twinklee-starr - Tumblr blog

[twinklee-starr]

Random

So I’m just up. I had a scheduled orientation for Walmart today, but I decided not to pursue the position. I haven’t even called and let them know yet. I just woke up & said nope I’m not going. And I’m starting to do this a lot. Where I apply for things or half-commit to things & then at the last minute back out. Why? I don’t know. I think it’s because 1. I have the choice to choose what I want to do 2. I don’t HAVE to do it, I’m already getting money & can pay my bills. 3. The thought of making a commitment to a job, I know I won’t be at for a long time, seemed like a waste of time to me 4. I got scared. Tbh that’s the biggest part of everything I’ve been going through-I’m scared. Scared of the unknown, scared to commitment, scared of being stuck. Why you ask? Cause I think I see-or I think I see- so many ppl in my life do that- they get stuck in a situation/position that they obviously aren’t happen with & they have no choice but to stick it out. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to settle for something that I won’t enjoy or that I know I won’t be at for a long time. Also too, I think I like the idea of having the option to walk away from something anytime I want. Knowing that I don’t have to do it if I don’t want to....problem is, I haven’t been wanting to do a damn thing since school was cancelled. I would rather stay in my room & dream up scenarios. Than to get out the house & do manual work.

[twinklee-starr]

Draft

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just disappeared, if I just left somewhere would out saying a word...would anybody miss me? Would I be able to survive. Would I be able to make it. Would anybody care or even notice.

Lately I have been so trapped inside my own thoughts my own head that i don’t even know what reality is anymore. I’m constantly thinking about my next move or what’s to come. And then I instantly get scared, scared of the the unknown.

Isn’t that crazy right? Like how can one be afraid of something that isn’t even there...how can I be fearful of the future? Idk. Just like everything in my life, I don’t know. I just want to feel normal again, like I have a purpose to live ...every single day.

I mean there’s days where I feel like “yeah, I’m awesome! I’m so thankful for who I am & where I am” but then there’s days where I’m like “ugh I have to get up again? Like I have to go through this WHOLE DAY!?”

Smh I’m so ungrateful. There’s so many ppl who are doing w/o or who are for real hurting both physically & mentally. And then here I am...whining over nothing.

Lord help me. Help me to be better. Help me to be happy. Help me to appreciate. Nonetheless, I’m thankful for my life Lord & I pray that I can learn to love it & love you for blessing me w/this gift.

[twinklee-starr]

I needed this ❤️

[twinklee-starr]

Untitled love

I’ve always found you so attractive. Ever since I met you online back in the gap. I never understood and still don’t understand why we can’t be one. We mesh together so well, but maybe it’s just something sexual and I’m too blind to realize. But I think if you were to really get to know me and connect, you’ll feel the chemistry as strong as I do. Should I give up? Should I stop these feelings that you don’t seem to reciprocate? But I’m a competitive lover, I can’t just take a no without putting up some fight. But how long must my fight go on before you realize too? Realize that I would be the perfect woman for you. But perhaps it’s not that you’re not attracted to me, but rather you know what kind of guy you are. The type of guy that’s bad news for me. The type of guy that’ll break my heart. BUT what if I’m up for the challenge. What if I’m the woman that you need to fix your damaged heart? BUT I wasn’t placed on this earth to fix damaged hearts. My love is meant to strengthen ones heart and vice versa. Oh well I guess I can still dream. And who knows? Maybe one day you’ll realize I’m the woman for you. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[twinklee-starr]

Chapter 25...

So today is my birthday...yay! I can honestly say I started the day, matter of fact the week, off very negatively. I dreaded the thought of turning another year older and I still didn’t reach my life goals. I felt like another year was passing and I STILL wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life. And what made matters worse is I constantly kept seeing/hearing people around me doing things I had longed to do...Getting married/engaged, having a baby, starting a new job or relationship, moving to a new city...Just so many changes in their lives but yet I was still in the same runt in my life. So I was feeling very down and I wasn’t looking forward to my birthday. I honestly didn’t care what I did or if anybody told me happy birthday. BUT God wouldn’t let me go out like that...he sent ppl my way who genuinely cared about me and it lifted my spirits. Some ppl who I wasn’t expecting even told me happy birthday. So it made me feel loved & appreciated. And also I got to spend it with my loving family. My reason to keep pushing. ❤️ So in this new chapter of my life, instead of feeling down or upset that my life isn’t how I want it to be YET. I’m going to start being more appreciative, and finding solutions to my flaws. Day by day I pray to get better so that I can get closer to my life goals. It’s going to take prayer & a lot of patience but I know God has something great for me at the end of this journey 🙏🏾

[twinklee-starr]

....

