twentyminutemiso

[twentyminutemiso]

Watching lamar on a black gaming podcast talking about pokemon. It's really interesting seeing the host trying to facilitate the discussion and not having much input. It makes me realise it's not unique to me when I don't have enough opinions or responses to give to lamar it's more like the way he approaches the conversation is quite monologuesque

[twentyminutemiso]

I feel so fried because I've been giving myself extreme dopamine and oxytocin by flirting with insane audacity with M.I.C. I just want to journal to organise my thoughts a bit about things I was trying to do today. I wanted to read over the application for ILCS. Things I already did. Called up the opticians and booked an eye test. Ate dumplings. Posted on social media for Hajar Press. Soaked my laundry. Meditated for 5 minutes. Thought of a plan to do with Ella tomorrow for her birthday. Asked Jack about what time he wanted me to go to bay's leaving drinks. I'm thinking about how Lamar invited me to JME event tomorrow and whether I'll go and that's kinda also giving me a twinge of excitement but it seems a bit tricky if I want to also go to that cypher in central. I was gunna look over the ILCS document / have a think about what I wanted to do for the workshop. Also get back to Kay. I wanna put new sheets on my bed.

Also make a flyer for my birthday. Barriers of: not being sure yet what I am doing in terms of the activity, whether I can afford to pay £200 to book the space, if i would prefer just to go to, like, toby carvery.

I wanna buy birthday presents for Ella and Chiara

Things that have been nice

Anlin sending me a text reflecting on being back on gulangsu (the straight between Xiamen city and gulangyu)

Phoning up Dore as he shows me the ceilings and rooms of his new apartment in Greenwich. He tells me about how he and Rosie will go to a theatre enactment of Dr Strangelove and then also they'll be going to see the opera but in the cinema recorded. Being so filled with love for him because of the way he and Rosie will do kooky queer activities but also very straight laced neighbourino activities.

[twentyminutemiso]

20th August 2023

I had a life changing time with Keith at the lake when I felt a completely different emotion than I had ever felt in a friendship. Last week I told him I needed more verbal affirmation and today we were talking about bomeespirit and how I would probably feel skeptical if she didn't read me when I tuned in. He was talking about how the first video of his he ever watched, she predicted so many things about his life, the planets he had in specific houses, something going on at school and in his relationship, it just seemed she knew him. I felt so amazed by that. It seemed it was meant to be, and he had found his sage in life. I said it was an amazing story and it needed to be a film - Boy finds his spiritual guide in the internet age. I wondered what my sage was going to be I thought. I wished I had mine and thought it would come to me when I wasn't looking. He said that some people need sages in others, but some people are the sages themselves. He said I really knew others and appreciated my understading of what people felt and needed and how to bring them together. I burst into tears because I really needed that. I was thinking this kind of love is such a foreign feeling to me apart from something i might receive from a romantic partner. We came home and watched the new Boots Riley show on Disney Plus which was so good. Keith talked about Kyra and Maya. Maya a Scorpio. Also Kwabs forming the fourth member of their NYC group. Drawing on his masculinity when he moved to Kyra. Knowing it wasn't going to work because he knew something would be missing. Dating a girl called Noma afterwards. A social security for if he ever needed to go back to Nigeria. Feeling glad because she was no sex before marriage. Keith saying he often has to use his sun/masculine energy when he's trying to make an effort and build his community of friends and that his moon/femme is still healing. He was going out on a limb texting Cudjoe who wasn't necessarily going to reply. No messages back since half hour after their class was over.

Just now I was thinking about what my mum felt about whether she was doing a good job with me with the low self esteem person I am. I was thinking any doubts she has might come to her randomly through her days without being expressed to me (maybe to her friends and to dad?). I thought I might as well ask her because what's more beautiful than two people understanding each other.

[twentyminutemiso]

April

Rugby with mumsy. Melis wedding. Chatter with new yorker italian teresa. Belly dancer. Duck/lamb/tarts three course. Beige food in the evening. His friends are all married.

