tybysis

[tybysis]

3:27 pm

Hey Ty! 

I haven’t written in a while, but I told Kitty to journal, so I will too! 

It’s been about a year or so it’s time for some big catch up. Oh boy. 

So, firstly what I will mention is that I was right - I did not do Light Brigade this season. I was on and off about it, but then Jahleel died. Jiggy was my cousin, the one born less than a year before me. He was… a big part of a lot of my childhood memories, but we grew apart. He went into the military as almost all my cousins did, and I stopped seeing him. We used to always meet up at my grandma’s place when we were younger, spent whole summers there just hanging out, but once we hit high school that just stopped happening. I remember getting updates through mom-mom - Jahleel got a girlfriend, he knocked his girlfriend up, he was in the military, he was overseas, he got a new girlfriend, he got married, etc - but I only talked to him after high school once - my grandpa’s funeral because he was overseas and someone handed me the phone while he was being facetimed. Me, being me, was awkward as hell. I didn’t want to be handed no damn phone, but I was. I asked how he was, and he said “...it’s rough out here. But how are you?” and I said “good” and then I handed the phone off to someone else who wanted it. I think about that a lot. 

In September, just as I got to a Light Brigade spin camp, Auntie Val called me in tears and told me that they found Jahleel’s body. I was so completely caught off guard. I parked the car and just kind of was like… okay. She just wanted to make sure I didn’t get blindsided by the news, she wanted to make sure someone told me, and then she hung up. Auntie Val is not Jahleel’s ma, that’s Auntie Corine, but clearly she was not in any state to be making calls. 

Now, I got no more details. I went to the spin camp, but it felt… off. I thought about how many things I’ve missed because of guard, how many baby showers, birthday parties, weddings, things I was invited to but had prior commitments to Light Brigade, for EIGHT YEARS, it sort of all cumulated. Plus, because I explained that there was a family emergency and that I’d be keeping my phone on me to Ms. Shiela, some random bitch sat where I always sit. Just to the left of Nelly in the middle. And when I was like “hey, that’s where I sit” she was just like “Well, Nelly said I could sit here, so.” And I was just like “...okay.” and sat further into the corner. 

Stacey was also there, and she was revealed to be the dance instructor for the season. I… abhor Stacey. I’ve never really liked her, and apparently it showed on my face whenever she opened her mouth because Jeff kept being like “Kay your FACE” under his breath. 

Then, they changed an across the floor I had memorized and I was just like… no. No. I can’t be here anymore. And I told Ms. Shiela and went home. I tried to call my Auntie Corine during the ride home, because I was afraid she was alone, but it turns out she was with his family. Which is good. But I was so concerned that she was alone in D.C. and wanted to make sure someone was taking care of her. 

At that time, I was still working as an insurance agent, which was a rough job if there ever was one. On top of the emotional drag of working at a call center, the job was very involved, and while I loved helping people, and I loved my clients, it was too much for me. I didn’t even notice how bad it got until Josh told me that maybe what I should do is take FMLA leave for a few months since I had short term disability insurance anyway. 

…So, I lived through the rest of that week somehow. Shalonda texted me to make sure I knew and I was like “...yeah, but I got no details” so we made a time to talk after we were both off work. Shalonda explained that she didn’t know what triggered him or anything, but he went out with his friends and they were drinking, then he got home, sat in his car in the garage, and shot himself with his service pistol. 

Me: …Oh. 

Shalonda: …yeah… that’s what our cousin decided to do. So, the question we are all asking each other is… are you GOOD? 

This made me laugh. Shalonda got me the details and mom and I went to the funeral together. We got a hotel down in Virginia and went to the service, I drove the whole time. I do not do viewings as a rule - never have, never will - and so we were a little late to the service, (Shalonda texted me “not going was a good call cause it is SAD in here”) but we got there in time to hear Shalonda read the eulogy. She broke down by the end. Luckily Malcolm - her husband - was there and helped her off stage. We sat in the back. By the time the service was over - and they did a 21 gun salute, which was AWFUL by the way, because of how he died - I was ready to leave. Dad didn’t go, because he does not do funerals. Afterward, I was just thinking about how all my aunts look so much older, how I didn’t recognize my cousins’ kids, how I’d never met ANY of Jahleel’s. Right after the service everyone saw me and we hugged. Lil Mark - the eldest cousin - found me first, said he was so happy to see me, and wrapped me in a hug. He hugged me for a while. I didn’t let go until he did. As the cousin who usually lived furthest from everyone, it was nice, but I felt a bit awkward, even though I knew he needed it. Not awkward as in uncomfortable - I would let any of my cousins hug me for hours - but more that I didn’t know what to do but hold him in that moment, when to let go, or anything, but in the end it was alright. Because being with my family is a safe space. 

Sugar, Jahleel’s lil sister, the youngest cousin, hugged me and said only “We shouldn’t be meeting again like this, man.” and she’s right. From what I can tell, Sugar usually is. This is around when I started getting imposter syndrome. I stayed quiet, but off my phone, drove from the service to the reception, or whatever it’s called for funerals, and helped set up the room. Once that was done there was still so much time left, so I sat down at a table with mom. Lil Mark came and sat across the table from me. I was having trouble talking - I went nonverbal a bit since the service, understandably - but mom picked up my end of the conversation for me. She told him how I was driving now, and that I’d driven all the way down there. Lil Mark was so surprised! Because I am notoriously nervous about driving - I didn’t get my license until uh… almost a year now, with a year of driving on my permit first. 

Lil Mark went on to talk about how his eldest kid is 18 now, which is CRAZY, and showed me pictures. A bit later, it was time for everyone to get up and tell stories about Jahleel. The imposter syndrome kicked into overdrive then. I started to feel like I knew NOTHING about Jah. They told so many stories about him, how he was always happy, always had a laugh, always was trying to make sure everyone was comfortable, was a light in everyone’s life, how he was a ladies man, and I just… didn’t have any stories like that. Mom went up last, and told stories from when Jiggy and I were younger, about how when he was a lil guy and I was still in her stomach, Jiggy sat on her lap and I moved and touched him, and he was confused, and then he never sat on her lap again even after I was born. She told about how when we were younger, we had met one of mom-mom’s boyfriend - Mr. Moe - and that we waited until mom-mom had gone into the kitchen to demand Mr. Moe tell us what his intentions with our grandmother was. How we ganged up and demanded he treat our grandmother right while her back was turned. Those at least made me feel better, because for the rest of the stories, I just hadn’t been there. 

I was just kind of sitting there, even as people got food and stuff, but then Shalonda came over and hugged me and she asked me “Are you okay?” and I completely broke down. I cried like a baby, clung to her and sobbed. Like, that was my cousin too, even though I didn’t know him much when we were older. That was still my family. That was still my Jiggy. And Shalonda held me, and then Lil Mark came over, and then so did Tamikah. All my older cousins surrounded me and gave me a big group hug until I could breathe and nod that I was okay. I heard my aunts saying quietly that “It hadn’t hit her yet.” as my cousins hugged me. And, honestly? I think that hug may have saved my life. I’m so serious. I knew that I was safe, that I was surrounded by people who loved me and understood what I was feeling, that they all loved me, and that they would always love me, because they’re my family. 

After the funeral, I went home and went back to work. It sucked. This is when Josh mentioned FMLA leave, because I was not coping well. So I went on leave in October for three months, and used it to try and regulate myself and cope. Spent the first month just kind of laying there, and then just kind of got through the grief. Shalonda checked on me some, and we also you know, started texting and stuff, but then January came around and my Auntie Val got married. She invited me to the wedding, so I of course went. I got a plane ticket to Florida and went to spend time there. 

…other things happened during my leave. Before I went on leave I broke up with Josh. That was a long time coming. He was not being a good friend, or much of a friend at all, and always put me not even second or third. So, instead I said we’d break up until he could prove we could rebuild our friendship. That was in September. He did not get better. 

Over leave he did take care of me while I was grieving, and as it was his idea for me to go on leave, I will forever be thankful for that, but he just was not a good S/O, roommate, or friend to me. He was inconsiderate in a lot of small ways that made me feel bad, and the way he did not… I don’t really even want to get into it, Ty. The example I always give is that even after 5 years he still came home with food just for himself without asking me if I’d eaten, and would eat it in front of me at MY desk. Like, that is enough for all my cousins to be like “he WHAT” and that’s the summary of it all. 

Kitty came up to take care of me in January, because we were both not working, and she just laid with me and helped me survive. It was really nice. I started to feel not only loved, but actually taken care of and cherished. That is the real reason I thought I could go back to work, because Kitty made me feel safe and happy enough to get back to some semblance of normal. When Kitty left, I went to Auntie’s funeral, and it was great! 

Down in Florida I spent time with my cousins. It was awkward at first, because I didn’t really know what to do or how to be a person that would be accepted, but eventually I just had to realize that the person they wanted me to be… was ME. Like, they weren’t trying to fit me in any box, they just were happy I was there. Because again, I was the cousin that spent a lot of time at Mom-mom’s when she was in Jersey, but once she moved to Florida, no one saw me. The same is true for everyone else, though. I talked about it with Lil Mark (who did not go to the wedding, by the way) at the funeral, about how I just thought that he and Tamikah, since they lived in the same town, and his parents - my auntie Cheryl and uncle Mark - would see each other all the time, and I just didn’t get any invites. Lil Mark was adamant that that was NOT TRUE, the family just hadn’t done ANYTHING since COVID except for the random Thanksgiving that I ended up not going to at Auntie Val’s last year. Everyone felt that everyone else was spending time together, but that just wasn’t true. And we wish we had thought about it earlier, because if we had, maybe Jiggy would still be alive.

But, anyway. The wedding was a lot of fun. I got to meet my cousins’ kids, as well as Cece, a cousin I didn’t actually know I had, but was the baby mama Jahleel had that I mentioned earlier. 

Cece is really cool, she also was in the service - I am from a military family whether I like it or not - and she has a boy named Cayson. Cayson is a sweetie pie, and he is really into dinosaurs. Auntie Corine and Sugar were really good grandma/auntie to him, and he was really kind. 

Tamikah and John Marshall have three kids, Eva, who is like, out of high school now I think? Idk. She was one who I was kind of awkward with because I didn’t want her to think I was judging her or anything and I am just quiet in general. Next is John Marshall Jr, who they call Shink. Shink is a ball of energy, and he can talk about ANYTHING. I love Shink, okay. I love everything he talks about. He told me about how his favorite number is 18, how he wants to play professional football, how his best friend at school put up his middle finger and so John Marshall did too, because he didn’t know what it meant, but now that he knows, he won’t do it anymore. Big John Marshall and Tamikah were tired of him talking because he’ll just talk and talk and talk, but I thought it was delightful. 

