typetypetypefeelings - Tumblr blog

[typetypetypefeelings]

So welcome back yall. Things have been pretty good lately and I honestly just have been too lazy to type out my feelings.

Like I said, in general, Im doing pretty good! Having my man around to listen to me, making better choices, as well as being more honest with myself have been amazingly helpful.

There really is one weird new thing. I keep thinking I have all of these other problems, and then I do the best thing ever and google things and spend hours trying to figure out if something is actually wrong with me or am i just a lunatic. Which of course then I get even more anxious and self deprecating because then I am just mad at myself for working myself up and for waiting time.

Like the other night I couldn't remember a word, and then i realized that some other words over the next few days just looked.....idk funny? so then I fell down the rabbit whole trying to convince myself that I wasn’t going crazy, or that I didn’t have early onset dementia or whatever else I could find.

I also keep having these feelings where I can see these super weird super realistic visions in my head. Like just the craziest creepiest stuff man. That day I had myself convinced that I was schizophrenic.

OR there was a time (like right now a little bit) that I was convincing myself that I had OCD because why else would I be trying to convince myself that I had all of these problems. Its so annoying.

Other than that though, things have been pretty good. One thing thats kind of annoying is now that Im more open about whats going on in my head, I feel like I annoy everyone. Like people will say, “You’re too hard on yourself, you’re doing so much better.” Well to me thats like saying, “My boyfriend used to hit me, now he just cheats on me!”  Like idk, better still doesn’t mean good ya know? BUT i mean I’m also just proving the fact that I am too hard on myself. 

I also don’t really wanna DIE anymore which is cool. I still have those thoughts like “I cant die because everyone else will be sad.” Which idk if thats healthy or not? But at least I’m not actively trying to kill myself anymore. I don’t know Im just waiting for the day that something else goes wrong and I go to the doctor and they finally tell me that I have something else wrong with me and its not just my crazy brain. Like I’m not making it up and all of these feelings are actually legit.

[typetypetypefeelings]

Today I realized that I’m a selfish ass bitch. Like I am garbage.

This person from my past got engaged. Big whoop right? I have a partner that I really love that I (so far) picture spending the rest of my life with. Literally a perfect partner for me.

BUT GUESS WHAT. It still hurts. I loved this person and probably always will. Like LOVE love.

Could things with that person and I ever have worked out? Probably not. Obviously if the universe wanted it to happen it would have.

So not only do I feel like a fucking ass hole for feeling like I’m betraying my partner for feeling sad, but like also how am I supposed to express this sadness? Tell the other person I’m sad? Ruin this immensely happy moment for them? Obviously I can’t do that.....tell my partner I’m sad? Can’t do that either. So thank you secret journal for being here.

But also like I feel like I shouldn’t be sad. Like it’s not my right. I am of course happy as well but like ouch man. That could have been me. Like I’m fine but I’m not. IDK MAN LOTS OF FEELINGS.

Anywho, one day in the future I won’t even remember this feeling and I’ll be making my own big life choices of my own and all will be right with the world.

[typetypetypefeelings]

Alcoholism man....

I just made it through the worst hangover I’ve ever had in my entire life. I mean so bad that I contemplated pouring out all of the alcohol in my house. I was crying and puking and literally dying. I mean more miserable than when I was 19 mixing gin and Mountain Dew.

I knew it was going happen too. I’ve been doing so good not drinking to excess and then I just said FUCK IT. I knew I was gonna lose control, I knew I was gonna feel gross and all that kind of stuff.

I guess I should focus on the positive that it’s been a long time since anything like this has happened. I didn’t do anything embarrassing and all that stuff but like.....I’m also a garbage human being.

Well at least I feel that way. Like am I supposed to admit that I have a “problem” since I want to stop but I havnt? Or am I supposed to just say “it doesn’t control my life so I’m not an alcoholic?”

I feel like me even asking this question should be reason enough? Oh well. I’m literally drinking whole typing this. I’ll figure my life out eventually I guess.

Tata for now y’all.

[typetypetypefeelings]

Wuzzzzzzzup yall! So I have a couple of things to get off my chest so let me just go with whatever is the first thing that comes to mind....

Um first of all, my dog got hit by a FUCKING CAR. They didn’t even stop. It was probably the most horrifying thing I’ve ever experienced honestly. Yeah I’ve been through a lot of weird shit, but this was the first thing that was just me. Like I was the only person there. I was the grown up. It was my baby, and it was my fault. I was the one who didn’t put her on a leash, and I was the one who had to watch her fling away from the car. I was the one who had to hear her scream, and pick her up. I was the one who had her blood on my clothes. Thank you Lord Jesus I was at my parents house so my momma drove us both to the emergency vet, and she also paid the obnoxious bill. Now I am also the one who has to rub stuff on her booboos and force the medicine down her throat and yada yada yada. I know that I should just be happy she is alive and not be so “whoa is me” BUT IM SAD AND I WANNA COMPLAIN! SO IM GONNA!