Warwick castle. Going through my opinions with mum all the way home on how she crushed my confidence. She’s upset and minimises my feelings (you are choosing making it larger than it is) but she says at least i can express it. Feeling a bit lighter

Museums tech conference. Rachael’s cute haircut. Barbican in the sun

[twentyminutemiso]

Also this post on fatigue and days off meds: https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/10ocysw/comment/j6dvhxf/

[twentyminutemiso]

Time to feel good about myself because it is the end of the year! What have I done that has made me grow?

Putting my mind to creative things that felt impossible a year ago

Applied for and got ACE for a project that is completely original and independent

Making ZINES again!!!!!!

Reaching out to people about what I’m passionate about

Writing for editorial platforms with original ideas

Writing for myself for fun

Getting therapy

Thinking reflexively about my habits and approaches

Paying attention to what’s important and what’s beautiful in life

Spending time reflectively and intentionally with my family

Working hard at my hobbies of sewing

[twentyminutemiso]

Looking at my calendar to try and journal. Got a sound bath playing off youtube on my phone. Today I thought I have felt quite disengaged this week, like everything’s moving a bit too quickly and I don’t really know what’s going on. Journalling’s gunna make me be more in the moment. I’ve been telling everyone to go and use grid diary. A lot of evenings I’m too tired to answer the prompts though. Sometimes it’s good to do a proper session and reflect back on what’s been really good this month.

I haven’t called my grandma since the last time I wrote.

Worked on the article for Huck and it was fun to interview the guys. Rosie not responding to my email and my brain keeping on disturbing me when I remember I need to get her to reply to me. I will give her a ring and chase it down.

Brain also disturbing me about Aqsa. Brain disturbing me about the poster for Jane (not a problem anymore).

Having really nice ideas at the Inspiration Day for Untold Edmonton, thinking about radio and a music project and walking down Fore Street and wondering about Mode. Thinking I could do some great interviews (I’m a listener and I’m good at asking questions)

More November stuff

getting on meds, telling all the family, mixed reactions

coming out to kevin at the beehive, thinking about being more intentional

Dore’s house and colombian food, Chibi Robo gamecube vids, Mario Party cos Rosie got some software to pirate all the Wii U games, colombian hot chocolate

June’s 1st anniversary oestrogeneration party, measuring the mililetres of Alice’s beer that they  asked me and Dessa to look after, Ahmed Jama’s lychee tequila lime soda, i’m coughing, bumping into Elliot downstairs with Josiah, feeling that it was very chill and fine to see him as indeed I anticipated, sharing my aero bar with Tra My’s friends

Wellcome with Marianne and she had a wonderful outfit on walking in with the scarf on her head, looking at a picture of cartoon characters holding hands and then as a delayed response I offer my hand and she doesn’t get it, she gives me a peanut candy when we’re having te

Catford Cricket Club, being knackered and Albert and Vix asking me what’s up, Letty and Halimo, bread on a bench next to the corner shop with Ruby and I paid £9 for the bread, she kept asking how my halloween was because she saw me for 5 minutes. I’m thinking now whether cis bisexual girls/straight girls just don’t think about me that much. And that’s why Marianne hasn’t really texted me.

[twentyminutemiso]

Wednesday

LMA from 11 til 5.30 and sitting in the big room

Lee and a burger and looking at goodreads on their phone as it’s chucking down with rain in the smoking area and 2.5 pints of ipa and getting caught again rain on walk home and clothes soaked

Thursday

Got my adhd diagnosis. Asked me whether i was patient when queueing and waiting for things, if i got up out of my seat if i had a motor driving me that gets worse the longer i am still. Do i interrupt conversations, do i get into and drop relationships, how easy to complete tasks with many elements, how is my memory, do i lose my belongings. Asked for examples of everything in adulthood and childhood each.

LMA and sitting in the room where tom and jack usually work eating my bhaji sandwich and bananas

Meeting with sage was really productive

[twentyminutemiso]

October

New river studios with MB, tabs, ruby, munesu, me, alice, alex, june, siam, jamie, munesu’s white friend?

