twofacedidentity

[twofacedidentity]

[twofacedidentity]

Some loves are meant to be felt, not heard. So I loved you without a sound.

[twofacedidentity]

The Gravity of 'I Love Yous'

Isa sa mga pinaka well-sought phrases na gustong maranig ng mga tao ngayon is the phrase 'I love you.' In a world that demands instant connection, the same phrase has been a phrase na well-thrown na rin.

I have the luxury of receiving and giving the said phrase. Given my personality, it's something that I get to express in friendly discourses - especially to those whom I do not lack the confidence to be genuine to. I receive it, also. Hindi ako nakakaranas ng scarcity of receiving it since most of the people I get to share the phrase with are people who, to an extent, share the same feelings about me.

Pero given the 'commonness' ng pagkakabanggit ng nasabing phrase or sentence(?), naiisip at nararamdaman ko minsan that they do not share the same weight. Feeling. Emotion.

Habang sinusulat ko ito, inaalala ko 'yong first time na sinabi ko 'yong I love you. How much emotional investment was put into. Inaalala ko rin 'yong panahon na una ko itong narinig na sabihin sa akin. Hindi na ako sure. Pero ang alam ko, I might have had emotion-overload noong panahon na iyon since that is really, really something big.

In recent times, nakatatanggap ako at nakapagbibigay rin ako niyan. I get to say that to most people. And most people get to say that to me. Kaya lang, naramdaman kong may iba. Hindi ko alam kung ito ba ay dahil it gets said too often, the context into which it was said... Ewan. 'Di ko alam. Ang alam ko lang, whenever I receive 'i love yous,' they don't feel the same.

Ang i love you from person A really differs from i love you ni person B. When do these words get to mean what it really means? Depende ba sa tao? Depende ba sa sitwasyon? Depende ba sa emotional and psychological state ng nagsasabi? Sa relasyon? Feeling ko naman, alam ko na rin ang sagot. Hindi ko lang alam kung bakit hindi ko ma-force ang sarili ko na maniwala na it is really the answer.

In the end, ang masasabi ko lang, I really don't think the number of 'i love yous' ang mag-culminate ng need ng tao for love and affection. Isa man 'yan or dalawa, platonic man or romantic, there are people whom we want to hear it from. There are situations na we want to hear it with. There are places we want to hear it at. The quality of 'i love you' always trumps the quantity of 'i love you.'

After all, the gravity of i love you differ from one person to another. At mayroon talaga, mayroon talaga tayong mga taong nagmamahal sa atin ng higit sa iba. Tulad ng pagmamahal natin sa mga taong mahal natin. Man. Man. Man.

Sana lang, natatanggap natin ang i love you na nararapat at gusto talaga nating matanggap. Sana lang rin, hindi tayo nagbibigay ng i love you na hindi naman nararapat at hindi rin dapat tanggapin ng iba.

[twofacedidentity]

Ang sarili nating Germany and Rome

Recently, nagkaroon ako ng profound liking sa kantang Germany and Rome ng the Ridleys. Hindi na siguro lingid sa kaalaman ng taong malalapit sa akin na solid talaga 'yong vibe ng The Ridleys. Iba 'yong folk-inspired song nila. Lagi akong nakukuha sa ganoong style.

Ilan sa lyrics na talagang pumukaw sa attention ko ay ang mga sumusunod:

When I told you that I loved you, well, I never would've guessed That you'd end up loving me too, and well, you know the rest.

You were smiling as the angels guarded you from up above And I couldn't help but wonder what you were dreaming of

In that morning birds were chirping and the grass was wet with dew; There and then, I saw the world from a different point of view

Higit sa lahat, ito 'yong masasabi kong favorite line ko:

We have traveled far to Germany and Rome But in the end, I know we'll find a way back home

Sobrang daming happenings sa buhay ko recently. 'Yong iba, parte talaga ng who I am right now. 'Yong iba, excess lang. Parang ingay lang. 'Yong iba naman, 'di ko inaasahang maging parte ng life ko pero nakuha ko na ring isama sa baggage sa mga dumadaan na araw, o linggo? Baka nga buwan pa. Taon? Pwede rin. Di na yata recently ito. But the thought remains.

