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Understanding Clinical Depression: Case Study Of Myself

I'm writing this for many reasons, but mainly because people rarely understand what Clinical Depression is, or what my particular form of Clinical Depression is like.

First I’ll describe Clinical Depression as briefly as I can. After that, I’ll describe my particular type of Clinical Depression.

Clinical Depression:

~ Is NOT simply “feeling sad”, as people constantly misuse the term – most of whom have never experienced clinical depression. In many forms of Clinical Depression, individuals a) don't feel sad, but b) have symptoms including inability to eat, sleep, move physically (AKA psychomotor retardation), socialize, recreate, take care of their health, or do constructive activity (including working for money).

~ Can also include insomnia of various kinds; hypersomnia; no motivation or willpower to do anything whatsover; inability to enjoy anything (including food or entertainment); inability to think, reason, or concentrate, to various degrees; loss of interest in life, to various degrees – mild to total; suicidal ideation; suicidal tendencies; and suicide attempts.  

~ Is DEFINED by not being able to function adequately – not being able to work for money, work on chores or errands, socialize, or take care of one's health adequately. If you can do all these things, but feel “down” or “sad”, it's NOT Clinical Depression, and is totally normal.

~ Is statistically proven to be the #1 reason / precursor to suicide.

~ Medications may or may not help, but usually does, to some degree – once people find the right medication for them – which could take days, months, or years

~ Is almost always helped, to varying degrees, by cognitive-behavioral therapy. Cognitive therapy deals with changing a person's cognitions; behavioral therapy deals with changing a person's actions. There are hundreds of proven techniques that work for clinical depression for each type, and they're almost always used in conjunction, leading to the term Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (AKA CBT).

~ Is almost always helped by physical exercise.

~ May be totally physical & unrelated to one's situation/environment, or totally dependent on such, or (usually) is some mixture.  

My particular form of clinical depression:

~ Is purely situational / environment-based. This has been proven countless times. In an adequate safe/sane/stable living environment, with access to medications and therapy and exercise, adequate housing, adequate health food, and adequate income to afford my basic needs, I have NEVER been clinically depressed. I'll have “down days” and “bad days”, but I can deal with those and keep functioning, working, taking care of my health, socializing, enjoying recreation, doing chores and errands, eating, sleeping, etc. And: Whenever I’ve been clinically depressed, it has ONLY been after severe, prolonged lack of one of those needs.

~ Began occurring regularly in 1998 – 21 years ago. Before 1998, I suffered Clinical Depression only rarely, only a few times, and was able to recover because I was able to get my basic needs met, one way or another, and get back to working or studying full-time.  

~ Since 1998, I have been in depressive states about as often as non-depressive states. The difference has been whether I'm getting my needs met.

~ Is a component of a vicious cycle that I've been struggling against for 21 years: If I don't have my needs met for months in a row, severe Clinical Depression results – which then results in not being able to work for money adequately – which results in not being able to afford adequate housing or healthcare or health food or medications, and also results in not being able to exercise or socialize – which reinforces the depression, completing the cycle.

~ Is a component of my legal diagnosis as being “Bipolar Type I” AKA “Manic Depressive” – which was also purely situational: I would get manic episodes or depressive episodes whenever I couldn't get my needs met for a prolonged theory of time. (Currently, and for many years, I have not gotten in any manic episodes, though, because of 2 mood-stabilizing medications that work on such, but do not keep Clinical Depression from happening.)

~ Is virtually guaranteed to continue as long as I'm unable to get more than $850/month income (from Disability Insurance), which is a few hundred dollars less per month than I realistically need to satisfy my basic needs, especially basic housing. The simple truth is that I do not get enough of an income to live a sane, stable, healthy life on, especially when homeless (which happens on a regular basis, because I don't have the money for a decent place to live). The best housing I can afford on this income would be a small room with strangers in Tucson, where living expenses are lower than practically anywhere else in the US. I could actually get an adequate room, with tolerable roommates, for about $400/month. However, finding roommates who are tolerable or even sane is an extremely difficult, time-consuming, and wildly uncertain process. People who present themselves as nice, friendly, and tolerable often turn out to be one or more of the following: unreasoanable, irrational, drug addicts, drug dealers, criminals, deranged, depraved, thieves, liars, lunatics, or they just can’t tolerate me for very long for whatever reasons. I have had around 26 roommates over the decades, and only about 20% of them have been tolerable or better; while every one of them seemed reasonable and friendly on the surface. Also: most roommate situations involve young college students who do not want to live with someone who isn't also a young college student. And then there are too many other difficulties to mention – such as those who don't want to live with someone “Bipolar” or depressed.

~ While in Clinical Depression, I cannot exercise or take adequate care of my health, or afford therapy or health food, and so my mental, physical, and physiological health continually deteriorate. This is one reason why people diagnosed as Bipolar I or Chronic Depressive typically die 20 years early, on average, according to the statistics.

The main basic need I have that I have extreme difficulty in getting met is that of adequate housing. The current plan to get this met is to get a room in Tucson with people that I've thoroughly screened. But I've done this before, and the chance of failure is enormous. I think that, with weeks of constant effort, my chance of finding a tolerable roommate is about 50%, at the very best.

I once had a tiny run-down studio apartment in Tucson for $400/month that worked out adequately 15 years ago, and I was not depressed at all during this time. However, a) that studio would cost about $500/month now, and b) was far from the city center, which was a problem even when I had a car, but would be an enormous problem without a car. (The reason I left that apartment was because all my friends had moved to Seattle, and I wanted to live with them – which I did – which didn't work out, because almost no one likes living too close to anyone else for very long, and the situation just gets increasingly difficult and stressful as people get on each other's nerves).

Was considering moving back to Luke's, but this looks unlikely, as he won't write me back.

Am also considering bike camping / touring at free campgrounds throughout CA (there are hundreds of them), though this looks very difficult, too stressful and harsh, and likely to result in clinical depression as I'd effectively be homeless, alone, and without a therapist or even a pet. It would also be somewhat dangerous at night, possibly lethal, in unfamiliar campgrounds or Slab City part of the time. But this would make the most sense economically, as my SSDI would go up to $1050/month or so for being a) homeless & b) in California; while I'd have zero rent, and could get most of my food from food banks, so I'd have about $500/month left over for saving up for a van or minivan or motorhome to live out of.

The core problem is that SSDI simply doesn’t pay enough for me to live on.

The final solution to the resulting predicament I’m in, and a permanent end to the vicious cycle I’m in, can only happen if I have a good, safe, healthy housing option that is guaranteed to work out AND that I can definitely afford with just SSDI (because I cannot rely on my ability to hold a full-time job right now).

Since getting affordable housing has proven next to impossible, my plan is to save up for a van, minivan, or motorhome, then to live at free campgrounds, which is something I could definitely tolerate, and I’d be able to work on web design & political projects & writings with my laptop tethered to my cell phone from virtually anywhere.  And free rent, most food coming from food banks, and getting the maximum SSDI of $1050/month, I’d be able to save $500-$550/month for emergencies, repairs, health problems, and a better life in general.