tuttuts-blog - Tumblr blog

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I hate being in the house it suck I hate it so much I hate it I hate it I hate itttt I don't want to be in the house I want to be anywhere but at the house even the gym is better even school just not my house I hate it I hate being at the house I don't like my father and I hate the house especially when he's there I feel like I'm walking on eggshells I feel like I'm suffocating I feel trapped and like I need to carefully calculate my every next move I feel like I can't breath I feel dead I feel drained and exhausted I don't want to be near him at all I don't like it and because of this I hate myself I hate myself for not liking his company i hate that I feel so suffocated I hate that I don't feel happy when I'm in my own house I hate that I don't feel at home I hate myself for feeling such negatively towards my own father I hate my stupid brain and my stupid feelings I hate everything about how I feel but I cant help feel this way I feel so frustrated cuz I don't want to feel this way but I do and I can't help but feel

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18 September

I've been consistent in the gym and I've seen some results with is nice the gym has kinda grown on me im not annoyed too much by the thought of going in fact when I'm in school all I think about is when class will finally finish so I can go to the gym (that might just be cuz I hate school so much) but yaa...I kinda look forward to going now and I don't hate it too much anymore and also cuz of the gym I can like stay out late cuz before after coming back from school I couldn't go anywhere besides like nearby shops but cuz of the gym i kinda have a social life now ig...but I don't want the gym to be my "escape tho cuz that's cringe and also idk it just makes me feel weird and kinda gives me an ick to say that the gym is my escape I don't mind if other people say it or don't cringe at them but when it's me it just throws me off and makes me think "like really tut ur escape is the GYM...bahahahha" that's what goes through my head whenever I think of the gym as my escape place lol I hope I continue to stay consistent and ya it's been nice.

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Rant here...

I really fucking hate school like more than the normal amount I don't like my classmates or really look forward to or enjoy any of the classes it's just not it..anymore

I really don't like my classmates except for like 2 or 3 people I just find them too different from me ig....I feel so alone despite being in a room full of people I feel distant from everyone and just borderline "out of place" I honestly feel like I'm the problem tbh but I just don't know anymore.....

The teachers everyone's fine but no one's like woww I really like this teacher they teach and leave which I mean that's their job but before in my previous school I had like a "close relationship" with my teachers they not only thought me lessons from our syllabus but also life lessons the student teacher interactions were so amazing but here in my current school it's basically non existent if I do say so myself

Just thinking about sitting in that tiny humid classroom with a bunch if people I don't even really like and having to share a bench and table with 3 other people just annoys me and makes me feel frustrated and kinda angry

Also I feel like everyone's always pushing my buttons i hate any form of physics touch form people that I didn't give permission to and I always tell them like hey don't touch me or like don't slap my back and stuff but they never really respect it also I've gotten hit (slaped in the back real hard) by a few of my classmates and those situations were really frustrating cuz if I hit back I know I'll be the "bad guy" but no one pays an eye to them if they hit me like they just get away with it and it's so annoying it pisses me off so muchhhh

But ya.......

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August 15

Omggg keeping up and updating has been kinda hard cuz im so lazy but anyway I was really struggling with eating especially after the whole work out thing IL when ever I ate I felt like all the calories i lost I was just eating it all back it felt terrible I was really confused on how to eat (sounds super weird but that's LITERALLY HOW I FELT MOST DAYS) I was scared if starve myself and end up binging ( BINGING IS MY BIGGEST FEAR RN) so I was really confused didn't really know what to do or who to talk to I thought of turning to the I internet but there was so much info and it just made me even more confused. Anyway my next work out session comes up and I do great I feel great I everything was just GREAT after the workout I was resting and just talking to this other man who my trainer also trains and I just randomly told him about my struggle with for and how I've been finding it difficult to eat properly and he actually was really helpfull and thanks to him I feel better about my eating habits I also told him how I felt like every time I ate I felt as though I was eating back all the calories I had lost he told me it was just all in my head and I should make sure to eat to my body's satisfaction. I am really greatfull to him and form this little experience I learnt that it's OK to ask for help especially when you are starting something new cuz it's new obviously were not gonna know much cuz were new to it so ya DONT BE AFRAID TO SEEK OR ASK FOR HELP 🫶