Sa lahat ng mga bagay na iyon, sobrang dami ring nagbago sa akin. There are things that made me change who I am by nature. Need kasi for the things that has to be done. For the assignments na I have to finish. For the tasks I have to do. Hindi lamang sa expectations ng mundo (work, most of the time), pero kasama na rin ang expectations ko sa sarili ko. Nagbago ako. Sa totoo lang.

Malayo-layo na rin ang narating ko. And 'yong mga bagay that was mentioned above, are the things I consider as my Germany and Rome (G&R). Marami sila, actually. I have been to many places the past year. The past months. The past weeks. Heck, event the past days. These days weren't easy. Dahil sakanila, parang bumibilis ang buhay. Instead of what I have once heard na, "be in the moment," I can't. Ang daming demands ng buhay.

Masaya ako sa mga nasabi kong G&R ko, pero nakakamiss 'yong mga panahon na I get to be with what I can stay calm with. Where I don't feel much pressure from. Where I just enjoy every moment and be the best person I can be for myself. I have travelled far. Maraming natutuwa. Kahit naman ako, to some extent. Pero nakakapagod. Gusto ko lang, just like the song, for myself to find my way back home.

Siguro, the innocence. The calmness. The absence of most of my worries today. The love I give. The love I get. Nakakamiss. Things have really changed. Sabi naman sa kanta, in the end, we always find our way back home. Sana, mahanap ko siya. And sana, if mahanap ko siya, masaya ako sa babalikan kong home. At maging masaya pa rin kung may mga bagay mang dala ko through the G&Rs ko na hindi ko na kapiling sa pagbalik ko.

Sana, ikaw rin. Kung may Germany and Rome ka man, sulitin mo. Make sure na the G&Rs mo ay worth it. And be at peace with whatever they are. Since in the end, you'd have to come back. Leave the G&Rs and be at peace with it.

[twofacedidentity]

Nangunguna, sa Hindi Inaasahang Karera

Bago maging sobrang rampant ng paggamit ng smartphones ng halos lahat ng tao, isa sa mga daily occurences sa buhay namin sa bahay ang makinig ng radio broadcast ng FEBC 702 DZAS. Sa isang segment nila, palagi kong naririnig ang tagline ni Beth Flores na nagsasabing, "Life is not a series of chances. It's a series of choices." Kung iintindihin, makikita naman 'yong katotohanan behind the words that were said. Marami kasing nagsasabi na sobrang daming chances ang dumarating sa buhay ng tao in their lifespans, pero I think what cumulatively creates every human experience ay ang kanilang choices.

In the quest to make the best decisions sa pang araw-araw nating buhay, there are times na we fail. Though there is an evident expectation for everyone to make the best, rational, at tamang decisions, hindi maiiwasan na we make the decision na nasa kabilang tulay nito. Ibinibilang ko ang sarili ko dito.

Sa tuwing iniisip ko ang life decisions ko, hindi ko maiwasan ang pagka-feel sorry ko for myself on some decisions that I have made. People might see me as this guy well-off, established to an extent, pero behind all the fancy facade, masasabi kong I really am not that person. Nakikipagusap ako sa mga tao and I am always amazed kung paano nila ako nakikita. Ewan. Palaging positive.

Pero hindi. Sana nga, ganoon nalang. Di naman ako sobrang sama. Pero alam kong hindi rin ako ang icon ng mabuting mga desisyon. Chief among the sinners, sabi nga ni apostle Paul sa 1 Timothy 1:15.

"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost."

This is the race na I think I am leading at. I might be harsh sa sarili ko, pero I do think na ako ito. Syempre, ako ang nakakaalam ng lahat ng details ng buhay ko to be able to come up with the conclusion. Kung iisipin nga, parang lahat might be able to come up with such conclusion kasi we know ourselves best. Unfortunately, ang scale ng paggawa ko ng desisyon ay tipped towards the other end.

Okay na rin siguro. Tama na rin naman siguro if I see myself as such since another reminder by Apostle Paul given naman to the Philippian members on Philippians 2:3.

"Don't do anything from selfish ambition or from a cheap desire to boast, but be humble toward one another, always considering others better than yourselves."