Park Chan wook in angel with Jami and she’s talking about her first day of the course

Boiler room with pat and munesu and their house again

Amani play, seeing bam bam and ben again

hanging out with mat talking about nature, consciousness, video games, sound design, and eating ice cream and dr oetker

walking and standing at the UFFC protest with oshanti

driving with kay zaahid and han to jeng’s for book club and making our pizzas and the pizzas falling apart

Cartoons party at freygabs, zaahid is mickey, keith is tanjiro demon slayer, han is stephen universe, kay is a character from tuca and bertie, francesca is zorro

dore’s birthday and awkward banter that i love with all the transexuals: dylan and his boyfriend, rosie who is an amazing clown who shows me a toy tree trunk and metal minatures (badger with a hat), dore’s teacher friend and her gf, a cute person called daisy who wears a riot gear helmet, an american dude dressed as a mole with long claws looks amazing

at home eating crab noodles with mum and then having tomato and tofu skin stew and steamed fish with garlic spring onion oil on the top and finishing off the crab legs and we are trying to set up the sonos speaker and mum’s talking about where people have gone to out of her colleagues, some oxford street

Monday

Jamila at school, doing my project emailing and I’m reading for uni

Rosie, James Thormod, Errol and Andre from the film at LSA, a stush head of school, rain pouring down on the way there and I’m texting Luke the whole time

Today

date with Pat who is really cute and soft and silly and we’re watching youtube on the pillows, coffee (double espresso with water and oat milk) and a caramel swirl at the cafe, Pat goes to Ellis Brigham with me. telling Pat I wanna take it slow because I dont talk about myself enough and I don’t want another relationship with someone who doesn’t know me that well. Actually thinking about it now maybe I just want to fuck a bunch of other people so I need to have time spare. It’s all linked I suppose.

calling Bella, who was in Malmo for 2 weeks and in Copenhagen for the following 2 weeks and it has been extended because Yancey is doing visa stuff.  Feeling shitty because their husband Nelli is doing really bad with depression right now and needs immediate help. Back this sunday and I can go over if the care schedule aligns. They have been watching cartoons every day.

[twentyminutemiso]

Below is pasted from notes on September 2022 Los Angeles trip:

Dish soap Big water Cleanser Wound wash Towel Cash More milk Toilet roll £7

Shirley’s ihg number 430953641

Extraordinary attourney wu - netflix Mr queen

Go pocha Jay jay gastropub Studio city Venice canals Halloween horror night universal

G eazy no limit 1975 and gods plan in shirleys car

Poopourri Botanical curtain Fluffy pink headgear Verbena handwash Goldfish tank

Prawn ceviche Oyster shot Eggy cream with cinnamon Amanda’s eyes are red and watering because someone’s chopping onions

Do you wanna see my garage A tiny pink set with a pink bar and pink glasses on it A cockroach with cowboy boots She hands me a pair of inline skates, do you know how to rollerskate?

Amanda’s eyes are still watering Bo makes angie and cesar a sandwich each and he makes me a sub with a banana and cheese and orange slices in it Angie has stomach cramps and doesnt want to come to goodwill

A tiny light blue grandma dress with doilies on it for amanda but it’s for children Phil collins playing in goodwill

Does bo want to get ice cream. Pumpkin pie flavor. Lemon flavour for amanda. We’re dropping off jade how long until we get there? 3 minutes 1 2 3 we’re not there yet. No you have to count to 60 three times. Where’s my road it’s the left or the right i forget. Two okay signs in the sunshine

Los alcos plaza Melrose avenue Go rollerskating at the beach with amanda

Ben and joyce at the korean restaurant. Ben’s english but he tells me he’s really thrown by an asian person with an english accent. He also met a french chinese person recently and that blew his mind too. Joyce is a pretty korean american with her hair dyed light brown. She swears kookily and calls you bitch in not a completely authentic way.

Velvet sofas. A pair of bears reading in bed.

A crack in the window in the shower ktown. Sunny yellow building roofs palm trees satellite dishes.

Cool burger place chinatown vinyl flooring hipsters in window lots of picture frames breakfast sandwich restaurant called amboys

Older guy purple hat check shirt camo pants dog boombox hanging in right hand playing street fame waking kinda hunched

John chamberlain and larry bell The first foam contorted bodies the other mirrored glass cubes “west coast minimalism”. A small foam like a conch shell.

