tyromonium

[tyromonium]

Hey there

Im still struggling with thoughts of you, not because I miss you, hell no. I recently discovered I have proper PTSD from our relationship. The way you manipulated me, gaslit me, never allowed me to share my feelings and then got angry with me because I never shared them. But the thing that has impacted me the most is how you never wanted to hear "no" which lead to situations where when we'd meet for the first time, you made me feel terrible about not being sure about having sex already. So I just went along with it to avoid you getting angry or sad.The same when I was in Brighton with you, terribly ill and felt horrible, I told you I was really tired and didn't have energy, you continued. If I would say that I am a sexual assault victim, would you even think it would be because of you? I spent most of my life not feeling connected to people and feeling so incredibly lonely. Then you changed that, you were the one person I really felt connected to. Yet it was always me being there for you, never once, did you really WANT to be there for me. Fucking hell, when my mom got cancer, somehow I had to console you??? There was never any space for me or my problems. You either got angry with me for sharing them, you started crying because you would blame yourself or you'd just say it was bad timing. Never did it feel safe for me to share my problems. So I started hiding them, at first for you, but eventually for myself too. This al got hidden along with my feelings. So when I say that the day before I broke up with you, I didn't know that 24h later, I would. Thatd be true. It was only until the realization that "Oh shit, I do not want to feel this trapped and claustrophobic for the upcoming week with this person." So I broke up the following morning and wanted you gone. The feelings I hid, finally surfaced. And it was the feeling of being trapped for months. So emotionally trapped. A few months after we broke up we got into contact again, I thought I missed you, looking back, that's not really true. I missed feeling loved, and mostly, I missed feeling connection. But god knows, I did not miss you, or your selfish ways. Never once, wanting to think about my problems. Which showed beautifully when we started talking again and I said I wasnt doing well, at all. And your response? "Your problems are too exhausting for ME, so we need distance, lets talk once a month."Never heard from you since, not at the end of the month, not during the summer holiday when I got put into a mental institution because I was too much of a danger to myself, not when I got put onto meds again, not when I did half my school year because everything became too exhausting, not when I started a bunch of different therapies again, not when I needed someone the most. You abandoned me. The moment I stopped having room to try and "solve" your problems, as you always so angrily said, you dissapeared. You always said you were there for me, thats fucking bullshit, but I sometimes fear that you really believe it. That you're this lovely caring person who doesnt manipulate the people around them, and who is never able to be held accountable for their actions. Yes, you had a rough life, and there were a lot of things you'd not have been able to change, but fucking hell, learn how to handle yourself, as you just make everyone around you responsible for you and your problems, except yourself. Stop blaming your past for how you act. You're always accountable for your own behavior, stop playing the victim and grow up.

You abused me. You raped me. You left me for dead. I hope you realize that.

Tbh I just wanted to say this, maybe yelling it into the void, but I guess the chance that you can see this and hopefully change for the better and to prevent you not listening to "no" with more people. Do not see this as an excuse to reach out, I want nothing to do with you. Ever.