Lastly, they have Reign, who is still very very small. She is running around, but still wearing the shoes that slip on easy, if that makes sense. She is a precious lil one, and a happy happy baby. I got to put her in her carseat a few times and carried her around, while talking to Lil JMo and Cayson. They were just so energetic and it was great to watch them just love each other and play around. 

Shalonda also has a baby, his name is…. uhhhhh

[tybysis]

8:25pm

Well... How did I get here?

Hey Ty! Happy August! It’s Kitty month, because Kitty’s birthday is the 11th. I actually have a paid day off on her birthday to make sure I can spend as much time with her as she’d like, even if it’s only online for now. Makes me happy to know that I’ve made that time for her, special, as she deserves. 

I hung out with Rose today! We went and saw the Barbie movie, and got ramen and caught up. We ended up talking about a whole lot of things, trying to catch each other up on everything since high school. We’d seen each other in passing since then, but we hadn’t actually talked, ya know? We caught each other up on The Tea™, little as there was. She told me about Cas and her living situation, and I talked about Gem and Mags and Kitty and Curse and Aza. I think as far as general overviews go, it went well. I also let Rose know that she is on the list of people I wouldn’t mind living with, and if anything happens she knows that my home is always open to her. As are my DMs, if she wants to talk. We reconnected a bit and it was really nice! 

I think I’ve decided that I’m not going to do Light Brigade this year. Which… I say every off season. But it really has been 8 entire years. I think that with all the changes happening this next year, I probably need to be home more. Just getting into the groove of things. After all, that is a lot of changes - mom moving away, Kitty, Curse, and Aza moving up here, potentially getting an IRS job so I can be happier - things like that. And while I’ve been doing okay staying constantly busy… I don’t want to do that anymore. I was SO busy prepandemic, so much work and guard and classes and blah blah blah. I want a year of just rest. Of chillin’. Lol. And I love guard so so much, but maybe its time I retired. This last season was amazing, but after COVID, making it through the runs were hard. Like, really hard. 

Josh and I had a chat about the romantic vs platonic thing on Monday, and he wanted to be sure that I wasn’t insulted by him mentioning that he may just think of me as a very good friend and that romance was just another room in the house, so to speak. George - his therapist - had mentioned that the phrasing may have been insulting. Lol! But I told him the truth that it was actually kind of freeing. Knowing that, I was able to assess and be truthful about my own feelings without worrying about hurting him. After all, even if Josh and I decided to just be friends, or friends with benefits, or whatever, we’ll still live together and support each other and be a team. It’s giving mom-mom and pop-pop Peebles, tbh. 

I’ve been thinking about whether or not our relationship has maybe run its course? Because he stayed because of the pandemic, and we’ve been forced to be together often because of our living situation, there was nowhere for him to go. Not that I wanted him to, we just wouldn’t have been able to afford it anyway. The thing about that though is that now that we’ve had the conversation I feel… less pressure? I guess? I no longer feel like he has a stated expectation for intimacy and closeness, which in turn makes me more open to it. Therapy Works™! I dunno. Since that conversation I’ve wanted him to be closer and I’ve wanted to cuddle up more than I have in a long time? Idk bro. 

I also! Today! Got my nexplanon replaced! Only TWO YEARS overdue! Lmao. So I have a bunch of gauze wrapped around my arm and a bandaid and my arm ACHES every so often, but it’s not so bad. I’m worried, though. I had a lot of really bad emotional fluxuations when I got my first one. That being said, it was five years ago, and a LOT more was happening then, but still. I have gotten to a place of supposed calm and ease, and I’m worried that the hormone fluctuation will change that. I’ll probably just cry more lol. That’s what happened before - I started sobbing because Markiplier was playing a game as a tree and then jumped into a saw. Lol. So maybe I get Even Softer with the hormones in me. Which. Sure. As long as I’m not Even Softer and pregnant! 

The added bonus is that if birth control gets outlawed, since we’re in a country that cares very little for people like me, I have three (to five) years of it just in my arm. I can just pretend it’s not there lol. If the, like, birth control police or whatever knock on my door. 

Today was productive and busy, so now I am sitting on the bed reading Dracula. I’m at the point in the day where I’m not sure what I want to do, but I definitely want to vibe. Kitty and I are going to watch Good Omens whenever she feels better - when she’s in pain, she can’t focus on much of anything - but in the meantime I find myself between hobbies. I am reading and doodling and rolled a dice to choose which to do. I am also rping, as I always am, and that helps. Lol. Makes me feel alive. 

I also talked to Rose about Rhys, and everything that happened with that. She said that she understands how I feel about them and like, as I agree with, good for them, I’m glad they’re successful, it just doesn’t have to be With Me. We also talked about successful creativity and how hard it was to continue to create during the pandemic, and it was just a really nice talk. Now I just send her memes! 

Last things last, our friend Lana decided to try going by she/her and being called Lana! I’m so excited for her! I hope that she is able to find out who she is and hope she gets comfortable with it. 

I thought about it because Rose and I saw the Barbie movie, and every woman I’ve talked to who’s seen it has cried. I did not. Afterward it hit me why - I’m not a woman! Lol. It was a good movie with a good message, and apparently one of those movies where people watch it and then break up with their boyfriends (just like Midsommer and Gone Girl! lol) but it really just cemented for me that I don’t really connect with the message like I would, and also, that I don’t feel like I’m expected to or have to. That’s nice.

Anyway, Ty, thanks for listening as always. It’s a good day for a good day. :) 

[tybysis]

The purest form of love is consideration. When someone thinks about how things would make you feel. Pays attention to detail. Holds you in regard when making decisions that could affect you. In any bond, how much they care about you can be found in how much they consider you

[tybysis]

1:38pm

The following is an explanation on the difference between platonic + romantic attraction as I explained to Josh, my S/O, over discord. lol. Figured I should write it down for the record. Copied unedited, with the emotes written in plain text cause im not learning how to insert them into tumblr.

I have also been thinking a lot about platonic vs romantic. Because for me, it has always just been "this is someone I want to spend my life with" and definitive.

Okay, romantic vs platonic thinking

For me, platonic and romantic are also similar, but it's also things that I would be willing to do for some person that I wouldn't be able to do for others

for my purpose, I'm splitting the people we know into catagories. EXL and Curse in one, Aza in another, and you and Kitty in the last one.

For my close friends, I think of them more like close family. That's Aza's catagory.

So, for example, (and I am being EXTREMELY lenient putting EXL and Curse in the same catagory, for the record. Technically EXL deserves better than that, but I wanted to clearly differentiate them from Aza)

Curse and EXL are not people I would care if I never met them IRL. I don't have a particular need or want for them to be closeby, and I definitely would be iffy about living with them. Both from a trust standpoint and I don't really know them well or have an interest in getting to know them more.

Reaching out to them takes considerable effort and it has to occur to me - I had to stop and go out of my way to remember to play a game with EXL, and when it does occur to me, I do it and think of it as a sort of... olive branch?

it would be nice if it happened, but I wouldn't be disappointed if it fell through or if EXL ended up being busy.

If EXL didn't message me, I wouldn't really think about it too much or wonder about if he was busy or if he didn't like me, I would just kind of be like "oh well" and move on, it wouldn't effect me emotionally.

If they never visited, I wouldn't be sad about it, and it's cool with me to just kind of play a game with EXL once a month and maybe not hear his voice in vc, but know that I like him and we're friends.

I wouldn't mind spending time with EXL and I know that it makes me happy when I do, I just wouldn't chase it if it ran. Sort of like petting or feeding an animal that doesn't belong to you. If it decides it doesn't want pets or doesn't want to come close to you, that's okay. It's just living its life. Vibes.

Aza is different from that.

I love Aza, and I actively reach out to her to check in on her if she crosses my mind - and she does. Often. I want to hang out with Aza. I would make a lot of compromises to make it happen, even if it were to inconvenience me, because I want Aza around.

I want her closeby and if she were to live with me, I know it would make me happier, because I trust her.

She has habits that annoy me, but I am willing to work around them in ways that I wouldn't be for EXL or Curse, because being around Aza is worth that compromise. I know that I can communicate with her and have worked to make sure we are both clear with each other. I know there are things that I can talk about with Aza that I might not be able to talk about with anyone else, because there is a level of trust and love there.

However, while it would make me sad, if Aza decided to not be friends with me anymore, I could weather it. It would suck, for sure, and I would be upset for a while, but I know that if she decided it was what she wanted, regardless of reasoning, I could recover.

I also could see us getting distant over time, if we stayed away from each other, sort of like how me and Edman ended up. But, if we were able to meet back up after that, Im sure that we would catch up and our friendship would continue the same way it had been.

And while I wouldn't like it to happen, I can see Aza and I naturally getting distant over time because that just happens sometimes. I am putting in the work now so that it doesn't, but it is a mutual putting in of work, and if circumstances were to arise - like another world pandemic - I can see it.

I also have never thought of dating Aza. I've never thought about cuddling up to her. I've never thought of kissing her.

like, I know that we could be in a group cuddle, or we could both cuddle Kitty, and it doesn't bother me and it would be nice, but I don't actively be like "oh wow, cuddling Aza, hell yeah"

this is also me being minecraft cat like though

I chose Aza for this example because she is also AFAB and as we discussed like, I probably have AMAB trauma. I thought a lot about cuddling Gabe in high school but it terrified me. Though, I guess cuddling Carlee also terrified me.

:VezraThink: 

lastly, when it comes to supporting Aza, I would, of course, send money if she needed it, but I would look at my budget first. I also would ask Aza for money in a way that I wouldn't ask Curse or EXL.

not just cause they don't have it, but because it's a level of trust sort of thing.

I buy gifts for Aza on her birthday maybe.

but it isn't a priority. I do it because Kitty does it and it reminds me to. I know when Aza's birthday is because it's on the calendar and I checked in advance and know of things that happen AROUND that date so I can remember - a la the Barbie movie.

But I will get her, EXL, and Curse christmas gifts.

I actually will put Iwa in the Aza or EXL catagory. They're kinda in the middle becasue I consider them actual, like, real family. So I didn't think to include them. That's my little cousin asdkjfhajlkdhsaljdfh

Last catagory is you and Kitty.

These are the two closest people to me, the people I love the most. Easy.

The differentiation here is kind of simple in my brain, but what I can describe it as is that ya'll are priority one. Mom is also priority one, but it is different.

For ya'll, my needs are sort of instinctually secondary. My priorities are your happiness and such.

