umerem

[umerem]

If there is anything you learn from a BOY, take it with a grain of salt. If it won't matter in 3 days, it shouldn't be within your mind for any longer than that. It's ok to cry, but don't let it take over you. If he doesn't care to help you, to help fix THIS... Then don't stay.

[umerem]

A boy should not be disturbing your peace.

A boy should not be disturbing your peace.

A boy should not be disturbing your peace.

A boy should not be disturbing your peace.

And I'll say it again for all the girls that need this, he should not bring you tears if you know he does not care for you. Don't let it happen, not over anything dumb. Nothing upsets me more than someone so utterly useless. This has to be a sign. It has to be. IT HAS TO BE. Because if you say nothing, nor will he. Watch you guys never speak again. Never again. Never again, and never again. If he becomes a source to break you, do not stay. LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE. Pray with your damn god if you have too! A man should not be the source of your happiness, that is up to you. Do not let him break that, his presence is temporary in your life. Do not make your mind suffer by it.

[umerem]

You will meet a man; meet a woman. Whom at first glance may spark something in your mind, or peek your interest. But, what may become of it?

They may understand you, deeply resonate with you, or bring out a side of you that you may have not even known you had. Now, is there good to be had in that? Well of course, but there is also bad. Finding someone so unique to you; someone so different from the rest. It changes your outlook. Not only on them but for everything else as well. You think of them as one of a kind. Someone you don't want to lose. Not just, another person in our cursed world. There is much to be found in someone like this. But that feeling consumes you. Makes you say things you wouldn't think would come out of your mouth. Do things you would normally think twice about. While there is so much beauty to be found in change; do remember who you once were. Before this person altered your state of mind. Before you became someone you don't know. Before you do something, you truly regret. You will come to regret many things in a lifetime, but If you are someone who knows very well the affects of one another... Then you will know what is worth remembering, to what is not. Know your peace and acknowledge what comes at it. If you let people in, then that's all I can ever say about it. But do remember, you choose who you let in your life. You choose what they do to you. You choose when they must leave your space.

Your peace should never be up to them... It's your life, not theirs

[umerem]

Just closed out my first journal today, all pages filled with my peace, my sorrow, and my love. Forever loving these stages of my life. Thank you ❤️.

[umerem]

Current state of mind:

I can confidently say I am content with my state of mind at this very moment, or maybe these past few weeks. I feel loved, and my life is not crashing down on me, I am really just having a good time. Haven't been journaling as much, just little things and maybe that's a good sign? Not to say I associate journaling with bad things that happen, but that may be true. I just journal as needed (By how strong I feel). I am happy in a way I didn't think I would be. I am loved to a point where it is not overwhelming and drowning. He has eyes for me, as I do with him. We are at a state where we are well aware of the boundary and do not cross it. I am happy with this. There is no commitment to be made as of now, I hope it will stay this way. But I know it won't, so I'll enjoy it for this time. I shall hold this peace and comfort with me until it passes, and accept whatever comes to me.

For March, it has been a good month for me. Last March was good in its own way, I expected bad memories to come flooding back. But I was wrong, so I thank the universe on this.

[umerem]

Back at it again, with another banga!!

[umerem]

Happy new year! I hope 2025 will be a good year for us. I feel like I am so future stricken at the beginning of every year. Like I want to start new things, and prepare even more than usual for my future.

One thing I've been doing for a few years now is searching for names for my future children. I've discovered many, a lot of which I like a lot. And of course I care about the meaning of names, but some I just don't really resonate with. I'd rather come up with my own meaning. I am not a religious person either, not to say my children cannot be religious. But I would rather their name not lean in, or have a meaning related to anything of the sort; so their name isn't bound to that meaning. As I wouldn't want it that way. If they don't like it, they'll change it. I have a few names I really like. Here's a few; and for some, the way I would like them pronounced. They are also listed from best or most liked to least liked.

Girl:

Hana (hah - nah)

Lyn

Lila (lie - luh)

Madeline (mad - el - line)

Maybelline

Natasha

Crina

Elizabeth / Liz

Amalee (ah - muh - lee)

Boy:

Anton

Simon

Anthony

Will

Marc / Mark

Alin ( al - lin)

I also have a few middle names which could go either gender, but maybe more for girls.

Middle Names:

Adut

Eva

Mihai

[umerem]

You know what's so weird. 2023, I was crushing over a guy in October. I knew I would get in time. I got him in March. And left him in October, 2024. October, 2024 I started gaining interest in a new guy. I know I'll have him in 2025, I just need time.

But it's so weird. It's like a cycle. I go into the new year with someone different from before. I can't last a year with one guy. If you get what I mean. I hope this one is different though.

