typicalrambles

[typicalrambles]

I feel like I have this need to explain myself from my previous self a couple months ago that was infatuated by a man that I have never met in my life. When me and him first started talking again after I had ghosted him because I thought my abusive ex was the love of my life. A month or so in, I went and got a tarot reading to see what the cards were like with him back. I was thinking that all of this anxiety and for what? We proceeded on with the reading, it was fairly cheap and I tried not to think too much of it. I told the psychic that this guy was a situationship of sorts. Everything about the reading was spot on. But by the end, she pulled up the judgment card which to her was a card about justice and karmic relationships. With karmic relationships, these things were not meant to last but meant to teach you a lesson and I thought to myself, GOOD GOD! How many more lessons and character development do I have to go through? I really thought that that man was the one for me! Turns out he was just a lesson? I tried not to think of it too much and just kept going into the whole situationship of sorts with him. Until I slowly realized that he wasn't even as invested in it as I was so I decided to ultimately stop replying to him and sure enough, he stopped messaging me too. I don't blame him for not following up with me cause this dude had his fair share of me ghosting him throughout the first half of last year then I eventually resurfaced again after almost half a year of disappearing. I also don't blame him for not wanting to give it another shot but I wish he would've been upfront with me that he wasn't willing to get into a relationship with me. I also could just be putting words into his mouth or thoughts? He probably isn't thinking of half of what I'm saying but it's a huge possibility. I still expected him to be better at communicating because of him being a therapist and all. I guess that's why a lot of therapists have their own therapists because they too are fucked up. Just because it's their jobs to professionally help and fix other people, doesn't mean that they themselves are healed.

A part of me is still trying to figure out what lesson I should be taking from him cause I think that's what's stopping me from meeting the person I'm supposed to be with. For me to be able to accept what I'm meant for, I have to learn what I need to learn and I have to heal from everything ultimately.

I'm currently at Starbucks right now, typing everything away; Trying to figure out what the fuck it is. I know that there's definitely a lot for me to learn still but I almost feel stumped. I honestly have been for a while with a lot of things in my life. I just feel stuck and like everything seems to be slowing down. I know I needed to slow down but slowing down is making me feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. At 26, should I be going out more? Traveling more? Should I just be staying at home and working my ass off while I save my money for my future? I'm not sure what I have to do and where to go. It's been overwhelming cause I feel like everyone around me already knows what they need to do for their future and I feel like I'm also still stuck in limbo; Right where my ex had left me.

There it is. Maybe that's just it.

Am I still too stuck in the past? Did what I go through just make me feel stuck (especially in the past) for a long time? I can't tell. I feel as though I've been blinded by my own judgment with where I need to be in life now. Everything just feels very foggy to me and everything has become a routine. I feel like I didn't have any progress since then but I also know that isn't the case especially with my job. Let me backtrack for a quick second here.

First of all, since we've separated, I landed myself a work from home job that allows me to work anywhere in the world and I've been going to and from Singapore since then. Before I even got tenure at work, I got promoted and got a significant raise from it as well. I was able to treat my parents more to a lot of stuff like spas, food, coffee. It all feels very fulfilling to be able to do all that. While I treated my parents, I also definitely treated myself to a lot of things too. I even bought myself a Nintendo Switch lite which I've been dreaming of for so long. I felt like throughout the time that I've cut ties with him completely, I've been doing all that I can to heal my inner child because this was what I needed to do in the beginning when I broke things off with my 5 year relationship, instead of jumping from one relationship to another right after. I think I was too excited with the fact that the world was my oyster that I didn't even try to slow down. Since then, all I've tried to do was to speed things up that I've lost self-control, discipline, and which lead me to lose my self-respect.

Recently, I met up with my mom's highschool classmates since they have reunions more frequently than others because of their tight-knit group or class. One of her classmates became my godmother. This godmother ended up moving to Paris because she married a man from there. She wanted to go drinking so she was also inviting me since I'm finally of legal age after not being able to drink with them ever since I've been hanging around them since they were in college. I told her that I no longer drank as much as I used to and she was quite surprised to know that since when she was my age, she used to drink a lot and according to her, people at my age should be enjoying life a lot more and drinking more since she still hasn't stopped. I explained to her that I used to party almost every night from 2020 to early 2023. I still drank in 2023 but definitely less. Since I got into my last relationship, I wanted life to slow down. I wanted a quiet life and I told him that too from the beginning. I didn't want too much drama cause I've had way too much of that before. It's too tiring.

Going back, I started feeling like buying all the material things, all the food and drinks that I wanted felt like it wasn't enough. I felt like something else was missing. I tried going back into dating but that was and still is a major bust. I'll try to revisit that another time. For my birthday, I wanted to go on a trip but I was still too scared to visit another country on my own that wasn't Singapore so I decided to go to Manila for my birthday. I scheduled it on the last week of the month and if you can remember, the last 2 days of the trip wasn't as nice as I wanted it to be. But it was, in my opinion, a big step since that's Manila. While I had a portion of my life living in Manila, it was different not having my family there with me. It was easier to get lost and to encounter all the dangers there is but it wasn't too bad, to be honest. I stayed in a condo for about a week and went around Manila.

