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[txguy-x]

A Letter to one of my best friends, A.

My dearest A, If only I could tell you about what’s been going on in my life. I wish I could just pick up the phone and drown you in my worries and sorrows. We both agreed I wouldn’t do that, not this time.

This time it happened you distanced yourself from me. I don’t blame you or hold any resentment towards your decision. You’re a smart gal and would hate to burden you with my problems and issues. Especially when you’ve witnessed all the past events involving Him.

If only I could tell you. If only I could explain. If only I could sob on your shoulder and let you know that you were right. Right about Him and me not being good for one another.

You were right A. You were right about the past, present and even the future. Things aren’t getting better, if anything everything is getting worse. I should’ve listened to your advice and taken some sort of action to save myself from all of the anguish and heartache.

You’ve always been there for me and for that I will always be grateful. You are truly someone that I will always hold close to my heart. I will always cherish our crazy adventures together. I will even cherish our emotional breakdowns, only because we were lucky enough to have each other.

It hurts to not have you by my side. It hurts that we aren’t really talking right now. I know you’re sad and angry with me but I’m sad too A. Most people don’t see it, most people think my life is great. You know the truth though. You know that I’m not ok being with him.

I thought things would be different, He said they would. Since our departure I’ve been beaten physically and emotionally, you’d be disappointed in me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone tbh. I don’t blame you for my loneliness. I blame my heart, my heart who mislead me into believing that things would improve, that things would be good.

It’s embarrassing. This is not how it was suppose to go. I’ve been behind bars, stripped naked and put in a cell. Again, you’d be disappointed that I let it get that far. I can’t believe it either. I don’t recognize myself right now. You always reminded me of who I was. I try to remind myself but it’s not the same. Nothing is the same without you by my side.

I chose wrong. I should’ve chosen you, us, my happy life. Idk why I’m even writing this. I doubt you’ll ever read it but I just wanted to let you know that I miss you sooo much. I miss you so much that my heart aches when I think about you not by my side. I miss you so much that I cry every time I think about us not really talking. I know it sounds so dramatic but it’s true. An overwhelming sense of emotion overcomes me when I think about us.

You are one of the most special people I’ve ever been close to.

I hope you’re there when I ride out these waves of chaos, disaster and sorrows.

Even if you’re not, I’ll be there. I’ll always be there for you. You’re still my person 💙

[txguy-x]

I once thought I needed saving. Saving from my ongoing sprinting thoughts, saving from my life situations, saving from my emotions. I once thought I needed saving from myself.

My thoughts once ran wild like the horses out in Montana and Wyoming, my actions were once as strong as a roaring river and my thoughts, they’re still as unpredictable as a summer thunderstorm. I’m known to be impulsive, unpredictable and sometimes reckless.

I have been made to think that the way I feel is wrong. That the way I feel, and the way that I think and the way I react are maladaptive forms of coping due to past trauma. Several attempts have been made to not think for myself, to believe that His way is the right and only way.

He’s tried to diminish my thoughts, actions and emotions. He’s tried to control and put out my desire to fight back against his ill will. He’s strategic and complex in every way possible. I have never met anyone so manipulative yet charming.

Ive been told over and over again that I am damaged, that I’m broken and that there are several things wrong with me. I have been made to feel that I am damaged goods that need “fixing”

I once thought I knew myself, I once thought I knew what I wanted, I once thought I knew who I wanted. I once thought I had it in me.

I once thought I had it in me to overcome any obstacle, to finish any goal proposed, to live my life the way I wanted. He’s tried changing my goals, obstacles and ambitions. I once thought I knew who I was

Nowadays I just feel doubt. Doubt to overcome obstacles, doubt on how to live my life. Doubt on who I am, all because someone I love.

I feel nothing. Desires, goals and obstacles vanished, no need to care when you’re made to feel so little. Creativity, imagination and feelings diminished.

He was suppose to be the one to protect me and care for me. Maybe I never needed protection. Maybe I never needed him.

But He’s here now. I’m stuck between a wall and a sword. I’m ok with taking the sword, or so I think. He’s got me under his thumb and right now I feel hopeless and I know I’m at His mercy. But, that’s just for right now…

Things change. I always do. Maybe it’ll get better but I’m pretty sure it won’t. For the first time in a very long time I can’t run

I can’t run from my problems, I can’t run from my home and I sure as hell can’t run from Him. Right now.

For once, luck isn’t on my side. For once I feel hopeless and stuck. For once I feel defeated.