unabashedly-faulty

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I started a water color painting and it’s the place we will go to for rest. There’s a little bridge going over a stream and a cherry blossom tree of Frantic and all our parts with trauma. There’re blossoms on them signifying healing and softness despite the hardness we had to be. I can’t wait to look at it and take them there in my mind.

That is how we will contain. I actually have to draw places so my mind can see them versus imagining.

Time to get to know what looks like rest to us.

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I was extremely sad for how someone treated me, but then I remembered how kind I am to people, that's a reflection of me. How people treat me is a projection of their character, and not a reflection of my value. May I always remember that.

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I’m so put off with life.

Just annoyed.

I must make space for this facet of myself.

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I need time as a woman. Not a mother. Just a woman.

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allow yourself to have bad days. allow yourself to feel upset or hurt or angry or grumpy or pessimistic. those feelings will pass as all feelings do, and that day will pass too.

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All I see are people looking for ego strokes when they choose to give low vibrational unkind energy. Congratulations you’re doing so well validating yourself by being an asshole.

Translation: there is no one that makes me feel important or loved so I must come online and and feel like I’m valuable by asserting dominance I cannot normally attain outside of the internet. I need to feel good so let me go out someone down so I get my fill of dopamine.

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nobody tears through library books quite as fast as a 12 yr old girl with no friends

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Best grilled cheese I ever had. 🥹

Trauma anniversaries cycled through for the most part. I feel less heavy. Less raw. Less triggered in my mind. The crash at the end of the day is real. My cheeks haven’t felt sore from smiling in a while. It’s nice. I’m in my body. Finally enjoying myself.

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Don't compare your day 1 with someone else's day 100! ⋆ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

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Coming out of therapy like.

“I must learn more.”

Idk nothing mmaoooo.

But I know more than most. I missed this feeling.

Many things to do.

Create internal safe spaces for parts.

Commune with ancestors to help me let go of the thing that keeps identities here. To help me help them walk to rest. To meet their needs of justice.

Continue to learn and meditate.

Lock innnnnnnnn

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The delusion would be expecting to police an online space where people exist. And if they aren’t existing harmfully to others leave em be if you do not have any encouragement to offer. Save your defensive energy for those who seek to abuse those spaces. Then again I remind myself it’s an online space people choose who they’re gonna be. And some choose to be assholes. That’s it.

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There is nothing in this world that will jeopardize my ability to show up for my son and give him the best of me. Especially with the brain, nervous system and body that I have. If you can’t love yourself enough to not let people continuously disrespect and cause you pain it doesn’t matter how much I love you, I will let you go. I always explain to my friends, that it costs me much to love you. I do so at my own risk and I won’t do so more than once. It triggers me to the past when you continue to allow abuse which is lack of love into your life. If I am triggered that jeopardizes my ability to be present for my son. And no one is worth that. So please love yourself better because no matter how much I love you, I will let you go if you threaten my health and interrupt my presence in my child’s life. I love to much and too hard. I’ve done too much for friends and just thrown to the side. I have ptsd from saving friends from abuse like. Nobody that cares about you will have you in dangerous harmful situations. No one. If they do it is clear they do not care about themselves and in turn will never be able to do for you what it is you do for them. The only life I risk mine for is my child. So please. Love yourself better so I can continue to love you. I literally have flashbacks and nightmares because of the sheer abuse that surrounds my loved ones. It’s impedes on my ability to show up for my child and that’s not an option.

Lil C dreamt about her adolescent friends and how much she wasn’t even enjoyed. Just tolerated. At different points in highschool one of the group was closer to her than anyone else. Somehow she was a threat and then not. Always wondering why or what she did wrong. You did nothing wrong. You tried to mend bridges and be there for those girls while they were in pain. You knew what that felt like. No one did what you did for you. Now you do it for your son. And a few others who really hear you. Sorry that dream triggered us. You’re not going to hell. They don’t like you because you’re pure without reason. You do not move because of any diety. You move without someone giving you the guidelines. You love as purely as it flows. Trauma did split you into pieces but it also opened the doorway to seeing. Seeing a way through.

I walk through the valley of the shadow of death and I fear no evil.

That was a metaphor for walking through self and taking up arms in love fearlessly and wonderfully. That is what it felt like having DID and weathering the horrors in the psyche that comes from the level of stress on the brain. We are the conduit. No one else. When one gives their power away, it stunts their ability to truly heal and change. It’s is YOU. YOUR CHOICE that changes the trajectory of your existence. Let no one make you feel like you’re not worthy. You are IT.

I love you so much. I am so proud of the person you’ve become in the past and the present. It’s going to be okay my love.

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You never loved yourself. And now I understand why you never loved me. It wasn’t personal. You were just surviving, not loving. I forgive you for not choosing me. And I forgive myself for hoping you would.