uncannycello

[uncannycello]

No one warns you about 25.

I wasn’t warned about how my body will change and I’ll hate how I look. I’ve always been a big eater, but now everything sticks to you. One second of bliss on your lips for eternity on your hips. I went shopping for jeans and shorts the other day because not one pair I have in my closet fits anymore, come to find out I’m 3 sizes bigger than I was. That was nice.

I wasn’t warned about how you’ll start panicking about how quickly your life is flying by. I was looking through my pictures and started tearing up realizing I’m no longer young and carefree. No more the days of sleeping all day and hanging out with friends all night. They’re all married working on having kids now. No more being reckless and carefree because your actions have serious consequences now. I feel like I didn’t appreciate what I had and now it’s gone.

I wasn’t warned about all the loves I’ve had that didn’t work out for one reason or another that linger in the back of your mind no matter how much time has passed. Endless amounts of trying and putting myself out there just the be left high and dry. Always being left wondering, “Why am I never good enough?” These strangers out in the world with this deep knowledge of me, pretending as if we never knew each other. And I have to pretend to be okay with it.

No one warned about how the lack of parents really does effect you. I’m an adult now. Full blown adult, and all I really want is some sort of validation that I’m never going to be able to acquire from a couple of dead beat parents who say, “The best thing I ever did with my life was create you.” Feels like getting a participation trophy in a fucked up event I didn’t even want to attend in the first place. I see my friends call there parents with any mundane question that pops in their head and their parents are always so eager to answer. Must feel nice to have a solid family to always be able to lean on.

No one warned about all the regrets you’ll have. I think about everything I’ve done and everything I didn’t do. So many things I wish I would’ve said and would’ve done differently. There’s people who never knew how I felt because I was too scared to say anything. There’s people who I hurt because I was inconsiderate and careless. I wasted so much energy and effort on people who never even deserved to know me. I always seem to chose the wrong people. I can see clearly the paths that were given to me and how each decision drastically changed how those paths turned out and now it’s too late to change anything and I’m stuck where I’m at.

Here’s to 25. The end of a quarter and the beginning of a whole lot more than I’ve given myself. Hopefully.