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[tuuesday]

Kamala’s birth story

My pregnancy was magical.  From the moment it started, with a vision of a nebula, to the moment it ended with the birth of our beautiful little lotus flower.  I had an intuitive connection to the baby from the beginning.  The first pregnancy test I took was negative, but I found that hard to believe because I felt pregnant!  Turns out I was right.  THe planning period naps and irritability were not for no reason! I loved my growing belly, which I rubbed constantly.  I loved that my placenta was posterior which meant I could . feel her flips and wiggles very early on.  I loved that every Monday night at yoga I could look forward to her acrobatics during my savasana.  I loved how I felt, like I was creating this little life and my new best friend.  I loved that I dreamed about her ofter and would wake up feeling like I had “hung out with the baby.”   The baby was always a girl.  I loved that Marley was so intiuitive and knew I was pregnant, curling up by my belly when I had cramps or wanting to lick my baby bump when I was bigger.  She knew someone was growing inside me! I was very lucky with my pregnancy...but this story is about when she finally arrived!

I was 41 weeks pregnant.  I had stayed at work that whole week because I still felt great and wanted to wait until the baby came to stop working--why wouldn’t i when I felt so good? Of course we were walking every day, I was drinking raspberry leaf tea and eating dates, spending my evenings bouncing on a ball (actually my days too--I had one at my therapy table!) and doing all kinds of yoga poses to get the baby moving.  I knew she’d come when she was ready, but it seemed like everyone else was bothered by her not coming out!  Then I realized there was a super moon on December 3, and somehow I knew that’s what she was waiting for. 

December 2 was 41 weeks and 1 day....And Marley would not leave my side all day. I think she knew I was going into labor! Overnight, I woke up early in the morning with a little “leak” and some contractions.  Contractions had been happening while I slept for weeks in the wee hours of the morning.  Marley would come lay with me, but they’d always stop when I got out of bed.  I felt that this was different, but sent Ben to work anyway, telling him I’d text him if it was real labor.

Well, the contractions stopped while I was making breakfast! Still, this felt different.  So I went to walk at the beach and would get some random contractions walking, but nothing too serious.  When I got home, Ben was home and the contractions had picked up....about every 15 minutes, but they werent too bad...what was more concerning was the leaking....my doula said it sounded like my water! The midwife wanted me to come into the hospital, but after talking to my doula and reading some research about what the midwife was worried about (infection! She said I had to have the baby within 24 hours of water breaking), we decided to stick with the original plan and labor at home.  

The contractions werent picking up, so we tried walking, and all sorts of things to get them to come more regularly and closer together.  We marveled at the full moon when walking and knew it would be our last night as a family of 3!  

Finally I moved into active labor around 1 Am the mornign of the 4th.  I was prepared for labor and the doulas came over to assist.  I used the tricks I had in my toolbelt and surprised myself how I handled each contraction....but I was very supported by 2 doulas and an awesome husband! 

As each contraction came, I would stand up and wiggle my hips rhythmically while moaning in low tones to let the energy escape.  My team would give me counter pressure on my back or hand me water or give me a cool rag with essential oils.  I was in my own home which was perfect and just what I wanted.  As they started to get closer together, I let my right brain take over and dictate my actions....looking back, I can only compare it to a drunken night or drug trip.  I was truly out of my mind.  I would ocsillate between labor land and earth, moaning like a cavegirl, then having a coherent conversation.  Looking back, I remembered things that happened in “labor land” similarly to how I would look back on a drunken night.  Remembering once reminded, but not recalling each detail.  

We finally decided to head to the hospital and surprised eveyone that I was 9 cm once we got there! The doula said she did not realize I was in transition because I was just rolling through each contraction.  The midwife had a plan--she said ok girl, get in that tub and then we’re pushing this baby out! We dimed the lights, put Hozier radio on, I got in the bathtub with lavender essential oils and i kept laboring until the midwife told me to start pushing! I started in the tub and they got me out and got me to a bed eventually.