Secondly, my boyfriend is so fucking awesome. He takes car of my dog and of me and he is just UGH! I love him. I know previously I have talked mad shit, but I am so happy that I worked through all of my shit so that I could be in this perfectly amazing healthy adult relationship. I am finally letting myself be happy and not getting in my own way. Like I said, UGH!!!

My life is falling apart, but also pretty freaking good! I CAN DO THIS!

[typetypetypefeelings]

Well I think i am doing pretty god these days. (that is obviously unknown for sure, but whatever)

Anywho, I thought that these months of quarantine, and the impending doom of the Earth that i honestly was going to lose my shit again. BUT HERE I AM YALL! i obviously am still drinking and having minor emotional breakdowns here and now, but all in all life is doing pretty okay. 

I only drink like two drinks every couple of days, and I have gotten to the acceptance point with a lot of the stuff in my brain.

For example, I have accepted that its either shut up and marry this man, or break up with him. And I think that I’m finally getting over my damage and fear from everything else in my life and realizing that it’s a good idea. Just because he likes country music, and lets me do whatever I want, and we don’t scream and cry at each other doesn’t mean that it isn’t a good idea.

Ya know, my life was a shit show for so long that (as corny as it sounds) I am really not letting myself be happy. I keep thinking that because he doesn’t like thrift stores, or Jesus does not at all mean that I don’t also deserve someone who handles AND UNDERSTANDS all of my anxiety, or who rubs my back on the drop of a hat. What matters the most is the fact that I feel like (again I know its corny) I can truly be myself. I act the same when I am alone as when he is around. Nose picking and all. Being that comfortable isn’t an ISSUE it is actually a GOOD THING. 

I had only ever been with people who made me feel like I always had to straighten my hair, show cleavage, shave, wear “natural” color lipstick, so on and so forth. (One final corny thing) I just have to unlearn the past shitty things I have been “taught” and relearn what a actually healthy relationship is like.

[typetypetypefeelings]

So here’s another update amongst this Covid craziness.

I hate hate hate haaaaaaate my new job. I keep telling myself that it’s only temporary and I’ll be back at my other job with my homies soon, but then the responsible adult in me is like “you should keep working both jobs so that you can get a new car and build up your savings and blah blah blah.” Which I mean that must be a good sign because that means I’m a good grown up right?

I don’t know, maybe it will get better when I get back to my other job. Having some sort of shinning light in my life will make this a little more barable.

Last week I thought I was going to loose it all together. Everything was just pushing me closer and closer to the edge. I had another stupid ex boyfriend dream and I wanted to basically jump of a bridge. Will they ever stop? WHO KNOWS. Will it ever stop fucking me up for an entire week? WHO KNOWS AGAIN.

Oh well at least there was more distance between breakdowns this time. Focus on the positive right?

Also, I’ve been doing a HORRIBLE job taking my medicine and I was feeling pretty normal which was making me feel like I could take over the world. Then all of a sudden I woke up one morning and the whole day felt like I was watching myself from a dream. I couldn’t focus on anything in front of me. I kept just zoning out, and my hand kept cramping uncontrollably. Sooooooo apparently I wasn’t doing as great as I thought.

On another note, I’ve been doing good with the whole drinking thing. There are some weeks where I go two whole days in a row without drinking. (Sounds pathetic but let me have my victory) also I can’t remember the last time I DRAAAAAANK. I feel like I have three or four white claws and I just fall asleep now. So again, tiny victory! Go me!

Anywho, pray I don’t quit my job, and pray my brain gets better, the end.

[typetypetypefeelings]

So I got a second job to deal with this whole, the world is ending and I’m going to be unemployed for two months thing. I havnt officially started, BUT literally working here is making me feel like a fucking genius. Okay so like I’m obviously not a super smart person, but like I have a college degree, I do my own taxes, blah blah blah. I’m not a moron. This place omg.....the man who did my orientation could not pronounce the word INTEGRITY. (Maybe he has a speech problem and I’m just a dick but like....) They have adds in the break room encouraging people to get their GEDs. (My dad only has a GED and he makes six figures so no judgement) Also I was ease dropping on some conversations and they were talking about how this paycheck is the biggest paycheck they’ve ever gotten and they’ve worked a million hours of overtime and blah blah blah, & the amount that their TWO WEEK EXTREME OVERTIME paycheck was the amount I can make in one week in season at my current job only working part time. People talk so much shit about serving, but like bro. I don’t even NEED this second job. I can live COMFORTABLY for three months on just my savings. Not even my backup emergency fund. Y’all like for real. These people are blind to life. Or maybe I’m blind to life? I don’t know. New perspectives are just fucking weird man.