Mika rottenbeeg. A tractor plows the ground close up thundering. Gelatine tubes candy coloured slicing oddly satisfying. Plop. Water steams off metal surface. Tubes slap slap slap slap poke poke. Salt salt. Rotating hexagons like a gear turning. hun mming like a didgeridoo back of the space shuttle. Mongolian throat singers. Pink candyfloss melts red on the metal like bloody goo. Red outfit on mongolian. Kind of like educational childrens videos

Ppl browsing a 2 dollar store

Interactive sculptures ponytail flicks and plants go up and down and LED light grows cress

An eighties powersuited woman with a blow dry opens doors through liminal colourblocked office rooms and a soap bubble quivers and dips

Ppl in boujie gallery understand the british water request

Mazda miama

You owe shirley twenty for the dinner

My phone number 6263713004

Art picks me from a dark creepy san marino street. Most expensive place in all of LA, you can’t get away from crime anywhere.

capital_a_la Thursday Sunset rooftop - say art’s name Sunday - boardwalk venice beach Friday South central

Everyone wants to be friends here

Aiyi hands me a persimmon while I’m zooming. I leave the desk. We eat jujubes, crisp and bright white inside, green skins. and a chilled avocado and the persimmon skinned and quartered. I was peeling it and she said i was being wasteful so she peels it instead. She gives me an apple from costco.

I’m so excited that ive driven myself to cvs i feel untouchable. Is this self actualisation

Steve Lacy plays again on Kiss on the way to Paru’s place.

Get to Paru’s place, bart simpson pinata. Books. Sitting on the tatami. Little pea chips, a rice cake with kiwis and blueberries and coconut. Peanuts, small bowls set down gently from a tray. Water (with ice!!!). Paru plays us two songs, ones a space vibe, beepy with guitars that their mentor put over the top. Their voice is really good. Making bao with clay. Drying from the lacquer. They laugh say it seems to be the dumb creative phase they’re currently going through.

Tora i

At the art show. Hard seltzer. Very cute bartender boy with braces. Gives me apologetic smiles every time I ask for something because they don’t have it. We see Jem inside with her friend, Austin, a Korean fashion design boy who works for Levi’s she’s met 2 days ago at Byredo where she works. They went swimming at his hotel pool and today they went to a Nike party and Austin was the only one not wearing Nike. Jason comes to meet us because he has a crush on Jem and it only takes him like 5 minutes to get there. 30 dollar pizzas and we eat it family style. A pappardelle with ragu and I love it. Austin flirts with me and i’m technically flirting back cos I keep smelling his wrist, until I get slightly uncomfortable and then I’m trying to angle my body towards Paru. He’s a little more drunk than everyone else and has a rich international boy aura.

We’re in Virgil village. Jason and Paru realise they’re barely two blocks away from each other. You see that duplex? I’m on the left one. We pass a taco place that’s just been trying to start up. Paru wants to see what’s up with Jason and Jem and he should text her if he has some thoughts and he says let us know if we’re going to her show on Sunday.

Guangchangwu and fantuan and soy milk in garvey park. Kiki doesn’t make noise. She’s a quiet baby. Shirley says rubbing Kiki’s belly.

LACA

22.50 ramen

Root beer cheese burger lemon wedge with my ice tea.

Go utah its crazy

Four storey high fountains in echo park. Man fishing and ellaella says it’s like putting down a community lot in the sims and the townies come. Woman unbuttoning shirt and puts hubbys hand onto her breast and she’s gripping his arm. Lotus flowers on the corner of the pond.

Things i read at heavy manners Sunday in the park with boys - jane mai - depressed schoolgirl comic. Drawings of objects for titles. Bartkira. Steps and colors in the outer sunset (sf)

Passing by the heavy petting woman

Cotton on jungle park jc penney forever 21 macy’s.  Fashion nova store

An angel called osh at the tattoo store.

