tweehearted

[tweehearted]

And the worst part is that I was fooled into thinking we were the same. There is no sanctity in identity anymore. We aren't united in any way other than skin colour and language. I was never given camaraderie. I was never given compassion. I was never given respect.

I'm so tired of letting my hatred fester within myself only for me to target it inwards. I put myself down because the people around me are horrid and inconsiderate and inhuman. I'm tired of this and I'm turning this energy into something constructive.

I'll never respect them again but I'll treat them with politeness because that is what I value in myself.

[tweehearted]

I feel so betrayed. I'm learning now that my menstrual cycle doesn't make me overreact or overly emotional. It gives me a sense of heightened awareness and clarity that makes me come to conclusions about the state of my life.

I've been betrayed, and I've always had that feeling. There's so much poison in the world, and I can see it for what it is now. I never wanted this in my life. I knew from the beginning these things it would hurt me, and it did, and it stings so deeply.

In this case, I can't say anything to their faces. These people didn't come into my life out of my own choices. These aren't the consequences of my actions, but they serve as a reminder of my circumstance.

Challenge is inevitable, and this is just my challenge bestowed to me. I shouldn't fall at the first hurdle, but the first jump was the most difficult, and I feel like there's still scars from the first time I fell. I should have known. I feel like a fool because I'm so naive.

██████ and █████ are shallow people, and their characters are a reflection of their values. I was such a fool. I can't believe I lost a part of myself to their illusions of joy and indulgence. They're too obsessed with themselves, and it sickens me. It made me sick to my stomach to find out. I shouldn't have let myself become the butt end of their cruelty, but I got too close. I was too curious and I singed myself, but I'm grateful for this revelation because now I know that it doesn't mean anything to me. I hate the plight of attractiveness. I hate the plight of pleasure and hedonism. I can't let myself become like them because there is so much more to me. There is so much more that I can bring into the world. I've seen temptation, and I no longer thirst for it. I'm quenched.

[tweehearted]

i learnt this the hard way this week. fuck attractive people man. their hearts are so poisonous

Everything you do is permissible when you’re conventionally attractive

[tweehearted]

I miss my mama buying me little treats every time we’d go out and I’d always cheekily ask her when I could open the wrappers. I remember asking her if I could eat my treats at the bus stop but she’d say with a smile that they’re for the journey.

[tweehearted]

Im so rotten. It festers within me. I will keep it hidden for now

[tweehearted]

Oh baby Aini I’m so proud of you

Also third day of my GCSEs done

19/23 more exams to go!

Here’s what I’ve done so far:

Re paper 1 – went really well actually. I wrote so fast that I had ten minutes to spare 9/10

Drama C3 - it was okay I guesssss. The questions edexcel gave were pretty bad tho… I tried to write a lot but mediocre performance 6/10

Biology 1 - I’m actually so shocked this went good!!! I’ve always been super shit at science but I was actually so surprised this didn’t go to shit and I could answer every question 8/10

Eng Literature 1 - I have so many mixed feelings! The questions were really. Really. Good but I felt like I had barely any time to write all my thoughts. I write 5 pages for Shakespeare text but only 2.5 for the 19th century text. Praying I get an A (7) at least…. This test really challenged my mental and physical stamina 6/10

[tweehearted]

Holy shit that was a crazy start to the week I’m just so gassed now. I’ve let things go and I’m doing so much better

[tweehearted]

Who would have thought that rejection wouldn’t actually be the end

Reacting to rejection doesn’t mean that I can’t handle it. I guess my initial shock was warranted but I’m doing so well knowing that I have clarity in how I can envision my future realistically

[tweehearted]

I did it finally and it’s everything I wanted to do but I feel physically ill. I was so scared of putting myself out there and I did it and my body feels like it’s gonna shut down. But I needed this. No matter where it goes on from here it doesn’t matter. I fucking did it holy shit

[tweehearted]

Why do I keep justifying people treating me like shit. It’s like I hate myself or something

[tweehearted]

nana (ai yazawa, 2000)

[tweehearted]

I am miserable because there are problems in my life but these problems are from my environment and not a deeper fault inside myself. And even if I was the problem, I can always make my situation better if I do the most compassionate thing for myself and work harder. I can change my environment if I work for it. I can change myself if I work for it. I can’t be lazy because laziness spawns misery.

[tweehearted]

Our differences ruined my life

[tweehearted]

I feel like I’m so caged by the way I was raised and when I saw someone else from my same upbringing abandoning everything we were taught as children I felt so much sorrow. It’s not fair that I’m different from everyone else and I have to carry the burden now by not having that many friends or any social life and they can just lie to my face and do things that I’d never do. They’re infinitely happier than me and I’m always reminded of the misery that I bring upon myself for not being like that. Stop pretending you’re better than me when you’re not and stop letting everyone else believe that and regurgitate the same lies to me. I hate you I hate you I hate you. You never did anything to me but my biggest betrayal was thinking that we were friends.

[tweehearted]

> doesn’t talk to me at all

> so I stop wanting to be friends with them

> I don’t talk to them at all

> they still expect us to be friends???

[tweehearted]

Nothing close to what I need 💔

And in this state of mind You're what I want Nothing close to what I need

-"wasted early sunday morning" by sneaker pimps

[tweehearted]

I want to be happy all the time why are all my posts miseryposting 😭😭😭😭 get me out of this dark time bruh