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Fall in love with the burn❤️‍🔥‼️

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August 8

Today was the first day in the gym with my instructor I was really nervous since last night I kept thinking about it even as I laid down to sleep it was all I could think about how intimidating everyone in the gym was and how out of place I felt yesterday I wasn't enthusiastic to say the least anyway I sucked it up and decided to go not like I really had a choice but yaa.........even when like 30 minutes was left before I left home to go to the gym I was really nervous I hated they way I was feeling I was so desperate to feel comfort so I decided to just give it to God and pray about it I basically just paryed that I wouldn't be too self conscious and be able to have a OK time but God is good because not only was I NOT FEELING SELF CONSCIOUS but I was for the first time enjoying my time at the gym I didn't really HATE HATEEEE any of the workouts I found some hard to complete but I didn't TRUELY HATE any of them also the trainer was really gentle he didn't shout,scold or push me too much to the point that my body could not handle so I was really great full also the stretches we did were so funn some were not too fun but most of it was really nice I think for the first time since ever I actually kinda enjoyed working out and exercising so really great full and also my legs don't feel too much like jelly like it use to also when he corrected my forms and stuff he did it in a very nice manner and it didn't really feel embarrassing that I was doing it wrong so ya.... I rate today in general 7/10 it was kinda fun🌟🙏

Also thank you God for answering my prayer and I'm really really great full to have you as a God who listens to everything no matter how small or big so thank you and love you🫶💞

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It's 3 August a Thursday and I'm sitting on the couch with my mom opposite to me . The reason I am writing this is because for some strange and very "annoying" reason I can't get you out of my head cheesy I know but I genuinely really can't stop thinking about YOU. This funny little situation im in is even more funny because you have no clue in the world about how I feel and almost no one does except for a few friends and cousins and now who ever comes across this post (praying no one from our mutuals see this). Some people may say it's a crush but I know it's more than that I realize how comical that sounds coming form me who has only 16 years of life experience but I genuinely feel that way. I think it would be an understatement and plain right offensive just to call you a crush because this time its so different then other times when I've had crushes but at the same time I can't call you my lover cuz one were not together and two because although I truly like you more than anything I don't think I LOVE you. But it's sooooo extremely different then other times cuz usually im fascinated and obsessed with looks or how they play the piano or how they dress but with you I couldn't care less how u dress or if you can play the piano or not I don't care about how you look I mean I liked you even when you went buzz cut and all so you know for a fact it's different. This time with you the reason I like you is all mixed up it's just "not me" I like you because of the way you tease me and laugh when I pronounce words incorrectly most of the time since the language we speak is not my first language I get the pronunciation wrong and people usually laugh in a way that's demeaning but you , you laugh in a way as though you find my mistake "cute" (might be me just being delulu) and you KINDLY correct my mistake not make fun and correct me as though I'm stupid like how most people do (except baezuali). And when I get tired and sleepy you let me lay on you arms which you didn't have to but you did, you let me draw on your arm despite knowing it could get you in trouble if the teachers saw and despite my drawings being shitt and ofc how can I forget the time when you help me through what I now know was a panic attack you helped me calm my nerves and you help me believe in myself that was really scary I genuinely was so scared cuz i thought i would fail my boards but you helped me and reassured me i still find it hard to talk about to baezuali and giraffe but you it was comforting thank you for being there for me then . And also when I felt that no one would support me or think what I wanted to do with my life was worth doing you supported me you reassured me and help me find the answer I was looking for which is " if I love it enough I should go for it" and when the douchbag of a guy looked down on want I was studying and planning to major in you defended me and helped me stick to what I love . We may never be together and you may never hear me say I love you or like you or even say thank you but at least here i need to say it out and express how truly great full i am to you because you helped me in so many ways, ways in which I may never be able to repay you . You may have just started as a crush but now I'm so glad to say your more I'll always have a special place for you in my heart all the memories we shared will always remain with me . I never want what we have to end but if it does one day i promise everyday I'll continue to pray for your well being , your happiness, your health ,everyday I'll continue to pray you find someone who can be what you were for me , everyday I'll continue to pray for YOU.......... I know this kinda sounds like goodbye but it's not or at least I hope not take this more as an appreciation post for everything you have done

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THANK YOU RR...💕