Now, just last month, I decided to go ahead and book myself a hotel in Bali then eventually booked myself a flight to Bali too! I was initially planning to visit Bali by myself but my dad was scared of me to go alone so he booked mom a flight to Bali too. I'm not complaining, I love traveling with my mom. I think she needs a trip herself too so I'm pretty excited to go. I've been feeling a little bit pressured by my parents to find a husband for myself but my dad pressures me more than mom does. I know that they're joking, but I also know at a certain point they actually mean it. A lot of people my age are finally having kids of their own while their own kid still lives in their house, is single, and plays Stardew Valley on her Switch or Sims 4 all day on her computer. So I thought to myself, I need to really put myself out there but in the Philippines, it's hopeless! Even going to Siargao, Manila, Palawan, or other places here in the Philippines seems hopeless to find a potential partner. The closest and cheapest option would be to head over to Bali (and yes, I've tried Singapore - men there are worse. Talk about Asian upbringing lol). Most men in Bali are most likely already married, in relationships, or are also just looking for something casual but it's worth trying. I'm also feeling pretty hopeful about Bali but I'm worried that my 5 day stay won't be enough so I'm trying to see if it's possible for me to do a 1 month stay in Bali. If not in Bali, I'm trying to figure out where I could possibly stay for an entire month where I can still work when I need to and just go around the beach and go surfing. I'm thinking if I can maybe stay at my friend's resort in Zambales but I'll still have to compute everything and do more research on it. It doesn't seem like such a bad idea right now. Otherwise, I'll try to find something in Uluwatu or Canggu, Bali.

A week before my birthday, I started getting the birthday blues again and it was scaring me because I was turning 26. It was all starting to feel a little too real. I'm no longer a kid. No matter what, I have to accept the fact that I'm no longer the 15 year old girl, 21 year old woman that's full of hope that I used to be. I have to accept the fact that I infact am growing older and that's when it hit me that I'm not entirely living my life the way that I want to and I won't have enough time when I'm much older. I knew I had to do something. I was thinking, maybe I should move to Manila, but then what? Where would I stay? What would I do? It's not really a practical move. Do I move to a different country? Knowing what my capabilities are right now, it's a bit of a far reach and would probably take a really long time before I could finally do that. Finally, I've decided, I should continue living with my parents since I'm not sure where my future husband will be and if I'd have to relocate at all. At least I'd be with my parents until then and I'd just be traveling to more places while I'm still young and not too busy. I just need to learn now not to spend too much money so I can travel to more places without worrying too much about my finances.

I like to think this whole part of me managing my finances is one of the big lessons that I need to learn before my future partner comes in. Another thing is definitely having to choose myself over other people and learning how to prioritize what needs to be done. I need to learn how to stop being so impulsive with my finances and my decisions in life. I think that's also why I'm trying to figure out this whole thing with me staying at the beach for about a month.. I'll try to plan this whole thing after October which will be my 5 day stay in Bali with mom. For now, I have to figure out how to save my money and not spend so much AGAIN.

On another note, my dad is currently in Miami, Florida right now for work. He and my mom have been suggesting that I apply at their company to work for their business dev team so that I could travel for work. They mentioned that they let their people travel to some places in the US, Europe, and Asia. Right now, I'm still building up my courage to apply to their company cause I'm not entirely sure if I'm ready to handle all the stress that comes along with their job requirements. I'm just so happy and thankful with my job right now that I'm not sure if I'm ready to finally step out my comfort zone again but thinking about it, it would be such a good experience for me, not just for my all around lifestyle maybe but especially for work. It would probably skyrocket my career to a certain level. I think I want to try the 1 month stay at the beach first before I push through with it. Right now, I'm still convincing my dad to bring me and mom with him when he goes back to Florida this November. Hopefully, he considers it.

On another note, I've finally decided to revisit my religion again. Like all hobbies I've had, I am yet again not consistent. I think I need to do more to fully understand my religion. While I've grown up studying in Catholic schools my entire life, I never understood it because I couldn't care less back then. My belief for science was so much stronger than my belief for my own religion that I could not even be bothered to pay attention to even our theology classes. It was embarrassing to me even as a kid to be Catholic. When I brought it up to some of my friends, I've received mixed emotions from them; Shock, surprise, disbelief, shame, and support. I once prayed to Mama Mary, and I bawled my eyes out. I felt nothing but relief praying to her so I'm really doing my best to stay consistent. I think I need to learn more about it for me to become more religious or consistent with my beliefs. For my entire life, I've strongly believed in science and it's kind of hard at this point to unlearn everything or to at least let both my religion and my belief for science to live hand in hand in my brain. I feel like both science and religion just won't mix well. It's kind of hard to justify religion without scientific back up. In my brain, it just doesn't make any sense so I'm still trying to learn how to let them mix together.

I guess turning 26 really changed how my brain thinks now. I've underwent a lot of phases in my life, a lot of progress but to me, it's still not enough. I sometimes feel as though I'm not doing enough. I guess we'll have to see where the world takes me for the last few months of me being 26.

24th June 2025 4:30PM (I literally started at 2:30PM today lol)

[typicalrambles]

I sometimes think to myself, "What if this is all there is to life?" This thought had been running in my mind for a few months now and it kind of scares me. People say that it's good to be scared because it means that there's something that needs to be changed in my life but at this point, I'm no longer sure where to start. I had it going on well at the start of the year until slowly my spark just disappeared again.

What if this is really all there is to MY life? With the worldwide epidemic that is male loneliness, will I never marry? What if I was wrong about my soulmate being out there somewhere just waiting for me like I am waiting for him? What if I will only ever live with my parents until the day that I die? I'll still have a somewhat full life but not that life I had wanted for myself. My dream is still to become a wife and a mother, but with the dating scene, it all just seems impossible or so out of my reach. I know I probably sound depressing, desperate, and impatient and I probably am but can you really blame me?

How I picture my life at this point if fate really is just me becoming a matandang dalaga, is that I'd grow old with my parents, eventually build up the farm (and most likely the resort I plan to create), well-traveled, but alone. I am slowly accepting that this is all there is to it now. Maybe I really wasn't meant to become a mother or a wife.