I pushed for about 45 minutes.  The biggest thing I rememeber was Ben coaching me every step of the way.  He said he felt like a boxing coach ringside....I could hear the excitement in his voice and having him talk me through it was a huge game changer.  At the end, I didnt think I could do it.  My doula tapped my chest and told me that I could and then told me anatomically what needed to happen(that the baby needed to come down then up at an angle).  That was what I needed to hear because the very next push she came out!!! They told me they could see her head and that she had so much hair that we could go straight to barettes! 

Immediately after she came out they put her on my chest.  I cried.  Ben cried.  we marveled at her! Then, she latched right away.  I’ll never forget the felling of holding her in my arms for the first time, it was pure magic.  Our little lotus flower bloomed earthside on her own schedule, happily, healthily and naturally.  We were able to do delayed cord clamping and encapsulate my placenta, getting some cool keepsakes and all of our birthplan wishes.  

An experience I’ll never forget!!!

[tuuesday]

Top 10 of 2017

As I sit here with my baby girl nursing....a few things I’m thankful for come to mind

1. Kamala Marie! Born 12/4/2017 at 2:18 pm....She is literally the light of my life and I’m so in love!

2. My healthy beautiful happy pregnancy made me marvel at the wonder of creating a life 

3. Trip to florida....we had just found out we were pregnant and it was a great trip with me ben and marley!

4. camping trip with friends to the mountains. What a great long weekend it was hiking (while very pregnant!), exploring linville gorge, enjoying quality time with friends, cooking, and going down natural water slides!

5. the process of finding out I was pregnant! being irritable, a false negative, knowing I was pregnant and telling ben finally

6. my birthday! we went to the escape room, had a big bonfire/bogracs at our house and it was my last time getting good and drunk before realizing I was pregnant

7. my parents and jimmy coming down for xmas....it was a great time watching my family meet my baby and we had good quality time and nice weather

8. haley’s pregnancy/finding out its a girl! the best things are shared with best friends

9. our gender reveal party--finding out baby was DEFINITELY a girl! Marley told us by running out of the house dressed in pink! I’ll never forget that moment because although I intuitively knew it was a girl from the beginning, I had “old wives tale signs” that it was a boy and people close to me thought it was a boy which had me confused!

10. My baby showers were all so special. This baby was showered with love and I got to see a lot of friends and family that I haven’t seen in a while!

[tuuesday]

Top 10 of 2016

This year was a great one! Usually it takes a bit to come up with 10… But this year I might have more!

1. Adopting Marley 2. Mexico 3. Turing 30,.. 90s party 4. Ny trip 5. Better mental state 6. Whole 30 completed 7. Camping trip with Ben 8. Mountains…. Camping and house 9. Trying! 10. Buying a house 11. Girls camping trip to Jordan lake 12. QT with dad 13. Camping trips! 14. Therapy .. Better relationship 15. Lots of visitors!

16. Launched lotusjourneydesigns 17. Sea turtles!

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[tuuesday]

[tuuesday]

My One Little Word

Trust.

Uh oh, this one’s going to be a doozy, I can already tell.

[tuuesday]

Top 10 of 2015

1. Bday: Crazy night out, dancing on the stage, Beverly was out and girlfriends being silly together

2. Anniversary: Hunting Island. Great anni. trip! Adventure with bub and explored a new place. Much needed

3. Holden Beach: With Alyssa/Gina and boys.  Skinny Dip, Rooftop Dance party, sneaking into pools

4. Hunting Island with Haley/Evan: Great fall time trip...Great weather, great vibes, perfect brunch

5. Yoga Retreat: Fave yoga teacher, QT with Hay/Shann, yoga outside on the bay, sailing.....aaauuummmmm

6. Denver: Fab time with the boone girls, QT, high times, alter egos, hiking, whiskey in fanny pack, snow

7. Mountain Camping Trips: with Hay/Evan and with Ben...Turned out to be great. Even though there were some mishaps.  5 mile loop hike to Hebron (magical!) and to Hanging Rock with Ben....And then my own little 2 mile mission to the high point from the trail leading from our campsite.  I loved that I did that solo!

