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[tyyyyyyla]

[tyyyyyyla]

ok universe, i’m ready to feel good things. make me feel good things.

[tyyyyyyla]

Phases

[tyyyyyyla]

i lay on his bed. he kisses my forehead, my nose, my lips, my cheek, my neck. he leaves love bites on my collarbone and down my rib cage. our tongues intertwine and our lips lock. i feel the weight of his body on top of mine. his hands are gentle and his kisses are intense. we fall into each other over and over. i feel his hands everywhere, his fingers between my thighs. i begin to melt. he's in control and i begin to float away.

intimacy 

[tyyyyyyla]

The first time we kissed, we had been laying in bed for hours, we’d gone out for dinner that night and I had nowhere to stay. I’d helped him change all the bedding and blankets earlier and we’d climbed into the new blankets and wrapped ourselves around each other. He told me about how he wanted to kiss me, I told him he’d be my first. We were face to face, our noses touching, him laying on his back and me on his chest. We were so close our lips would touch everytime we spoke, but still I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Everytime id stop, he would laugh, ask if I was okay, and try to move closer. I smiled, moved my head less than an inch, and pressed my lips onto his. It was strange. You’d expect kisses to be fireworks and explosions but really they’re feelings of warmth and nervous breathing. The next day we laughed about it, and agreed we’d have to work on it a lot more, both happy that we had so much time to improve. The second time we kissed, it was morning. We’d walked for hours the day before, my skin was burning from the sun, he came and woke me up in the morning. We were talking about the movie we’d watched the night before, the breakfast club. He told me I was a tease like Claire. He told me I would look at his lips, move my face close to his, give him “the look”, and then, at the last moment, move away. He told me it was driving him crazy. I put on my best impersonation of Claire, but before I could finish he pulled me into him. This time we knew what we were doing. His kiss was soft, I could feel the smile growing on his lips. He stopped, smiled, rolled over so I was on my back and he was looking over me. He caught me off guard, pressing his lips against mine with much more force, his breathing was quick and I could feel his heart beating fast against my chest. Eventually we stopped, made our way into the kitchen and I helped him make cookies for the first time in his life, while I was dizzy with a feeling of euphoria. The third time we kissed, it was well after 1am. We’d just been at the park stargazing, laying on the playground bridge, only going back because our bodies wrapped around each other under the blanket was no longer enough to save us from the cool night air. We were on his bed, he kept placing more and more blankets over me, I would push them off and move closer to him. I can’t quite remember how this one started. All I know was that I was on my back, he was laying over me, I could taste the mint from him having just brushed his teeth. I remember him stopping, looking at me and smiling before burying his face in my neck. He mumbled how he’d never felt this way about anyone and I could feel his breath on my collarbone. I was so overwhelmed by happiness and warmth, I rolled him over, he pulled me on top of him and our legs were intertwined and I was running my hands through his hair and he was holding my face, trying to pull me into him closer than I already was. I remember heavy breathing and a feeling of desperation and the need to take everything in possible about him, how this was nothing like his soft kisses which let me know I existed. This one proved that I was real and I was here in this exact moment and I was living and alive for a reason. This one wasn’t warm. This one felt like I was on fire, growing bigger, fuelled by his touch and the feeling of his hands in my hair and running down my spine. And then suddenly it stopped, as we had to break away to catch our breath. Mine was shaking so much he asked if I was okay. And I was okay, I was more than okay. I was in a sense of euphoria. I fell asleep that night to him playing with my hair and me telling him not to fall asleep so he wouldn’t get in trouble. I feel asleep to the thought of his smile and the feeling that everything in that exact moment was how it was supposed to be.

1/1/17

[tyyyyyyla]

[tyyyyyyla]

[tyyyyyyla]

You don't know it but I didn't really sleep at all that night. I'd never be able to sleep when I was that close to you anyway. I wanted to see what you would do if you thought I was totally unaware. First, you shifted so that we were laying with only our heads touching and our hands precariously close. I remember it was that moment that woke me up and I knew I wasn't going to be able to fall asleep with so much curiosity. I tested you by moving away a few times, and like I thought, not straight away, but carefully, you would move closer to me. Finally I turned over so we would be face to face. I did my best to act asleep and I'm pretty sure I had you convinced. I could feel your eyes on me in the darkness when suddenly I felt your hand touch mine. You sat there for awhile, gently caressing my hand, but only softly, as not to wake me. When you built up the confidence, you started to play with my hair, slowly running your hand through it and twisting it around your fingers. I started to feel so immensely calm, I had almost fallen asleep even, when suddenly you placed your hand on my cheek. Ever so softly, you caressed my cheek and I wanted so badly to know what you were thinking, but didn't want to ruin the moment by letting you know I was awake. I must have fallen asleep at one point because I remember waking up and you were standing over me, placing a blanket over me with such care and softness you almost jumped when you realised you had woke me. I couldn't help but stare at you, your silhouette dark against the bright pink and yellow of the new sunrise outside your window. You told me your parents would be up soon, so you had to move. I remember feeling nothing but warmth as I fell asleep wrapped in your blanket, staring out at the sunrise, which was now turning sapphire and lavender. I was happy. I was calm. I was safe.