People say that we shouldn't be speaking these things into existence because the more you say it, the more that it manifests but I think it's just better for me to become at peace with the fact that I will probably never marry. I have had a good run in my youth. I've had several partners in my life and a whole lot of experiences that made me into who I am today. Just like I've told my ex boyfriend that hated my past so much, my past definitely doesn't define who I am as a person. I know who I am and I see myself as a strong, beautiful, loving, and caring woman that would do anything for the people that she truly cherishes. But my past has definitely shaped me into this. I think without everything that I ever had to go through in life, I would probably not be half the person I am now. I have gone through several phases and several hardships in life that had pushed me to become the version of myself now. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I find it somewhat hard to believe that this is all there is for me and that I would never ever become a mother and/or a wife. I have so much in me to give to my future husband and children. I know that I would be amazing. This really can't be all there is to life.

My love, you have to be out there somewhere and not in another universe, another lifetime, another dimension. You have to be in this one with me. Wherever you are, I do hope you really are out there looking for me as I type all of this down. I have never even met you probably but I already miss you. I feel as though we've met before and that's most likely how I'm going to feel when I finally meet you, huh?

See you soon?

23rd June 2025 11:02PM

[typicalrambles]

Okay so I know that I told myself that I would make more entries since I'd be dedicating some of these entries to my future husband and I personally think that was such a bad idea. The last few entries that I made that were supposed to be dedicated to him ended up feeling very awkward for me LOL so that was a major bust. It made me not wanna speak up at all when I should have. I will probably go back to making this whole thing as my usual online journal without referring to anyone particular. I'll leave this out here for now and I'll come back once I got something final in my brain that I would be fully passionate to talk about again.

[typicalrambles]

Since my last entry, I really have been feeling like maybe I am being quite delusional about me and him. For all I know, he could only see me as another friend that he wishes to visit that's in another country. But I literally just saw a post where this woman was saying "YOU are not being delusional" as if it were a confirmation that everything in my head is true. I could probably sound like a complete lunatic at this point, but I wasn't even a part of his plans initially but he still decided to come over to my country to see me. I just keep seeing insanely accurate signs left and right, and you know what? I'm accepting it. I don't care if I sound crazy but I'm not doing anything to hurt him or anyone else (that I know of) so I'm taking the risk and believing that there really is something going on between us and if all the signs are right, it could actually end up being something that I've always dreamed of, something healthy, stable, and secure. Something FOR GOOD this time and man, I really do hope and pray that it is.

I personally think that we actually get along so well. All I ever do when I talk to him is laugh and THINK. Bro always has something to say that will make my brain think. He doesn't have to know that for some of them though, I did have to search up some stuff only because of how forgetful I am and how much my brain hasn't been able to process much these days but the conversations are always so smooth and fun. I truly am excited to see what we both are like in person. For some reason, my gut is telling me that my life really will change pretty significantly this year. Either way, I hope he ends up loving my company and who I am as a person cause I think he is an amazing person so far talking to him for the past year. So far from what I've observed, he is everything in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 which I have never encountered before in my life. I hope this part I am not wrong about.

14th March 2025 04:25PM

[typicalrambles]

I found myself getting overwhelmed last night and wanting to end things again with him only cause I feel scared to get hurt or to feel judged again. This should be something I need to be getting over especially with how strongly I felt at the start, wanting to make sure that I won't mess things up this time around. While there's a high chance that I might be trying to self-sabotage once again cause I know that if I go into this, I'd be opening myself up to a totally different world and would mean that I'd need to step out of my comfort zone. I think I might just be trying to look for that sense of security which can be so hard to ask for at this stage where you don't even know where you stand. It's both exhilarating and frustrating at the same time. I can't even determine at this point if the part of me that hates to give up will win or if it will be the part of me that likes to self-sabotage a whole lot but I do feel like my feelings for him right now are stronger which might mean that I really would try not to mess things up now. I just hope to get that sense of security still.

In all honesty, I could still be overthinking this or even could be delusional. At least that's what my brain likes to torture me with from time to time and I could just be embarrassing myself when after a couple months come by. Even if it doesn't go as I hope it would, the only thing I'm thinking of is at least I gave it a shot and I wouldn't have any "What if's" anymore. Maybe a few "what could have been's" here and there but that would be a whole lot easier to live with than the constant wondering of what if. But man, do I hope it all works out the way I want it to and hopefully even better. I've got nothing but pure intentions for this man and I wish nothing but to make him happy in every way that I can and every chance that I get.

Clearly, I've got a big fat crush on him. A tarot lady on the internet said to take chestnuts as a sign from the universe LOL

12th March 2025 02:13PM

[typicalrambles]

golden hour

I think its so crazy how you could get such extreme emotions off of a song. You know when you listen to some songs and you relate this song to a specific person, specific stage of your life, specific experiences in your life and they're followed by these emotions you have of what it was like during and/or the aftermath of that relationship, experiences, or phase in your life? Its exactly that, but listening to it this time that I'm baked like a cake, all I could vividly imagine all of the positive memories and only feel complete happiness and brief tranquility that feels addicting. I see them all in my head very vividly; Every laugh, every turn of the car while we're on the road headed wherever together, every moment in limbo when it was quiet and it was just us; All the little things we fall in love with when we're truly in love with someone. But mixed with all that are little scenes of the bad hidden behind all those good and big scenes.

When I'm sober these days, all it ever makes me feel is an sudden and overwhelming wave of sadness. But listening to it today, high up in the clouds, all I could think of was how happy i used to be with this person. As soon as the song started fading deeper into my brain, I slowly remembered all the shit he has ever done to me and how I decided one too many times to keep a blind eye to everything and defend him like crazy to everyone we ever knew.

Immediately after this song, I get brought to a completely different song, during a different time in my life which is the present, and this present includes a completely different person and a new and unfamiliar feeling. This person is the embodiment of golden hour with his golden like hair, eyes as deep and blue as the ocean, and smile and aura as warm and inviting as the sun. You know when after it rains and the sun slow comes peeping to say hi? That's what I feel is currently happening in my present, which would then be followed by the sun finally being here and all I could do at that point is to bask in all the happiness I would get from him.