When it comes to gift giving, my brain is automatic. If Kitty wants something, I have to actively decide not to get it. If you want something, I have to actively tell you to remember to budget because we have bills

:JuliEhh:

But even when it goes against budget, I will get you or Kitty something. I put self perimeters on it, because if I didn't I wouldn't be able to support you guys, but like... that's why even when I don't have money, if you ask enough, I'll pay for us to get food. If the bills are paid, I will buy Kitty a plushie. That's kind of why I went a bit crazy when I got this job - my budget was insane suddenly. I spent like $600 on Kitty and you in the first two months of having it.

:NoemiDerp:

I don't regret it, but it did make me have to be stricter with myself lmao

I actively go out of my way to support you both. I decided I would support Kitty and that she would live here and started working toward it immediately. When I knew you needed somewhere to go, I started working on it too. Usually these plans are just long term and mom is the one who was like "how about he come here!" which is insane but asjdlfhaskdjfh

I don't waver in my resolution. I don't care about the obstacles. I will compromise and move mountains if it means that you and Kitty are supported.

It's sort of different for you, I think, because I worry that you need to learn how to take care of yourself - I don't as readily support you because I need to know that you can support yourself? Cause you never really were in a position where you had to, where Kitty has been fighting for her life like, her whole life lol.

In that same vein, when I love someone, my brain is filled to the brim with details.

I can just recall dates for them, the names of people in their past, events, things that happen around them, pets, etc

Their favorite things, the people who have hurt them, information about the things they create

I know that Kitty's birthday is August 11th, I know that yours is November 26th.

I also know that Khiva's birthday is Markiplier's and that Kitty's birthday is hers and Kadan's is the 8th and Richard's is the 13th of February

I am full of tidbits and knowledge about things that I wouldn't be if it were not important to Kitty or you.

If there are too many hours where Kitty doesn't message me I start getting worried. I tried to check in on her while she was next to me because the instinct to check discord for her messages is innate.

this doesn't happen to me with you because you will just walk into my house

:VerrisLaugh:

I trust you and Kitty to take care of me. I know that it might not seem like a lot, and that it may seem extremely troublesome that I ask you to get things for me from the kitchen and living room and stuff, but the reason I can and do do that is because I trust you to. I am someone who before you, didn't let anyone take care of me. Not even mom, really, though she did. I didn't trust that anyone would want to, and if they did, I didn't trust that they'd do it right. I am not someone who is vulnerable often. I was, outwardly, for a long time, like an action hero. One tear allowed for all situations. I never let myself be soft or gentle. Now I'm like that all the time because I trust that you and Kitty won't hurt me.

And if you remember, sometimes that meant that when I couldn't move and got stuck, I just didn't eat.

I just didn't move

so trusting that you will go get things for me or help me up was a big step for me and still is a pretty big deal to me.

I also can tell at a glance if you'd like something, or if Kitty would, and if I can afford it, I just get it. I just send money. Because that's what Kitty deserves. You have your own money and need to buy things for yourself cause you won't! Askdfasdfljahds

:ydearsysthink: 

idk if this is still making sense.

Now, when it comes to romantic feelings, I think that maybe the difference could be, like... willingness to do things?

I dunno if it is just because Kitty is not here all the time or if it is just that you're a bottom and I'm sure I can talk you out of things, but I think if Kitty was like "I really want to go to the movies" I would make plans to do so. I think maybe our issue is that you always do this thing where you're like TODAY I want to do this, and sometimes it really throws me off.

Like if you told me you wanted to see the Barbie movie I would look into the showings and plan a time for me to do it, rather than the days you walk in like "There's a movie in 2 hours and we should go"

however, I also…

:NinaHmm:

I don't think there is an amount of cuddling that would overwhelm me with Kitty. That is largely because I know that if I were to give her affection and then stop when I felt like I was starting to get overwhelmed, she wouldn't complain (though she'd maybe pout about it) where as no amount of affection I give seems to be enough for you.

:NinaDissociate:

There's a lot of pressure for me to be affectionate with you that simply isn't there for Kitty.

Not just because of the nature of our relationships, but because that's how you like, are.

my No is never a no for you and I know that it is an immediate no the first time for Kitty and Aza.

:MaelDead:

In which case over time it makes me instinctively try to distance because like... it's uncomfortable.

There are things I would sacrifice and compromise for in order to keep you and Kitty close. One of which, of course, is Curse. When in other circumstances I would treat Curse the way I treat the Hoarder.

I also would not marry EXL, Aza, or Curse.

:worryweird:

it would not occur to me.

As time goes on people like slide back and forth on this relationship scale, and I notice because of my willingness to talk to them as well as compromise, buy them things, provide for them, learn more about them etc.

And I want them closeby.

:VezraThink:

anyway hope this helps™️

oh, also, like, intimacy is a weird sort of scale for me bc as someone who has had a FWB before, romantic attraction is not inherently necessary for sexual attraction. I am, however, demi adjfhalksdjhfa

all of my FWBs have been long time friends first.

but Aza is not on that level with me and it would not occur to me, the thought of doing that with Curse makes me want to invert / scream until i puke blood.

But like, small smooches + intimacy w/ you or kitty would be okay. vibes man

anyway that's how I differentiate it

as a small fun aside, I only was intimate with Rhys because they were there both times. I wouldn't have made a move on them on my own because while I trusted them, and while I'd probably thought about it once or something, they were always in the Aza catagory. Does that mean that if you or Kitty asked I'd have a threesome with someone in that catagory? Probably. Or even a stranger or someone I hated. It doesn't bother me because I am competitive.

:KittyShrug:

I am just this way.

[recording ends]

[tybysis]

1:52 am

Hey Ty!

Trying to get back into the swing of journaling, but I again feel like I don’t have anything to write. This can’t be true, of course - I do things every day - but there is no really big emotional things that seemed to happen every single day in highschool and before. Being away from my abusers has done wonders. There are many days that I do almost nothing at all, but watch a few episodes of a show with Kitty - we’re watching Sweet Tooth right now, and Bofuri - play a videogame - I downloaded Dave The Diver for self-indulgent purposes - and take out the trash, which is my chore. I tell myself that I am frugal, but really, I am just used to being poor, which I don’t really think is the same thing. 

I’m working on paying off my credit card so that we’ll have a decent safety net when Kitty is here - can you imagine, a $2200 safety net? Jesus christ - and making a list in my head of things that need to be done in entirety before she and the others move up here. 

Mom mentioned that they’re still looking for places as well, but I told her ages ago - almost a whole year now, actually - that I planned to have Kitty living here by this Thanksgiving, or at the latest, this Christmas. That was before Curse imploded that plan. We didn’t learn what he’d done until it was the new year.

I meant to call Uncle David and Mom-mom Peebles this weekend, but didn’t. Time is kind of fucky, and it always has been, but the pandemic made it worse. I feel like it’s still 2021, when it definitely is 2023. I’m almost 30. Jesus christ. 

Speaking of, I don’t read the Bible or do bible study anymore, and I stopped going to church when we moved. CCV was part of my ever-full schedule of things to be doing that weren’t being idle at home, and once we were far from it, I didn’t feel like going through the hassle of trying to find a church. Especially since the vast majority of my religion is bigots and racists, most of which would be in the churches around here. Because we moved deeper into Trump Country. There are people who have Trump 2024 or w/e signs on their lawns. But there are also people who vandalize those signs, so… white on white crime I guess. Working at BJs I met a whole lot of people with just ass opinions about others, and working the phones I’ll get clients that will go into xenophobic or racist tirades. I don’t do anything but weather through it and get disgusted, but at least I know that those people are out there and real. I remember one of my first customers was a person in PA who was talking about how she didn’t trust anyone because of COVID, and how she was taking care of her two adult special needs children and had been on her own for about a decade. All she watched was Fox News and that alt right tv station that John Oliver did a whole thing on. I remember that she said specifically “I don’t see how they could make a chip so small that it could be put in a vaccine, but that’s what they say”, and I was like… you’re so close to getting it. But all I said was “You’re right, that does sound really unlikely.” and the conversation moved on. 

I like my job cause I really do help people every day when I can, and I get to speak to people and for a while, a good two hours, I get to know them a little. A lot of them are nuero-spicy, as the kids say, but I am able to understand them and logic it out of them because I am also that way. It’s easy to relate to people and simply be polite as I try to figure out a best way to help them. I get a lot of compliments about how helpful and efficient and professional I am - but I think being professional is just treating people like people and being polite. That is a cheat code I could have used earlier in life. It is easy to know what to do when you’ve been trained to do it, and then do it well. Selling insurance is easy that way. Once you understand it, you can teach it to others, so that people can understand their own medical decisions and payments and stuff. Medicare and Medicaid and all that stuff can be a bit ass backwards if you get the wrong definitions from the beginning, but once you get it straight, you can. 

My favorite customers are probably the Russians. We have an interpreter line we call and get translators, and then the three of us go through and have a conversation through the translator. Since reading Babel, I think about it a lot, but it really feels good to reach an understanding. I love being able to just explain and explain and check if they have questions, and at the end ask if they’re interested. I’ve always been told I’m a good sales person, but really I just explain things as straight forward as I can, and if it’s a good deal, the person can see for themselves. I haven’t convinced them of anything. I’ve always felt that way, even when selling A.C. Moore gold memberships or BJ’s credit cards. If it is a good fit for you, it is. If it isn’t, it isn’t, and there’s no pressure either way. 

We get a commission of $25 per sale and then get paid around the 3rd check of the following month, but I don’t really think that $25 is worth fucking someone over. Especially since medical insurance can make or break someone’s health and LIFE. There are coworkers who really get it - Ignitist is cool, because their slogan is Do Good, and they mean it - and there are coworkers who are clearly just in it for the money. One of them, a guy named Michael, irks me every time I see him in chat. Once, he made me so angry and upset by disregarding the needs of his client in order to make a sale that I had to go on an hour lunch. Thankfully, Christina, my supervisor, is always super understanding and she definitely talked to him and the post was deleted. 

Speaking of work, one of the things me and Hailey - my therapist - and I managed to do is get an ADA reasonable accomidation for me. The ADA is the Americans with Disabilities Act, and if you are diagnosed with one of the protected disorders or diseases, you can ask for a reasonable accommodation, and your job has to either accommodate you, or offer their own reasonable accommodation. All this to say, I work 32 hours a week - Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. My mental health is much better since doing so. Knowing that I only have to get through two shifts and then I get a break is a godsend. I actually read that a lot of companies in other countries have been trying the four day work week, and they’ve found, just like I have, that the work life balance is much much better. I can breathe. Before, I got a job not just because of the needing money bit, but because I needed to interact with other people or I just wouldn’t. Luckily, I still have a job that lets me do that, but I get to stay home. Thank god. I was having panic attacks from working the desk every single day. 