Nina molloy paints a copper koi on a panoramic ghostly blue canvas in a sheer green square pond with copper lily pads. Tidawikney lek’s napping girl in on the sofa with creeping hands and flower prints on the sofa and real flowers and a tiny island in the sunset through the balcony door and palm trees because i’m in LA. Dominique fongs orange deep dea diver in swampy water with many limbs holding vines catching fish but is she a statue covered in life spearing some fish. Bambou gili ghostly diners with summer rolls duck dark space.

Peach and black tea kombucha in a millenial brewery venture

Aunty brings a handful of pineapple guavas. Talking in the kitchen about taiwan, not liking tourism but liking driving around america because of the freedom, doing 100 miles stretches at a time and feeling relieved to see a petrol station, visiting a friend in colorado, going to yellowstone with her friend, not finding a hotel, deciding to go camping instead

Boba photoshoots at the library, Mariah in the car, windy on venice beach. Peas and feathery leaves on the street trees. Polly pocket houses. Wearing my rolex and mina rolls down the window and does a cheesy british radio announcer voice. Doja. 70s cinema and cringe rubbish bin act.

The red lion tavern. Cigarette vending machine. The smiths to die by your side. Green box of american spirit menthols. Never seen straights

Owe felix 50 for the baseball tix

Coffee Water Butter Bread Oil Batteries

Mina making blueberry pancakes. Gecko on the tree stump.

On the tram ella says it feels like when they go to westworld, getting off its like entering scientologist hq. Tinkling and euphoric music like the sims. Cy twombly exhibtion. Greek god names scratched into paint and written with oil pastels with urgency. A carnivalesque painting by belgian charles ensor and a guy has a chode face. Kampoinge. Three children long shadows on a new york street turned 90 so their shadows are vertical. Watching a video of rye crawling in the garden in edmonton while im looking at art.

… Who sanctions this violent dismemberment- Reaps the barren, crusty smell of denial- Archaeological masks, drums, look clumsily On museum walls

Hung twisted awestruck Witness to this absurdity

Louis Draper Camera magazine july 1966

Ballroom neon lights at the urban outfitters in downtown. Car trunk table for dining in the pa ord parking lot.

Eames house. Fittonia? Purple leaves with green edging. Mina notices.

Traffic loud on the road by santa monica. Three helicopters and we look up at each one. Teenage boys ask mina for squad pics. Three angles a serious one and a silly one and squatting. Purple building lights coming back from the toilet. An apartment block like a covent garden soup.

Pier. Cheesy guitar players. Northern chinese family with camping chairs fishing off the end of the pier. One mad one with four rods. Lettering man bumping guangchangwu tunes. Rasping aero smith in rusty’s bar.

Smokey robinson then dangelo cruising. Picking up ella’s hoodie from LA apparel the most gta scene yet.

At Watts Towers whose construction materials include ten thousand sea shells. 99ft cos city hall was 100ft. Simon loved hearts. Sankofas as well. Four year old girl sundress in gaps between white chairs still sunny. Kouman kele west African dance company

Outside seven eleven getting white claw for our night out, two chinese bros scratching their scratchcard on the car bonnet.

Dodgers, walking from top deck to centrefield because they had to put the bags away. Felix and nadia. Luke had to run to theater rehearsal. Didnt get my hotdog. Steward with a colourful beaded necklace tells me i’m not shy.

One piece playing on the tv in the japanese restaurant we went to pee in when me and mina are walking from the bus we got from Night+Market, to Felix’s. Hello kitty lipbalm in family mart.

Mina photoshopping me and ella into a picture of the beach, ella giving opinion

At the huntington library exhibition olde english vibes and ella says i love it when the letter s is the f. Square japanese courtyard garden bonsais around the perimeter. Wooden hut. Wooden bridge over the creek slosh slosh moss rocks glimmering. So many different biomes we’ve enjoyed today ella says it looks like legend of zelda. Sitting down on concrete bench and ella bobs around taking different angles of the Japanese gardens and saying wtf.

Beautiful multicoloured tins of coffee trader joes.

