twyllahp-blog

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Broken 2/26/17

I'm broken again. He can't accept me for who I am. He's looking for something that I can't give Him. I can't force myself to someone who don't want me. I'm scared to loose him but I don't want to loose myself because of loving him. Maybe it's better this way. No more doubts, no more trying to please someone, no more trying to change myself to please someone, no more hurting myself. It's time to love myself harder. It's time to be selfish just this once. I'm tired of giving everything to someone and in the end of the day it's still not enough for them.

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Hurt

Life is hard. I know that, because life is being hard for me since I don't know when. I'm tired of living but still I'm here fighting to live. I am not perfect, I'm just a human being. There are things I can't do and will never do. Complaining is my way of expressing how i feel. Still, someone thinks that I'm lazy enough to fight and pursue for a better life. Does complaining already some up for what I'm capable of? Does complaining about life being hard on me is a way of defeat? Am i not allowed to complain anymore just to please everyone?

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Tired

Being the eldest in the family is hard. You have to take on the responsibility of a father, understanding like a mother and a bestfriend to your siblings. It is a tough job. A job you can't quit.

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Still in Pain 11/29/16

I'm disappointed with myself. I felt so stupid . People is treating me like a trash.

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Wrong turn. (11/17/16)

So I decided to take a step forward. There’s this guy that I met in a dating app. He’s about 6'1 tall, 32 years of age, never been married and no kids (hmmm why not?looks like a good catch). I decided to meet him. We dine, watch a movie and he gave me flowers. He’s sweet, gentleman and thoughtful. So, I said to myself “maybe this will workout.” We meet again by the following days. Then he ask me if I would like to spend my thanksgiving dinner with Him and His family and I thought(wow! He might like me that much ‘coz he will introduced me to his family already) so I said yes. Thanksgiving dinner turned out fine, he’s family is accommodating, they’re all nice to me even though he said that his family is fucked up but for me they’re nice people with beliefs on their own. After the dinner we watch a movie with his niece, it all turned out fine to me (this will work out). But then again i shouldn’t have expected too much from him. The next day I got a message from him stating that he talked to his ex asking her if they can sort things out and be together again and he’s sorry that he thought he can make a relationship with me and that he’s unsure about me but he still want to hangout with me and do movies and such. He’s just not ready to have a relationship and he wants to move on first before he will jump into a relationship again. (Wtf???? He wants me to be his fling!?!?!) and it dawned to me, I just make a WRONG TURN.

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Unmoved me. (9/15/16)

Moving on is easy said than done… I thought I already accepted the fact that He’s happy with her but that’s what I thought not what I feel. I can’t accept the fact that he cheated on me, I can’t accept the fact that all the promises of having a future, building a family and a love that will lasts forever are shattered into pieces. The fact that all those are lies makes me ask myself “am i not worthy enough to be taken cared of? Where did I go wrong? I give every love I could muster but still it's not enough?i gave everything for our relationship but still not enough?" all those things and questions left unanswered. How can I moved on if I still have this unanswered questions? He don’t even have the decency to say sorry and explain why did he do what he’s done.