Ang prayer ko lang, ang wish ko lang, na sana, as I progress, I continuously move toward making the right decisions and win the right race. Hindi naman deal-breaker ang makagawa ng maling desisyon as we are still in this world, capable of making them. Pero sana, sana, manaig ang conscious effort to do what is right. Sabi nga nila, possess true repentance. Magkaroon ng change of heart, change of mind, and change of direction.

[twofacedidentity]

Sometimes, we distract ourselves from personal pain by wounding others. We ensnare them with arrows meant for ourselves. Then, we have to wonder- Are our conflicts with others really a projection of the interior battles we are waging? Do we choose friendships and lovers as kindred adversaries for testing our growth? Those equipped to handle our verbal barbs prove themselves able warriors and brethren we want to go into life’s battles with. When we are truly tested by life’s assaults, these are the friends we want holding our heads in their laps reminding us to stay strong. They hold our armor until our hearts are steady to begin the next summit. And when we come to our end, these loved ones will place the wreath upon our bodies, place coins upon our eyelids, and send us across the River Styx toward home.

[twofacedidentity]

“Do not expect people to tell you the truth because they also lie to themselves.”

— Don Miguel Ruiz

[twofacedidentity]

“When you care about someone, you just do, and nothing changes that.”

— Amanda Hocking, Lullaby

[twofacedidentity]

"Do you believe in love?" She asked him with the faint glow of the stars in her deep midnight eyes.

He smiled, it was the first time she recalled seeing it, it was blinding and made her long to trace it with the moons of her fingertips.

"I do because you exist."

-Lavender Rose🌹, Because You Exist

[twofacedidentity]

Ohhh, man. Legit.

big little things

1. "how are you feeling?"

2. the sky—night or day. blue skies, gray skies,  sunsets, sunrise. stars. cotton candy clouds. the moon. 

3. "i miss you."

4. petting a cat, feeling the vibrations as they pur. listen to it, they're saying "i feel safe here. with you."

5. someone creating something for you—a drawing, a piece of music, a poem, a sweater. a meal. anything. 

6. that one song you listen to (over and over again) when you just need to feel understood. 

7. "you make me happy."

8. having dinner with people who can make a bad day feel even slightly better. 

9. when someone remembers you—your birthday, your fears, your heartaches. your favorite things. your dreams. 

10. "i appreciate you."

11. listening to the rain in a cozy spot—snuggled in a comfy bed, or on a couch, or in someone's arms. 

12. watching someone's face light up when you lock eyes. 

13. feeling someone you love kiss your forehead when they think you're sleeping.

14. watching someone you love sleep, taking in their peaceful expression until you fall asleep too. 

15. belly-laughing with loved ones.

16. inside jokes.

17. flowers on your birthday. flowers any day. flowers, flowers, flowers.

18. Christmas lights. 

19. feeling comfortable enough with someone to let them touch you, hug you, high-five you, hold your hand, trace your face and body with their fingers, kiss you. 

20. giving someone a gift they really wanted. observing and absorbing their glee. 

21. someone doing something kind for you without you having to ask. 

22. someone taking the time to (respectfully) teach you something new. 

23. pleasant aromas—vanilla, the perfume or cologne or deodorant your lover wears, whatever's cooking in the kitchen, and that very specific scent wafting in the air, you know, the one that reminds you of a happier time. 

24. doing something, anything during a very bad depressive episode. you brushed your teeth? fed yourself? showered? did laundry? fantastic. 

25. "i can't wait to see you."

26. being preserved in someone's spaces—your pictures are on their desk, their walls, their lockscreen, in a pendent, in photo albums. 

27. feeling comfortable enough to undress in front of someone, to present your natural self to them—no clothes, no makeup, messy hair. 

28. "i'm here for you" and they actually are. they're at your doorstep. they're texting you through it. they call, they listen.  

29. the scene in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind when Clementine and Joel's first memory together collapses. "Meet me in Montauk…"

30. someone asking you to listen to their favorite song. please listen to it—all of it.

31. "you make me so proud."

32. Ellie and Carl's "married-life" montage in Up

33. jinx. saying something at the same time as someone else and then grinning at each other.