[typetypetypefeelings]

Alright so corona virus update. I’m not worried about dying or starving, I’m just worried about going broke. Basically the entire world is loosing its shit and WOOHOO. I’ve missed out on almost two months of being able to save money for the summer. So pretty much come June or July I’m fucked. FFUUUCCCCKKKEEDD. So let’s all hope that once this whole world shut down is over people go completely nuts and go out to eat and drink more than ever before.

I’m also stuck in this weird area of like, do I use my lockdown to be productive? Or or do I just drink myself into oblivion for two weeks because that sounds soooooo much better. I’ll just buy up all the red wine at Aldi. That’s like good for you right? Fruit and antioxidants and shit. Also when I’m having panic attacks about how hungover I am, I can’t have panic attack about how the world is over.

In closing, take me now Jesus.

[typetypetypefeelings]

Alright so its been a hot minute since I cleared out my head and BOY does the crazy really stacks up. The only real question is what should I start with first....

Well first of all, the never ending ocean waves of depression hit a little while ago, but the tides have since repeated. Not getting out of bed, showering, or eating for a few days was obviously amazing for my skin, hair, and health. Luckily the people around me understand how it works and they knew that I would get over it eventually. 

I have been out of town every single weekend for a month and a half. My brain literally cannot handle much more social obligations. Also my bank account his hurting big time. BUT work is busy again so goodbye free time hello immense amounts of extra income to spend on drugs and alcohol. (Which we all know is just going to make everything worse YOLO) Maybe I’ll be smart enough to save some of it for a rainy day.

I also keep having episodes of “Im gonna break up with my boyfriend” even though hes awesome. I keep thinking and dreaming about my ex. Everyone keeps telling me that this is normal but I’ve never really had an ex before so I dont really know what the heck is supposed to be normal. At least the sex dreams have stopped and now Im into just regular dreams. When i think about it, I have had dreams about other guys and I didn’t feel guilty about those. i guess I feel guilty when I dream about my ex because there is actual emotion connected. I mean like I was at the point that I was going to go to his work and talk to him with out telling my boyfriend. I am literally a lunatic. BUT oh well at least I didn’t actually do it. Again, super grateful for my group of friends that convince how crazy I’m being on a daily basis.

Let’s see, what else has been happening.....Im sure I’ll think of a million things as soon as I close my laptop but oh well enjoy for now.

[typetypetypefeelings]

So I am a horrible human being and I have no idea how I am ever going to be able to raise an actual human baby. They should just rip my uterus out and take it away.

Apparently I like to bring wings home from work, and then eat them on the couch and pass out drunk. Then I leave the box of bones on the end table in the living room so that my tiny dog can just eat them all night. Its fine its not like that could KILL HER or anything....

Like when I have a baby am I just gonna leave all the outlets uncovered, and knives everywhere? Granted duh babies are a lot different than dogs, but like I love my dog like my own baby so what am I a monster?

[typetypetypefeelings]

Stuck in my head today is how near death experiences can effect the rest of your life. One would think that after you almost die you get your life together and become a better person and blah blah blah. 

BUT, guess what! That’s for sure not what happened to me.

I almost died, and then all I did was drink more, do more drugs, and fuck more dudes. I cant tell though if that is actually from the almost dying, OR if it is from the fact that I broke off a toxic six year relationship (that I didn’t realize was toxic until afterwards) OR from the fact that I worked my entire life for a college degree that I no longer even use OR the fact that I had a big girl job all lined up but I’m still stuck in the same serving job that I’ve had for three years.

So like is my life entirely fucked because I almost died? Or is my life entirely fucked for all of these other reasons? OR is my life not actually entirely fucked and I am just a drama queen? WHO KNOWS!

Maybe one day I’ll get everything all together and it will all be fine, and then I will look back on this time in my life and be like “LOL that was so fun I’m so glad I got all of that bad girl stuff out of my system so I can basically be the coolest Stepford wife that there is!”

I just need to find a good path that I love very much. I wont even know it until I am halfway down that path and living my best life. I will just wake up one morning and I’ll be there.