Or that feeling of being out in the rain for so long and finally coming to a warm and cozy home where you can finally relax in knowing that you won't ever have to go through all the dark and coldness outside anymore.

Who knew I had all these emotions hidden inside me. I knew I liked him so much but I never thought that I liked him THIS much.

If you do end up going through my blog, I hope you find this cute and not weird whatsoever xoxo

11th March 2025 01:55PM

[typicalrambles]

Hello future husband!

I just got my nails done a couple weeks ago and they look sooooo pretty!!! I hope you know and understand how important it is for me to pamper myself a lot. I enjoy spas, facials, getting my nails done. I will do everything I can as long as I can afford it to spoil myself. Being that you're my husband, you probably already know how important that is to me and I'm sure you'll support all my silly self-love rituals and probably wouldn't even think it's silly. I normally pay for my own nails but yesterday, for the first time, my dad paid for it! He doesn't usually pay for stuff like that cause he thinks that its too much money for nails that would probably last for only a month cause my nails grow long pretty quick (I wish I could say the same for my hair). I'm constantly finding ways to improve myself but at the same time I feel like I'm still not doing enough. I'm currently looking into this thing where these women would do high maintenance rituals every week/month just to remain low maintenance in their everyday lives. It looks like so much work but also looks very satisfying. By the time we're married, you'd probably already know if I actually pushed through with that or not and if I did, you'd also probably memorize my routine by the T. It's so much fun taking care of myself. It makes me feel so pretty!

I'm still trying to learn how to balance it out though cause I tend to spoil myself a little too much lately though. Some of these things I think I need but I really don't so bear with me if it's still a problem to whenever you'd be reading this.

Another thing I wanted to talk to you about is how close I've gotten with my parents. Ever since I moved back, I've been able to appreciate them a lot more and I'm also able to talk to them about a whole lot of stuff that I never thought I would be open to talking about with them. Oh man, you are gonna love them! It's even crazier to me that both of my parents are fire signs and I'm the only air sign in the family. You should know that before we even started dating, we've already formed some sort of council meeting to determine whether or not you are worthy or not and if you've gotten this far, you know my parents love you! Those two are my bestest friends.

I also got back from my 1 week stay in Manila last March 2nd. My stay there was super nice, very calming stay until my last evening came... I had a fight with a friend that I've known for 3 years now. To make the long story short, I felt out of place and pushed away by this friend of mine and at the same time disrespected. I had my own faults, I admit but his treatment from during the day time up until the evening all just pushed me to my limits. It got to a point where my best friend of 9 years who is also his girlfriend seems to have sided with him than with me considering how she's distanced herself from me. I've dealt with enough for me to try and chase her back or ask for forgiveness for feeling the way that I did that evening when everyone I would tell to about this story would side with me about it. I hopped on a call with the guy that I was talking to you about previously for the first time. I wrote a note about the experience on March 2, 2025 at 4:23AM:

"I was on call with him for what seemed like hours with the many things we just kept talking about. However he was like on chat, he was the same on the phone but this time the conversations just kept going and going from one thing to another and it all just flowed naturally. Ideally, our first call shouldn’t have been the way it was where I was needing someone to talk to about a friend issue I had. How I pictured our first call to be like was for it to come from a calmer state of mind for myself instead of being frustrated and scared but even though he was groggy and just woke up, had things to do like homework, we still hopped on call and talked. He eventually ended up telling me all these stories about his friends and just kept making me laugh the entire time. It was only for a little over an hour but it felt like hours in the best way possible. He has the cutest laugh ever. It’s crazy."

I hope it doesn't make me sound crazy but I really like him a lot. Despite everything that went down that night, he definitely made the night 10x better. If you aren't this person that I'm talking about, I'm so sorry, my love. Please know that I love you dearly. Know that everything I write about now is just a part of the story of my journey to you, and well, if it's actually you, hi! I'm so excited to meet you :)

9th March 2025 12:15PM

[typicalrambles]

Hello my future husband!!

This feels weird to talk about but I guess I could use someone to talk to about this and if this actually ends up being you, then I guess this is about you! If not, I'm sure you're just gonna laugh about all this. Either way, don't laugh a little too hard though, okay? Also, I'm so sorry if all I ever talk about are guys in my blog. Or at least, for the most part. Please know that I love you and that everything that I've been through has led me to you! If you're reading this, my husband, please demand for hugs and kisses!

I was talking to this guy starting last year of January, he's unfortunately on the other side of the world but he's so handsome, so funny, and smart! When I first matched with him on OKC, I told him that he looked like a ray of sunshine! He had this glow on his face especially when he was smiling on his photos and his blond hair was definitely helping the whole ray of sunshine thing. We hit it off pretty well if you ask me but when we were first talking, I was in a very tough situation where I had my ex still lingering around since I still haven't moved out from our old apartment and back to mom and dad's. My ex had already moved out months prior but he still kept going to the apartment... to check on me? Anyways, at one point, that ex got jealous of Mr. Sunshine saying how we had such amazing chemistry, based off of a conversation he read off of my instagram which I'm not even sure how he got to read.

Fast forward to April of 2024, we were finally talking about how we should see each other and he'd come to the Philippines to visit me in July. I was both excited and terrified at the same time that I let my fears take over me and I ended up ghosting him. I was so scared that he would visit me and think that he'd wasted his money only to find out I'm some catfish. I've regretted letting my fears take control of my decisions and I still regret it to this day. I feel like things would have been so much more different now if only I still pushed through with our plans. I think that was a big lesson for me to learn cause ever since then, I still hadn't gotten him off of my head. Every now and then, there were so many things that reminded me of him and I'd just wanna message him. He even had such a similar last name to my dad's coworker and I was mindblown cause WHAT WERE THE ODDS!

