tylenoltyler

[tylenoltyler]

i dont think that beckam stole my ribbon. i dont care anymore i'm using his name. i wrote about my hurt and shared it at university. i've bared all my bones, i'm unashamed of my touched body. there is no shame anymore, only truth left on my shed skin. i don't know who tyler is, a shell of a boy trying to deny being a girl.

rebecca inmy cnf class wrote about how burlesque let her take her body back. i got so jealous that i cried. i've transitioned, i've cut, i've attempted. i want to have a body that is my own, and as much as i try to dress like i own it, there is nothing that fulfills me. i took it for granted, having a body that was for me. rebecca also wrote about this story where all girls have a ribbon and all men, even their fathers and sons, want to take it from them. this womans son and husband fight over her ribbon, eventually it is untied and her head just falls off.

i feel so similarly. i feel so detached. i dont recognize myself in the mirror at all, i dont understand how my hands connect to my head and how my body is my own. i dont remember developing, all i remember is the hatred.

i don't remember what colour my ribbon is. i dont remember it and i want to and i'm so desperate to and i can't breathe when i think about it.

when we workshopped rebecca's piece i had to leave the room.

beckam did not steal my ribbon. my brother did not steal my ribbon. maddy did not steal my ribbon. nathan did not steal my ribbon. he did, he did, he did.

he never even touched me, but he fulfilled something so important to me. he appreciated me, but it was all to use me. it was all for some malicious reason that i wished i experienced. i wished he had put his hands on me and taken me home and i wish he had raped me and stolen my ribbon and left me headless in his bed with nothing to breathe for, nothing to think for. i wish he beheaded me and watched my eyes roll back and my arms go slack and watched the last breath escape my lungs.

i wish he had taken me for real, so i had a reason to feel so headless without him.

i walk around with a headless body, disconnected from myself and away from everything. i wonder if i should kill myself, i wonder if i would feel whole in death. he is the last time i felt like i did before i was touched. even though i cant remember it, even though i was probably 4. even though i can't remember a time where i had a head.

i am so far from being whole that i cannot remember what it is like to recognize my skin.

i wonder if he would worship me headless, the way he would when i had my head on my shoulders. i wonder if he would use me again and again and again until i died. i would have let him fuck me to death if it meant feeling whole again.

i'm getting bad again and i can tell. i would never ask for things like this in a clear space. i would never ask for this in may or june or july or august or september.

i wish he would kidnap me and take me away and fuck me til i died so i could lay as a corpse in his bed i wish i could die for him so at least i was worth something. i wish he would put me to sleep and care for me one last time. i wish he would kill me i wish he would kill me i wish he would take my ribbon and give it back and then rip it away again so i remembered how nothing i am without him. i am built on skin and bone but my heart beats for a lost cause.

i am the worst girlfriend in the world.

how can i love him yet wish to die? nathan i'm sorry. i am the worst girlfriend in the world, no angel nor devil just pitiful. i am just pitiful. i am the worst person in the world and i wish i could kiss you without feeling scared of what i'll do when you're gone. everytime you leave it's like a car crash is hurtling towards me. nathan i'm so sorry. nathan i'm so sorry i wish to be raped to death by a man who ruined me before you could even begin to love me. i'm sorry. it feels like betraying you but this is my favorite way to harm myself.

i love harming myself like this, by remembering how dead all my skin is. by remembering how much of my body doesnt belong to me anymore. i wish i didnt.

i think i am crazy. i think something is wrong. everytime i drift too far or stress too much i lose it like this. this isnt normal or okay, at least i can recognize that. it feels so bad to pretend to be normal.

[tylenoltyler]

how could you kiss me with the mouth of a snake

[tylenoltyler]

[tylenoltyler]

*feels stressed out* *masturbates*

[tylenoltyler]

i wanna be a fucking boy already god damn it i want my fucking tits gone and i want everything feminine gone i just want to be a cool fucking diplomatic that skates in tweed jackets.

[tylenoltyler]

[tylenoltyler]

Needy

[tylenoltyler]

[tylenoltyler]

𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 if i deactivate tonight and extract everyone i once knew will it make it feel normal to be missing you?

[tylenoltyler]

some?? stuff?? about?? me?? i?? guess??

[tylenoltyler]

[tylenoltyler]

Jennifer’s Body (2009) dir. Karyn Kusama

[tylenoltyler]

will you think of m3 b3fore you sl33p?

in th3 sam3 way i think of you?

[tylenoltyler]

yeah u dance so good,

and i think thats kinda neat.

[tylenoltyler]

“can’t you find someone that treats you right ty?”

lol no.

[tylenoltyler]

11:11 i wish you would fall back in love with me

[tylenoltyler]

💸none of my friends like talking to me and all i can think about is how i did this to myself and the fact that i can finally solidify my feeling in not being wanted by anyone💸