8. Jordan Lake: Great times with the Sunset Crew: Boat, Beers, fires, we love the lake life.

9. Chapel Hill with Ay: Met this girl after not seeing her for years....Fell right back into our shenanigans and had great pow-wows in our “kinda like camp” dorm room.  Some things never change.  Some friends always will feel like home.

10. NY over summer with fam: Hamptons Summer Dream, Rum night with Alicia, calimari, kayaks, needed that little solo time.

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[tuuesday]

helluva read for this particular d-day

It was a Wednesday afternoon when I walked into Starbucks that day nearly six years ago.  I stood at the bar, waiting for my drink, when the barista politely asked me what I was up to that day.  As it turns out, I was en route to the airport at that moment…about to catch a flight to Italy with my husband.  After a brief minute of chatting, the barista handed me my coffee and wished me a nice trip.  “But then again”, she said “why wouldn’t you…your life is golden!”

I’ll admit…the gold star was nice.  But at the same time, the words knocked the wind out of me.  She wasn’t being rude.  She wasn’t being sarcastic.  In fact, she was being totally genuine.  And that’s the part that really took my breath away.

Because here’s the thing…

This lovely girl saw me for all of five minutes a day.  Usually all dressed up on the way to my full-time job at one of the country’s most prestigious art galleries.  Or with my camera in hand to photograph two people in love.  Or, yes, on my way to Italy for ten days to celebrate my anniversary. This is what she saw.  Therefore, this is what she knew.

And truth be told, there is darkness in this kind of knowledge.  Especially now, when so many of our connections happen only five minutes at a time…fully filtered and perfectly hash tagged.  In our defense though, it’s not entirely our fault.  That battle we’re fighting…those rough days were having…they don’t tend to translate very well when you have twenty people in line behind you for coffee or a hundred and forty characters to spell out your day.

Honestly, what was I going to tell my barista?

“Yes, we’re flying to Europe.  I just miscarried our baby…we had a terrifying health scare…I’m suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder…and we’re feeling pretty far from God right now.  So, yeah, going to Italy seemed as good a place as any to just run away from our life and justifiably eat gelato twelve times a day.”

No.  I wasn’t going to tell her this.  Because shocking total strangers into oblivion is a bit harsh and cruel.  Especially when she’s the girl in charge of making your coffee every day.

But I did spend the entirety of that flight wondering; about our sense of authenticity…our collective vulnerability…our polished identity.  And it made me feel like a total fraud.  Because I’m not any of those things that this girl sees on the other side of her coffee bar.

If I showed up one morning, wearing my most ragged and scarred self…it would be a very different girl staring back at her [and she would likely feel inclined to serve me alcohol instead of coffee!]…

Because I was bullied a lot as a teenager.    

I’m afraid of thunderstorms.

I spend an absurd amount of time worrying about what other people think of me.

My biggest challenge in life is letting go of people.  Even if they hurt me.

I hide behind my humor for fear that people won’t accept me without it.

I feel like I have failed as a daughter.

I try to avoid big groups so that I won’t feel like the invisible one among it.

I'm insanely self-conscious of my smile.

I feel like I’m an easy person to walk away from in life…and it haunts me on a daily basis.

I almost always operate under the assumption that I care more about everyone else than they do about me.

I unfollow people on Instagram if their life seems too perfect because it makes me feel inadequate.

I feel like a terrible mother pretty much all the time.

I hate emptying the dishwasher.

Every day, I’m afraid that my husband is going to wake up and finally realize how much crazy he married.

I thank God for every day that he doesn’t!