I had so much shame but I messaged him anyway last October 2024 to apologize. I wasn't expecting anything at all, not even a response, let alone forgiveness. I just wanted to let him know that I regret it and that I was genuinely sorry. I figured he deserved an apology. I was rude and he was nothing but nice to me. He replied saying that he wasn't mad or anything and that he wasn't even sure why he was trying to start a long distance relationship with someone in the Philippines when his plans were to move to Japan and all I could think of was "YOU WANTED ME TOO!?" I genuinely didn't know he wanted that with me at all. I'm always oblivious to these things. But my response was that long distance would still be tough even with that distance. So stupid, right? All I wanted was to be with this man no matter the distance. Even if he was still staying in LA and we'd be long distance for life, I still wanted to be his person. He's always been such an interesting soul to me and I just wanted to be around him. I don't understand why.

It took a while for him to warm up. I don't blame him. I wouldnt've forgiven myself if I were in his shoes. But we've been talking a lot more often lately and we also ended up deciding on seeing each other this July/November 2025. I'm still nervous but I feel a lot better about myself. He told me to send a picture of myself without any filters and makeup on so I wouldn't feel too nervous when we meet and I did and he still thought I was beautiful and even more than with makeup and filters on.

I told myself that I should never pass up any opportunity ever again whether it be to go on a date, in terms of my career, or have a tall blond blue eyed handsome man come visit me in the Philippines. I figured that all of this would only teach me new things and would only make me a better person. I also told myself that I have to stop beating myself up so much (which is something he told me to stop doing too and I'm sure you will too). I hope I gain more confidence over next few months! I'll keep you posted, my love!

2:27PM 7th of February 2025

[typicalrambles]

26

Hello my future husband,

This is technically my first entry to hopefully my many letters that I will write to you. I got this idea a couple days ago when I went to Manila with mom to visit my tita. We stayed in BGC for 3 days and 2 nights and my tita got an airbnb in Uptown Parksuites which was the most beautiful and boujee looking building that I've seen in the area. I saw that building a couple years ago when I went to party in one of the clubs there and thought to myself that it would be so nice to live there. Never would I have guessed that I would even get to stay there for a few days. Granted, it wasn't the nicest airbnb that I've stayed at but it was still super fun pretending that I'm some rich and boujee BGC girly. It felt nice to get a glimpse of what their lives are like out there. But during my stay there got me thinking: "This is not how I pictured my life to be like at the age of 26."

I thought at this point I would be living on my own, enjoying my everyday life, traveling more, and living outside of the country or at least in a place like BGC. I never thought that I would still be living with my parents. I know that I should be more patient with myself cause I'm still young and there's so much that I'm yet to see and do but it feels like I'm not even close to where I wanna be and what I want to be doing in life. I did get the work from home job that I wanted and would be able to travel everywhere that I wanna go to even while I work remotely but I also want to be living in a place where I could just get dressed and step outside of my house and walk around places like in BGC. I want to have that level of convenience than having to travel an hour and a half and spend thousands just to stay in a place like that for even just less than a week.

During my last night in Manila, I hopped on a call with my best friend and told her about my worries. I'm currently still debating on whether I should just save up to move out there and get a higher paying job just for me to be able to live there and live the way that I want or just keep saving up to travel more which the latter doesn't sound like the worst idea in the world.

I wish you were here now though. I know you would be smart and help me think of ways to go about all this but obviously this is something I have to figure out on my own and I can't wait to tell you all the stories that will happen from here. I know you're gonna enjoy all the stories I'm going to tell you and maybe by then we would be enjoying life so much more. I'm so excited to meet you! Just know that everything I'm doing now is not just for myself but for the both of us. Until then, see you soon, my love!

2nd of February 2025 1:41 PM

[typicalrambles]

I've decided that this tumblr account that serves as my online journal will be a place where I will post my "love letters" to my future husband which will technically still be the same content of me posting my thoughts but more of in the thought of telling him stories of what has been going on while he still isn't around or isn't aware that he is my husband yet if that makes any sense, just so I could be more motivated to make more entries.

[typicalrambles]

It's so funny to me that the last post I had on this account was about a boy that I thought for sure I would end up with. A few months after I made that post, I told him that I couldn't take it anymore; He made someone that doesn't easily give up, finally give up on him. I was extremely blind to all the bad things that he has done because I forced myself to see the good in him and while there was a lot of good, there was still a lot more bad than I'd like to admit.

I won't bore you with all the details but he has cheated on me, betrayed me, manipulated and gaslit me, slut-shamed me, got my private photo leaked by his ex, and at one point, he physically hurt me but also saved my life at the same time.

I never told a single soul of all the things he has done because I was scared and I wanted to protect his name but I've learned that the more that I keep it to myself, the more that I would gaslight myself like he did to me and that would only cause me eternal torture. I eventually told my best friends one by one, and I would get the same reaction; Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Disgust. Tears.

Despite everything that he's done, if I were given a chance to rewrite that time in my life, I wouldn't remove him from that chapter of my life and hope that everything were to be different. Younger me would want that, but I wouldn't. Why? Only because everything that I had to endure only made me a stronger and better person. I was able to find myself after I broke things off with him and even more so when I completely blocked him everywhere. When I blocked him, that's when I saw him for who he truly was. He was nothing but a boy with incredible self-esteem issues that he couldn't even see for himself. He didn't see all the problems that he had in him and had no intentions of fixing them whatsoever. He eventually moved on to an 18 year old girl a few weeks after we broke up which I can assume he has had his eyes on even while we were together. I've gotten so used to him that it didn't even surprise me anymore. I'm more scared for the girl being taken advantage of, manipulated, get cheated on, and get physically abused like he did to me but I can't save everyone and I'm definitely not going to stop her because I know what it's like to be in her shoes. I know how charming this 26 year old guy can be and she would never believe me even if I show her proof.

