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#018
having a horrible period ive been shitting and feeling nauesous all day lmao
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#017
ive semi-disappeared. its good. but very surprising also. ive been learning a lot about myself and about my not-self.
first things first, i feel better now. no doubt. the internet is such a vile place filled with negativity. i feel so much lighter now. i used to be sad, depressed, anxious and angry all the time. sad because everyone online is negative. depressed because of the shit i see while doomscrolling. anxious because anything i say could be dug up at any moment to "cancel" me. angry because id read the shittiest takes. now im off of social media, the rate at which i feel these emotions has dropped dramatically.
apart from having less negative emotions, theres a lot of other things that have improved in my life also. but there are a also things ive started to struggle with. one thing is my identity.
ive sorta (?) realized this before, but now its really hit me. i had a very fabricated image/persona for myself on the internet. fabricated, not in the sense that it was entirely fake, but in the sense that it was something i very meticulously worked on. its hard to explain but im going to try.
for example; i made a couple of interests my personality and tried to match all my interests with each other. i wanted this cool image of myself. i wasnt faking my interests, i did genuinely like all of these things. but the problem is that i had trouble expressing myself in with interests that were deemed outside of the set boundaries of what is "me".
imagine seeing a biker. this biker has a very well-maintained image of liking Cool things like motorcycles, oil and skulls. and they like cats. now theres absolutely nothing wrong with liking cats, and it doesnt make you less cool as there are a lot of cool people who love cats. but this particular thing didnt fit in the "aesthetic" this biker created for themself. thus they cannot express this facet. its like putting a non-matching color in a cohesive color palette. does that sound logical? because i had something like that.
there are many parts of me i havent shown yet and really would wish i could. ive slowly been trying to show it more, but i always felt bad about it. i would go through my tweets to delete any tweets that werent part of my aesthetic. i was really obsessed with it. i would go through my own profile multiple times a day to make sure its completely curated and 100% me. i think thats a better word. i had a very curated image i constantly kept curating.
its something i see more often on the internet. people want a really curated image of themselves. like if youre goth, you can ONLY be goth. you cant suddenly go for a cottagecore look for a day. or share a non-goth song you like.
im glad im done with that now. but the problem that now arises is that im struggling with my identity. i used to know exactly what my identity was, as ive been curating it for 15 years. now i have no-one to show my curated identity to -> i dont have any incentive to curate -> stopped doing so -> lost it.
ive also lost some motivation of working on things. im off my social media, but the only drive for me to create stuff is the idea that ill upload it to some new persona one day. what am i doing. i can draw, but i start thinking "whats the point if i cant share it with anyone". i can game, but ill also thing "well whats the point if i cant...". and that with anything i do. im so dependent on external validation!!! i cant do anything if it isnt for the sake of sharing it with people and getting validation for it.
theres absolutely nothing wrong for seeking some degree of validation. but the way i need it feels maniacal. i barely do any hobbies anymore because theres "no point".
i despise this excessive need of validation. i hope its just withdrawal syptoms that go away with time. but if its not what then? how do i start doing things again?
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#016
i really want to disappear from the internet. im so tired. the negativity spiral is crazy. i try to distance myself from negative people, but very few people are left. either im lonely or im in a very draining space.... im not sure what to do.
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#015
its all "autism awareness" until we actually have to deal with someone with autism
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#013
everytime i come here i just feel like writing more and more. and thats good. it feels so freeing writing down my thoughts. when i write down my thoughts it feels like im letting go of some nagging feeling...
i think its the whole thing of keeping things unresolved. you know how thoughts stay in your brain and feel like the end of the world, until you finally vent to a person and you realize how stupid it all sounds once its out. i feel like writing this stuff, and publishing it, has the same effect on me.
publishing it is an important step that cannot be skipped. ive tried journalling in notebooks multiple times, but it just isnt the same. i need to have the feeling that someone listened to me. but i also want to keep this private. i dont want to put it out on social medias where all my friends can peer into my mind. but i also need the sense that someone has heard my thoughts and acknowledged them. now i dont think anyone will really look at my blog, so it might as well be a normal paper notebook nobody reads. but it works for my brain. thats all.