I don’t like to try new foods…so I travel with my own jar of peanut butter.

I want to write a book so badly that it hurts.  But I’m afraid of people telling me that my life was never worth telling.

I struggle, every single day, with feeling like I’m enough.  Skinny enough.  Funny enough.  Good enough.

And I cry.  A lot.

I highly doubt I would get a gold star for any of this. But, now, six years later, I do know one thing for sure; that even with all of my frailty…all of my fears…and all my faults…none of those things make my life any less golden.

Scars tell stories.  Scars mean survival.  Scars mean you showed up for the fight instead of running from it.

And we’ve all got them…even the sweet girl serving my coffee.  She’s fighting her own battle…defending her own front line…struggling in her own way.

And maybe it’s not about collecting gold stars for the perceived reality we give the world on Facebook…but it’s about the purple hearts we get for living bravely among the real one.

Because life requires guts…it requires bravery…and it requires vulnerability.

So, buy your coffee…wear your scars proudly…and carry on, dear soldier…

You’re not in this battle alone.

[tuuesday]

30 highlights before 30 (in no particular order)

1/ UNCW

2/ Living in Boone

3/ Backpacking Europe

4/ Teaching English in Hungary

5/ Skydiving

6/ Eloping in Asheville

7/ Camp 4H

8/  Backpacking Eastern Europe with Beni

9/ Franti/Corn Festival

10/ Keeping best friends close

11/ Graduating with a Masters Degree

12/ Road Trip 2010 to NOLA

13/  Several Dingledodie nights

14/ Painter/Creativity

15/ Mountain Climber/Hiker

16/ Camping Proficient...Have left technology behind

17/ Literature Enthusiast

18/ Great drinker/being Bev

19/ danced my ass off all night long many a time

20/ Have visited over 12 countries

21/ Can cook/bake til my heart’s content

22/ Yogi

23/ Successful SLP, child whisperer, behavior manager, teacher, counselor, etc

24/ Wisdom of past lives

25/ Volunteered with DREAMS

26/ Enjoyed many spontaneous trips

27/ experienced true love in all it’s forms

28/ have experienced the following feelings: Really tiny, Really huge, weightlessness, pure adrenaline, freedom, lost, hard work, easy living, karma,

29/ consistent spiritual beliefs that make sense to me

30/ experimentation with many vices, but also have been a vegetarian for 7 years

...that was way easier than I thought it would be!

In process goals....Writing a novel, meditation daily, staying fit

[tuuesday]

Before 30 Bucket List

In the next 7 months, I’d like to complete the following:

1// go on a cruise (or trip during fall break) DC, and camping!

2//plan a 30th birthday trip (yoga retreat?) (in the works-beach trip?)

3//Denver with the ladies       (booked)

4// Figure out how I feel about the D word (10/7-becoming more clear) (12/19--more clear in the opposite direction!)

5//Begin to plan reception....(Or plan a re-bachelorette)

6// Festival (music? yoga? both?) yoga retreat!

7// Make it back to the mountains (asheville? boone? both?)

8// get back into consistent yoga routine M/W baby!

9// Refurbish Tessie’s ring

10// Get your tattoo!!!

11//Puppy!

12//Get a victoria’s secret bra

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Just love this quote. Truth.

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29 for 29?

1. polar plunge!

2. meditate 10 mins/day for 1 month

3. figure out life/marriage

4. 3 vacations (even mini ones!)

5. have a garden! 6. work out consistently

7. anniversary vacay

8. new york

9. get over that thing!

10. 

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2015 Book list

1. The Rosie Project

2. Downward Dog, Upward Fog

3. Yoga, Bitch

4. Om Love

5. The Alchemist

6. The Little Prince

7. A New Earth, awakening to your life's purpose

8. Many Lives Many Masters

9. Slaughterhouse 5

10. The Tao of Pooh

11. The Fault in our stars

12. Yoga Girl