I have loved this boy more than I have ever loved anyone in my life but I never want to be with him ever again even if his grandma that I love so dearly would beg me to take him back because I know I deserve a better love story than that. I know that someday I will love someone better more than I've loved him, someone that will love me just as much as I'd love them.

This wasn't the growth that I wanted but it's the growth that I needed and I'm proud of myself for going through it so bravely.

20th January 2025

[typicalrambles]

koi no yokan

I told myself at the beginning that I wouldn't allow myself to get attached too quickly to someone again after what I've experienced previously in late 2022. I didn't want to let anyone get a grasp of me again until I knew it was for sure. I had this whole plan about how I was going to make sure that he would have to work for everything just to gain my affections, but when I met him on January 18, 2023, a little past 4pm, I couldn't help but enjoy his company.

We met on a dating app. We all know how dating apps are notorious for it just being used by men to hook up and by women to actually find themselves a good match and if not, then fuck it. M was the kind of guy you would see on dating apps that didn't look like they gave a single crap about love and relationships. He looked like the type to have cute little flings, fuck around, and you'll just see him again somewhere random like the mall, smile at each other and never speak again. He looked like he was the kind of person that had a lot of good stories to tell, and boy, was I right about that last part.

The night before the 18th of January, we had a few chats on the so-called dating app and he eventually asked me out on a date; "Infusions, 4pm." I had agreed when I initially had plans on heading to Manila to unwind a bit and experience more of the chaotic city that I once loved. The next day, I went to the coffee shop a few minutes earlier than we talked about so I could calm myself down and see if I knew anyone there since I was there quite often and knew the baristas. I wanted to make sure that I had a safe space in case the date turned out sour. I scoped out the entire place and knew no one else except for the baristas and found myself utterly disgusted by the obnoxious looking guys there. M arrived at the coffee shop a little later than I did and he apologized for being late as he had to do some errands of his own. I told him that it was alright and that I wanted to get there sooner. He then put out his hand and said "Hi, I'm M." I shook his hand, "Hi, I'm A." He asked me for any good recommendations of the coffee shop since I had told him the night before that I would visit the place quite often as it had been a hang out spot of me and my old friend group. I suggested the coffee shop's specialty which was either the dirty horchata or the salted caramel latte. He got the dirty horchata for himself and got me the salted caramel latte. We stayed outside since we were both smokers at the time. The entire day until the evening we found ourselves talking to each other non-stop and he even knew the obnoxious guy which surprisingly enough he hated! He ended up having a mutual friend that we both ended up learning that we both didn't like this guy. From that point on, we were inseparable. We adored each others company so much because of all the things we had in common, all the stories we had to tell, and bonded over judging the people that was around us. The night was about to end and I asked him if he was hungry (cause in all honesty, I badly needed to pee but I hated the bathroom of the place). We ended up deciding on getting some food at KFC and headed back to my apartment. Before we go any further, you have to know that I did not plan on taking this man home and I didn't plan to have sex with him either.

Once we got to the apartment, my roommate and best friend at the time was home working on her laptop on our dining table. Apparently, they knew each other from high school as well but never talked. What a small world, am I right? My ex-best friend, R, had interviewed this man as if he were about to apply for a new job and he just went along with it. We all had a wonderful time until it was just the two of us and R had to head back to her room to get some sleep. I noticed that M had been surveying our cute little apartment and kept staring at my room from my widely-opened door from the dining area. Innocently, I asked him if he wanted a tour of my bedroom.

We settled on my bed, continued to talk the night away and bonded over music. He even sang to me! By morning, we were finally comfortable with each other. He admitted that he was feeling a lil something something down there but didn't want to have sex cause he has this rule about not having sex on the first date. I told him that I was totally fine with that but that he had 3 options:

A. We have sex and he ends up regretting it;

B. We don't have sex, continue on with our day, he goes home feeling regret that we hadn't;

C. We have sex but he wouldn't regret it one bit.

He contemplated on this thought for what felt like 30 minutes until he finally reached his verdict. He chose C. From then, we had no idea what to do. We were so awkward around each other which was so unusual for me and he asked, "Can I kiss you?" I burst into laughter after he had asked me so awkwardly and sweetly if he could kiss me. I told him that he didn't have to ask me and he could just kiss me because I'd already given him the consent to have sex with me so it was fine if he wanted to kiss me. "I just really value consent.", said M. He kissed me and it was the most wholesome kiss I've had. After everything, we decided to get some breakfast and had gone to sleep. We woke up in the evening at 7pm, I'd drooled on him! I wiped my drool off of his chest and I apologized. It was so embarrassing but I had the best sleep I'd had in months. He just giggled and said it was fine. I later on found out that he had found that whole interaction adorable. He mentioned that he had to go and I asked him if he could stay another night. He checked his phone and said, "Alright, sure. I can stay another night." We continued on and kept talking the entire night once again. The next day, I had to go to work and he'd offered to drop me off at the station where my company shuttle waits for us. He watched me as I got ready for work even while I was doing my makeup (I still think about this heavily to this day). The entire trip to the station, we'd been talking and he held my hand and wrapped his arm around me while we were walking or sitting in the jeepney.

Once he dropped me off and kissed me goodbye, I knew I was fucked.

We continued to spend almost everyday together. Talked almost 24/7 and now we're planning to get married soon. He is the person I have experienced koi no yokan with. It was just inevitable for me to fall in love with him, and I have no regrets.

8th August 2024 12:03PM

[typicalrambles]

The start of my happiness project

I find the whole idea of starting my happiness project as such a big task to accomplish given that the author took a whole year to accomplish this entire task, however, after finishing Gretchen Rubin's book on the happiness project, she mentioned there that you can start off with making resolutions that are small or big, on whatever timeframe I wish to do. One thing I need to remind myself for this project is to take my time and to be more patient with myself.