My job is still draining though. I call outbound, which means it’s a lot of getting hung up on and sometimes people are really rude. But I found that the repetition isn’t so bad if I’m drawing, or coloring, or if I have a headphone in listening to music in one ear while focusing with the other. It just works. I am good at my job, but that’s because when I put my mind to it, I can be good at anything. That’s how it works. 

Speaking of Art, it’s day 24 of Art Fight, which is an online website where people upload their ocs and draw other people’s for points. I’ve made so much art this art fight. My art growth is exponential. Kitty actually uploaded the first art I did of Richard, back in 2020, and then compared it to the first attack I did toward him this year, 2023, and the difference is insane. Like everything else, art is something that you get better at the more you do it. But art, like videogames, is one of those things I cannot monetize. Because it’s hard, sure, but also, because I don’t want to. When I was trying to be a youtuber and a twitch streamer - which we all have tried at least once I think lol - the thought of having to edit all our videos was fucking exhausting. Knowing that recording and playing and being funny wasn’t enough, but that I had to turn around and edit all of that in a funny way? No way, man. Not for me. I barely play videogames now unless I remind myself to do it and put it on my daily to do list. Because really, remembering to do things for myself is hard. 

Back when I was super busy, I only had time to watch things when it was with someone. Mags and I do Wednesday nights, which is just every Wednesday we watch some episodes of something, or a movie, together and just decompress over trast. The dedication to that over these years is the only reason we are still friends. I know that, because relationships are work, friendships are work, and you gotta do it even if it sucks, even if you don’t want to as much the next week, because it is a sign of devotion. Even if I’m not sure how I feel about Mags at the moment, at least I know that if things get rough, a plan works. That’s true with all friendships, and all relationships. If you are determined to make it work, then it could work. If it’s worth it.

But that means that when I am not watching things with someone, even if I have the time, it doesn’t occur to me to watch things on my own. I actually started watching Rise of the TMNT on netflix specifically because of that - because if I am not watching with someone, I do not watch. If I wasn’t playing games with someone, I did not game. And I need to do these little things for myself. That’s why I got my ipad. Because making art is only for me. I mean, during art fight it is also for the people whose characters I draw, and a lot of the time my art is of Kitty’s characters and mine interacting, but it’s self indulgent, it’s mine, and it’s for me. So I do a lot of it. 

I might upload my two different arts of Richard as a comparison, because I do think its a good reminder. I’ll put them under this so that I can have proof: 

[INSERT TWO (well three) RICHARDS HERE:]

Talk about improvement, amirite?

I also need to head to bed now, Ty. But it was nice talking to you again, getting used to hearing my voice again, knowing that my thoughts are important. 

I’ve been listening to Once In A Lifetime by the Talking Heads, which is one of my songs. Like, if I were to fall into the Upside Down, that is what would play to know what was going on. I always loved this song, from the first time I ever heard it. If it, Lake Pontchatrain, or the Nickelback cover of The Devil Went Down To Georgia aren’t my top song of the year, spotify is a fucking liar. Though I guess Betty (Get Money) is probably up there too. Those ones will definitely be in my top five, unless a new earworm comes out before November. It’s possible. NSP’s album with Thunder and Lightning came out in October and that song was in my top 3 despite it only being a month. Lol. Never underestimate the power of a single song on repeat. 

Anyway, sleep is important. Love you, Ty

Kay

[tybysis]

10:11 pm

Hey Ty, it’s been a bit! So we’re going to try and do a FIVE YEAR update. Which is kind of insane, but I’m 27 now - that is so many more years than I thought I’d be alive. We’re going to be 30 in three years. Holy shit. 

Chronologically speaking, the updates are thus: 

-Gem and I dated for a year. It was my first relationship, and it was both the most amazing thing I felt at the time, and all kinds of awful. Mags and I remained friends somehow, but I left that part of the friend group and started only hanging out with Gem, Josh, and Curse. Eventually we started a group chat that was just us, and Rhys, and Brendon. I think it was called Therapy Gang Gang? The point of it was that none of us but Rhys was in therapy and we all needed it. That being said, in the year or two that that group chat was a thing, I don’t think any of us in there got therapy. Lol.

-The short of it is that Gem - who transitioned after our relationship, she/her, goes by Sapphire, I gave her the nickname Gem and everyone always uses the nicknames I give lol - was someone who we would have an argument, they would promise to change, and then in a month or two they would go back to doing whatever it was with no memory of the prior conversation. They never made me a priority. They never seemed to care. When I paid for them to visit me, I paid for the hotel we stayed at and all, planned things for us to do, got off work, all that. But I knew from the moment I saw her step off the plane that I wasn’t actually into her. Because I almost left her there. I saw her, and I recognized that she was shorter than she said she was and that she looked almost completely different in person, and I didn’t like how she looked. But, I was sure that it would get better. It didn’t. She brought $500 cash from her father to use and didn’t use any of it except at the Franklin Institute, where she made a big deal about me asking for $5 chicken fingers instead of a $3 hot dog - with $500 in her pocket. She never bought me gifts, she never actually seemed to think of me as anything other than a person that was there to give her attention. Which sucked.

-During that is when Josh admitted to having feelings for me. He was 18 then, and I’d never thought about him that way because he was a baby. He asked me if I was happy in my relationship, and I broke down on call with him and ended up breaking up with Gem later that week. Our friendgroup stayed relatively together, but I social distanced from Gem. They had a new favorite player anyway by then - Rhys - and within a month of me breaking up with them, Rhys was dating them. They lied about it at first, with Rhys announcing on tumblr that they had a new girlfriend, and then when I asked for details they were cagey about it. After I think a day or two I just flat out asked if it was Gem, and they said that it was. I felt so absolutely betrayed. I was devastated. 

-There are a lot of things that were going on then. Like, for example, at that point Rhys was living with me, they were sleeping on my bedroom floor on an air mattress. They brought roaches into my apartment. They drowned their hermit crab while they were here. They were in an abusive situation and I got them out of it, but living with them was the absolute worst. Eventually, Josh moved up here and for a small while me and him and Rhys were all in the same bedroom, then Rhys got a place in Norristown for a bit. Now they live with Kit, from Eastern. They’ve got a few books out and writes for podcasts now. I don’t talk to them, have them blocked on twitter and tumblr, and have essentially went no contact.  There was a lot of emotional labor I did for Rhys over the years, and I don’t regret any of it, I just can’t do it anymore.

-There was a friends with benefits named Ben. Did I write about Ben here? The timing of it all is kind of wild to me. I dunno man. 

-In the middle of the night, mom and I left dad. We took all our stuff and just left while he was working and moved to a new apartment almost an hour from Royersford. We’d had bedbugs and the whole deal was unlivable, but I moved. Stayed in classes and did guard that whole time. I’m STILL doing Light Brigade, actually. I’ve done it every year since I joined. Rookie of the Year! -The new apartment is how Rhys and Josh lived with us, but it was originally just me and mom and Aereal. There’s a lot of ups and downs to living here, but it’s better than dad’s old place. He’s moved since. 

-Adjusting to a safe environment for the first time was hell. I mean it. There were a lot of mental breakdowns. It would have done me very well to remember that you were here, Ty, but I didn’t. I suffered through it. There’s a metaphor about a fire behind a closed door, that being somewhere safe is like opening that door and letting in the oxygen, and that all the things you kept behind that door rush out and burn everything. It was a lot like that. 

-I don’t really remember anything for the first few months after moving in except that I was getting up and going to classes, going to guard, doing the things I did back then. I had always fought my ideation with busy work - that’s why I joined Color Guard in high school. I had a day where I thought about the bath tub for too long, and I knew that soon enough the emptiness of doing nothing would be what I succumbed to and that my passive suicidal tendencies wouldn’t be so passive anymore. So I filled my scheduled with band and kept filling it - I worked at A.C. Moore (transferred to the one down here when we moved), I took three or four classes, I did Light Brigade on the weekends, I did theater production on some weekends, and then to spend time with friends when I got home late, I would hop onto a discord call for a dnd session and then pass out. It was so so much. I don’t fill my schedule like that anymore. Thanks, pandemic.

-My first priority when Josh was here and had moved in (it was mom’s idea of all things, Josh moving in. I would NEVER be like “I’ve been dating this guy a month, let’s move him in!”) was to get therapy. And I did. I’ve had therapy consistently since around my birthday that year. Whatever year that was. I remember cause my intake appointment was during Gem’s second visit here, where she and Rhys made me and Josh feel absolutely awful while hanging out at the mall, and Gem messaged me about how they had cum almost instantly and didn’t satisfy Rhys at all. I was a good friend then - I didn’t say “what like it’s hard”? As someone who has slept with Rhys adfjlaksdhf - and I had bought Gem a stuffed animal as a gift of friendship for while they were visiting. They handed the stuffed animal to Rhys right in front of me in the living room. I don’t talk to Gem anymore. 

-Mags and I are still friends. It’s rough sometimes, but we still do Wednesdays. Every Wednesday we watch something together. If nothing else, it is proof to me that relationships are work and that if you put in the time, the relationship CAN work. If you want to. 

-I eventually joined a server with my best friend in it. Her name is Kitty, and she is currently Curse’s wife. I decided that I wanted to be Kitty’s best friend, and so I am. I know everything about the characters she lets me interact with, I love her deeply, and I can’t wait to live with her. 

-Our gameplan for our future is called The Secret Base. It’s a house where me, Josh, Aza, and Kitty live. And Curse. If he can prove that he can be responsible. I don’t know if he will or not. For Kitty’s sake, I hope he does.

-I was never really close friends to Curse, or Korre as they used to go by, but according to him I was one of his best friends. This confused the shit out of me, but it’s far from the first time that someone has told me they thought we were closer than I thought we were. Relationships are kind of fucky. But, as I got closer to Kitty, I started to like him less and less. He did a lot of things that made me angry - he’s brushed Kitty’s hair with the carpet brush even though she is a germaphobe, he’s told her that he hates her parents more than he loves her, and just… so many things that were disregarding her comfort and undermining even as he swore he was doing everything FOR her. And then, at the end of last year, a bit before Christmas, he was fired for stealing a gift card. Rather than fuss up about it, he didn’t tell anyone, and continued to drive down the mountain like he was going to work. He bought himself a year of Playstation Plus knowing that they wouldn’t have any money for groceries or rent. Luckily, because they live with Kitty’s parents, they weren’t immediately homeless. But in any other situation they would have been, and that is why I can’t live with Curse unless he proves himself. Inviting in someone who has done that and expecting them to hold up their end of the bills would be stupidity, and I’m not going to risk my home, or the homes of my friends. 

