twinfantasymtf

[twinfantasymtf]

gurer'f n xavsr va orgjrra gur yvivat ebbz pbhpu phfuvbaf V pbhyqa'g oevat zlfrys gb hfr. naq V pna'g or shpxrq gb tb ergevrir vg. V'yy qrny jvgu vg gbzbeebj. hfvat n xavsr vafgrnq bs enmbeoynqrf znxrf zr guvax V'z n shpxvat vqvbg naljnlf. gbb ovt naq hajvryql

[twinfantasymtf]

i couldn't force myself to eat that much food today. I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything. my mom asked me to clean the kitchen. I said I was to depressed to even work properly and I haven't done anything all day. she said I'm not asking I'm telling. but I somehow still got let off the hook.

[twinfantasymtf]

I find that when im sad enough I don't want to eat. it just feels like work. I will eat enough to not be in physical pain. but otherwise I just don't care.

[twinfantasymtf]

don't know how I'm supposed to talk to him. knowing that I caused relapses of several kinds. knowing he doesn't even consider me a friend. not knowing what's going on in his mind. I want to talk to him, but I don't want to cry again.

[twinfantasymtf]

I'll be honest this was a bit dramatic. I don't feel this way anymore. not about someone who won't even call me a friend. I'm still heartbroken.. but bruh. he is making it easy for me to move on by being such an asshole

ill have something infinitely wise to say about this shitty situation soon enough. I'll find the words to express how heartbreaking it is to end something when they have nothing left to give. no capacity to do anything a relationship might normally require. ill figure out a way to express that I came to terms with that, and was prepared to be in such relationship, only to be reminded that he doesn't want a relationship. he doesn't want anything I have. someday ill articulate perfectly that even though he willingly told me this, I can tell how much I hurt him by ending things.

I'm not built for dating. I can't cycle through people every few months aimlessly. I know that my heart will belong to him as long as I still remember what it was like for him to love me. I hope I never forget.

[twinfantasymtf]

every 7th Street. every blue monster. every bird. every metal t shirt. every stretched septum. every diy show. black nail polish. foxes. demonias. chewed nails. every car parked in front of a fire hydrant. he will be everywhere forever

[twinfantasymtf]

ill have something infinitely wise to say about this shitty situation soon enough. I'll find the words to express how heartbreaking it is to end something when they have nothing left to give. no capacity to do anything a relationship might normally require. ill figure out a way to express that I came to terms with that, and was prepared to be in such relationship, only to be reminded that he doesn't want a relationship. he doesn't want anything I have. someday ill articulate perfectly that even though he willingly told me this, I can tell how much I hurt him by ending things.

I'm not built for dating. I can't cycle through people every few months aimlessly. I know that my heart will belong to him as long as I still remember what it was like for him to love me. I hope I never forget.

[twinfantasymtf]

fyvqvat n qvfcbfnoyr enmbeoynqr fvqrjnlf vf fhecevfvatyl varssrpgvir

[twinfantasymtf]

fnj n gvxgbx gur bgure qnl nobhg qngvat n ybfre fgbare oblservaq. gyqe rirelbar va gur pbzzragf jnf gnyxvat nobhg gurve harzcyblrq rk oblsevraq jvgu ab nfcvengvbaf. gur guvat vf... fhpu n fgnaqneq znxrf frafr sbe n pnfhny rapbhagre. znal crbcyr arrq fbzrbar jub vf ng gur fnzr cynpr nf gurz va yvsr. ohg qhqr. V nz Va ybir jvgu zl oblsevraq. Naq ur unf uvf nfcvengvbaf naq vg vf ornhgvshy naq V pna'g jnvg gb jngpu uvf yvsr hasbyq. ur vf harzcyblrq... n fgbare... qebcbhg... ohg crbcyr qba'g haqrefgnaq ubj uneq yvsr pna gehyl or. naq V xabj vg unf orra uneq ba uvz. V pna'g whqtr crbcyr sbe jurer gurl ner va yvsr. vg'f raivebazragny naq unf abguvat gb qb jvgu gur rffrapr bs jub gurl ner nf n crefba. naq V nz va ybir jvgu rirelguvat gung znxrf ebel Ebel. naq gung vf jung vzcbegnag. gehyl

[twinfantasymtf]

ultimately why I am so dependent on constant validation

I am struggling with permanence.. of the way my life is going. and as a result the way my loved ones feel towards me. these things feel like they are brittle and could shatter at any moment. I know that supposedly happiness is supposed to be internal and unchanging. but the inevitable truth is that it depends on your relationships. and it's hard to feel lasting happiness when I can't convince myself that anyone truly cares for me. they can tell me as much, but outside of that moment I will have to convince myself. this is a challenge. if I can't convince myself I am loved, how am I meant to trust anyone. or even live my life. it all feels so fragile.

[twinfantasymtf]

I am struggling with permanence.. of the way my life is going. and as a result the way my loved ones feel towards me. these things feel like they are brittle and could shatter at any moment. I know that supposedly happiness is supposed to be internal and unchanging. but the inevitable truth is that it depends on your relationships. and it's hard to feel lasting happiness when I can't convince myself that anyone truly cares for me. they can tell me as much, but outside of that moment I will have to convince myself. this is a challenge. if I can't convince myself I am loved, how am I meant to trust anyone. or even live my life. it all feels so fragile.

[twinfantasymtf]

one breakdown and I want to be done with life. imagine if I ever actually went through something that wasnt completely self inflicted. everything in life has been handed to me. feeling bad is not a hardship. hardship is why you feel bad. how have I managed to generate such anguish without even a single real actual life issue. i

[twinfantasymtf]

I'm thinking. I am ultimately exactly like Juno. look at me posting pathetic bullshit. validation seeking.

the deepest form of hatred is projection of that which you see in yourself

[twinfantasymtf]

the deepest form of hatred is projection of that which you see in yourself

[twinfantasymtf]

nobody is anything but good to me and I still manage to mistreat everyone in my life

[twinfantasymtf]

fzryyvat yvxr uvz gur qnl nsgre frk. V nz vafnar V nz tbvat penml fb zhpu

[twinfantasymtf]

I regret having sex with leah very much. its one thing to have a meaningless hookup. it's another thing to have sex with someone you're not attracted to. but it's an entirely new thing to have sex simply because you have adolescent angst about losing your virginity.

like. Rory has been many firsts for me. I haven't been in a Real relationship yet ever. I don't think anything is less special because I'm not a virgin. but simultaneously I just. feel very bad about having had that encounter as my first time.

she did not kiss me.

thank god I didn't have sex with James or anyone... in retrospect. I feel I would have gotten attached or sad. even if it was with someone who cares about me. im not meant for casual sex I simply cannot. much too vulnerable of an act for such a term to be allowed to describe it. .

so. maybe it's good when they had sex I wasn't there. because I wouldn't have been as drunk as them. and I wouldn't want to get drunk. and I wouldn't want to have sex for any other reason than to feel included.