34. when someone watches or reads the things you recommend. bonus points if they wind up loving it. 

35. when Joel tells Ellie "i struggled for a long time with surviving. and, no matter what, you keep finding something to fight for," in The Last of Us

36. "i was just thinking about you."

37. that thing you accomplished that no one knows about. 

38. someone supporting your work—buying your painting, sharing your novel with their friends, watching your streams.

39. the cutscene in The Last of Us Part 2 where Ellie expresses her frustration toward Joel for saving her life over sacrificing her for the cure, and he firmly tells her, "i would do it all over again."

40. "you make my life better." i met you and my smile is so big it hurts my cheeks. the sun seems brighter, this chocolate chip cookie tastes sweeter. i'm looking forward to tomorrow because you'll be there. your birthday is one of the best days of my life. oh my God, oh my God, this is terrifying—oh wait, there you are. it's not so bad anymore, actually. thank you for being here—for choosing to be here—with little old me in this brief moment in time when you could share it with anyone, anywhere in this very beautiful, very daunting, very big world. 

[twofacedidentity]

'Yong good luck na sulit. Dapat, manalo! 💯

[twofacedidentity]

Final Post for 2023 & Kick-off sa 2024

The past few weeks, life has not been easy. Sobrang daming bagay ang masasabi kong paulit-ulit kong pi-nonder. Tough. Sobrang hindi ko rin kasi alam kung ano ‘yong dapat kong gawin or dapat kong maging recourse to fight through all those things na iniisip ko.

Then, nag-attend ako ng youth camps. Dalawa sila. One, natapos ko nang buo. At ‘yong isa, isang araw lang. It was refreshing. Siguro, a breath of fresh air. Lagi namang ganoon ang feeling ko after youth camps. For the longest time, familiar na sa akin ang mga kabataang MBC, especially mga ka-batch ko since panahon pa na hindi ko na sasabihin kung kailan. Minsan akong napagkamalang seminarian. Pero hindi. Madalas akong makita bilang isang leader figure, which I think I thrived in naman especially noong peak days ng pag-attend ko sa youth camps. Pero behind all those – kahit na nakikita akong ‘semi-active,’ or ‘active’ ng people from those circles, alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa rin talaga ako all-out. Which I really expect from myself.

Sa camp, na-amplify sa akin ang bible verse na Mark 2:14. Naka-post ang image ng bible verse. Nababasa ko na siya on my bible readings, pero it struck me. Sobrang na-amaze ako on how Levi (Matthew) followed Christ nang walang kinakailangang paliwanag. He left his livelihood. He left his comfort. He went all-out. He went all-in. Just to follow Christ. Maraming beses na sa buhay ko na tumayo ako, nag-forward at nag-surrender sa iba’t ibang call for life’s dedication and surrender, pero I think na due to my limitations as a man, may reservations ang paglapit ko.

Hindi ako perfect man. I have my flaws. SOBRANG DAMI. Pero I know na I am beloved because of Christ, na kahit na holy in nature, ay pinili akong iligtas from the punishment na I really deserve. Wala namang kasi talagang perfect person. Pero sobrang tindi rin ng perfect love na ipinakita ni Christ sa akin. Ang prayer ko lang, moving forward, is for me to follow Him without reservations. All-in Lalo na sa mga parating pang taon ng buhay ko. Sana, ikaw rin. Kapag tinawag ka ng Panginoon, sumunod ka tulad ni Matthew. Don’t do the same mistakes na I did. It’s a process. Mahabang proseso. Kasi, sa totoo lang, iba ang fulfilment and satisfaction na makakamit with the Lord na I really think the world cannot offer.

[twofacedidentity]

When are we ever ready?

Sa bawat panahon na nakikita ko itong quote na ito through an FB or Tumblr post, tweet sa X, or IG story, I always feel na this quote has something to tell me. Parang college palang yata ako, I have read this multiple times na.

Throughout the years, lagi akong tinatamaan. Maaaring situations and living conditions have changed pero there is always something na feeling ko, I want to pursue pero lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na I still have to be ready for this. Natatakot ba ako? Hindi ko alam.