Kylie can’t get you out of my head in the sunset.  I love you wittle turtle boy everybody goes slow. <3 theres holes in the los angeles life. Pizza and bagels and sleet. (Not that much grass) bonnie tyler. Cant fight this feeling while driving in the night.Tacos at the place near Luke’s. Later on, I find out from Mina that they are discussing how our date is going and Felix is looking at Luke on find my friends and laughing because Luke’s getting tacos next to their house (assuming they are alone)

Karen on kost fm extremely lovely and sentimental.

Sad on the Flyaway, tired but trying to keep my eyes open so i make the most of this place. Palm trees and cars cruising on the freeway next to me always cars and the flyaway is the fastest. Aircon blasting.

Piccadilly back to the ends.  Listen to clairo to heal the pain. The west london terraces are okay. Memories of car journeys and bar conversations swirling. Kind of beautiful to notice the place you live even if you’re sad.

Fawziyah posts a story about unrelaxing into city life. ‘Being present is the meeting point between holding on and letting go’

[twentyminutemiso]

Over the summer I’ve missed out a bunch of journal entries because I started writing in grid journal, I started writing in substack, and I’ve been having mad crazy amounts of fun on holidays in Paris, Greece, and for pretty much the whole of September in Los Angeles which I will never forget for my whole life because it is the happiest I have ever been I think. First catching up:

July, August, and thoughts on the plane to LA 2022

[twentyminutemiso]

May

bbq at home and feeling so full of love that i couldn’t stop crying and i told everyone it was just hayfever

June

weeding the front yard, vision fm and the RIPs, rampage and then a shoutout from heartless crew on 1xtra, chicken curry, doing my chores, watching june’s beautiful conversation with kei barnett over zoom with raks, thinking how she wants to talk about her brother all the time and my mother never wants to talk about her sister

a walk in grovelands with cooper mum and dad, me driving, holding hands with mum, bangers and mash and a whole sausage for cooper, pork belly, moules frites, cocktails, sainsburys with mum so i could use the 5p petrol voucher, magic fm, mum tells us that the boss of loon fung lives on that road

dinner with anlin, she gives us the long awaited ending to her mariano fiasco, he said he had a girlfriend. but she’s pretty happy with how the friendship has ended up.

climbing with kay and kirstin and feeling pumped, nicking the hire shoes, hearing about kirstin’s goss with lux, attempting the blue problem that i had my eye on with kay last time and really not being able to get it, ella’s AA party, talking nicely with raj, kiera and nick. a banana and a packet of chickpea wotsits, me wearing my sports dyke outfit, jenna bought me an asahi. thinking that nick is so lovely. mcdonald’s then kfc in a windy courtyard with victoria, zaahid and anna

chicken soup with elliot, snacks on the way to the shop, a bottle of red, two episodes of love island, hair twirling, a hand between my thighs, estimated time before arrival of guests, kissing et cetera, sweet words and belly button fucking, a phone call interuption, pumping up the airbed with really annoying persistent squeaking noises and not being able to keep myself from giggling

after work at le pain, a cigarette with christiana who’s smoking an electronic device and she says it’s amazing and it smells like fart. telling me and monika her parents love story (food wholesaler colleagues, city girl village boy), going to edmonton so that i can dye mum’s hair, mark’s got a job at oxford street, maryam’s applied to lakeside but sharon says they’re way too racist for her to get the job and she cries

a muted time with liza at st anne’s, not speaking much, holding hands and hugging, taking the long walk back while i eat my sainsburys sandwich

JCWI and remember and resist, talking to a bunch of kids, talking to the organisers and to the community centre people

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March

timi’s birthday, was i flirting with eric not sure, feeling a little sad i didn’t talk to rachael as much as i could have, them ones when you’re the least shy there? though i was surprised about that, all centre with mikayla, going to get chicken

catford thing with nick joe ella kiera ruby jet, will bankhead played and a lot of hype men around the FLL crew, dancing a lot to funky, heidi loving the dub, was i flirting with oscar yeah probs but he was into me

jami and the last time i ever spoke to jessie on the phone, she was talking about her injections, she said she was carrying on, she asked me about work, what did i say about rye?