4/11/16 the night in your lounge

[tyyyyyyla]

Floating in nothing but purples and blues. Just floating in colours. Surrounded by purple and blue sometimes mixed sometimes solid colour, deep feelings of sadness in the blues and intense feelings of love in the purple. More purple than blue. Mostly purple towards the end.

A dream I had??? 2/3/17

[tyyyyyyla]

I remember the bracelet he wore. The bracelet that was yellow and black. The bracelet that was only a small string but represented someone who'd prevented you from loving since primary. Someone who was always holding you back, who led you to hurt someone who loved you. The reason you had broke down and cried on my bed that night at my house because you didn't want to think about anymore. I remember when that spark between us began, that curiosity, after you'd told me about how much she'd affected your relationships and lovers since you're first day of school, that bracelet was all I could focus on. Then I remember the night, that second cold November night we spent far away from home, with our group of friends, after the first night where you had crossed the line of "just friends" by holding me as we slept. We had snuck out of the camp with our friends and went to the playground in the earliest hours of the morning. That night we spent hours expressing our feelings, after our friends had left and the stars were the only company we had, the rain would occasionally visit and the wind pulled us together. We sat on that playground and I remember you asking me the same thing over and over. "What do you want" "what do you want this to be" "this is so different from anything I've ever felt". All I could focus on was the bracelet. I remember working up the courage to ask about her. And I remember you looking me dead in the eye. I was so lost in your eyes and what you said. "I've realised that I've created a false image of her in my head, almost idolised this imaginary person, and now that I've noticed, it's no longer real, it's no longer important, but you are, you're so important." I remember looking down and seeing you'd untied the string and taken it off. And the intense relief, I saw you relax, and I truly believed you were over it, it was part of the past. We finally walked back to the camp and crawled into our tent. The next morning the decision was made, we had decided to be more than friends, I remember running to you and telling you right before I left to go home. It was so quick and I was so scared and that was the beginning of how I fell in love.

26/11/16 the second night at himitangi

[tyyyyyyla]

After nearly 20 minutes of convincing, hiding behind the comfort of your blanket, you told me that you didn't want me to think you were using me. That made me sit straight up. I didn't reply straight away, as I wanted to word my next few sentences correctly. "I don't think you are, are you?" I could feel your eyes on me, and eventually I turned to face you. "No I'm not, and because of everything that ****** did and everything I don't want you to feel like that or feel confused." "But I am confused." "About what." "I don't know but I am." "Yea I know." I sat there with my eyes closed, trying to make sense of the situation. When I opened my eyes I saw yours looking at me and dart away as soon as I noticed. You laughed a little, then moaned and turned over. "What are we" I didn't know how to reply, this was the question I had been dying to ask you, but when you asked me I had no idea how to respond. So I told you this. "I wish things could just be easier" "I know, me too" We sat there for a while, you looking out the window, and me looking at you. Eventually you looked at me and smiled "I just want to hug you." I sat up, rearranged my hair, and laid on your shoulder. You rested your head on mine and we sat like that for a while. "I really like you" "Well, God, I really like you too, but I really have no idea what's going on." "Why does this have to be so confusing" I felt so warm, so secure and I wasn't really nervous at all. "Are you okay, I mean in general" "Oh, yea, I think so" Eventually you rolled over, wrapping your arm around me and pulling me closer into you. I can't remember how long we sat like that for, but it wasn't until my mum called that we broke apart. I had to go, so I got all my things and went to the door. "I don't want you to go." "I don't want to go, I'm sorry" So I gave you a hug and despite my height I still had to stand on my tip toes to rest my head on your shoulder and you wrapped your arms around my waist and pulled me into you and held me so tightly. I was the one who had to break us apart, only because I knew my mum was waiting. You looked so sad as I was leaving and I wanted so badly to stay. "Well, we'll sort this all out another time." "Are you okay" "Yea, I'll be alright." "Okay well I really do have to go but thank you for everything, it was all really nice." "Yea well, I'm not very good at goodbyes, but I'll see you later"

11/11/16 the morning after the first night I stayed alone at your house