Pero totoo naman ito, feeling ko. We are never fully ready for the things we commit to. Masasabi kong maari tayong 'mas ready' kaysa sa yesterday-versions of us. Pero, I don't think we are ever, fully ready. Ano nga kaya 'yong bagay na iyon that makes me love this quote, over and over again?

I wonder.

[twofacedidentity]

Sa gabing hindi ako makatulog...

Ngayong gabi, sobrang struggle ang pagtulog. Medyo inaantok naman na ako kanina. Pero may ilang mga bagay that made me go on a rummaging of my mind to find answers. Unfortunately, wala akong mahanap na sagot. I really don't think I have the answers to these questions, contrary to questions I usually get to answer in my English classes.

In an attempt to fall asleep, I tried listening to podcast episodes about values na usually naman ay effective at nakaka-entice ng sleep sense ko dahil marahan ang pagsasalita nila. Natututo ako habang inaantok so it's like hitting two birds in one stone. Ayun lang, hindi rin effective. I continuously browsed sa ilang playlists ko sa Spotify. I ended up putting a song on repeat. It's "How to Save a Life" by The Fray. Nasa liked songs ko siya and it's not really something na I hold a liking for. Parang alaala lang siya ng elementary or high school days ko. The title, How to Save a Life, struck me.

For the longest time, parang ginawa kong mission sa buhay ang pagtulong sa iba to make life easy for them. Nasa isip ko, sa bawat pagkakataon na pwede akong tumulong, tutulong ako. I went lengths, stretched helping hands. Minsan nga, higit pa sa kailangan. Or sa tingin ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin. It has given me a sort of purpose and a source of fulfilment. Lagi 'yon.

Kaya lang, on the other side of the spectrum, mayroon ring side na ngayon ko lang naisip. What if I am doing more than what should be done? What if in the course of helping people, I suppress the avenue for them to fix things on their own and deprive them of that opportunity to make themselves better? Parang nagkaroon ng kaunting gulf 'yong what I want to do for people, and what I should actually do for them.

Hindi ako magsasawang tumulong sa iba. Pero paano if 'yong akala kong "Midas Touch" ko ay reverse Midas pala? Instead of helping, nagiging suppresive? Am I really helping them? That is the question.

May nabasa ako noon na nagsabing subukan mong maging mabait sa lahat ng tao, baka kasi 'yong kabaitan mo 'yong kailangan nila for them to continue living. Sobrang ganda no'n. Pero baka may kabilang panig rin 'yong perspective na iyon? Baka naman, instead of helping them, saving their lives, ako pa 'yong panggulo? Mahirap. Shet.

Napaisip na tuloy ako. Ito ba 'yong Juancho na gusto kong maging? Ito na yata y'ong part ng kanta na "you begin to wonder why you came." Parang nagkaroon talaga ng major na shift sa what I am here for. Bilang man of the people and for the people, lagi kong ine-emphasize ang mga bagay towards the greater good. For others - minsan, forgetting myself. Kasi, sabi nga, be selfless. Pero ito nga kaya 'yong tamang paraan to answer the question "how to save a life?"

Talaga bang - the people I get close with - become better persons? Or na-shape ko lang sila to believe that my perspective of being a good person stems from my personal belief of being there for people. Maaaring we view ourselves as those who understand better, those who have superiority over the others since we claim to be the bigger persons at kami ang umiintindi - pero, iyon nga ba?

Well, I have spoken too much na. Lumipat-lipat 'yong kanta so naiba na rin 'yong mood ko. Sana lang, sa gabing ito, paggising ko, hindi na ganito 'yong feeling ko. Sana nga, makatulog ako. May klase pa bukas. May pa-tryout pa ako.