dinner round alice’s house with june and raks, raks made the pasta

vietnamese on a cycle ride with han and we talk about school days

a skate in lloyd park with han, gains, pizza, chicken and chips, san pelli

batman with dore

mothers day week, sketch with rye, other wasian babies, a string quartet and mum asked if the girl was chinese, liberty’s and browsing baby clothes of course, columbia road

afghan place in north west with han kay and bella

April

 100 day celebration for rye

Lao Li’s funeral,

freya’s birthday karaoke

babysitting rye and being so happy

[twentyminutemiso]

I’m in Wood Green with Dore and I’ve ordered the second Five Guys I’ve had in two weeks. I get a hot dog this time, with cheese, onions, relish, and mustard. I’m wavering for a second because there are three sizes of chips and I feel like even the small chips are enough for two, but I’ve never been the one ordering them before, only the hanger-on of someone else’s. I gamble and get the small chips.

Dore’s peeking all around because he doesn’t want to run into his students, who go to an institution near Ally Pally. We’re on high alert because Vue’s stuck notices all around for the Batman screenings, specifying that only cinemagoers with ID proving they’re over the age of fifteen will be allowed in to see the film. Dore knows this is because Wood Green is at the intersection of four schools all populated with superhero-hungry teenagers. When I first see the notices, I have to confront the idea that, even though it hasn’t happened in about a decade, I might be turned away from the cinema. After all, the guy in Whole Foods did tell me I looked about fifteen when I was trying to buy some cans the other day.

[twentyminutemiso]

21st March

I’m at Chestnuts Park with Jamila who’s half an hour late. She brings me a Rubicon juicebox at my request so it’s all forgiven. We ask “how are you’s” and touch on miscoordinated plans (Thursday she was all over the place because she’s on a residency but needs to see everyone while she’s in town. I missed out on takeaway at my brother’s place because I wanted to stay home and watch Netflix — he’s newly joined fatherhood). We’ve already launched headfirst into a conversation that feels like conducting a handful of missiles.

“I just became an aunt too and the parents named the baby after the new kryptonite.”

I’m quiet, waiting for the wording of my question to formulate.

“Oh wait, I meant new kryptocurrency. She’s called Solara,” she throws in before I manage anything. I feel the creak of a laugh coming on. “They think they’re so frickin cool....”

I’m cracking up and Jamila feels she needs to clarify. “No I’m not kidding, that’s really her name.” Being Jamila’s company is like running next to a cyclist or motorcyclist. She has an interesting life, usually has a couple of creative projects on the go, and my suburban kid brain has difficulty tracking family members and whereabouts. I forget if she had siblings, which I feel like is a basic detail to know about a friend who I’m fairly close with. “Whose baby is it?” (it’s her cousin Xavir’s). I end up phrasing my questions circutuitously to avoid sounding inelegant. When Jamila talks about “the 7 of us” who were closest growing up, I ask “...so that’s you, Xavir, Xavir’s brother, and your three siblings?” She corrects me, but I’m not sure I receive a conclusive answer about my sibling mystery. If pressed the answer I would submit would be that she is only child.

We talk a little about Xavir, a rapper, who has some good songs she says, and I go to play them off my phone. I agree. The lyrics are quite introspective, not that I understand since they’re in German. It’s clear they love each other a lot but that doesn’t stop her dragging him. She makes a comment and I fall back into the grass with laughter, kicking my legs. Again this happens, she elaborates on why he’s a fool, I fall back.

Jamila’s got a red flower, it was on the ground and she picked it up on her way here. It’s quite a grandiose looking one, petals are wide. I wanna say it’s a hibiscus but to be honest I’m only certain of how the emoji version of a hibiscus looks. It’s 17 degrees and sunny so we do a small photoshoot with the flower, our two cartons of mango juice, and her packet of Walkers Sweet Chilli Sensations, which she’s really excited about eating again after three-odd years. I ask what’s in store for the long term and she says, with dramatic emphasis, that she’s moving back.

“I’m so gassed!” she says. My heart feels nourished when my European friends speak Londonese.