I’m a walking nut case. I have no clue what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. Everyday I want to run away from my job and start something new. I’m scared out of my mind of what’s to come. This job and this lifestyle isn’t at all what i planned it to be. I’m miserable inside and I have no clue how to fix it. I want to sleep all day and avoid all my real problems. I want to start over. Start fresh. Start new. Even if that means to hurt people along the way. My mental health is what’s important to me, and right now it’s failing horribly. I just do not know what to do. I feel like crying, screaming, breaking things everyday. I just wish I had a physical outlet. Something or someone I could run to when I’m feeling this way. Can anybody help me?

[twinklee-starr]

Ew, Commitment

I hate commitment. I hate the thought of saying yes to something, and having to see it all the way through. Why? Well because good things never last, and you always run out of things or have to change something. The way I see it...if I don’t stay with something too long then I won’t have to worry about changing or getting bored.

Commitment is scary. One day everything is going fine, and then boom tragic strikes and you’re starting over fresh anyways. Also commitment is long and boring. Who has time for that? Not I.

But the downfall to commitment is the unpredictability, the unsureness, the unknown of what’s to come. No friendships, no memories, no relationships. Everything is fresh and new. So new that I’m not even sure what I like anymore because I’m always changing. Honestly...I’m not sure if I’ll ever fully commitment to something. Just the thought of the word makes me stomach turn. Ewwww commitment. I cannot

[twinklee-starr]

In My Pursuit of Happiness

Currently my life is bleh. There’s so many things I want to do with my life but I never seem to have enough time. Or when I do have the time, I don’t have the energy. So my mind & body are like a non-stop roller coaster-day in and day out.

So I think to myself....what is really going to make me happy? I always say I NEED TO MOVE. To start over fresh, meet new people, and explore new ideas/careers/options. Like moving to a new city will really solve all my problems...LOL right? But it’s a good idea. Just the thought of this theory actually being correct puts my mind at ease.

However, in reality nothing will really and truly make me happy? Why...? Because I’m not in tune with my own self. I have no clue of what really interests me. Or at least I’m afraid to face the truth. My truth of God’s purpose for me, because honestly it scares the hell out of me. I know my purpose & I know what I should be doing with my life. But it involves other people, leading other people, motivating/inspiring, helping, and growing other people. Sounds good right? Sounds so fulfilling & caring. BUT my fear is...FAILURE...

All my life I have been a hardworking & fighting athlete. Like whenever my name was involved you better believe that I was coming out with the win. And if I didn’t succeed the first time I’m definitely coming back again to claim the victory. So if you could guess...failing was never an option for me nor was it ever associated with my name. So when I took the career of being a teacher, I automatically thought I would be successful right off the back because naturally that’s what I’ve done in the past. Boy was I wrong.

My first year of teaching was a rocky road from the beginning and close to the end. I dreaded come to work, my students weren’t reaching the skills they needed, and I had doubts every single day. I would cry to my parents & friends every day wondering why I had ever chosen this career. I told myself everyday this wasn’t for me. But oddly enough I took a second year lol. Why you may ask? Because deep down inside I knew teaching was my calling. Though most of my days have been rough, I had days were I saw the light shine through my students. May not be all of them, but just those few was confirmation that I was doing something right. So why do I keep running away from Gods plan for me?

Honestly it comes back to failure, I’m so afraid of having mistakes attached to my name. Also I don’t always see my mistakes as part of my growing process. These past 2 years of teaching have really molded me into a good person. May have been in small steps, but I’m so much better now then I was when I graduated college & first entered the adult world lol. So sure I’m no where near where I want to be in my life, but i can say that I am headed in the right direction. I have to kick failure/negatively in the butt and hold my head up high. God has my back & he will not let me fall. My calling is teaching/education. Maybe not in the current place I’m at now, but somewhere in the world there are kids who need a teacher like me. And there’s a school that I need to be at. For my growth and my pursuit of happiness 🙂

[twinklee-starr]

24...almost 25. Means I’ve lived almost a quarter of my life, and I should have a quarter of memories, a quarter of amazing stories, a quarter of happiness...but I don’t. I feel like I have accomplished nothing, experienced nothing. I mean sure I’ve had some success with my athletics ability, but that has come & gone. What do I do now?