[twofacedidentity]

I love you forever, Ara

Hello, Ara. Alam kong this is for my eyes only. Pero 'di mo naman siya makikita. So ipo-post ko na dito. Salamat for being one of the cores, at sa pagiging solid na student at kaibigan. ♥

"Sana tulog ka na. Hihih. Dahil birthday mo, I get a pass sa pagiging OA at cheesy. Pero lagi naman yata akong gano'n. But whatever 💃🏻

Alam ko namang 'di na bago sa'yo ang makatanggap ng long messages from me dahil ako yata talaga ang personification ng Talks a Lot. Dati talaga, between us, ikaw 'yon. Kasi I had my reservations pa then. Hehehe! Never thought na you'd eventually get to meet the Ara na unguarded. Kasi, though siguro I seem like an open book to many, bilang lang talaga 'yong mga taong I trust with my vulnerability. At isa ka na roon. I don't know kung anong exactly meron ka at na-reach mo 'yong gano'ng status, lalo pa't considering na we've only seen each other in person once. Whatever it is, you're one of the few sa buhay ko ngayon na nagpapaniwala sa'king may mga taong purposefully nilagay sa ating lives. 🤏😎😳

Very vocal naman na ako with you so I think most of what I want to say here ay reiteration na lang ng mga nasabi ko na (?). Ayun. Pero one thing I never really got to tell you in detail siguro ay you taught me how to love. Not in *that* way, but like, how to love in a broader context? Hahaha, parang ang weird kasi banggitin in casual convos. Pero true. Sa mga rare times na naging vulnerable ka sa'kin, nakita ko how deeply you love. How much you care. Kahit pa sa small gestures mo.

Sobrang rare no'n na sa'yo ko siya unang nakita. And I'd love to, one day, be that person din to others. What you are to me ngayon, ganern. Hahaha! Dahil sa'yo, and the love you've shown me, feel ko naging better akong person. Mas naging vocal ako kumpara noon, more appreciative of others. Tapos I get to watch their faces light up. Nakakatuwa lang. Ayun. I try to be more patient, more understanding dahil iyon ang lagi mo ring sinasabi sa akin. NGL, mahirap siyang gawin kapag talagang subok na subok ka na. Pero it's an active choice, kasi iniisip ko what you would tell me if naichika ko siya sa'yo. 🥹

Dami ko na namang say pero sana naging masaya ka today. I planned to cover sana one of the songs you asked me to sing before pa. 'Di ko na i-reveal para when I do cover it, surprise siya. Hahaha! Kaso super na-busy talaga recently, dahil midterms season. Huhubells. 😓

Hindi ko na rin sinakto ito ng 11:59. Para start your 27th (?) year right na lang siguro atake mo. Mwahaha, hindi ko sure.

Love you 4evs, Vevs! 😉🫶✨️"

[twofacedidentity]

Matagal ko nang napanood ang movie na ito. Pero isa sa mga more(?) quotable lines ay ang sinabi ni Connor Mead kay Jenni Perotti. Na ang power in all relationships lies to whoever cares less. I agree with it.

Those who care less have a higher tendency to do things that compromise relationships kasi they love to a lesser extent. They wouldn't care that much kasi nga, they care less. So they basically can call it off easily.

Pero nakita ko rin 'yong pagiging tama no'ng second statement niya. Na when you hold that power, you don't have happiness (or you have lesser) since you give less of what you receive. Marami ring patunay na we become more happy when we care for, love, and make others feel valued. It's a great feeling rin naman.

Siguro, nasa atin nalang kung mas pipiliin ba natin ang power or ang happiness. Sa akin lang, always be the bigger person. Sabi nga ni W.H. Auden sa kanyang tula titled The More Loving One, "If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me."

[twofacedidentity]

Marami akong nakakausap tungkol sa maraming mga bagay. Some of them, ibinabahagi kung gaano sila kasaya. Ang iba naman, nagbabahagi ng mga bagay na dahilan ng kanilang kalungkutan.

Sa bawat oras na nakakausap ko sila tungkol sa mga ganoong bagay, hindi ko talaga alam ang dapat kong sabihin. Hindi naman ako magaling magbigay ng payo.

Pero kailanman, hindi ko nakalimutang sabihin na kapag masaya ka, make the most out of it. Kapag malungkot naman ang kausap ko, nasasabi ko na lamang na damhin niya ang nararamdaman niya para masulit niya rin ang kasiyahan sa panahon na muli siyang magiging masaya.

Kasalanan mo 'to, Morrie. Pero siguro, tama rin talaga. Sinabi rin naman ni Jenni Young na kapag masaya ka, experience it fully. At kapag hindi ayos, laban lang at better days are coming rin naman.