-We came up with the solution that Curse is going to move up here when Kitty does. Kitty will be moving in with me and Josh, and Curse will be moving up here with Aza. If Curse can manage his finances for a full year - which is just the length of a lease - by himself, then he proves that he can be responsible. If he can’t, and he fucks it up, then Aza has the safety net of moving in with us, and Curse is just S.O.L. I worry about how that would effect Kitty, but I will simply plan as though he will be successful. Since we were told what Curse did, I have been doing my best to be no contact with him as well. I don’t respond to his messages in degeneral - which is the general chat of our discord - I don’t talk to him when I can hear him in vc, and I hadn’t responded to the two messages he made since letting me know that I have no obligation to forgive him and that he is trying to be better. However, I can’t really go no contact with someone who lives with Kitty. She’s my best friend, and Curse can just walk into the room with her and start talking. It jumpscares me every time he does. I realize that I would not and do not feel safe with him around, even if it’s just in vc, but I am willing to work on it if he can prove that he won’t get us all evicted. I don’t know how it’ll pan out, but I am hopeful, and just have to trust that the universe will rearrange in order to do what needs to be done, whatever that ends up meaning. 

-I will add a note here that Kitty says that Curse has been getting better. He is in therapy and on three different meds. He seems better. But seeming better isn’t enough for me. He has to BE better. It might be a rather irrational line in the sand, but it’s my line, and it’s staying there.

-Josh and I are together still, and it’s been three years. We’re a team, though sometimes it’s rough. Kitty and I often mention that we allow our S/Os to do things that we would be furious with if the other’s S/O does it. Josh was finally able to get medicated and he’s in therapy, and I’m still in therapy too. He’s been improving a lot since starting his meds, and I can tell that he’s happier. Throughout these last years, Josh has been a lifeboat. He moved in just before the pandemic and then was stuck here with me regardless. He and I have worked on things through our relationship and made compromises to keep it strong. There are days where I don’t quite know what I’m feeling, whether or not my attraction is romantic or platonic, and whether or not anything is wrong with that. I’m going to talk to Josh about it when I come to more of a conclusion. We’re both poly as well, which is just to say we’ve had a few conversations about who we would be okay with being in our polycule, and who we wouldn’t be. I love Kitty bunches, for example, but I can’t be in a polycule with Curse. Neither can Josh. So that’s that I guess. 

-Kitty and Aza came and stayed for a week for my birthday this year, and it went amazingly. They saw me perform my last show of the season in Wildwood, I drove us home, and we relaxed and hung out together. It really did just show that living together would work. Kitty and I slept next to each other and it was really nice. I sleep in a bed tent now, and she and I did it like the amish - no touching askdhjlfakjdshf. We were also supposed to cuddle up, but never ended up doing so despite talking about it three times. It made me think about how we make fun of our characters sometimes, because it was like two bottoms - no one made a move. I think that’s really funny, actually, but there will be plenty of time to cuddle in the future. We only have the rest of our lives.

-I have realized that when it comes to physical affection, I’m kind of like a minecraft cat. If someone tries to touch me, I instinctively move away from them or kind of dodge or get jumpscared. But if they don’t, I will eventually move over and start giving them affection. The trip with Aza and Kitty here was amazing. I had faith that it would go well, and it really really did. We went rollerskating, went to the art museum, did an escape room, saw the D&D movie, went for a walk, ate at a diner, and also just chilled in the living room and watched movies. It was a great week. I am extremely blessed to have the friends I have. 

-Kitty is plus sized, and she has long brown hair and really pretty eyes. Her voice is soft and musical, and though she is very anxious, she is also extremely assertive once she knows what she wants - or more accurately, knows what someone she cares about wants and knows she can get it for them. She is funny, and she has made an amazing world and cast of characters for a manga she plans on writing. She is also probably the kindest, most thoughtful person I know, and it is a crime that the people around her don’t tell her how amazing she is every day. Despite her kindness, though, she does have a mean streak, a love of a german word I cannot spell or say that starts with Sch- a delight in seeing the minor misfortunes of others, once that other has wronged someone (as long as the someone isn’t her, I guess). We roleplay every day in a server I made for me and Josh ages ago called the Secret Server, where we do text rp just like I used to do on HR. Kitty was also someone who RPed through the worst years of her life, just like me, and so we can basically rp through anything. She is wonderful and beautiful, and I am so so lucky that I was able to meet her and spend time with her and become her best friend. There were a lot of chances to not meet her - if I hadn’t joined Chris’s art stream back in 2015, if I hadn’t been attempting to watch Critical Role and ended up talking about wanting to try D&D, if I hadn’t met Gem and Josh and Curse and Al in that server, if the friendgroup hadn’t completely imploded, if I hadn’t dated Gem and then broke up with her, if I hadn’t agreed to join Curse’s wife’s campaign… there are so many things that had to go the way they did to get me where I am. And they did. Things went both right and terribly wrong in ways that taught me lessons, and I ended up the luckiest person in the world with the best best friend a person could ask for. I think about how happy I am just to be able to sit in vc with her almost every day. When she was here, I actually felt like I had in highschool around Carlee - an awareness of her even when I wasn’t looking at her, knowing what makes her anxious and trying to subvert it, knowing what makes her laugh and trying to do more of it, being nervous standing next to her if I didn’t know what to do, being nervous even when I did. The happiness paired with buzzy butterflies when I held her hand at the airport, the way everything seemed better when she smiled, bro what can I say? Even the absolutely mortifying fact that I asked her to hand me my phone three separate times from the instinct to check in on her - her who was ALREADY RIGHT NEXT TO ME, her who was HANDING ME MY PHONE - was funny when she grinned about it. I feel so happy hearing about her hyperfocuses - she knows so much about buying things from japan, she’s a collector, her favorite anime is FMA, her favorite color is green, her favorite sandwich is tuna from subway with american cheese, “a g string” of lettuce, olives, “a good bit” of pickles, “a good bit” of onions, and mayo, after letting it sit in the fridge overnight to get soggy. She loves sour candy and pickles and prefers sour and bitter to sweet. Everything she creates is just fantastic, from art to characters to worlds. My brain is full to bursting on facts about Veroica and Veronica’s worlds and characters, and I just want more information. I remember this feeling, and I remember what it means. 

-Anyway time to mention the autism. I have autism. Idk if it’s EXTREMELY CLEAR from my journaling or anything, Ty, but I am super autistic. The first time I thought about it was after a tryptophobic meltdown I had at age 6, back on Whitaker Ave, the haunted house. I shrugged it off and kept it pushing and it makes so many things in my life make sense now. I took the Radz-R, which is one of the diagnostic tests. I scored a 147. This is the same thing that Edman - who used to be Jiah - scored, and got formally diagnosed. Aza scored the same, and Kitty scored ten less. Josh also scored pretty high on it, as did Miranda. Did you know that 80% of autistic people who are AFAB are undiagnosed? Sure feels that way. The rise of tiktok and twitter for adhd / autism communities is really great, even if people are being weirdos about it. If tumblr taught me anything it’s how to curate my online experience. Blocking is free. Shinigami Eyes is also free, which makes it easier to block people. I simply would not engage. 

-I also make art now!!! At the beginning of the pandemic I bought myself an ipad and apple pencil with my stimulus check, and it was one of the greatest things I could do for myself. I did it to make sure that I had something self indulgent, something to do just for me, and after a brief attempt at commissions I decided to keep art that way. I draw what I want to draw when I want to do it, and it makes me so happy to see the improvement I’ve made after drawing so often for a few years now. I started in 2020 and it’s 2023. Time sure ain’t real. 

-As far as sexuality, I think I’m ace or demisexual, but I know I’m hypersexual with high libido. I am just this way. I’m also a switch, but only because I’m lazy and bossing people around is bothersome. Shikamaru style. So I just tell Josh to top and he does. Because he’s a bottom. Lmaoooo 

-Romatically I wonder if I’m aromantic sometimes, but it comes and goes. I think what it is is that the things that are supposed to mean romantic attraction do not really mean anything to me. But! That could just be the autism. I have always been someone who could see myself living the rest of my life with whomever my closest friends were at the time. Supporting them, living with them, getting to see them every day… What is love but that?

-I don’t really know what else to say. Jess and I have seen each other a few times, hung out, played some overcooked, watched some anime. It’s always nice to see her. My sister, perfect teacher, published poet, Jessica Ram. I am so proud every time I see a tweet or tiktok (she’s tiktok famous!!! Didja know? lol) with her in it. She also seems happier. I’m glad - it’s what she deserves. It’s what we both do. 

I’m almost thirty. I keep thinking about it. I thought I would be dead tomorrow for a long long long time, until one day I didn’t. I am surprised I lived to being 20, but 27??? It’s so crazy. And I’m realizing that maybe, at 30, I’ll be living my life in a way that makes me truly happy. My friends I love close enough to visit on a whim, the ability to knock on my best friend’s bedroom door and bother her just whenever, knowing that everyone in the house communicates clearly so that no one is confused or misinterprets anything. I know that my brain is different, but it’s always been this way, and I want to be able to know I am happy and living even if I don’t make a lot of money or get famous or well known. My stories are important even if I only ever tell them to my friends. My characters are loveable even if only my inner circle meets them. 

Honestly, Ty, I am in awe that I am alive and happy and able to feel this much emotion. Do you remember that I used to not feel anger? I didn’t recognize it for what it was? Well, with therapy and a shitty manager back at BJ’s - which I worked at and now I work from home??? By the way??? I sell medical insurance??? I’m licensed in 29 states??? - I do recognize it. Now I’m angry for those I care about all the time. I have new rage and what we call The Old Rage. My cardinal sins are pride, and lust, and wrath. 

Because I do not hate myself anymore, actually. I do not apologize for feeling things very often anymore, and I’m great. I am an amazing addition to anyone’s life. And those who have stopped talking to me lost out on me. That’s on them. 

I’m so happy to still be alive.

-Kay

[tybysis]

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[tybysis]

1:39pm

I have been working through my loneliness for a long time, Ty. You know that. I am happy to say that I have finally gotten to a point where I am okay with being alone. Loneliness had finally stopped dropping in on me, had finally ended up elsewhere, like an old friend who had never been that good to me.