[umerem]

I am really struggling. I want to be with him very badly. You could say I'm obsessed if you've seen me. He is so cute and gentle and I'm sure he's so sweet. I want it to be just us, very cute and loving. And we can just have fun together. That would be great. I also don't want to rush him though. That wouldn't be good at all. I wish we talked more and spoke more and did so much more together but we do nothing. I can only admire him from afar. It's so sad. I hope he is ok. I understand that he is shy but even the littlest thing he could do is ok. Anything. Anyway, I will manifest because that is what I do.

[umerem]

Recently, I parted ways with someone I was 'talking' too. Iykyk.

When I first met him, he looked like a very chill guy. Nothing obnoxious, or weird about him. Just an average guy. I wasn't initially interested at all, and at the time I was with an ex (even though we were on the brink of breaking up). I already had my eyes on someone else as I could feel the break up was coming. It happened so randomly though. He texted me in the morning asking if I wanted to go get hot chocolate in the morning before class. I would usually go by myself sometimes, but I hadn't gone with a guy before. At this point, it had been a week or two since I broke up with my ex. I was a free woman now. I can do whatever now, right?

And I'm sure you can guess where this leads too. We went out many times together after that. We would talk some as we walked together, but it was very casual. Mostly just about class. No romantic gestures or suggestive acts really. It was ok for me though. I thought this would turn into something later, and it seemed like we were on the same wave length. Boy was I WRONG. This man was not big on texting. He texted when he needed something. The only time we had proper conversations was in person, while we walked together. And that was maybe 15 minutes max? We did not even talk the entire time either? I never really saw him otherwise. We were just casual friends in class and we didn't even sit together there. And so when he asked for my number, I was expecting us to be texting a lot. And can you blame me? Like I was ready to open up to him and get to know him. But all my efforts were in vain. I call him the 'nonchalant texter'.

Everything was bare minimum. I would see him in class at 7 am. We had both been up since 6. No good morning text unless we were going out, and that wasn't everyday. No text until lunch block, not even during passing periods to check on me. No text after school, even after I finished practice. Radio silence. I would only get a good night text unless we were talking about something late. Which was like never. We never even talked about anything. Anything he mentioned he was interested in, I would have to milk the shit out of to make him talk to me? Like is that not insane? And I BARELY knew anything about him at that. But it's not just that. It's that he never made the effort to get to know me either. It bothered me a lot that we barely texted, because I knew I wouldn't get to see him a lot.

For him though, that was ok. I addressed this behavior with him. I blatantly told him to text me more often. I said that I was waiting for his notification. He apologized and said ok. This happened again. And he apologized again. I noticed that nothing was changing. I was still the one that wanted more. But for him, I was just a pass time. I judged based on his bold actions, that he wanted the same things as I did. To further this relationship. But my judgement was wrong. He was simply not that interested. I bothered to voice my opinions, to tell him that I wanted something to change. That I did not like this nonchalant act, when I knew damn well he does not always like this. In my eyes, he was a man that could most definitely tell me what he wanted. He was no chicken. But you can't just give me 50% and expect that to be enough. I will always love a bold man, but that needs to be kept up or else I am gone.

I hope you understand what I have gotten at here, so here is the lesson in this. I did infact leave this man. I told him straight up that since he cannot change due to that just being the type of person he is, I will walk away. He thought I was joking at first, fortunately for me I was serious. Fortunately for him, he accepted it and we haven't spoken since. Don't be afraid to leave a man who will not change for you. He does not value you as much as you do him. Maintain your standards, and move forward.

[umerem]

Often, I find myself missing the idea of a person and not actually them; themself. Like the comfort of having security within a loving relationship, and knowing you both adore each other. Or a fulfilling friendship where you know they will be there for you as you are for them. It is not the person themselves, but the way I felt when I was with them.

People will always change, no one stays exactly the same. And so you shouldn't hold onto a version of someone, and expect that version of them to set your expectation for as long as you know them. Maybe when they change, it won't be someone you like. But that is their growth. It is always up to you to decide whether to grow with them, or leave. You will only hurt yourself by staying with someone who you cannot agree with, because of who they have become.

For so long I have held onto versions of people when I loved them most. Then they become someone I don't know, that is different from the one I know in my mind, and it hurts me. It is either you cope, or you don't. You will often here people say that others are not the same as they were before. But isn't that a given? Whether their change is deemed good or bad is just plain judgement. Their growth is not in your hands. What's in your hands, is how you will move forward with or without them. It is never them you miss, it is the one of them that you have in your head, that you miss.