At the first few chapters of the book, people have mentioned that they started their own happiness project out of an event of adversity such as a break up or a divorce. For me, as much as I hate to admit it, I decided to start my own happiness project when my partner wanted to delay his proposal to me.

Now, I know what you're probably thinking, "Girl, you don't have to change yourself to ensure this mans proposal to you" or "It's just a delay, it's not that bad" and while you may be right, I have also been feeling so stuck and feeling like I have been dragging everyone down around me, especially my partner that I talk to and seek for their company almost 24/7. It's not an easy job to be in a relationship, let alone, a marriage with someone that is mentally ill and is very so often depressed or anxious. Remembering what Rubin has mentioned in her book, us as humans tend to stick to this psychological phenomenon called the negativity bias wherein we would cling on to bad feelings or emotions more than we would to the comparable positive emotions. On top of that, we also have this psychological phenomenon called the emotion contagion where we almost always mirror the emotions of another person, no matter how irrelevant their situation may be to us which is why I've decided to take on this happiness project for myself since if I'm happy, other people around me would be happier too.

A marriage is a big commitment that I've always dreamed of taking on ever since I was a kid. It has been my lifelong dream to become a wife one day to a very loving and caring husband with a provider mindset. I've dedicated almost most of my life (yes, including my pre-teen years) on doing research on how to become the perfect partner and wife. With my partner that is the description of what I want in a husband and him actually wanting to be married to me and not just talking about marriage as wishful thinking, I've come to my full senses that I really needed to take care of myself more if I wanted to take care of this man and our kids for the rest of my life, which includes me being in an almost constant happy state or at least to lessen my anxiety and depression.

I've started to invest more in vitamins, self-help books, items to enhance meditation (incense, palo santo, sage sticks, and candles), and started to listen to more calming music for meditation throughout my days and started using mental health apps to track my progress, moods, and etc. For the most part, all of these have shown immense progress in my pursuit for happiness but not enough for me to keep it going in the long run. To quote Rubin's First Splendid Truth: "To be happy, I need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right in an atmosphere of growth." I finally have to start putting all of the knowledge that I've gotten from all my research and from reading Rubin's book into action because what is all this knowledge for if I won't be putting them to good use through the concept of growth.

For the start of my journey, I wanted to get rid of all my clutter, just as Gretchen did. I tend to get discouraged to clean up whenever I have too much clutter or if the place is too much of a mess to begin with since it seems like such a nagging task to do. So to begin, I've decided to get rid of all the clothes that I have in my closet to either donate, give away, sell, or throw away then to officially rearrange my closet and properly categorize all of them in their specific drawers. After that, I'll proceed with getting rid of all my other clutter such as my knick-knacks. Basically anything that no longer serves me happiness goes straight to the trashbags and boxes. Since this is such a big task for me that I have been postponing for years on end, I'll keep this as my first resolution for this month of August.

My parents have also offered a challenge for the entire family to participate in which is to start working out on the treadmill for at least 3 times a week and if we miss one day in a week, we have to pay 50 pesos for each day. I think this is another resolution that I can start to incorporate into my routine as early as now. Given with all the munchies that I have been having, I sure need to get myself back in shape before me and my partner finally decides to conceive (apparently, it's important to be fit or slimmer if you are trying for a baby). Including the exercise, I plan on trying to lessen my intake for fake food or snacks such as chips.

Prior to making these resolutions, I have also started to apply one of Rubin's Twelve Commandments which was to Lighten up. I tend to be the type to nag, complain, snap, and brood which really affects not just my partner but my friends and family as well and upon asking my partner after applying this for a month or two now, he did mention that he has started to notice a difference in both our moods. It's been easier for me as well since I wouldn't feel guilty after snapping at him with some snide remark on how he's too busy playing video games on his phone or on his computer. I've been a lot happier from this alone and it has made our relationship so much lighter and easier to deal with. I must admit that Rubin was right about how it's hard to just keep things light when you want to explode so bad. As the saying goes, it's easier to be heavy and hard to be light.

I know that these are all steps that I have been trying to accomplish for almost my entire life but I never really fully put my head to it. Hopefully this time around, I'll be more disciplined in trying to get all of these done. Again, I'll keep you posted.

6th August 2024 11:28AM

[typicalrambles]

Passions in life

All my life, whenever I have been asked the question "What are you passionate about?", my brain always thought about the arts or tourism and hospitality but as I grew older, both passions that I used to have seem to be kept in a storage box in the back most part of my brain that has ended up becoming unused. Most of the people I know seem to keep their passions going and making them into really successful careers such as owning a coffee shop, selling baked goods, making and selling art, photography, videography, fashion styling, flight attendants, owning a resort, pursuing the field of business, and so on. Not that I'm comparing myself to them, I'm genuinely so happy for them but I feel as though one of the reasons as to why I constantly keep having this so-called "quarter life crisis" is because I've never solidified what I truly am passionate about.

When I think about the arts, I now think about how outdated I am with the field and how I'd be so rusty after being on hiatus for months to years. I could say the same for the makeup industry. Nowadays, more and more people are becoming a whole lot better when it comes to doing makeup and I just feel like I'm some oldie that is outdated when it comes to makeup looks and how I'm still so amazed by cut creases. I also unfortunately feel the same way about the tourism and hospitality industry. Now this one I was so extremely passionate about when I was in college which just slowly disappeared as soon as I started working. I felt as though it was becoming harder and harder to reach my dreams of becoming a resort owner. With my mental health, it just hasn't become a great fit for me to work at the airport either. The tourism and hospitality industry isn't really apologetic or barely has any remorse for people with mental disorders because at the end of the day, business is business and our clients experiences matters a whole lot.