My other friends had S/Os, but I no longer felt the need for one. I didn’t mind when they talked about them because I loved that they were happy. I am complete on my own. I am not half of anyone, not 3/4 worthy of a friendship or relationship. On one hand I had friends who being single was the prerequisite. Not speaking about my personal life was apparently the final straw for a lot of people. 

And if I’m honest that’s why this whole Mags thing hurts so much. She immediately jumped to the fact that she and Chris were in relationships. That I MUST want to be with Zach because I’m lonely, not even stopping to think that what we feel for each other might be real. Only that I must have been so excruciatingly lonely that I jumped on the first person to show any interest. 

Like, ouch.

She makes this point over and over that Zach isn’t impressive because he just does things that she did for me. That he isn’t special. And the point is, like. So what? Why does it matter that Mags was also willing to stay up with me and talk? Why does it matter that Zach wants to do it too? Why can’t I have two people who care about me? Why can’t he want to do it out of love just as much as she does? 

Because the reality is? I don’t NEED Zach. I am not bowing over backward to try and steal every second I can with him. Because I want to be around him. I like being able to see him and hear him speak. And isn’t that better than some twisted dependency? I love Zach because of who he is, because of his sense of humor, and his sense of duty, and the way he wants everyone to get along. The way he thinks everyone can be better. I love his stupid smile and his laugh. I love so much about him and I don’t understand why I can’t see him as extraordinary. He’s amazing to me. Why isn’t that enough?

But Mags will never understand that, because she doesn’t want to. And I guess I just have to be okay with that. 

I just.

I’ve been working so hard on myself, doing so much to not discount my own feelings, actually speaking up when I want to say things or feel something about things. I actually conquered my loneliness, and then Zach came along and offered companionship. and it’s nice that he’s there, and he makes me happy. Why should I have to defend this fact to anyone? Why isn’t my word enough?

Why would it matter if Mags could also do these things for me? I appreciate everything she’s done just as much as I love when Zach does it. Mags could be the sort of friend for me and have a boyfriend, why aren’t I held to the same standard?

I don’t understand it, Ty. I don’t know if I ever will, either. Because Mags never wants to talk about it.

I wish people could just tell me how they feel about things and be honest. Cause I’m still just. so confused. I must be missing something.

[tybysis]

5:04am

Ty, darling, I am in love.

I know you’ve heard this before, Ty, I know, but it’s the new year, and the new year means that I’m feeling my best. I cancelled my plans to go to a wild college party for a small movie night with friends and if that doesn’t show how I want my year and my life to go then I don’t know what would. I have a boyfriend, and I am in love, and I’ve been bursting with it for ages, even though I’ve only told like, Courtney and Nina. I love him I love him I love him.

His name is Zach. As in, Zach from D&D, in the session that Mags invited me to that started my whole D&D thing. He’s got brown hair and blue eyes and a beard that gets bigger every day. We texted every day through the entire semester, and we call on discord almost every night. We play videogames with each other, and we’re honest with each other, and I feel it in my chest when he smiles. It’s like I’m bursting with happiness. He cares about when I’m happy and when I’m not, we comfort each other when life is shit, and we talk to each other even in our bad moods. Last night, which was a rough one, he stayed in the call with me and waited up because I got yelled at, and spoke to me until I calmed down and fell asleep, just because he wanted me to feel better. He’s explained to me that he’s terrified - neither of us have really felt anything like this before - but we’re working on it. 

Here’s the roughest part, he’s Mags’s friend. As in, he lives where Mags does. In Canada. A 24 hour drive north west. And you know? That’s really hard. It’s hard on the nights I want to cry and be held and it’s hard on the days his depression makes him feel nothing and I just want to wrap my arms around him and comfort him. It’s hard that we’ve never stood in the same room, that we’ve never shared breathing space and our eye contact is inhibited by cameras. But he’s beautiful. 

He is probably the most idealistic person I’ve ever met. He believes in forgiveness, and second chances, and honestly it’s a little ridiculous what he would forgive. He believes in being the good person everyone needs, and tries his best even when he fails. And it’s... breathtaking. He always is sure that everything will be alright, that everything will turn out alright, and it’s so nice to have that even when it seems unrealistic. Because Zach believes that if it isn’t alright, he himself can do everything in his power to make it so. 

He’s... just. Everything. He’s a nerd, he plays videogames, and when he gets flustered and doesn’t know what to say he sends me memes.He tells me about the universes he makes for his stories and his future D&D sessions, he vents to me about his parents, he tells me how much he wants to hold my hand, and hug me, and kiss me all over. He’s wonderful, Ty. Probably the most wonderful person I’ve ever spoken to, and the fact that he’s so far away is just... unfair. But I suppose that’s how life is, sometimes. You can’t have too much goodness all in one spot, you gotta learn from it, work toward it, all that good stuff. But Zach is a blessing, truly. And even with all the complications that comes with loving him, even with the others, and the distance, and relearning how to love, he’s worth it. He’s worth it a million times.

I honestly don’t know how I got so lucky. 

in conclusion, here’s a message I sent to Court a few days ago:

“ I'm here to talk about Zach, feel free to ignore I've been going through the logs from when we started talking six months ago, and I actually found the moment I fell in love with him the actual point where I went "....oh my god.... this boy is... just... unbelieveably... wonderful." and it's crazy that this all started out just from us talking about a kink he had and it's crazy how unlikely it is that we would have crossed paths at all because I only know him becuase of Mags and I only know Mags because we all happened to be in Chris's stream at the same time and there were a lot of points where Mags and I could have lost contact, but we didn't And I remember how nervous I was to actually speak to him when we hadn't done it yet it's so weird to be soft, Court to be able to say "I love you" and get I love yous back, to have him randomly say it all the time it's strange and nice that if I get insecure and ask why he likes me and he'll give me a list, just like that it's crazy that I don't have to overthink anything when I'm with him, that I'm allowed to be flustered and embarrassed when I want to be romantic and it's funny that I was texting him the whole time I've known you. That when we were drinking at Greg's house I messaged him. That when I finally got home and was getting ready for work, I texted him and I'm just. so happy I realized that when we meet, if we only have a day, we're going to have to choose between spending a day having adventures and making memories with each other, or just sitting in bed cuddling and talking and touching for a whole 24 hours and he laughed and then you could see it dawn on him and he didn't know which he wanted more he was just as conflicted as I was when I asked him and I just I'm allowed to be, you know. flustered. insecure. unsure. and nervous around him because he'll soothe me and wait and it's so nice I'm in love with him and I don't know what I'll do if Mags ends up not being able to handle that because Mags means a lot to me, but I've never been this happy and I don't want to resent her forever just because of her trauma and how she reacts to it but god god I love him so much it's embarrassing I had a dream I got a present from him on christmas, and it was a hoodie he wears all the time and I told him, and he told me it was the cutest dream he's ever heard and I had to cover my face so he couldn't see my grin but he knew I was smiling nah I'm dozing off I need to go to bed but I had to tell someone I love him so much, Court. night”

I’m a sap deep down, Ty, you know that. And I know that, and Zach knows it. But now... now I’m starting to think that maybe I’m allowed to be a sap on the outside too.

Happy New Year

-Kay

[tybysis]

11:37pm

I feel really good about myself today because of this outfit I ended up wearing so let’s see if I can make a happy entry.

Cause you know, Ty, we’ve been filling you with negativity a ton (which I mean, it is what you’re for. so. lmao.) but I want to even it out. Because that’s what I’m trying to do with life too, you know? Find that happy medium, that balance that lets me see both the bad and the good as equals, no one more than the other, and we all know that I am just. so good at seeing the bad, and letting the bad take over the good, and not being able to see all the things that I enjoy.

So. Today I wore a shirt I bought at primark, which is actually a body suit, white and off the shoulder with a lace up in the front, and it’s really cute. I paired it with some wine-colored leggings I bought at work that go all the way over my tummy, and then put one of mom-mom’s belts around my waistline, put on one of her long necklaces as a choker, and finally found some dark lipstick that I can wear. She had the perfect shade of course, being my skin tone and all. I love it. And I’m going to ask her for it. I already know she’ll say yes, so I’m pumped. Add mascara and some really blended gray eyeshadow, and we’re off to the races. I also got a mani-pedi today, which was great, and yesterday I got my hair done in crochet curls, back to black and blue. I felt... really nice about myself okay. Really good. 

Things that have happened that I wasn’t able to articulate because of how bad I was mentally in my last entry:

I started my semester at mont co, taking four classes, all of which I’m pumped for: Creative Writing, Improv, Intro to Theatre, and ASL.

I found a way to school every day without having to pay for bus fare, via John, who I carpool with since he lives up the street.

I finally got a bus card, which SEPTA has brand new, that you can pay via app online, which means I don’t have to stress about having cash on me

I feel like I’m actually making meaningful relationships with my coworkers??? at least my other front ends. Rich and Haley and Jake are all really great and if one of us didn’t always have to be at work, I’d totally organize a night out or something.

I discovered that a PhD in Creative Writing is something that you can have AND that my creative writing professor has one??? so that is now my next goal.

I’m trying to find a way to do light brigade again this year despite financial troubles. I’m going to pay back what I owe and then talk to Miss Shelia about this season. 

Gabe and I’s weirdness is sort of normalized, now. I never really blamed him for not wanting to hang out with me, and not inviting me places. That’s whatever. I’m just glad the awkward part is done. 

I’m spending labor day at my grandma’s house in pleasantville, and it’s been nice. She’s content leaving me be, and we’re able to live our own lives and chill with each other too.

My textbooks this semester all together is going to be less than $50, which fits nicely in the budget

I may or may not be moving soon, which means a whole new space to decorate!

Ben and Ru are both super supportive, and we’re all super supportive of each other?? all the time?? which is super nice.

Chris and Mags are ALSO super supportive, and we dish and talk and do things.

John is teaching me how to play Magic the Gathering, because I finally took the knee to become full nerd.

D&D every Friday is something I have to look forward to each and every week and it makes me very happy to participate

I EASILY made friends in the D&D group??? I talk to Zach pretty constantly, and I was invited to a seperate group chat with him, Al, and Korre where we talk about videogames and play together on playstation somedays and it’s ??? really nice.

I SEE ROSE ALMOST TWICE A WEEK AT SCHOOL and it’s the bomb, okay??? I missed her last week because of John insisting on Magic!, but it really cheers me up to have someone I know there, ESPECIALLY ROSE! she’s great to hangout with and our schedules have been shit with meeting up since we both started working, and with the whole not-being-invited thing.

I got to hang out with Carlee and we talked about D&D and Magic! and all sorts of fun things while we ate at the shake shake and walked around the mall. 