“My dad always used to bring these when he visited us, these and Cadbury bars.” She’s glowing from occupying a bit of ground and being shone on by the sun in the world’s best city ever (this opinion my own). We don’t solidify any further hangouts for the week but when we part ways I tell her I look forward to seeing her soon.

[twentyminutemiso]

Monday 14th

Soas library mostly just writing to erec and pitching out my chiyin text. Pub with ella catching up, i was drinking pineapple juice cos i was still hungover. She told me about her disso which is about brixton splash and she encouraged me to do some oral history. A quiet evening reading with zaahid with an ominous waterfall video.

Tuesday 15th

Gardening, tidying my room, listening to music, eating leftover pasta, going to jam in a jar, shopping in the vintage shop in turnpike lane finally. I need to go to penang satay house cos ella told me they went for joe bday. Another reading evening, finding a good text with adhd tips posted by jlte, starting to get into grid diarying.

[twentyminutemiso]

11-13th

Texting chiara, getting ready for pxssy palace, venting to han and zaahid about what chiara said to me. I feel quite disappointed and annoyed about her defensive reaction, which seems to have limited empathy, she wasn’t putting herself in my shoes. But she’s preoccupied with her relationship so she might not have time for other people’s shoes. Can’t help but feel that’s so boring. I want to be a good friend but not sure how much i can intervene

Taking several hours to get into my korra costume, playing hinky pinky with zaahid and han on the train, attractive proactive, type A personality, han forgetting their ID and going home, me being smashed already from half a bottle of that lidl vodka, two patron shots, a ‘pussy juice’ for me and for mina (mina’s birthday), mina being sasuke’s brother, saw afi shani khadija jasmine darlington bilan ray. Sin kai wan complimented my outfit and said they were tony leung. Anairin took a video of me. At least 4 people recognising who i was. 2 asking if i was katara and 1 asking if i was chun li. Going home hink pink, zaahid made caramelised banana pancakes.

Throwing up and being in bed all day saturday with han and zaahid caring for me. Going to amber’s party with her walthamstow mates who always nourish me with their secondary school banter. Jamilla, thomas, aasiyah, amber and al-husain catching up on the gossip between their schoolmates. So and so is pregnant now, also that tiny boy (motioning with a hand at waist level to indicate small stature) who tried to shoot his shot in amber’s twitter dms. Amber’s mum splitting up with her stepdad and she’s moving back to their house so it’ll be amber george and her mum. Vanessa’s friend who has a boyfriend called pro (very sunnily clarifying Professional) and she identified, like amber, as a lesbian with a boyfriend (‘there are many of us’)

Thursday 10th

SOAS, meeting Anna for a steak sandwich, the Soane museum, feeling the start of summer.

Jeng and Kaitlene came round, I didn’t stay because I went to see piglet at avalon cafe. Beautiful harmonies and a saxophonist. Two mancunians(?) theo and hester. Two people in the warmup band, osian and a dude with a curly bob. Running to get the bus.

Sunday 14th

Mina’s birthday party and it’s funny cos the two demographics shes a part of are gay Asians and gay northerners

A walk through covent garden to reach the southbank. Finding dad’s spot. Feeling emotional walking through the piazza and something about making me cry. Occasionally do cry when I think of my dad these days, probably because I miss him but there’s something more than that. This specific past iteration of my dad in covent garden triggers my emotions more than when I see him. It must be like how kevin cried about grandad being senile but wouldn’t hang out with grandma even though we were all in China. It comes from something sore inside ourselves rather than only something about the other person. Mum, dad and kevin don’t really vocalise things that upset us. They try to put them out of their minds. Afterwards when I called dad he said the thought of going back there made him want to rage, which probably is part of why I was sad too. I’m very sentimental and I don’t like the thought that something that was a big part of us is gone now. I told him it’s pretty good that he managed to get 20 years out of it. To be honest what street performer today would be able to get a mortgage off their earnings?

Rachel, elete, sandy, christine, audrey. Bumping into naila and rojda. Sonia Jeunet. Was happy to catch sight of edi as i walked out. For ages talking to micha’s sister paz’s friend who goes to soas who had an upset with a tiramisu date who changed his hinge profile AFTER agreeing they were dating exclusively.