Recently, I realized that practicality mattered a lot more than your passions especially if your passions is as big as owning a resort and it's not exactly that easy to earn enough money in the Philippines to pursue what you're passionate about (e.g owning a resort). Continuing this paragraph on this thought alone has gotten me stuck. For more than a year now, I've been thinking greatly about if I should be changing what I should be passionate about or exploring those that I used to be really interested in, even if it meant exploring what I used to love as a highschool student which was to become a writer. None of these passions are impossible to reach but they are gonna be tough to reach especially that I don't come from a rich family and my pay isn't really that big.

One thing that I know I have been dreaming of being is and always will be to become a mother. Because it's something that I am passionate about but still can't have at the moment, I've decided to still keep that passion that I have and work on myself and do my research on preparing myself for parenthood no matter how far it might still be, along with doing research on certain household duties and on the environment that me and my partner plans to live in. I think that keeping this passion is good but not enough as I'd wanna pursue something that is outside of our relationship. Something that I would have only for myself and that is still something that I'm trying to figure out at the moment. I'm in no particular rush but it would definitely be nice to figure it all out now while I'm still young than to pursue it by the time that I'm older.

5th August 2024 10:48AM

[typicalrambles]

A glimmer of hope 777

The title sounds like I've gone through such a depressing and catastrophic situation when in fact this entry is just about how my day started today. I've had such a terrible start and end to my day yesterday and thought to myself "Okay, here we go again, we are once again going back into my old habits and all of what I thought were progress the past week/s were all just because I was manic. Figures!" but when I woke up this morning, I felt light again and as if I was ready to conquer the day again like I'd felt when everything was going good. Don't get me wrong, I've still had mini waves of anxiety this morning but it's so much better and I'm able to cope with it better now comparing to the past few days that things have been terrible. I'm still trying to figure out what might have been the cause as to why I've been in such a bad mood the past few days but come to think of it, all of that could just be "one of those days".

On Gretchen Rubin's book, The Happiness Project, she had mentioned on a page or two there about this one day where everything during her day was absolutely shit and she was snapping at everyone at home the whole day and she had been in a bad mood for about a week or less. It got me thinking, if this woman that has done major research and applied all of her learnings into real life where she got amazing results, still gets bad days then that means I could have bad days too and that it's all just normal and it shouldn't be something to worry about. After Rubin's bad days, she bounced right back up and continued with her project and her progress once again.

Reminder to self for the MILLIONTH time: Not all progress is linear. Sometimes it could go up and other time it could go down. It will definitely feel like an emotional rollercoaster but that doesn't mean that you never made any progress to begin with.

I am genuinely so happy that I am actually making more progress now and I can't wait to make more progress in the future with the above reminder in mind. I cannot wait to see what August has in store for me.

31st July 2024 09:40AM

[typicalrambles]

Nostalgia

While I was under the influence last night before I went to sleep, I caught myself staring at the dolls that I had in my room. I was reading something from The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin which was a comment on her blog from one of her readers. On this chapter, it talked a lot about indulging in a modest splurge and this specific comment mentioned that his wife had been bugging him about fixing up and organizing the basement since they moved into their place. After 3 years of putting it off, he eventually decided to hire a personal organizer to help fix up the place. He was so happy about this mini splurge since they did really well with the basement and plus they even got to sell a lot of the stuff that was down there. Just like in one of the first few chapters of this book, Gretchen mentioned something about her pulling a Marie Kondo in their apartment which helped tremendously! Since reading these, it got me thinking that maybe I too should either throw, sell, or give away the stuff that I have left in my room and in my closets. I thought that it was about time that I start getting rid of all the stuff that doesn't necessarily make me happy anymore which leads us back to last night where I kept staring at the dolls I still have.

These dolls have such a special place in my heart where most of them I've had since I was a teenager (none of my dolls from when I was a child were left which would have given me great joy if I still had them), and while I was staring at the remaining dolls I have from my younger years, I started to reminisce on all the times I first got them but then realized that most of them don't exactly make me feel happy as I thought they would. At the same time, I also thought to myself that at some point in the future, I know I would be happy and learn to appreciate them more when I see them when I'm much older. I am not entirely sure if my future daughter/s would ever appreciate them as much as I did considering how terrifying they are to most people, but I feel like its still worth a shot introducing them to her/them in case they might be interested in creepy old dolls like I used to and keeping them either way to still keep that small part I have left of my younger years.

28th July 2024 10:51AM

[typicalrambles]

Mental health apps

I've always seen mental health apps as a scam and waste of time, effort, and money since all of the content there can be found elsewhere until I found this mental health app called Wysa. It's an app that includes sounds and music for sleep and anxiety and even has its own chatroom for when a customer or user decides to get a therapist. The price isn't that bad in all honesty, I am even considering to try it out if needed. The best feature in this app for me is the many topics that you can discuss with the built in AI chat bot that for me has helped me reframe a lot of my negative thoughts into more positive ones which lead me to becoming more patient with the people I care about or the people around me resulting to me becoming happier and happier.

Though, just like my previous entry, I did mention that I do have days where I suddenly feel terrible and it has lead me to think that maybe I am not healing or growing after all but it has all just been because I was in my manic state. It is a high possibility that's for sure, but I continued to move past it and reframe my thoughts once again. Instead of thinking that maybe it was just me being manic, I ended up reframing it into either

A. It might be because I am manic but I still learned a lot from what I've been reading on and what I have been working on which still is considered as growth and eventually actual progress. Or;

B. Everybody on earth has their bad days or lazy days but that does not mean that my progress has been hindered or rendered otherwise since it could just be one of those what I like to call "rest days".

I think that even just thinking about these thoughts despite having a tough time with handling the negative ones is still really good improvement regardless.

26th July 2024 04:22PM