If I have any regrets about my whatever with Gabe, it’s that I don’t get to see the others. Finding times to see Dan was difficult, and I haven’t seen her since I scooped her up to go to karaoke. I miss her and Kiki and Rose. But I’m shit at planning, when I remember to do so, and I already have so many chats it’s hard to keep up with. Cause tbh I was falling off before this happened. And? In reality? 

Well, I sort of feel like I’m... old. For that group. Like, I don’t know how to describe it, really, except that when the whole thing with Gabe just felt so... high school. It felt like I was expected to react a certain way, and that I HAD to do that, but then I kept thinking, you know, I’m not in high shcool anymore. I’m not that girl. I don’t have the energy to be so stressed about all my decisions and all my movements and everything I say. What I want is to sit down and have a good ole discussion about all the things I really wasn’t able to say, during that whole time. I want to talk about all the times I bottled up the things that hurt me during the friendship. I want to talk about Six Flags. I want to talk about Disney. I want to talk about the fact that when I tried to talk about how hurt I was that he didn’t hang out last summer, he complained about Dan jumping down his throat and told me not to bring it up. I want to talk about that day during practice where we sat up on the director’s podium while the flags had a sectional. I want to hear him talk about all the times I hurt him and he bottled it up too. I want to communicate. 

But also. Shit. I am too old to be forcing relationships, man. I can’t be running after anyone any more. It’s exhausting. And I honestly? Never did it. If we planned something and Gabe didn’t show up, it was Dan who called, or Dan who walked to his house and knocked on the door, I was always devastatingly uncomfortable with doing that, cause that’s just. always how I’ve been. 

I am so okay with this change, basically. Because if it means that in the future Gabe and I can live our lives, either together or separately, but at least treating each other like adults. And maybe even holding each other accountable. Ain’t that a pipe dream.

Cause okay. While I love all of my friends from high school, and I really appreciate those friendships, some of them are really juvenile, or at least have juvenile traits. Not being able to talk about things? Bottling up your emotions because you don’t want to share? Being scared of being judged? Second guessing yourself every time you want to do something? Deciding that you can or can’t do something based on your friend group because you don’t think it’d go over well? High school. High school high school high school.

That’s what I love about college. Everyone is just. so okay? with you? and by that I mean. They don’t care what you’re majoring in. They’re at least vaguely interested in what you want to do with your life. But there’s no pressure to be or not be anything. 

Something that really stuck with me is Dan saying that even if she did find someone she liked, she probably wouldn’t date them because “it would throw off all my dynamics” and?? it really made me pause. Even though she spoke over it and backtracked like she didn’t mean to say it. Like? Was the group really? Like that? That finding love was something that wasn’t even seriously considered because of how it would change the dynamic??? Like I remember how terrified I used to be of dynamic changes, how much I used to catalog them, how much I exulted them. But jesus. Jesus that’s so unhealthy. 

Like? no one should be afraid that something they choose to do would upset a friendship? Without any speaking about it? Like, hey, someone coming up to you and going “hey this makes me uncomfortable” is different. But. I just.

like, yeah, there is a chance that I am misconstruing everything. That’s true. But I remember who I was when I held these friendships over everything and anything, and... man I just hope they’ve matured and developed. And the thing is? They probably have with out me. And of that I’m hopeful and glad for. 

Omg so wait, before I forget to mention this. I went to the liquor store with Zach and John on the way home from work one day and we stopped at the burger place near work and it was just??? really nice. To be hanging out with people my age. Also it was the first time I actually bought something from a liquor store and so I got these cute little bottles of kraken that are amazing and I love them lmao.

idk man it was just a really chill day and it was really nice and it’d be cool if I could hang out with John and Zach more often.

[tybysis]

Look at your life through heaven’s eyessss

[tybysis]

12:37am

Let’s see if I can do this. 

Ty, six days ago, Ru attempted suicide. 

This is not a new thing, in fact, I myself have personally stopped two other attempts they’ve made, both at college, usually by sending someone to check on them. But this time, they were alone. They’ve just moved to Ohio for grad school, they have no roommates, and I didn’t even know their address. Ben kept them on the phone for as long as possible via text while I asked around on tumblr for their address, got it, and then, finally, I had to call 911.

The call drained me.I had to be connected to Ohio 911 from ours. I didn’t know the apartment number. I had to give their birth name. I had to listen to officers misgender them over and over. I had to sit on hold and listen to the dispatcher. I had to hear them knocking on doors and finding the wrong people. I had to deal with the officer demanding to know whether Ru was a boy or a girl. It was exhausting, and harrowing, and after all that, I was told simply “The squad made contact.” and I was hung up on. Because I’m not family.

I wouldn’t have even known if they were alive if they hadn’t texted the group chat that they were angry and hated us and never wanted to speak to me or Ben ever again because we’d had them admitted.

I called off work. I’m still so fucking exhausted. My mom had gone into the hospital the night before, and I didn’t even get a chance to recover from getting home around midnight after being at the hospital with her since noon and getting to bed around 2am, because this happened around noon the next day, super soon after I woke up. I haven’t been able to do much more than sleep, work, and play For Honor. I can’t focus on more than that. I’m so easily tired in this state.

Like, I asked Haley about it, becuase she’s been admitted, and I asked if Ru was going to hate me. Like. Forreal hate me forever, the way they said, and she comforted me by saying that they wouldn’t. That that was just a spur of the moment emotion. but. every time someone mentions it out loud, or I talk about it, I want to cry. I can feel the tears building. And then I’m at the edge of a breakdown over the smallest things. Steph sold more notepads than me during a closing shift and I almost burst into tears, even though I know that my self worth is not tied to that, just that small thing made me feel so helpless. I haven’t touched the dishes because thinking about doing them makes me want to curl into a ball and never move again. I’ve written one thing in the last seven days, which, considering the kind of week I’ve had, is a super big achievement.

I just. 

Listen. I’m not in a great place. But I have vacation time coming up. Having bad days is fucking with my sales because my job, which I am good at, which I enjoy, takes a ton of emotional labor. But I’m good at it. Because I’m good at emotional labor. I’m good at caring for people. I’m talented and good at things. I’m a Good Person. Or. i’m trying. and it’s hard, and it sucks at times, but. 

I’m working on loving myself. Even when I’m going through shit. Even when I’m having trouble seeing myself in a good light. Even when I’m not wearing make up. Even when I don’t see myself as attractive. Even when I don’t buy a bunch of things to make me feel better about myself. I’m trying. But it’s hard. It’s hard to be okay when I’m not.

but I’m trying.

Good things are happening too, I just. It’s hard to remember them. 

[tybysis]

3:10am

hi ty

updates: I went to Greece for my abroad program and had the time of my life I fell in love with the person I was able to be over there and I’m trying to work towards her now

I’m saving up to move out next year, after I graduate. Applying to some grad schools and fellowships and jobs. Hoping things work out

I lost my RA position, because of my grades. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise, who knows. Regardless, haven’t told my parents yet. So. Yeah.

At the end of my time in Greece, we were in Athens for the last few days and everyone went bar hopping and on the second to last night I stayed out with one of the guys and I was really depressed that day the alcohol hit me so wrong and it was just bad and he like looked out for me and made sure I was okay and we just talked for hours and then we were sitting on the balcony of his hotel room with his roommate asleep inside and he raped me on the balcony. He kissed me suddenly and I was tired and still drunk and I was shocked and panicking and just let it happen. He moved and undid my pants and my bra and touched me everywhere, shoved two fingers inside of me and just, man I didn’t know how to tell him to stop. He’s a big guy. I was scared. He still thinks he did nothing wrong. He made it seem like I cheated on Zach. Told me not to tell anyone, and then asked me to leave. I wanted to kill myself all day. Finally told someone and like, only then did I realize he had actually assaulted me !!! fun times, my trauma checklist is growing it would be real rad if that like stopped maybe please cool thanks

I don’t know if I’m going to press charges yet

It comes in waves

On an entirely unrelated note, Zach and I have a lot of decisions to make for the future. I don’t know if we’ll stay together, and that’s solely because we have different life goals and I am in no place to compromise and I would never be able to live with myself if he compromised his life for me either and that’s why it’s gonna be hard as hell

I feel monotone

All I do is work, sleep, and work more

I need the money but fuck man

Alright I’m tired I should try to sleep

Goodnight ty, I’ll try to come back soon

[tybysis]

4:07am

I just got back from a nice night drive with Jared, where we caught up and talked and it was really nice. I missed him, somehow, despite everything. It’s nice to see him so grown up, out of highschool and everything. He loves talking, and he was apt to listen to me talk as well.

It’s still really weird to talk so openly about things, but it’s a relief. I love being open with people, and I love talking. I like reaching an understanding. It feels really nice, and I want to get there with all my friends, one by one. I wanted to start with Gabe, but we still haven’t been alone together, and that’s more an alone together conversation, you know?

I just. I care so deeply about my friends, I want them to be okay, and to think that I could have been hurting any of them this whole time is worrying. It’s more than worrying, it’s awful, and I really really hope that isn’t the case. But if it is, I’m going to own up to it. But you can’t really know better if you don’t get told, and that’s why I’m trying to be open. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t want anyone to hurt me unintentionally. 

I just. Talking with Jared was really nice. I know I already said that, but it really was. It made me think of that song from Rebecca Sugar, Everything Stays.

Everything stays, right where you left it Everything stays, but it still changes Ever so slightly, daily and nightly In little ways, when everything stays.

And it’s just. so true. Jared is still Jared, but he isn’t. He’s older, he seems more mature and together. and I am too. I’m still Kay, but I’m a better Kay. A Kay who wants to be better. And I know that’s largely because I’ve seen glimpses of the me I could be. The one who works hard and provides for her family and decorates her room however she wants. The one who talks openly about her faults and flaws and learns to change, the one who is worth talking to.

And I know, somewhere, that I’m already worthwhile. But it’s far off. It sounds like a lie. And I don’t want that to be true anymore. I want to be better. I want to be as good as a friend Ben claims I am, to everyone. I want everyone I interact with to have that view of me.

And maybe some of them already do???? have that view. But I can’t see it.I don’t know about it. So I’ll just strive for that. 

I’ve had a really nice night, Ty. And tomorrow looks like it’s gonna be even nicer. Ben and I are gonna try again and see what happens. I get to meet a DND friend from Florida, and I’m gonna see Jared again tomorrow morning. It’s gonna be a good day. At least, I hope so. 

love you, Ty. Kay

[tybysis]

1:12am

I don’t feel good, Ty.