I’m so unsure of what the future the holds for me or if I even want it. I’m so unsure about slot of things tbh. Like marriage, kids, career, my life. I wish God would just show me the blueprint of my life. WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT ME DOING GOD!? I NEED answers! The waiting game is killing me.

And I know this may be a test of my patience, of my strength. But I honestly don’t know if I can take it any longer. I need a change!

[twinklee-starr]

“Everything is moving into the future, but the future doesn’t exist. It’s what we create. Our responsibility for the present moment, that’s morality. The future of humanity or the family or whatever depends on what you do this moment. If you want the next moment where everything will be better, then you’d better do this moment right.”

— Jonas Mekas, via Happiness is a Choice You Make (Page 32)

[twinklee-starr]

I want to open my heart again, but I’m so afraid of the outcome. Sure it’s the cute posts i could make about my “bae” #relationshipgoals but what about the work I have to put into the relationship to make it work? The constant compromises, materialistic things to show affection, the trust, the mistrust, the vulnerability...

Am I really ready to start that up again? Just the thought of having to put in that much effort just to save I love you makes me cringe. I’m sure I’m over reacting but that’s just my view of #reallove

[twinklee-starr]

My Nostalgia

Lately, I have constantly been thinking about my past. The “what if’s”, the “should’ves”, the “could’ves” etc. Why?

Because back when I was younger (pre-college days) everything made sense. I knew what I was doing. I had a plan-well a plan was made for me, but it was perfect. But now things have changed.

I’m in a constant cycle of bad-decision making, loneliness, and I no longer have the answers. I no longer can make sense of what’s going on in my world. Even on social media.

Everyday when I log on people are saying/doing things for clout and it doesn’t make a lick of sense. See back then, people did things for fame with a purpose, like it honestly made sense. But now everything is different.

I mean it should be, we are living in new times. However, all I ever want to do is go back to the simpler times, where it all made sense for me. Smh I hope I can get back to that. Get back to where things make sense for me.

[twinklee-starr]

Life Changes

I recently posted on here a long post about perspective – I deleted it, simply because of changes in my life since the post. A lot can change in a few weeks, and my life was pretty much turned upside down recently. 

Life can be funny sometimes, and you can be tested in ways you can’t imagine.

6 months ago, I didn’t think I’d have an illness/surgery in the family. 6 months ago, I didn’t think I’d be sitting on my couch on a Monday afternoon applying for jobs at an outlet mall. 6 months ago, I didn’t think I’d leave my first job post-college for another opportunity, only to be laid off a month after – the day before Thanksgiving, at that.

Writing has been an outlet for me for years, and I’ve been back and forth with the idea of even typing my thoughts out this past week. 

I’ve called myself a failure and a loser for now being unemployed at the age of 22, with a college degree that’s not being put to use. I’ve bawled my eyes out, and stared at the ceiling in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, because of the anxiety of what’s to come. 

I used to be so proud of myself, and as of lately, I’ve wondered…what is there to be proud of anymore?

But I guess now more than ever, perspective is everything.

I can either feel sorry for myself, or I can get out there and actually do something about the cards I’ve been dealt. I think I’d really only be a “loser” or “failure” if I just continued sitting here and didn’t actually try – whether it’s retail or corporate. 

I may not be where I thought I’d be at this point, or where I want to be. I can’t get my family everything I wanted to this holiday season, and I probably won’t be shopping for myself for a long, long time. 

But I have to keep going, and so does anyone else who feels as if they’ve hit rock bottom. If you feel as if you’re at your lowest, all you can do is go up from here, right?

I don’t regret leaving things that didn’t make me happy, in the pursuit of finding that happiness. I don’t feel as bitter anymore about recent circumstances, because I know I can’t change anything. 

When things go wrong in life, you really learn about who truly cares, and honestly, who doesn’t. You lean on the people who do care, and I’m so lucky to have a handful of people who actually give a damn about me.

The moral of the story is that life can change, and pretty quick, at that. Life won’t always be fair, and life won’t always give you what you want. I think life gave me what I needed, though, which is the freedom to figure out what I want. I can use this time to explore what makes me truly happy, and I’m oddly thankful for that. It’s a blessing in disguise, I guess. 

This is the epitome of trying to twenty-something, and I’m going to get through it.

[twinklee-starr]

First post. Needed a space to vent. I’m confused about my life. I feel very stagnant. No growth, no amusement, no passion. I’m just here. I have some plans but I’m unsure how to put them into place. It always seems like I never have enough time. I need help.