twentytoolate

[twentytoolate]

I’m working on being contented with what I have. A fabulous lover, a rescued dog, a beautiful fully-furnished apartment, a job that okay and could suck more - wish I didn’t have to work until 2am, but I want more.

These past few days I haven’t felt well or right. I puked a few times, and stayed inside even though the weather was beautiful, and I think that affected me in some way. I’ve been eating terribly as well. Probably have gained maybe five pounds from stress eating. I know it’s time to do better.

[twentytoolate]

Some secrets are best kept.

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you totally deleted/blocked the shit outta me on FB but if you check on here - tell your mother to stop harassing me. It’s fucking weird. @teenage-pity-party

[twentytoolate]

either careless with your actions, your women, or didn’t care at all about me

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sometimes you just got a broken fucking heart from a lot of people and things

and there’s not much you can do about it

[twentytoolate]

Nothing

I was told by someone

of course you will find love in everything

make love of everything

make love to everything

You’re a person of emotion, capsizing on the worst and best occasion

Poetry has given me a life of fantasy

of which none can come true

[twentytoolate]

I’ve been in love 

for almost five years 

but you never seem 

to be feeling the same way back

I cannot keep giving 

the hours of the day 

falling over your absences 

but when I start giving up 

you draw me right back

It’s a game of mouse and cat 

where you’re distracted 

and occasionally pounce

It is all such a 

big

gigantic

trap

I cannot keep running this wheel

I cannot keep tripping my whole way back

[twentytoolate]

So the a few days ago I did something rather impulsive - like telling some person I’ve had class with that they can come to a concert with me. This results in me cancelling with the person I was initially going to go with. I thought hey, maybe new friends, new opportunities, do something different.

So I did and we went, and it was nice to begin. He said he never been to a punk show, we drink a little before going in, we have nice conversation about politics, writing, lifestyles. He tells this story how he “got arrested” but not really because he was a white guy from a rich neighborhood and was in a gated off community. Right.

I’m kind of like, explaining that often times people take for granted the life they have regardless of scenario and he claims that he hates being from a rich family - because you know, all the stress of “conformities.”

Right...

Then we decide for another drink - lets have a shot - just one? Double shots. Of what? Tequila. Hm I wonder what they have. Just get the cheapest. Oh I usually drink hsjhfsbf. What’s that? Some expensive fancy tequila. Hm oH. Yeah I should just start drinking cheaper stuff.

Ard, and it’s really not about tequila or anything like that, but I like tequila a lot and this guy probably knows top shelf tequila because of his stupendous funds. From his family. Of course he can be a writer/poet/comedian when he doesn’t have to pay bills.

This elitist shit kind of gets to me when he asks what beers they have (at a concert venue, what the heck do you think they have) and thinks it’s so interesting that they have Rolling Rock. Says he hasn’t drank it since freshman year. I drank it probably within the last year, because ya know, cost effectiveness. Alcohol is alcohol is alcohol.

So continuing on, we go to see part of the first band, and the crowd isn’t too in to it because it’s the first band that’s a little bit no-name but still good punk music. I’m jamming a little bit, regardless. And this guy starts saying how the band sucks. uh ok, nice opinion. Says, let’s make this more interesting - wut - and decides to try to make out with me.

First band. What the heck, it’s not even that lit in here yet for spontaneous make out sessions, and I pull away and it’s weird, and he keeps trying to do a weird grinding thing like we’re dancing/making a note to the audience that he’s claiming me as his. Anyway it’s fucking weird, and I move away to just stand next to him.

Idk, maybe it would have been better if I was crazily into him but this was a more friend-lets-see-how-it-goes event and perhaps you can be placed on a scale of would/would not hang out again. Besides thats way too forward, and way too much drunken confidence, and I’m a person who likes to live with spontaneity and fun - but I don’t like that touchy shit when I hardly know you. I’m not affectionate unless you’re someone really special. AND IF I TRUST YOU.

So he keeps trying to do this grind this, grabbing my butt, putting his hand on my lower back, and I keep tensing up or moving so it’s apparent i don’t like it - arms folded, etc.

Second band comes on, same shit, and it’s these people who obviously just sold more tickets to place not first, more boy-band, they look cute/hot, and so people like them more. He thinks this band is better. I’m not interested.

He tries to make out again, I move away, again, after like a courtesy few seconds to not embarrass this dude in a crowd. I’m not mean.

Anti-Flag comes on - finally. I kinda can tell that this guy is wondering what the fuck is this girl’s POV on rich people and the government / stupid guy ASSUMPTIONS about girls that like this kind of music. Like it’s for show or something, I don’t entirely understand.

So I distance myself away because there’s a mosh pit and it’s fun, also not into the guy. There’s a guy who seems to be by himself also moshing/standing next to me. One of those weird feelings that you’re both conscious of each other being solo people in the crowd, so you’re doing that weird peripheral glance/occasional look over type things. Then, like Justin Sane was aware of this says to meet the person on your right/person on your left, and we meet. It’s chillin, we continue to mosh. The other guy finds me, and I introduce them, we all go for a cigg and a drink, I go to the bathroom - at this point the asshole says “lets ditch this guy” - to which I say “wtf” but am walking away - and i come back to find the new guy gone.

Reel Big Fish goes on and I try to avoid the asshole the whole night - but am befriending the new guy in the skank-pit again, and also see another friend I haven’t known for a while. The new guy says “Can I have your number if I don’t see you? You’re friend doesn’t like me” ((((note: during anti-flag he asked if the asshole was my boyfriend to which i said no, simply a friend from writing classes))) And I say yeah sure - wait did he say something?

YEAH- APPARENTLY THIS ASSHOLE TOLD THIS NICE YOUNG PUNK TO BEAT IT OR HE’D FIGHT HIM.

what the heck, so I’m disgusted. Asshole tries to find me, puts arm around me and I dodged that shit and pushed him away like he was a fucking snake - which he is.

and so, I’m moshing around, having a good ole time falling and skanking, going nuts, this new pal is hanging around we’re pushing each other once in a while in all good fun. And then I’m just like, dwelling in how shit this asshole was, and turn to the new guy at the last song of the set and say “hey I’m leaving, wanna come to an after party?” And he’s like yeah sure! We duece and have a fun time at the party which he tries no bullshit and we simply exchange a hug goodbye, and he integrates himself into the party and everyone thinks he’s cool and not a weird asshole.

Not bad.

I told my dad about this and he said “good, he was an asshole, leave that fucker.” :) must be proud of me.

[twentytoolate]

Go forwards . Not backwards

[twentytoolate]

poetry has given me a life of fantasy

none of which can come true

[twentytoolate]

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[twentytoolate]

― Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) Clementine: I’m always anxious, thinking I’m not living my life to the fullest, taking advantage of every possibility, make sure I’m not wasting one second of the little time I have.

[twentytoolate]

there is paradise in doing what feels right

there is also a trap

called a love that knows it’s place

[twentytoolate]

My body aches for what it cannot have

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[twentytoolate]