tylermbeckett - Tumblr blog

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7 years

Dear T,

It's been so long. I think about you often, even now. I wonder what you would be doing. I wonder how you would have changed. Above all else, I just am stuck with this feeling of missing you.

It's been years and years and years. They say that time heals all pain but I still find ways to wallow in it. Is this it? Will I ever become a person I would be proud for you to know?

I'm tired. It's been too long. It'll only get longer. At least there is no snow today.

Stay safe,

-B

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when you go from a bad situation into a better one you may collapse exhausted and unsure what to do and full of grief, you may need time to regain the ability to do things as yourself or motivated by anything other than terror, you may need time to process or mourn or fall apart in ways you could not before,

and people may use this as proof that the old situation was better for you, proof that you need to go back, and it is not proof that it was better for you or proof that you need to go back

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going thru phone pics and found this thing that was tacked up next to the toaster at my old job, if anyone needs some light toast eating reading material

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i hope you heal from the things no one ever apologized for

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If you need someone to talk to, message me

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Everyday of my life 

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reminder: you survived even when it felt impossible to do so

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self-harm is (but not limited to):

• making yourself sleep deprived • making yourself cold (not wearing warm clothes in the winter, sleeping without a blanket etc) • not eating • not drinking • eating too much • not looking before crossing the street • scratching • letting your skin be dry & break easily • picking at skin • over-exercising • substance abuse • over-working yourself • making yourself go out and do things even though you’re exhausted • putting yourself in anxiety-inducing situations (even if you have a choice to stay out of them) • triggering yourself • purposefully angering someone who you know will yell at you • entering relationships you don’t want to be in/being around people you don’t want to be around • having sex when you don’t want to • setting yourself punishments • not giving yourself time • not letting yourself spend time with the people you love & know will be good to you

stop assuming that self-harm is visible and easy to notice.

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Forensics and Flowers on Instagram / Etsy

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Four Years In The Making

Dear T,

It has finally happened. I never actually thought this would happen, to say the least. They shut your phone off, stopped paying for the service. Maybe your mom is starting to heal. If it's that, then I'm glad for her. She deserves peace after all this time.

Where do I begin? The world you left is certainly not the world of today. I've mentioned to you the corona virus, and we'll, the world is still freaking out. I'm not entirely certain on my feelings for it, but you would have had A Lot of opinions. A lot of people have died because of it, but a lot of people have lost their lively hoods as well. There's so many people on polar opposites, but they're each refusing to see the circumstances of the other side.

Election day has come and passed and Trump is no longer in office. I know that would make you ecstatic, but there's more to it than that. There's been screams about voter fraud and russian collusion and Biden's son's laptop and I just don't know who or what to believe. I'm just tired of the arguing. Everything is a hill to die on for people and I just want compromise.

H is getting married. Yes, you heard that correctly. Married. I'm just as lost with that as you are. She's not the same girl that you know, however. She's lied, cheated, and manipulated people to get what she wants. I think after the wedding is over I'll either limit my contact with her or just stop talking with her altogether. I have eight months to figure that out though.

Schooling had been rough. Nearly everything is online, which is a.) Wild, and b.) Not helpful in the slightest. I have no will to do any work. It's pointless. My field is pointless. Why did I go this route? It doesn't make me happy, but it's too late not to back out. I'll figure something out along the way.

This past year I've moved in with The Actual Embodiment of Rage, YeeYee, and Clock Tower, and a lot has happened because of this. You would absolutely adore them. You could talk science and math with TAEoR, writing and music with Clock Tower, and joke around with YeeYee and talk about animals. There's a lot of love around here and it is very nice.

I've been better though. I feel like I'm on a leash, and I can't do the things I want to do. Did you feel like that? It's hard to imagine you didn't. I'm just so overwhelmed currently and all I want to do is sleep. I'm tired of all of this. I need out.

What would life been like if you were still around? What would you have majored in? Where would you have went to school? My brain hurts just trying to think of all the various possibilities. You could have gone anywhere you wanted. You worked so hard at everything you did and it showed. I miss that passion.

Maybe this isn't what you were expecting. I could write so much more, but I don't want to burden you. You're gone, and I need to deal with it. Grow up and move on, stop indulging in dr.pepper and oreos every year like clockwork. I don't even like dr.pepper.

Just know, this past 12 months have been the best and the worst for multiple reasons. And that the list of reasons gets longer every single day.

Rest easy,

-B

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this post hasn't left my mind since i've first saw it

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a comic about someone who gets a visit from the reaper a bit sooner than expected, but has someone whos been waiting for them 

Hey, do you like my art? Help support me and buy me a coffee! ko-fi.com/zipper ❤️

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