was like “now my client is a giant moth so you cant blame him for loving lights” and halfway through my speech i turned to address mothman and saw he was bumping into the courtroom lights and they broke and caused a power outage

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why my hand shaky