ultraharke - Tumblr blog

[ultraharke]

“How do people know that you’re gay?”

[ultraharke]

keep in mind

the double-edged sword cuts both ways, but the hundred-edged swordball cuts the shit out of everything

[ultraharke]

People are replicating the feeling of a Bethesda game IRL so well that I’m scared someone’s going to get caught clipped through the floor

[ultraharke]

bean, you filthy liar, you call them things like “pluge” and “bepis” 

reblog if you say soda

like if you’re a heathen and say pop

[ultraharke]

So I decided to do a cover of I write sins not tragedies using only my voice and the sound of me hitting my computer

[ultraharke]

life is difficult.

life is short, hard, unfinished, and then we die.  

but in an attempt to keep myself from fading -- even to my own eyes -- as i age, i’m going to stop leaving this tumblr thing as just a dead inactive waste of a url and start putting things here.

the things will not be interesting, most likely.  they will be embarrassing, and awkward, and personal.  

but they will be mine.

[ultraharke]

just an ordinary average day drinking milk

[ultraharke]

becoming a rock: initial assessment

Kinda sucks actually but then again all I did was cover myself in gravel and lie down. It's fairly uncomfortable. going to revise initial plan. Will provide further information as tests proceed.

[ultraharke]

pulsating oozing machines filled with fluid

WASH YOUR OILY FUCKING FACE BEFORE RUBBING IT AGAINST A WINDOW NOW I CANT SEE BECAUSE OF THE NASTY-ASS RESIDUE FUCK BEING MADE OF OOZE AND FLESH I AM QUITTING LIFE TO BECOME A ROCK

[ultraharke]

Incidentally, an announcement.

Today is the day of St. Valentine.  Saint Valentine, as we all know, was born with a chronic condition -- namely, of course, a crippling lack of mustaches.

However, he rose through the ranks of the smooth-skinned, becoming one of the most powerful men in the nation of Gibsonia -- and God rewarded his devotion and spirit with a goddamn motherfucking beard.

Valentine is the patron saint of brilliant facial hair.  Don't believe me?  Google is like two clicks away.  Google "Valentine Beard."

[ultraharke]

Snow flies upward.

I look outside my window and watch the dust-like snow just.. lift off from the banks where it's been neatly shovelled, and call bullshit. 

"Bullshit," I call.

No fucking way snow can just... take off and give me a metaphorical middle fing -- 

Oh it's giving me a literal one now.  The snow's formed into the shape of a fist with middle finger extended.

"Bullshit," I call again.

[ultraharke]

[ultraharke]

it's too late.

The end has begun. The Hunger had been unusually quiet for some time and I thought I could control it. But my hubris won, in the end. I ate my computer. Upon realizing what I'd done I fell to my knees, sobbing, crying to the heavens. "Why have you forsaken me," I cried. "Why, god? I'm almost out of things to feel upset about! I have so many YouTube comments to read!"

[ultraharke]

And So It Re-Begins

It took me six tries to type "Begins."

"Beggnis" Nope.

"Bregins" Wait I know how to do this.

"Beggs" Hang on, didn't I pretty much just try this?

"Boxes" 

"Bigns"  NO

"Nigbs" ARE YOU EVEN TRYING

...for example.

ANYWAY.

It's twelve-thirty at my grandmother's house (it's been that time for a few hours, I'm visiting family, the clocks don't move) and I'm typing this on a Mac so old my grandmother got it when she acquired her Epix email address.

If you don't know what that is, you missed out, you're too young.

SO

The fucking grandfather clock here keeps clicking, the last time I heard it chime was at seven o'clock and that was days ago.  I don't know what I'm doing; I was supposed to leave Friday morning, but it's been Thangskiving for four days now.

Time has crawled to a stop.  Spelling is abandoning me.  Grammar mocks me, like one would a small child that just dropped its ice-cream.  

I shaved my face before leaving and I have four days' beard-hair on it now.  What do I do?

I can't think.  I can barely breathe (but that's unrelated, that's because I ate like half a pie at dinner).  I 

I don't

I can't

[ultraharke]

Danny Deviant and Bob Babydropper, Episode IV: A New Hope

on their way home from the place of sins and souts, olive garden, danny deviant and his best bro bob babydropper turned to each other.

"i'm never calling you my best bro," danny deviant said.

"why not," bob babydropper asked.

"because consonance can kill," danny deviant replied, before opening his eyes wide as he realized what he'd done.

"nooo!" he cried as his eyes rolled back, whimpering as he felt a sharp pang in his left arm.

"dude, take a chill pill" were the last words danny deviant ever heard.

[ultraharke]

have you ever seen pee-wee herman's big adventure

there's this scene where he survives being executed by a bunch of bikers because his last request is dancing to the macarena

while wearing giant heels

and at one part he starts smashing everything while shouting 'BREAKDANCE'

just thought you'd like to know

What if instead of breakdancing we fixdanced