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#012
i dont think im fit for any kind of group really. i never really manage to fit in. most days i feel pathetic for not being able to bond with people and make/maintain friendships, but weirdly while im writing this i dont feel anything. its whatever. i give up (even though ive said that a million times before).
maybe its better if i just stick to being a lonewolf. its what i do best and where im the most comfortable. its fine if i do stuff mostly on my own, im already lucky i have a partner who wants to do things with me. and with them i dont feel all drained out.
its hard to find people i can connect with. i think the big problem is my range of interests. i have the kind of interests that mostly out-of-touch people are into. people who care very extremely about things that really dont matter. things that are plain stupid to be so vindictive about. theres too much toxicity. im tired of it. i dont want to hang out with people anymore. its too tiring
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#011
when you have stuff in your backlog where if you look at them, you start feeling dread... its probably better to just sell them off. no point in playing games you dont actually want to play. waste of time. if you end up wanting to play them anyway, buy them again or use other means..... starting to think more about how useless some of the stuff is that i do.
i dont think gaming is useless, thats my hobby. but i used to pay a lot of attention on the must-plays bc i didnt want to be left out in the current gaming conversations. but often times im just forcing myself through a game i dont like. its dumb.
mario bros wonder came in the mail a couple of days ago and im having such a blast. i seriously keep thinking to myself "wow... this game is just ... fun!" i cant believe i forgot games can JUST BE FUN.... thats how theyre supposed to be... ugh ill write more later
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#010
hi journal, double-post! sorry my heart feels a little heavy. its nothing serious but i would like to write it out so i hopefully feel lighter. i worked very hard on some contributions on a wiki, but im afraid it ended up making more work for others than that it helped out. it makes me feel bad. two people commented that my work had errors in it and someone else that they had to rework it quite a bit (reordering). i worked a lot of hours on it so i felt really bad. i put in all those hours and i still did a bad job apparently. i feel kind of ashamed.
im glad they told me bc i dont want to repeat mistakes, and i know they dont do it to embarrass me. but i still feel a little sad and embarrassed. maybe ill go cry it out a little later. its also a bit embarrassing when someone else comes on my page and sees how i messed up. i mean theres nothing really to be ashamed about, everyone makes mistakes. but yknow. being human just makes you worry about pointless things.
aahhh im embarrassed im embarrassed i feel bad. i shouldnt have put myself out there. but no i shouldve, bc i care deeply about the franchise and im grateful for the wiki maintainers. id love to help as much as i can. but being in public is scary. i know this is a little silly. i hope i can later go back to this post and think, cmon umi was it really that bad? and laugh at it. but for now i feel a little heavy.
its good that im putting myself out there.... to be around people. and i think these are steps into overcoming social anxiety. maybe i say sorry too much. some people find that annoying.... ive always said sorry too much. but maybe i want to say sorry, and maybe it makes me feel better! thats some kind of rebellion!! no i wont stop saying sorry! ha! take that!!!!
im rambling at this point hehe... sorry!! end of entry!
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#009
i need to get things out of my system, but i dont know what. my mind just feels so clouded. other than the cloudiness im doing very well though. work is good, and im trying new things. putting yourself out there is difficult but worth it. as long as i try my best i know ill never have to regret anything, because i couldnt have done anything more than my best.
right now im programming some games. i have some free time in my work hours bc theyre still looking for a second project for me. they said its ok if i work on hobby (programming) stuff in the mean time. but honestly im not always using that time. sorry. oh well its not like theyll gain that much from it anyway, i think they dont really care. which is great. they did say theyd like to see a small demo sometime for fun, but i dont know if they really meant that or if they said that just because. people say things without really meaning them yknow. but i cant always catch onto when its meant or when its text flavoring. so who knows.
anyway, thats why im working on it now. id like it to be more polished and have more content in it. i do genuinely want to work on it more, and it would give me some peace of mind when its all nice and done. ill get back to it right now. ciao
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#008
i need to use this blog more often. i made this blog so i had a place to write out my feelings in a private space, instead of embarrassing myself by putting all this out on twitter for everyone to see. i do it too often. i look like and feel like an idiot lol
anyway, there was a nintendo direct a short while ago. the main highlight was the another code double remake. im really excited about it. i never imagined hearing from cing again, seeing one of their works coming back is so exciting. the trailer looks beautiful. i cant wait to hear more about the studio that worked on it, bc the direct and additional material has not shared much on that aspect. i do know that the original artist has worked on the title. so that sounds promising.
i was thinking about it again and out of excitement i looked up the hashtag on twitter and it immediately soured my mood. some guy was complaining about how you cant see ashleys mid-riff in her new design.... dude. he said he wasnt going to play the game purely bc of that fact. dude im strangling you as we speak.