[typetypetypefeelings]

Growing up in church one argument they always gave us for not having sex before marriage was that when you have sex with someone else you create unrealistic expectations for your future partner. You take all the things you like about sex with that person and create your dream partner that will never ever be actually attainable. 

Well guess what, I call complete bullshit on that.

Not for reasons you would think though.

There are plenty of people that I have had sex with who i couldn't even describe them to a sketch artist. I don’t know their middle name, or maybe even their last name. I for sure don’t use them as a comparison for anything, let alone for creating a perfect partner.

On the other hand though, there are people that I have never had sex with that i compare to everyone Ive ever met. People who I have grown to have deep emotional connections with. These are the people that I think of when I try to build my perfect partner. 

I don’t try to put together the face of this guy, and the arms of this guy, with the passion of another. Instead I’m out here looking for the humor, kindness, integrity, and compatibility of the others.

So what instead of locking our children up and telling them not to have sex before marriage, are we just supposed to tell them not to speak to anyone at all? Are they not supposed to learn about the good AND BAD qualities of other people so that they can mash up the things that they want in a partner? Or does this go all the way back to like arranged marriages and shit? Were just supposed to pick a person and then no matter what we wake up everyday and pick them. Even though we know that there are other people out there funnier, kinder, and that we have deeper connections with.

I guess that is how it is though. We have to accept people for the qualities that they do have and stop trying to find someone that is PERFECT. Because Lord knows that I am not perfect. So we have to find someone that is perfect for our type of unperfect. We have to forget about trying to decopage some type of Ken doll. Anyways.....just talking myself off of a ledge.

[typetypetypefeelings]

I found out today that the reason why I have been feeling so beyond horrible is that APPARENTLY I have a horrible UTI!!!! Yippie!!! Do not only did I throw up in the bathroom at work, and then realize that I wanted to rip my insides out....BUT then when I was sitting outside calling the online doctor lady to get prescriptions, A GOD FORSAKEN RAT ran across the walkway behind my job. I just pulled my feet up on the bench and pretended like everything was fine. (Which is what I usually do with all of my life)

With this medicine I’m not allowed to drink caffeine for TWO WEEKS. I’m literally going to die and I hate everyone. So I’m just sitting here on the couch with a fucking ice pack on my vagina chugging water trying not to die.

But like at least I’m not actually dying it could be worse soooo COOL.

[typetypetypefeelings]

So someone told me that I should start writing (or typing) out all of my feelings and thoughts, just so I could get them out of my brain and realize just how stupid I am. So here we go.

This week has been a little weird. I had a full on panic attack in the movie theatre on wednesday because I was hungover, on my period, hungry, and sleepy so I kept circling in my head “Is this really why I feel so bad, or am I going to have a seizure?” Which is wonderful since I haven't had a seizure in over nine months, and Im also all out of my anxiety medication. Oh yeah and my seizures are stressed induced so worry about having one is a great idea too. But anyways, I literally got out of my seat and went into the bathroom of the theatre and threw up. Then i sat there on the toilet,  with my pants and underwear still on, gripping onto both of the walls of the stall trying to just breathe deeply. The room was literally spinning and my watch kept yelling at me “You’re heart rate is too high bitch relax.” The only cool part is that my friend I was with didn’t even notice what was going on so i guess I’m getting better at hiding it so WOOHOO.

Secondly, this week was my sisters birthday so I had to fake it through several social gatherings that I didn’t want to do. Usually Im super up for that kind of stuff, but this week I was just NOT feeling it. I barely had half a vodka soda one night and immediately wanted to throw up. It also sucks because I want to be the best big sister possible because she's such an awesome little sister, but ya’ know I guess I did my best. *shoulder shrug* She loves me no matter what and she knows I’ve had a rough week.

Lastly, I had a dream about my old ex boyfriend which was super weird. You would think after almost a year of not being together that wouldn’t happen anymore BUT again, life is weird. Of course after I woke up form that dream, I was alone in my bed stumbled upon some stupid facebook post about how “relationships take effort, and when you give up, that relationship turns sour.” And shit like, “If you put as much effort into your old relationships as you currently put into your new ones, maybe they would have worked.” So that made me cry for a hot minute. Luckily I have some awesome lady friends to remind me how he was an immature ass hole who lied to me and made me feel like shit. Pulled me out of that REAL quick. 

On the bright side of all of this, I have an awesome tall ginger man to snuggle at anytime who loves me very much. I also actually got motivated to clean the ENTIRE apartment this week. I mean like vacuum and disinfect and dust and EVERYTHING. I also lost 10lbs since I started dieting AND got new glasses that make me feel like a sassy education bitch soooooo BRING IT ON.