unachicamas95-blog - Tumblr blog

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damn beautiful you got me feeling some type of way

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“He saw her before he saw anything else in the room.”

—

F. Scott Fitzgerald (via aureat)

when i first met you.

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10/1/14

all yours

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Its one of those nights...

I stay up all night crying, listening to sza and hating myself for so many reasons. Just a lot of thoughts racing thru my mind and Its hard for me to shape it so easily. I acknowledge that people grow up and change and it's totally normal but I can't sit hear and lie and say that sometimes I don't miss certain things about you and when I think about when we were younger everything seemed a lot more simple and just nice. I can't help but feeling like I'm way too attached and need to seperate myself from you.i feel pathetic af for how attached I've grown to you and how I've become more sensitive about things. I feel like I'm drowning because of the pathetic person I am. I get upset because u don't wanna makeout or because you don't wanna spend more time with me then what u had said. I guess sometimes I think I want to spend every waking minute with you but you don't after a certain time you've had enough and we part ways and I dk it's a shitty feeling like every guy is the same in that sense and I always thought you'd just be different. Like if u said oh I'll only be here for this mucj that eventually youd say you know what na I'm a stay a little longer wanna be with you and I'm aware of how pathetic that sounds. I think I need to do a better job of acknowledging that what I want or expect isn't the same between us and it's ok. Lately I feel as if I can't talk to you about how I feel because I think I sound roo negative or sad or pathetic and I have this notion that after a while you'll get sick of hearing my shit as often as you do. And I know u say you don't try to force me to not feel the way I do but because I always add a negative spin to things you just try to change tbat and it's not even that I'm trying to be negative irs just I wish you'd understand how I feel first then give me your spin. I feel neglected in a sense because I wanna be affectionate but I can't because either you're tired or donr want it to lead to anything else and it's a shit feeling because I feel so rejected and it sucks. I know you hate hearing about Gabriel but it kinda feels like the time when he was rejecting my affection and I kept asking myself what's wrong with me? Similar here except I blame myself bc when I see you getting frustrated with me because of how I am at times it's like how can i blame him for wanting to go home on time or for not wanting to makeout. I think I just need to separate myself from you and stop being so clingy because it isn't healthy.

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I have no one

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fucken shit man

I always tell myself to not get emotional to not care and just be strong but almost every night I end up in tears because of something and its frustrating. Sometimes I want to go back to my sleeping pills but i acknowledge that its probably not the best idea but I cant stress it enough that I felt so happy every night when id take them . I would fall asleep so in peace and not beat myself up over a lot of things but now every night I cry because of a certain insecurity and sometimes i think to myself im better off alone. Half of the time or should i say 80% of the time i deal with things alone. Thats just how ive been since i was young. I cant imagine living with someone and not  being able to cry by myself or have my moments were i talk to myself about things. The thought of living with someone isnt comforting but rather bothersome. I have a lot of breakdowns and im lucky that no one in my family knows unless i get an anxiety attack because of my fear but other than that no one really knows i break down almost every night. Oh well someday i have to learn to ignore my emotions until then let me fucken cry.

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tattoos -

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Insecurities

we all have them, right? sometimes i hate myself for having them because i feel as if i always use them as an excuse from doing things in my life that i should have done. I feel as if I need to learn to be more confident with myself and who i am and although it takes time i really need it to happen soon. Im about to be 21 years old and i just want to be completely happy with myself,

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hipster blog

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My Relationship

So basically my boyfriend has been a part of my life since I was a little kid and ever since then we have been inseparable and I guess thats a blessing however I feel as if at times its a dangerous thing. The first time he left me for college I was sad for weeks not because he was gone but because I felt like a huge piece of me wasnt with me anymore and I felt completely empty. I think its sad that I felt that way for so long when I’m my own individual. Sometimes I get afraid that I wont know what to do with myself or my life if I dont have him and that to me is so disappointing. Since when do i need a man to help me feel complete or happy ? The sad part is we arent even done with school yet so this isnt the only time that we will be apart and even though ive learned to adjust to it I dont know where we will be in a couple years and the fact that I depend on him for every aspect of my life is completely humiliating. I think whats worst is i cant even say im a good girlfriend. He does all the sweet talking and affection and im the plain boring girl. I feel bad sometimes and it takes me time to get adjusted. I hope one day I can live my life without feeling like i need him in order to be happy. 

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EDUCATION

such a beautiful yet stressful thing. All my life and my brothers life we have been pushed so hard to try our absolute best in school because its the only way that we can be successful however my parents do not realize how overwhelming it can be, but I also feel as if we have no reason to complain because our father did not even get a chance to finish high school however he was blessed with a great but in this day and age that isnt possible. Now one must have a strong educational background. I cant stress it enough how heartbroken I feel seeing my youngest brother struggling in school and its not because hes dumb or doesnt care but simply because he is forgetful and its difficult to change that trait about someone and my boyfriend is a perfect example. We just want my brother to not give up or be lazy like he has been but today we received more bad news he failed a quiz and hes already at a 42% he asked the teacher for extra credit and lucky us hes willing to give it to him however hes been lagging on it. Seeing my brother struggle worries me for his future simply because school just keeps getting more difficult. Its not that I dont think he will be successful im just afraid he might have an anxiety attack like today. I am also struggling in school and I cant afford to fuck up again because if I do ill be completely fucked. I need to not give up with my studies and push harder but sometimes i feel like my goals keep slipping from my hands and it makes me so scared. My other brother is more into some things in his life instead of school and sometimes thats scary for me. Right now he has a very good gpa however he hasnt studied for his SAT and he isnt very involved in clubs except for a varsity sport and he has a job so i guess that will look very good. I just hate how many expectations there are in this world and how difficult it is to reach every single one of them .Its not impossible just difficult and i guess i shouldnt complain when theres people out there that dont have the opportunity we have, I wish my mom wasnt as hard on my youngest brother but i guess its necessary and im not a parent so im no one to talk but it definitely breaks my heart seeing him so torn up.

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:(

I'm insecure and hurt about a lot of things and sometimes I wish I could just let it all go, but it's obviously not that easy. I wish I lived a more positive life because I'm sure there's alot of beauty in it but unfortunately I can't see it because my negativity takes over. I'm afraid to have kids because I'm afraid they'll end up just like me and trust me it's so depressing at times to be thinking negative all the time and I'd hate for my kids to be like that. I'm afraid to be a mol cause I never want them to find me randomly crying and when they ask me what's wrong for me to not have an answer because sometimes I just break down and cry over a million things. I'm afraid of so much and I acknowledge that it's not healthy. I just want to be a better person

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No, fuck you. I was good enough. But you made me believe I wasn’t.

(via cappadonnapapi)