i know its useless to get mad about people like this. but still i am so im writing about it so i can get it out of my system asap. theres a lot of these "anti-censorship" gamers, but theyre not really anti-censorship. they only care when female characters receive redesigns where they reveal less skin, bc theyll have less material to jack off to. they dont care about actual censorship, for example scrapped dialogue on ethical problems.
its only censorship when something they like is being removed. when something they dislike is removed, it is in fact applauded. these people know no principles. if they just stated they were pro-sexualization, then fucking fine. whatever. but the way they pretend to be heroes for being anti-censorship just annoys the hell out of me. just say it how it is.
sigh. its extra eyebrow-raising bc ashley is a very obvious 14 year old. getting mad and wanting to cancel the game for not seeing 2 cm of her stomach is just plain weird.
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#007
whenever i do anything remotely feminine, i get unnecessarily excited about it. to be clear, i was born a girl and had to live my life as a girl. so nothing like "people like you (boys) should not be enjoying these things" was stopping me.
the problem was that i had a lot of interests that were considered as masculine interests. stuff like computers, video games, western comics and the like. i had a lot of instances of not being taken seriously, only for the reason that im a girl. i think because of that, ive started to distance myself from anything feminine. for a major chunk of my life, ive put myself in the world as a boy wherever possible (mostly online, in real life its hard to hide the way i look).
a part of being a wannabe-boy, is not being able to enjoy certain topics. i would pretend i didnt like girl things like the color pink, or reading romance novels. i would partake in them sometimes, but with a lot of shame and often i would try to hide it or dismiss it as an ironic interest.
the last couple of years though, since i started university, i tried to tap more into my feminine side. i do want to wear skirts and cute things. i do want to be seen as a girl... sometimes. gender is still difficult.
i think from an early age i already knew i was genderfluid. but the term sounds so stupid and unbelievable that id rather identify as something else. like agender. its easy to explain how gender is stupid and you dont want to partake in it. but when i say genderfluid, people will probably think im lying to seem interesting. but im serious. some days i feel like a boy, some days a girl, and some days neither. i wish i could make up my mind already. its annoying really.
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#006
i had a very nice day with some old friends, i havent seen them in ages
one of my friends talked about what they thought about me, and he told me im a person who a lot of people gravitate to. he said i was comfortable to be around and that talking to me feels like the last time you talked to me was yesterday
it made me really happy ♡
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#005
im playing final fantasy xvi! its um kinda nice, not sure how to call it
its nice that its an action rpg, its definitely not the best one around but its a nice change of pace. it could be more difficult for me to be honest. theres an option to make the game easier ("story mode"), but the "action focus" mode is already more than easy enough. it wouldve been nice if there were more difficulty levels.
its also missing a bit of customization. theres a skill tree but i dont feel like it does much. theres no jobs, you only have your main guy clive who you can level up. party members (including your dog) dont level up either. when you go into the menu, the only party member you can see stats from your dog. but theres no way to interact with it, its just there.
my biggest complaint is the story. its been 10 hours and were still talking about the same shit over and over again. then theres the big "plot-twist" you could see coming like 9 hours ago. i would like for the game to move on already. i may be at the point where that happens, but who knows, ive already had that thought a couple of times before.
theres also 0 chemistry between the characters. only cid has some spunk, but its more entertaining to see him talk with gav, a minor character, than with clive, the main character. jill joining the team felt like a breeze of fresh air, and a change of pace. but it became stale pretty fast. theres no connection between jill and clive except that they were childhood friends. jill also gives off the vibe that shes not super excited to be with clive. makes sense, bc theyve been separated for so long. but it also makes the situations a bit dreary.
then theres torgal, the dog character. for most of my time in the game, hes been 1/3rd of the party. which sucks bc torgal is just a dog and doesnt talk or anything. i dont know what it is with video games and dog companions but it isnt doing anything for me. i think they should stop putting dogs in games as major characters, when they dont have any character. or make them talk at the very least.
this all kind of sucks, bc the whole reason i play FF games is bc of the story and characters. FF15 sucked, but i still had fun playing the game bc i simply enjoyed seeing the bros being bros. doing their silly little bro things. but theres nothing of that here. or being in a fun magical environment like FF10 also does the trick.
this game however has no interesting characters and/or dynamics AND is situated in generic medieval fantasy slop.
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#004
im an aunt now. i still hate my brother. but im thinking about putting it all past me; for my nieces sake. but he doesnt deserve it and i dont want to see him. its funny, i have so much resentment towards him for how hes hurt me, but i doubt he ever thinks about me. i feel conflicted...
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