My grandfather died two days ago and I called off work. I felt really dehydrated and was sick for most of yesterday and today. I haven’t been eating much. This thing with Gabe is fucking with me. Ben and Ru hanging out has me feeling weird. I don’t know what’s going on. 

My brain is always weird about introducing friends to friends becuase I am always, 100% certain that showing one person who’s company I enjoy to another person who’s company I enjoy that they will immediately decide that they enjoy each other’s company much more than mine. It’s something I struggle with because I’m aware that’s how I feel, and so I told Ben about it, becuase not telling Ben things is somehow foreign and strange. I don’t know how that happened. We’re both very open with each other and it’s nice. I am also aware, however, that if not for Mags, I would have let the emotion fester and just ignored it like I usually do. I wouldn’t have told Ben jack shit, becuase that’s who I am. I try to keep my emotions in check by not saying anything about them, and that’s really not a healthy practice at all. It really isn’t. But telling people fills me with panic. It makes me feel not great. I worry immediately that they’re going to look at me and tell me that they really don’t care about all that shit or worse, that I’m manipulative for telling them that. 

one of my biggest fears is that my emotions will influence people in a way that will make them upset. It genuinely freaks me out to think that me being stressed stresses people out. It fucking terrifies me to think that maybe telling someone how I feel might make them change how they feel. And I know that’s how emotions work. I know that when you care about someone you care about how they feel and worry when they don’t feel okay. Which is one of the big reasons I’m so used to acting okay. I don’t want people to worry about me. I don’t want people to be stressed because I’m stressed. I don’t want people to be angry when I’m upset.

and I also know, because I’m aware of myself, that this is largely because I’m scared. I’m worried that someone will do something because I’m upset and not becuase they want to do it. I stress that me being upset and emotional will make people take time out of their lives to do things for me, when clearly emotions are temporary and Generally Not That Big A Deal and that I’ll inconvenience someone and they’ll regret it. I am so fucking terrified of being an inconvenience. 

I very much want to blame this on high school, by the way. Because blaming high school is a way to not have to look further back into my psyche for reasoning. Being in a friend group where sadness was both stigmatized and exulted was really really weird. We didn’t want to be sad because sadness was Not Great but we also Weren’t Sad Enough but we were also super miserable but not suicidal so it was just one heaping cesspool.

oh shit time to go deeper back into my psyche.

back when I was being abused, I didn’t really comprehend my sadness past my casual thoughts about dying. It was that weird sort of suicidal where you don’t really think about death, but you don’t really take steps toward preserving your life. I had thoughts about biking off bridges into traffic and just not stopping when walking across streets, but the point was never to die. The point was to apologize in the hospital for being hurt, if that... makes sense. My brain skipped straight over the pain and injury and to the recovery, where everyone was worried and I felt sort of bad about it. 

And I think. Really what impacted me the most emotionally was when we were caught, when my uncle went “and we’ll have to tell your father, and this will crush him. And he was just getting better.” and I just. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck I remember those words so clearly. I remember my dad the next time he saw me, the way he looked at me like I was something different. I remember my mom leaving the house to talk to him on the phone so he didn’t go and kill him. and I just. god. I probably repressed everything about feeling hurt. I barely remember how terrified I was some of the time, how much hatred I felt sometimes. God I was probably so angry. But I remember none of that. I remember that he hadn’t actually known how old I was. I remember that none of the details I knew about him mattered because he knew next to nothing about me. I remember rationalizing and humanizing him in my head becuase he didn’t give me anything to work with in person. Fuck I remember romanticizing him and then fucking rejecting every even slightly romantic thing he did. I remember the panic of him showing he cared because what if someone saw. I remember crying and texting my best friend that I loved him. I loved him so much and I didn’t know what to do. 

jesus no wonder I’m so fucking damaged what the fuck

no wonder I don’t know what I’m feeling ever. no wonder I can’t tell one love from another. 

and you know what else I remember?

I remember that he dated girls during his abuse of me. I remember feeling like absolute shit because he introduced these girls to his family while I was there and i felt like the worst fucking being on the planet earth. I remember measuring myself up against these blondes and brunets and their white white white skin and blue eyes and feeling disgustingly dull and ugly. I remember feeling relieved when he still wanted to touch me after they left, because the idea that he didn’t was absolutely terrifying. Because at that point in my life it was the only affirmation I got that I wasn’t ugly or gross or unloveable, since I was being so heavily bullied in school and even my friends were like “come on Kayla you’re a girl but you aren’t like, a girl girl you’re one of us! one of the guys!” jesus I wasn’t pretty or cool or even really that likable. 

and really even now I still find myself slipping back into that mentality. becuase that was most of my life. I’m 21. It ended in 2011. It’s 2017. And yeah. it went from the age of six onward. It wasn’t pretty. My development has to have been fucking. just. completely crushed. completely warped. And there are people I’ve known my entire life who have no idea I went through this. There are people who don’t know what I’ve been though and sometimes I want to tell everyone so I have an excuse to just. tell everyone. But I’m back to the whole “telling people things that make them change how they treat you and edit their responses” thing.

I’d just. really like it if everyone treated me the way Mags and Ben treat me. But that’s so fucking unrealistic. Because my gut just tells me that people don’t give a fucking shit about me. It says that people who do are going to find better, more likable, easier-to-be-around people to give a shit about and leave me behind. Because the number one lesson my life has taught me is that People Leave.

And I’m really struggling to unlearn this, and to get my life together and be more honest when I feel upset so that the people I care about know. But it feels so manipulative. It feels wrong to do this. It goes against my nature.

but I’m trying to change that. Because I’m trying to change for the better.

shit Ty I don’t even know if that’s what this entry was supposed to be about Kay

p.s. one of my few regrets about breaking things off with ben so soon is that I can’t use the term “BENefits” okay. I live for that pun

[tybysis]

3:45am

Communication is a tough subject.I know that, okay? I know that communication isn’t easy, that it’s work, that it takes a lot of effort. but that’s the fucking point, isn’t it? If someone upsets you, you tell them so they don’t do it again. That’s how everything works. No one is a mind reader, and that means that if you want them to know something, if you want them to do something,  you have to tell them. 

That, more than anything, is what the entire Jordan thing taught me. That, more than anything, is something I am immensely thankful for Ben and Ru and Mags and Chris for. They are always 100% like “Kay, hey, don’t say that” and I get it. Fuck, I don’t use the word bitch around Ben At All, because he told me he hates that word, and when I fuck up I immediately apologize because, guess what, I know about it.I know that he doesn’t like it. And even though he says it’s not that big a deal and that it’s fine that I slip up, it isn’t. Because if someone says that something makes them uncomfortable, you don’t do it around them anymore. 

Like, honestly, Ty. How is this such a hard concept to comprehend? You say things to people, and if they don’t respect it, at least you said something. They don’t have to second guess every action they’ve done because they know what does and does not make you upset. I don’t usually gush about food to Ru, there’s a specific artist I completely deleted from my Spotify for Mags, I don’t deadname Chris or make any ship names that might be too close to that deadname, because they’ve all told me when things make them uncomfortable. Shit, I cancelled all Happy Fridays for Bethany, I only watch one horror movie instead of marathoning for Ben, and the whole time I’m warning about jump scares because I know how he is about them.

It’s just. God. Communication is hard, yeah, sure, but it’s worth it. and taking a quick second to go “oh hey, can you not do that” is so fucking effective in any situation with someone who cares about you. someone who isn’t a complete douche nozzle, and if they don’t respect that then fuck them, tbh. Because that means they don’t actually give a shit about you. That means its time to drop them like they’re hot.

Communicating is something adults do. And it sucks, right up there with making phone calls and doctors appointments and making sure you get places on time. But I’m getting better at it, and that’s something I’m proud of.

[tybysis]

4:14am

I made a good decision. And I’m proud of myself for doing it. But I’m still reeling from it.

My thing with Ben was fun. He’s a great guy, and he’s honest about how he feels, and he doesn’t shy away from talking about it when necessary. He doesn’t let me avoid topics even when I try, and it’s refreshing to have someone like that. Someone who won’t just take the subject change or shake their head like ‘that’s just Kay not making sense again’. 

But at the same time, it wasn’t a good idea. Even though it was me who initiated it, even though I actually opened my mouth - metaphorically, of course - and made it happen, I wasn’t comfortable. I wanted to be, and I wanted to be there, but sex without a relationship was fucking with me. Maybe because Ben is such a cool dude, and maybe because he’s the first person to treat me the way I feel like I deserve to be treated. Always asking what I want. Always attentive. Content to wait for me to initiate anything and only giving the barest of motions toward any direction. A hint at what he wanted, not a demand, only the barest of questions, open to answer.

And I want to keep doing it. I want to keep feeling wanted, and desired, and pretty. He called me beautiful multiple times, and it always felt genuine. Looking at him at my birthday party made it feel like the sun was shining in my gut somewhere, because he’d showed up. And a lot of other people hadn’t. Not Gerald, Not Gabe. My only friends at my party were Rose, Chelsea, Kiki, and Ben. And I know it’s petty, and it’s not very fair, but it meant something to me that he came. Even though I warned him he’d be uncomfortable, and that he had no one to talk to. It matters to me that he came to Applebee’s and sat with me and my tipsy friends and watched me flirt/insult waitstaff. And I know on some level that it’s a very big chance that he did that simply because he knew that he was getting laid after, but you know what? He showed up. Getting people to show up is something that doesn’t happen often in my life.

And I’ll be honest. I was star eyed. And I suspect that it might even have been the first hints of a crush, or at least the memory of one. It doesn’t matter, because emotionally, I felt nothing. It was bizarre. I usually have trouble discerning my emotions about people, but rather than conflicted feelings about hands touching and daydreaming about his eyes, I smile when he’s an ass, and roll my eyes when he makes dumb jokes or talks in circles. We have a tally of who’s won the most debates. 

And honestly, I know myself, and that is the exact situation I would want in a boyfriend. or girlfriend. or partner. It’s my ideal. We watched netflix and he slept with his head in my lap while I played with his hair, and I paid attention to both Futurama and the way his hips shifted when I gently ran my nails along his scalp. He offered to cuddle before I could think to ask. It’s all ideal.

But there wasn’t any romance, and I can’t let myself be sweetened toward anything that isn’t 100% of what I want. It made me feel hollow, this complacency with not being fully loved, for just getting the idea of it. I deserve a relationship that has everything that both me and Ben’s FWB thing had AND the romance. I deserve to not have to compromise that just because I feel unloved and unwanted every now and again. No matter how fun it was with Ben. No matter how much I think about it. No matter how much I want it to continue.